“Robin,” the figure whispered. That’s when my eyes snapped open, which made the pain worse, but I didn’t care. I would’ve given anything to hear that voice again and there it was. I sat up as slowly as I could to find my mother standing there, illuminated by an inner light as well as the white light of the moon filtering in from outside.
“Mom?” As soon as I was sitting completely up my vision blurred just a touch, but returned to normal within a few seconds like it had never happened. I could see with perfect clarity. Her black hair was just as I remembered it. It fell around her face and stopped at her shoulders. It was raven black and beautiful like when she had been alive, before she got sick. When she had gotten sick her hair became dull and lifeless. Her sky blue eyes held in them a mixture of fear and helplessness that I had never seen on her face while she was alive. Not even when she was dying right before my very eyes.
She lifted her dainty hand to me, outstretched like she was trying her hardest to reach me. Something was keeping her from being able to. She could reach no farther than her arm would stretch out, and it was like there were invisible hands holding her in place. Then her crimson lips parted and her mouth opened up into a silent scream and a solitary tear cascaded down her cheek. It left a stain in a line that followed the contours of her face. Was that a tear? No. It was the exact same color of her lips and the door that closed in the darkness in downtown Los Angeles. It was blood.
Her scream became more and more audible the farther down her cheek that single drop of blood rolled, and I almost couldn’t take it. I didn’t want my mother to be so afraid. It fell from her face and down to the floor and I swore I could hear it land. It sounded like a bomb had gone off right next to me. I was so terrified at the sight of my striking, loving mother filled with fear and agony, I couldn’t help but scream in horror and mirror her fear. It was like she was trying to get to me to warn me, but someone was keeping her from it. There was no way she could fight back. Was it exactly who I thought it was? It could only be Lilith.
All of a sudden hands were on my shoulders, shaking me to try to grab my attention, and my mother disappeared. It was almost like she had never been there at all. Once I could draw my attention away from where my mother had just stood I saw Gordon. He brought me back into the recesses of his beautiful face to shield me from the horror I had just witnessed.
And I could hear him yelling my name, but it was muffled. I could swear I had been wearing earplugs. All I wanted to do was rip them out, but there was no way possible. His voice was echoing in my ears, slowly going back to normal with every syllable he spoke. It was like I was suffering from shell shock. I looked right into his dark eyes.
I could see myself looking back in the reflection and I hated what I saw in them. I just wanted to wipe the images and his tears from them. My features were twisted in terror, eyes wild, and hair in disarray from a restless sleep. Pale. Beth appeared behind him where my mother had just a moment ago been standing. Her face was twisted with alarm since she had clearly been sleeping when my screams ripped through the air. She definitely looked like the adrenaline had woken her up. They both had come running as fast as they could and tried not to trip all over themselves to get to me. A blanket and a pillow were in the chair in the corner which clearly meant Gordon had been asleep as well after watching over me.
Then came the terror. The pure terror of knowing my dead mother had been there and was suffering and trying to keep me from ending up in the same horrible place terrified me. There was no way she could save me. Something, or someone, was stopping her.
I pointed at where she was standing and yelled, “She was right there. Right there!” I couldn’t keep the fear out of my voice, but if you could after seeing something like that then I would think you had no heart. Either that or you in no way loved your mother as much as I had loved mine. The tears that had been welling up in my eyes since I first glimpsed her standing there started to trail down my cheeks. I couldn't hold any of them back no matter how hard I tried, and it was like a dam had broken. I mean, it was my mother, and she was clearly in some kind of pain and she was so scared. I could still see the image of her in my mind and I shook my head to try to erase it, but that didn’t do any good. She was still there, and would be for the rest of my life.
“Who was there?” Gordon asked, wiping a few of those tears from my face with his warm fingers. His hands were now on either side of my face to make sure I looked at him. The tears he had wiped away were quickly replaced by new ones. They hadn’t stopped flowing even with the kind gesture. My head was pounding painfully and the thirst was again overwhelming like I hadn’t had a sip of water in weeks. Months, even. I could almost feel every cell in my body drying up.
My skin was covered in a blanket of sweat that drenched my clothes and my hair. I was also covered in goose bumps from the chill I was feeling and hadn’t noticed until then, when the fear and adrenaline were beginning to subside. I was feverish, I couldn’t keep my thoughts together, and the pain and the thirst were almost too much to bear.
“My mother. She was screaming and blood was coming from her eyes like she was crying blood.” The words came out hurried and strained as if my throat was closing up. It was extremely dry. My voice sounded scratchy and hoarse. It was like the fire that Lilith had been burning in the warehouse had followed me home and was burning in my throat. I was chilled to the bone, completely drained of energy, and my head hurt so badly I was prepared to dig out my brain and set it aside, hoping that would relieve the agony I was finding harder and harder to ignore.
“Robin, there’s no one there.” And he was right. She wasn’t there anymore, but she had been. I knew that for a fact. I may have been feverish and a little delirious, but I knew she was there just like I knew Gordon was right before me, scared for my life and my sanity. She was just as real as Gordon and Beth before me now.
