No Phule Like an Old Phule

by Robert Asprin

  "For living things," Thumper said. "I learned that in school. They had us watch your show a lot."

  "Then you know what I mean," said the Environmental Dog.

  "Sure," said Thumper. "But we aren't here fighting a war. In fact, I don't think there's a war anywhere in Alliance space we could be going to fight. So we've got to do other jobs. If the other guys are telling me the truth, what we're doing here is keeping a war from getting started."

  "I'm sure that is very wonderful," said Barky. "You will no doubt be able to tell me how bringing more soldiers and weapons to a place where there is no war is going to keep one from starting."

  "Some of the other guys can answer that better than I can," said Thumper. "I came out here to talk about something else, though. Answer me this: Your job is to fight pollution, but is it better to fight it, or to prevent it from happening at all?"

  "You know the answer to that," growled Barky. "What are you telling me?"

  "I'm telling you something you'll be very interested in hearing," said Thumper. "Listen to this..." Thumper spoke quickly, skipping over all but the most

  crucial details. But Barky only interrupted him with questions twice. By the end, the Environmental Dog was growling and gnashing his teeth. "All right, you've convinced me," he said at last. "You can count on me."

  "Good," said Thumper. "We'll let you know when we need you to help." He turned and headed back along the path to his guard post. It was with considerable relief that he discovered that his little excursion hadn't been noticed at all.

  Or so he thought. He settled into his assigned guard post, ready to spend the rest of his shift doing the duty to which he'd been assigned. He had a feeling of accomplishment--he had done his part to counteract what he saw as the greatest threat to the missions' of both the Legion and the AElOU here on Zenobia.

  A more experienced legionnaire might have noticed the shadowy figure that had trailed him all the way to the AEIOU camp and eavesdropped on his entire conversation with Barky. Perhaps a more experienced legionnaire would have circled back to observe the AEIOU camp after he had announced his departure. Then he might have seen that his conversation with Barky was just the beginning of the evening's events...

  16

  Journal #744

  Those of us who spend much time with the class of humans who travel to distant worlds to pursue golf, bird-watching, mountain climbing, or underwater fandootery, cannot fail to note how little interest these people have in the sophonts native to the worlds they visit. At best, they poke gentle fun at their customs and language; at worst, they consider them lesser races to be pushed out of the way when they happen to inhabit a particularly valuable sand trap or fandooter's reef Curious, then, how their attitude changes when one of the locals presents himself in the role of a native guide and how uncritically they accept the native's qualifications for a task that none of them would dare undertake without considerable special training.

  Euston 0'Better sat at a camp table in the center of the hunters' campground, scanning a rough topographical map of the eastern part of the main Zenobian continent. It was rough because it had been downloaded from the landing craft's navigational computer, which had scanned the surface during their approach to the current landing site.

  O'Better was almost certain that the Legion company had better maps, but those were currently unavailable to him. The Legion captain had smiled and hinted at military secrets. "We'll try to get a civilian-legal map printed out for you," he drawled, but nothing had so far come of it.

  The natives undoubtedly had maps, too, but the hunting party had yet to meet an actual Zenobian. They'd all seen them on the tri-vee, of course. They looked like little dinosaurs, O'Better remembered, although they reportedly had a primitive spacegoing technology. And Willard Phule-captain Jester-had talked them into a sweetheart deal with his father's company.

  There was a roundish feature on the map, about fifty Eos west of the camp, that had looked a lot like a salt dome when they'd flown in over it. That might indicate trace mineral deposits, in which O'Better had a professional interest. But they had to get out into the desert, where the Legion wasn't looking over their every move, before he could find out whether there was anything more to it. He'd have to do some seismic testing, and that required making few loud noises-more than they could get away with this close to a military installation. Especially one whose leader had reportedly negotiated an exclusive on trade rights with the natives. Out in the desert, nobody'd notice-and if they did, the "hunters" could always explain it away as gunfire. After all, if you were trying to kill a dino, you needed a real big gun-didn't you? And, thanks to the crooked Supply sergeant, they were going to be trying out some really big ones this time out.

