“Understood.”
“We would be exclusive.”
“I agree.”
“And you have to be patient with me.”
“Always. I have a few stipulations of my own.”
“Such as?”
“My grammar is not a reason for you to leave.”
A slight smile touched her lips, but she straightened her face again, pursing her lips and reminding me of the woman I met that first day in the school. “Anything else?”
“I do the driving.”
“When you get clearance from the doctor,” she amended.
“Noted. And finally, I don’t want to ever see you in the police station again for smoking weed, trying to help me out on a case.” Her smile brightened the room. “As you have seen, this case is a little more dangerous than it appeared.”
Her face shuddered and I instantly regretted saying that last part, but I needed her to understand that I wasn’t okay with her putting herself in harm’s way to help me.
“Is it always like this,” she finally asked after a minute.
“Is what always like this?”
“Your job. Is it always this dangerous?”
“Well, this is the first time I’ve landed in the hospital, but I’m not going to lie to you. Every time I go to work, there’s a risk that I might not come home. It’s just something every officer has to accept.”
She swallowed loudly and then cleared her throat. “I guess I just hadn’t really thought about it until this happened.”
I grabbed her hand. “Hey, it’s not like this is an everyday occurrence.”
“But it’s still a risk. You could be shot any day you go into work.”
I nodded. “Yeah, but it’s my job and I love it. That’s not something I’m going to change, not even for you.”
It was a harsh thing to say, but I needed her to understand that I wouldn’t be manipulated later on into giving up my job for her.
“Maybe that’s something you need to think about before we take this any further. I want to be with you, but if you’re not okay with my job, it’s better if we don’t take this any further. For both of us.”
“I will, but maybe in the meantime, we can take things one day at a time.”
“Sure.”
We sat on the couch and held hands for the rest of the afternoon. I desperately wanted to pull her into my arms, but my body wouldn’t allow it at the moment. When I went to bed that night, I desperately wanted to ask her to come sleep in my bed, but I knew she wouldn’t be okay with that. She went off to her room and I went to mine. We felt even further apart now than when we got up this morning.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Vira
THE LAST WEEK had been absolute torture. I had spent almost every night in the arms of a different man, each one as unfulfilling as the one before. I tried everything I could think of to wipe Sean from my brain. He was taking up so much space in my head and I had never allowed that to happen before.
When Cece called me the other night and said that Sean was in the hospital, I wanted to run to him so badly. I wanted to be there to make sure he was alright, but Cece said it wasn’t a good idea. The whole night I worried about him. I prayed to God that he was going to be okay. When Cece stopped by the next day and told me the extent of his injuries, I actually broke down in tears. Cece looked horrified, having never seen me so emotional before.
She held me while I cried and I told her how horribly I had screwed up. I told her about my relationship with my parents and how they basically ignored me growing up unless I could be useful to them. I told her about the man they wanted me to marry and how that had spurred me on to becoming someone else.
I couldn’t blame any of my actions on that, though. I had become this person of my own making and no amount of daddy issues would change that. I knew what I wanted to do, but I wasn’t sure if it was the right thing. I called Cece over in a state of panic, hoping that she could guide me through this.
“Cece! Thank God you’re here.” I pulled her into my arms for a big hug. She rubbed my back and then pulled back, studying my face.
“Vira, you know I’ll always be here. What’s going on?”
I pulled her over to the couch to sit with me. It was sad that I questioned the validity of her statement. “I’m going to get Sean back.”
“Vira, that’s not a good idea. You know I love you, but you hurt him and he’s done with you.”
“All of that shit that I spout all the time about not wanting a man in my life? It’s all bullshit. I just didn’t realize it until now. Sean was almost killed. The one man that made me feel again. He looked past my bullshit and owned me.”
“But Vira, you didn’t let him in. He told you he loved you and you threw it in his face when you walked out.”
“Look, I know that I’ve been shitty to him. I’m not a hearts and flowers kind of girl and I never will be, but we could have something together. I need some time. I mean, it’s not like I changed over night or something and I know myself well enough to know that I can’t give him exactly what he wants, but in time, I may be able to.”
Cece sighed and rubbed her forehead. “I know you want to believe that you guys can work this out, but I don’t think you’re the one he wants anymore. I’m sorry. I’m not saying this to hurt you. I just don’t want to see you hurt anymore.”
“But, he could forgive me. Everyone makes mistakes. Look at you and Logan. He looked past what you did and he married you.”
“That’s true, but you and I are very different people even if we looked the same for a while. I was never the girl that was made out to live the glamorous, partying lifestyle. Deep down, I was the same girl I was back before he broke my heart. I had a lot of fun with you over the years and you taught me so much about myself, but that was never really me.”
I was a little offended by that. I had seen her through so much and I felt like now it was all being thrown in my face.
“So, you think I’m some party girl that doesn’t deserve love?”