If I tried I could have possibly reached out and touched her outstretched hand, but fear had me completely frozen. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Beth look on the floor and a look of shock spread across her face. What did she see? She reached down to the floor and stood up, her fingers coated in blood from a small drop of it that was on the floor. I knew it.
“Gordon,” she said as she reached those crimson coated fingers out to him so he could see that my mother had indeed been there. The blood that she had cried was just as real, just like I had told him. I knew my mother’s energy, and I felt it in that moment.
The same dread that was all over Beth’s face had now taken up residence on his, and confusion and fear filled his beautifully dark eyes. That darkness reminded me so much of the darkness that was taking over every facet of my being. The small sparkle in them reminded me that there was a light that would lead me forward and out of that same darkness, and hopefully not after it was too late. We would come out of the darkness, hand in hand, ready to take on the world.
“What in the hell is going on?” I saw even more worry in his eyes at that moment as he looked back at me in disbelief. None of us had any idea what this was supposed to mean. I think I was even more confused than either one of them, and the confusion was only growing deeper and deeper, as was the fear.
Chapter 22: Further Into
Darkness
The throbbing pain in my head had now become an excruciating roar without end, and there was no reprieve in sight; at least not as far as I had seen. Not even the hours I spent sleeping were enough to get a break from it because I could feel it while I slumbered. All I could dream about was the pain. All I could do was lie in bed, gripping my head while trying to hold onto my sanity. It felt like my brain was trying to work its way through cracks in my skull.
At some point I wasn’t able to keep the tears from cascading down my face and a lake of them had pooled in a mass of wet fabric on my pillow, making it uncomfortable to lie on. My breath was coming in a series of short wheezes and pants, and the thirst I had was unquenchable. I was beginning to feel myself becoming dehydrated
with every minute I had to deny myself something to drink because I had just chugged down a whole liter bottle of ice cold water.
Gordon, I could tell, was beside himself with grief and he was just as lost as both Beth and I were. I thought I was the most lost. I was wandering in a dark forest and didn’t know which way was out, which way would lead to danger, or which way would lead to safety. They both felt so horrible for me, but just because they felt sorry for me didn’t mean this would end my life. It just meant this was going to be something much harder to beat than anything before now.
There was no way that, if this did end, it would end well. I knew where this had come from, but was in too much pain to express it. I couldn’t speak for fear of screaming from the immense pressure building every second. My head felt like it was on fire on the inside, and the pressure building inside was the fire trying to break free of its skull prison. Like when Lilith had turned my head into a water balloon in one of my past lives. I couldn’t help but relive the experience within my memory, and it was like I was reliving it now with Lilith’s hands grasping the sides of my head and giving it yet another squeeze.
I was curled into a tight ball, hands on either side of my head, face covered in tears when Gordon sat down next to me and said, “I’m going to give you something for the pain and maybe you can be lucid enough to tell us if anything strange that happened the other night. Maybe even try to cool you down.”
He reached for my arm and as soon as his fingers touched me there was a jolt of what I could best describe as excruciating electricity that licked all the way up my arm and down my spine. I couldn’t help but jerk my arm away from him, but at the same time I knew I had to do something. The pain was too severe for me to keep going like this. I took a few steadying breaths and reached my arm out to him, trying to brace myself for the pain that was coming as soon as our skin met and I could feel my arm shaking with fatigue as well as fear.
He took my arm in his hand as gently as he could and that same electricity made itself known with even more intensity. I was able to stifle a scream as it continued while he injected me with a medication that was supposed to make me forget about the intensity of what I was feeling. I could only hope it would work quickly. By the time the needle and his hands left my skin I could feel it throughout my body, and the intensity of the pressure in my head was unbearable. It was like any attempt we could make to lessen the pain would only amplify it. I was willing to bet that was her intention.
I couldn’t hold them back any longer. My agonized screams ripped through the atmosphere and the chills and shivers took over yet again as my body was racked with fever. Then the nausea crept up on me and I couldn’t hold it back any longer than the few seconds it took me to realize that familiar sensation was there. As Gordon sat back and watched me writhe with the helplessness of a child, everything that was in my stomach came out with such a force that it left my throat hurting even after I was finished.
Liquid fire had just paved its way through my esophagus like it was nothing. My teeth weren’t a strong enough barrier to hold it back. I hadn’t even noticed what color it was until I opened my eyes and heard Gordon’s shocked and terrified cries as he called for Beth’s help. I had just vomited a large pool of crimson blood and I could feel it running out of my mouth and down my chin, landing in droplets like rain on my sheets. I was slowly losing grip on my life and I had no idea how much longer I had until it was over. At this point, I would gladly beg for someone to end my life if it meant not having to feel like this anymore. I just wanted the suffering to be over.
As the drugs Gordon had injected me with started to take effect, I felt a calm wash over me. All the pain I was feeling had become a dull ache, but it turned my mind into such a jumbled mess I didn’t think I could form a single coherent thought. I remembered seeing my mother after morphine injections, and it was like I was living her experiences. Everything she said made no sense and everything she did made even less sense. It was like her “on” switch had been turned to “off,” and she was on autopilot.