  He smiled and rolled up his map. Hunting dinos was fine, especially if it gave him the chance to test a few otherwise unobtainable weapons. His friends at BigBoum Armaments would be very interested in his report on the capabilities of the new weapons Omega Company was supplied with-thanks to the company commander's father, who just happened to be the CEO of Phule-Proof, BigBoum's main competitor. And if at the same time he managed to get a lead on some unexploited mineral rights that he could possibly convince the ignorant natives to let him exploit-why, there was a lot to be said for combining business with pleasure.

  He had just decided it wasn't worth trying to get the computer to enhance the printout-if only because he wasn't sure he really knew how to get the stubborn machine to do what he wanted-when a high-pitched voice said, right behind his left ear, "Hello, you are leader of the hunting humans?"

  0'Better turned to see a reptilian face with a mouthful of sharp-looking teeth, and nearly jumped out of his skin. "Wh-who the hell are you?" he asked.

  "I am Qual, your hunting guide," said the creature, grinning ferociously. At second glance, O'Better saw that it was wearing a battered straw hat and ragged camouflage. "A friend with big ears told me of your need, and so here I am standing."

  "OK, you're the guide," said O'Better. He turned toward the tents, and shouted, "Hey, guys, our guide's here!"

  The other hunters emerged, looking curiously at the little Zenobian. O'Better turned back to Qual, and said, "It's about time you got here-we've been settin' on our duffs just waitin' for you. Couldn't get squat done without a native guide."

  "Oho, this is why you sit," said Qual. The Zenobian peered about the camp, then said, "These are your hunting companions? We should converse so I can determine what part of our planet offers the creatures you desire to kill and eat."

  "Oh, I don't know if we'll want to eat any dinos," said L. P. Asho, looking curiously at Qual. "Though I suppose if they were tasty, we might think about it..."

  "Not eating?" Qual's mouth opened wide, showing his teeth again. "If not eating, why shooting?"

  "Well, we figured we'd mount 'em..."

  "Human not talking sense," said Qual, making a noise that sounded suspiciously like laughter. "Mounting much better when alive. Then they still can move..." Austen Tay-Shun scratched his head and changed the subject. "What do they taste like, anyway? What kinds do you folks eat?"

  "The small ones, of course," said Qual. "They taste much like the Old Earth bird known as chicken. And they are not known for deciding to try to eat you instead."

  "Well, it's the big ones we want, anyway, Qual," said O'Better. "Where would you go if you wanted to find some of them?"

  "There are some astonishing specimens at Lhort's Stretch," said Qual. "It is where I would certainly go first."

  "Great, that's the place for us then," said L. P. Asho. "How do we get there?" Qual rubbed his chin, pondering. "From my home, I would take the red trackway," he said. "It costs a smacker and a half, but one needn't pay to store the scooting-thing."

  "Trackway? I don't get it..." said Asho.

  "It is a public conveyance," said Qual, grinning. "One waits at a designated comer, the trackway vehicle comes, and one boards..."

  "Ah, it's some kind of damned bus," said
0'Better. Then he stared at Qual, hands on hips. "Wait a minute, Qual. Do you go hunting at this place?"

  "Oh, no, all the creatures are protected," said Qual. "It is a place for the young ones and the savants to observe them."

  "A zoo," said Asho, disgusted. "Listen, Qual. We want to go someplace where we can shoot the stupid dinos, not just look at 'em. That's what we're here for, and that's what we want."

  "Oho, that is distinct," said Qual. "You humans are very strange, but now this makes a certain sense even to me. In fact, you are very near one of the very best places to find some very large creatures."

  "Aw right," said Tay-Shun. Then he narrowed his eyes, and asked, "Can we shoot' em?"

  "Why, yes, if you have the weapons," said Qual. "But let me see all your trappings, so I can determine whether all is in readiness. If you have a lack, I know a person who can supply it. With any fortune, we shall be stalking large creatures before a matta can hop twice."

  "What's a matta?" asked L. P. Asho.

  "I dunno, what's a matta wit' you?" said Qual, grinning.

  The three hunters stood there scratching their heads until Qual said, "But make haste! The game's afoot." He ducked quickly into the nearest tent, where a loud screech greeted his entrance.