“That’s not what I’m saying. You chose this life to get away from someone you didn’t want to be. I chose it to try to escape feeling inadequate. There’s nothing wrong with the way you live your life. It’s fun and full of adventure and for a time, it was great for me. Sean isn’t like that though, and you shouldn’t give up the way you want to live for someone who will never appreciate who you are.”
“You think I should walk away.”
“I think if you go after him again, you’re only going to hurt yourself. I’m not sure I can watch that. You’re my best friend and I don’t want to see you hurt, but Sean is also my friend. I’m asking you not to do something that will hurt both of you.”
“I can’t believe you’re not with me on this.”
“Vira-”
I stood up and started pacing the living room. Anger from years of being left behind poured through me. This wasn’t fair.
“No. I was there for you with Logan. I was there to help you and now you’ve got what you want.” I turned to her and pointed an accusing finger at her. “I saw you the other night with them. You were in The Pub with all of them hanging out, laughing with Lillian. After all we’ve been through, you chose them. For once in my life, I want someone to choose me! Is that too much to ask? I wanted my parents to choose me over money. I want Sean to choose me over Lillian. I want you to choose me over your new friends. Is that really too much to ask?”
“VIra, I’m not choosing anyone over you,” Cece said as tears ran down her face.
“Then why are you asking me to leave Sean alone? Why do you spend more time with them than you do me? It’s like you’ve got your new family and your old one no longer matters.”
She walked over to me and wrapped me in a big hug. “I love you so much and you gave me everything when I needed you. I will always be grateful for that, but I can’t sit by and watch you hurt yourself. When you realize that you and Sean aren’t meant for each other, I will st
ill be here for you.”
She had pulled back and was holding my hand tightly in hers. I stepped back and crossed my arms over my chest.
“What I need is for someone to feel like I’m enough. It may be wrong to go after Sean, but I feel something with him. Hell, I probably love him. I need to see if I can convince him that we could be good together.”
“I think you need to start with you knowing that you’re enough. I can’t stop you from going to Sean. You’ve always done what you wanted. So if you need to tell him how much you want him, that’s what you’ll do.”
She picked up her purse and walked out the door. I felt like I had just lost my best friend. I sat down on the couch and cried. I never cried, but Cece had always been the one person I could count on and she had just walked out of my life.
✯✯✯✯✯
I knew this was a stupid idea. Sean had told me not to come see him ever again, yet here I was on his doorstep ready to knock on his door. I just wanted to make one final plea to him. I wanted one more chance to do the right thing, to say the right thing. If I didn’t, I knew I would regret it the rest of my life.
Before I could lose my nerve, I knocked on his door and waited for the scowl that would be on his face when he opened the door and saw me. It took a few minutes, as I figured it would based on the injuries he had.
When he finally answered the door, he looked tired from the effort. His face was a little pale and his right arm was wrapped protectively in front of his waist. My throat closed up as the scowl I expected appeared.
“What do you want? I thought I told you I didn’t want to see you ever again.”
“You did, but I wasn’t honest with you last time and I need to set the record straight before I lose my nerve.”
He was taking shallow breaths and he looked like he was in pain.
“Look, can we talk inside? You look like you could keel over at any moment.”
“Fine, but make it quick.”
He walked over to the sofa and sat down slowly. I sat across from him, needing space from the anger that was radiating off him. I tried several times to start talking, but each time, my throat closed up.
“Vira, for fuck’s sake. Just say what you have to say and leave.”
“I love you,” I blurted out, but once it was out, everything else flew out behind it. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I don’t think I was really sure about it until I heard about what happened to you. Then I started imagining you never being in my life again and it was like a knife to my chest. I couldn’t breathe. I know that I may not be able to give you exactly what you want, but I’ll work on it. I’ll try every day to open up to you and show you how much I want to be with you. I know with a little patience, I could get there.”
“Vira, what exactly are you asking for? You want to date me? You want to fuck me? What do you want?”
My hands got clammy at the thought of dating, of having a boyfriend, but I could do it. I swallowed down the nausea churning and continued.
“I’ll take whatever you’ll give me. I know that my version of love isn’t what you’re looking for, but I’m asking you to accept me for who I am. I’m asking you to love me for me. I know that I’m not exactly wife material, but I do love you and I will always do what I can to make you happy. So I guess I’m asking you to pick me.”
Tears had filled my eyes as I poured my heart out to him, but this was my moment. My one chance to win him back was now and I had to put it all on the line for him.
“Pick me, Sean. Pick me.”
I couldn’t stop saying it. I just wanted one person to want me. I closed my eyes as I repeated it over and over in my head. I felt the air shift and then Sean was sitting on the ottoman in front of me.
“Vira, why now?”
“Because I can’t lose you.”
“You’ve said that before and then you walked out on me.”
“I was scared. This is so new to me. God, my head is so fucked up. I’ll tell you everything. I’ll tell you why I left. I’ll tell you why I’m this way. I’ll tell you everything. Just tell me I’m not too late.”