Gordon picked me up while Beth came in and removed the sheets from the bed. She was no doubt going to throw them straight in the garbage, exactly where they belonged. There was no way we could save them. Not even if we put them in a washer on hot with a whole bottle of bleach. She walked past us and down the hallway and I could hear the trash bag make a ruffling sound as she push the damaged sheets into it. There was even more of that sound when she pulled the top together to close it. I snuggled my face into Gordon’s neck and took a deep breath in. It felt so good to be able to take a full breath, I sighed with relief. It wasn’t just the full breath I was finally able to take. It was his scent that had me almost in euphoria. Or was that the drugs coursing through my veins? It was probably a mixture of both.
“While you’re out there can you run a lukewarm bath? But not too warm. She’s burning up again.” Well that definitely explained the chills and the oceans worth of sweat coming out of every pore.
When he spoke I could hear his voice softly rumble in his chest. As my eyes closed I felt his soft lips caress my forehead with such tenderness I almost wasn’t sure whether it had actually happened at all. It was kind of like a brush of butterfly wings. Another deep sigh escaped my lips before I was even aware of it. I could feel the sweat rolling off of me and soaking into his clothes. Mine were already soaked and dripping slightly with perspiration and I knew I was going to have to drink something and soon. I would have to no matter what it was or how much of a difference it didn’t seem to make. I was slipping into dehydration faster than I thought I would.
The water started to run in the bathroom and I was thanking whoever had invented the bathtub. I was a wet, shivering, and disgusting mess and I knew it. I wouldn’t have been surprised if I had started to reek but Gordon was nice enough not to say anything. I could feel the filth rolling off of me and onto him, soaking him just as it was me. I wanted to scrub it off of him so badly that I almost asked him to sit in the tub with me so I could wash him just as he was about to do for me.
As the water was running I could hear his footsteps. I could feel his movements as he carried me without effort to the bathroom and the awaiting water that would cleanse me. I felt filthy and repulsive, and I knew the bath wouldn’t do much except clean off what was on the outside, which was likely to come back as soon as it was gone. It would do absolutely nothing for the nastiness on the inside. The clean and refreshing water wouldn’t make much of a difference at all.
He made a move to put me down on the toilet and it felt like he was about to drop me. My eyes opened and hands were spread out to my side on instinct, ready to help catch my fall if need be. But I was perfectly fine, just a little dizzy from moving so fast so suddenly. He set me gently on the toilet’s lid, and I felt myself slightly sway as he left go of me. This was the effect of severe dehydration as well as the medication that was flowing through me. My hands went out and grabbed whatever was closest to me, which happened to be the sink to my left. My sweaty hands slid a little bit on the slick porcelain, making me grip it even harder until my knuckles were white. Even then I could still feel my hands slipping ever so slowly. I had a feeling I would fall right off of the toilet at any second.
Gordon kneeled down in front of me and my vision swam a little. I could somehow still make out his perfection through the little bit of haze that was threatening to completely take over my vision. His dark eyes were gleaming with tears that he was too strong-willed to let fall. His raven hair was a complete mess like he hadn’t showered or brushed it since the day before I fell ill. He didn’t look dirty though. He smelled slightly of musk, but not so much to where it was overwhelming. It was a pleasant smell, but I could smell the stench of my sickly sweat all over him now. He didn’t seem to mind it though. It was like he didn’t even notice it, but I did and to me that was what mattered. To me it was revolting.
“Let’s get these wet clothes off of you, shall we?” A weak smile crossed his lips, and t
he beauty of it made me smile back. Even though it wasn’t a huge grin like the mask on his face, it was still an attempt at something. He was trying to keep things light, but that didn’t hide that fact that there were the beginnings of bags under his eyes, and he looked like he was about to fall over. There was a half-moon of purple underneath each eye, and I knew in that instant he hadn’t left my side or slept since I had come back from meeting Lilith. If he had slept at all it wasn’t for long, and it didn’t help him in the tiniest bit.
I lifted my leaden arms as he pulled my sopping wet shirt over my head and dropped it on the floor. It hit with a wet thud that kind of sounded like a slap. It made me cringe just to hear it, and the sound amplified and sent an echo through the bathroom. The noise of it caused a pain in my head that was gone as soon as it had come. I thought I had the medication to thank for that.
Once the shirt was off, our eyes met, and the sweet electricity I had felt when we had first met made its presence known once again even though I felt like absolute death. I knew I was probably on my way there. I thought at that moment, no matter how bad I felt or how much pain I was in, that this was always how I would react to his stare. Even with the passage of time. Every time would be like the first time, back when we were surrounded by grinding, dripping bodies, the music playing and the lights flashing around us like tiny dancers.
I traced his perfect lips with my shaky finger and feebly smiled, wanting to kiss him with every fiber of who I was. I would have resisted this urge if he didn’t lean in to press his lips softly against mine for just a second. My head started to swim yet again. The feel of him sent shivers down my spine that weren’t caused by the fever, but he pulled away apparently thinking that was the cause. He proceeded to undress me, to place me in the tub full of crystal clear warmth that would envelope me until every chill that overtook my body was a distant memory.
Follow the Ashes: Book 1 of the Executioner Trilogy Page 12