  "Oh, hellfire," said Euston 0'Better, as Qual bolted from the tent, dodging a high-heeled shoe thrown at his head. Another just followed, but by then he was out of range. "Guess we should've told Dallas the native was here. You know how spooky she gets ,sometimes."

  Qual looked accusingly at the hunters, but simply said, "Perhaps you should bring out your trappings for me to look at here. Is more dangerous inside than I suspected."

  "Little feller, you don't know the half of it," said Euston O'Better. His companions nodded, gravely.

  "Damn it all," said Lola. She'd been pacing furiously back and forth in the little hotel room on one of Lorelei's back streets, away from the casino district. Ernie, sitting on the bed, swiveled his head back and forth, watching her. She reminded him of a shuttlecraft in a crowded spaceport. Which, unless somebody got a really bright idea, might be the next scene the two of them would be seeing.

  She stopped and stared out the window at the distant gleam of neon. "For a short while there, we had the whole game won," she said. "I knew it was too good to be true."

  "Too good to be true?" Ernie repeated, stupidly. "Mr. Phule and the other casino bosses were all ready to give us five million spifflers, just to go away and leave' em alone, and you call that too good to be true? We could've lived like kings, anywhere in the Alliance."

  "Yeah, and had the mob on us the minute we let down our guard," snarled Lola. "If only the stupid casino publicity; department hadn't sent our picture out to the galactic media. If Mr. V and his boys were ready to murder us before, what do you think they'll be now?"

  Ernie shook his head, trying to conjure up an answer that could do justice to the probable wrath of the mob enforcers who'd come to their apartment back on Bu-Tse to remind them of the job he and Lola had left undone on Lorelei-capturing Captain Jester (A.K.A. Willard Phule), and delivering him into the hands of the syndicate. So he and Lola had come back to Lorelei, but the job was still undone. And now...

  Whatever answer he'd been about to offer was aborted by the hotel room's door suddenly swinging open.

  "Hello, Ernie," said the heavyset man who walked in. There were two other men behind him, who stood barring the door, which until just a moment ago had been soundly locked. While they were simply standing there, there was very little doubt what they were there for-or what they would do if either Ernie or Lola made a wrong move. The man removed his hat and turned to the window. "And Miss Lola A pleasure to see you both here. But enough small talk--I've come to see what progress you've made on your assignment." He paused frowning. "You have made progress, correct?"

  "well, yes, of course," said Lola, making an effort to put on a cheerful smile. "As it happens, we were just about to lay down plans for the final phase of our operation here, and since you're here, I'm sure your input would be..."

  "DON'T GIVE ME THAT BULLSHITT!" roared Mr. V-for that was who had come to visit them, unannounced and certainly unwanted. He waited for a moment, then continued in a quieter (but no less menacing) tone, "You two have been paid good money, and as far as I can tell you haven't done a damn thing to earn it. Now, that's just not right, is it, boys?"

  There was no response from the two men blocking the door behind him, and Mr. V turned to look, a puzzled expression on his face. It wasn't normal for his underlings to forget their lines, especially when he'd prompted them so clearly. They were exactly where he'd stationed them, but their faces had assumed blank expressions, and even as he watched they slumped slowly to the floor. "What the hell...?" said Mr. V.

  His answer came from a little man in a black jumpsuit who poked his head around the doorframe. "Mind if I come in?" he said, stepping over the two fallen thugs. Cradled in his right arm was some sort of exotic device-from the look of it, a weapon.

  "Who are you?" Mr. V's voice was harsh, but his expression looked anything but confident. His eyes stayed fixed on the weapon in the little man's arms.

  "Mostly people call me. Doc," said the man, with a bright smile. "I'm security chief at the Fat Chance Casino. Which may give you some idea of what I'm doing here, not to mention why I just stunned your muscle boys." He patted the weapon he was carrying. "One of the good things about working for the Legion is you get some really nice hardware."

  Mr. V and Ernie were both taken aback by this information, but Lola nodded, and said, "You've been keeping us under surveillance, right?"