He lifted his left hand and brushed a tear from my face. “Part of me wishes I could, but I can’t Vira. Our moment passed. You had so many opportunities to open up to me and you chose not to.” He wasn’t harsh, just matter of fact and that scared me more than anything because it sounded so final. “There was a time that I would have revelled in the fact that you wanted to tell me about yourself, but right now, none of it matters. I don’t want to hear your story anymore. It won’t change a thing at this point. I’m moving on with my life and I’m trying to build something with Lillian. I’m sorry, but you and I can’t see each other anymore. It’s not fair to Lillian and frankly, it doesn’t make it any easier on me.”
I wiped the tears from my face and looked to the side, trying to figure out what to do next. I came here and gave it my all and it wasn’t good enough. I stood and headed for the door. Sean stayed seated on the ottoman.
“Vira.” I turned back to see him looking at the ground. “Someday you’ll meet someone that you want to talk to. It won’t take you a year and a half to open up to him. It’ll feel natural. You’ll want to tell him your secrets and you’ll want more with him. When you meet him, don’t make the same mistakes you made with me. That’s the man you were meant to be with.”
He finally looked up at me and I could see in his eyes that we were truly over. There was nothing more to say. Telling him I loved him one last time would only make me seem pathetic. He’d told me that I was too late and he didn’t want to hear anything more from me.
I walked to the door and stepped out into the sun. After sliding my sunglasses in place, I walked to my car with no regrets. I had taken a chance on love, but I was too late, and though it didn’t work out, I was proud of myself for trying.
I had to find a new path in life. My job was unsatisfying, my friends were lacking, and I had lost the only man I ever loved. It was time to move on.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Lillian
IT WAS THE last week of school and I only had to finish entering my students’ grades for the semester. I was glad that the year was over. I loved to teach, but I was excited to get to spend more time with Sean. There wasn’t a whole lot we could do, but I could talk to him and we could get to know each other better.
Sean was doing better after the first couple of days. He had exercises that he had to do regularly and they seemed to be helping, though he was still a long way from going back to work, which I was secretly happy about. We hadn’t talked anymore about being together or the fact that his job was dangerous. I really wasn’t sure what to think about it. I didn’t want to worry about him all the time when he was at work, but I knew I would if I stayed with him.
I headed to his house after school like I had been doing all week. Some of his friends stopped by during the day to check in on him and see if he needed anything. When I got done with school, I went to his house and spent the night in his guest room. He insisted that I didn’t need to stay with him, but I was so worried that he would try to be macho and do something he wasn’t supposed to. I needed to be sure he was okay.
“Sean,” I called as I walked into the house. I didn’t see him anywhere, so I started walking through looking for him. I found him in the laundry room hunched over a laundry basket and holding his side, taking shallow breaths.
“Are you okay?” I asked as I rushed to his side.
“Fine,” he bit out through clenched teeth.
“You don’t look fine. What did you do?”
“I was just doing laundry.”
“You know that I would have done it for you.”
“I’m perfectly capable of doing my own damn laundry.”
“And that’s why you’re hunched over, barely able to breathe.”
“I was lifting the basket and it pulled at my ribs. Just give me a minute and I’ll be fine.”
“Of course,” I said, trying m
y best not to laugh. “Would you like me to take the laundry basket for you?”
He glared at me. “I told you I could do it.”
I held up my hands and backed away. “Alright. I won’t offer to help you again.”
I went and sat in the living room for a good five minutes before I heard shuffling, like something was being dragged across the floor. Sean appeared in the living room moments later, slowly kicking the laundry basket into the living room. It had to hurt just as much to do that, but Sean was stubborn. When he finally got close to the couch, he gave up and sat down. He had sweat beaded on his forehead, which I thought was a little unusual considering the progress he had been making.
“Are you feeling okay?”
“Just peachy.”
“Then why-” It hit me then that he looked the same way as when we left the hospital. “So you decided to stop taking the pain meds again.”
“I was only taking half the dose anyway. I figured I could go without. They make me sleepy and I don’t like that.”
“Well, you’re not supposed to like it. You’re supposed to take them to help give your body time to heal. You know, it’s not just about getting rest. When you take the pills, it allows you to move your body more freely, which helps stretch the muscles. It’s all part of helping your body heal.”
He grunted at me, but didn’t say anything more. Lord, he was stubborn. I got up from the couch and headed toward the kitchen.
“So, what do you want for dinner?”
“I think you should go home.”
I poked my head back into the living room, not having heard what he said. “What’s that?”
“I think you should go home.”
“Why would I go home?”
“Because I don’t want you here anymore.”
I wasn’t sure what to say to that. I was trying to help him, so I wasn’t sure why he wanted me gone. I thought he wanted me to be here so we could get to know each other.
“I’m confused. I thought you wanted me to stay. I thought I was helping you.”
Sean Page 16