  "Well, since you won the jackpot, we have," said Doc, with a wink. "Didn't want one of our partners to walk around Lorelei unprotected. There are some mighty rough characters on the station, y'know."

  "Yeah, we noticed," said Ernie. "So what happens now?"

  "Well, Tullie Bascomb would like you two to come down to his office-he's got a proposition we think will be to everyone's advantage. As for you-" he turned to Mr. V-"there's a squad of legionnaires out in the hallway. They'll take you and your boys down to the spaceport and put you on the next ship out. Tell them where you're staying and they'll get your luggage on board. And, oh yeah-don't plan on coming back."

  Mr. V was livid. "You won't get away with this!" he shouted.

  "Sure I will," said Doc. Two solidly built men in black jumpsuits came through the door. Doc nodded to them, and said, "He's all yours, men. Don't hesitate to zap him if he gives you any trouble."

  "Right-o, Doc," said one of the two, stepping forward to put a hand on Mr. V's shoulder.

  "Good, I knew you'd see it my way," said Doc, as a sullen Mr. V stepped to one side and, at the casino guards' signal, raised his hands above his head. Doc turned to Ernie and Lola. "Now, shall we go see what's up at the casino?"

  They followed him out the door, stepped over the slumbering mob heavies, and went down the stairs with him. Neither Ernie nor Lola said anything the whole way back to the Fat Chance Casino.

  "Here is the hunting ground," said Qual, softly. "It is now requisite to be very careful and quiet. The game's afoot! And you know what that signifies!"

  "Hell, no," said L. P. Asho, testily, but Qual had crept ahead out of earshot, so he turned to Austen Tay-Shun, and muttered. "The damn critter's been sayin' that all day long, like it meant somethin'. You got any idea what it means?"

  "I think it's a quote out of some Old Earth writer," said Tay-Shun. "Prob'ly Sheik Spear-that old buzzard seems to have wrote almost everything."

  "How's a Zenobia lizard know Sheik Spear's stuff?"

  Tay-Shun shrugged. "Maybe he just said something similar, and the translator turned it into poetry. Be quiet, now-for all I know, you're like to scare the critters so they come chargin' at us, and I don't want no part of that."

  "You see any critters?" whispered Euston 0'Better.

  "Damn if I can see anything like a dino..."

  "In this lig
ht, I'm damned if I can see my hand in front of my face," said Asho. "There could be all sorts of critters out there and we'd never..."

  "SHHH!" said Qual, and the three hunters jumped. The Zenobian guide had crept back practically on top of them, so quietly that none of them had noticed. "If humans aren't being very careful and quiet, all is for nought. I am guiding like a good native, but humans must do their part. Follow!" And before any of them could ask a question, Qual turned and vanished into the semidarkness again.

  The hunters, chastened, moved in the general direction he'd gone, hoping the trail wasn't too difficult to follow. Some of the places he'd led them through today had been almost too much for the humans, with thick briarlike tangles of underbrush, small biting flying creatures that seemed to have an appetite for human flesh even though they hadn't evolved to eat it, and another small creature whose nest they seemed to have threatened, and which noisily kept trying to repel them until they were far out of its territory. It had been quite a challenge for the three humans to keep up with Qual.

  "I don't know how the hell we're supposed to find the damned dinos if we can't see 'em," Asho muttered again. "Why, they might be sneakin' right up on us..."

  "Come on, you know somethin' that big would make a lot of noise," whispered O'Better.

  "Hey, some of the most dangerous Old Earth dinos were little fellers, not much bigger than you or me," said Asho. "Take that lizard boy Qual, for example. If he was huntin' for us, you think you'd hear him? He could take a big bite out of your butt before you knew he was in the same county..."

  "He could take a bigger one out 0' yours," said Tay Shun. "Now, why don't y'all do like he says and hush up. At least then, if some dangerous kind of critter tries to sneak up on us, at least we'll have some chance to hear it."

  "SHHH!" said Qual, who'd sneaked up on them unnoticed again. When the hunters were done jumping, the Zenobian said, "Game is very close. We wanting to surprise it. Follow me, and be very, very quiet."