The palm trees above rustled in the breeze. It stirred a warmth within me. For a moment I reached out, I touched his face and I thought it might all be OK. He was so much a part of me. My friend, my lover, my all in one. But then I stopped. I forced myself to stop fooling myself. It was time to face the truth. Jordan was my lifeline but he wasn't my pulse. I knew that said it all. I just didn't feel it. But as I looked at him and smiled, I understood one of the reasons that I cared for him so deeply. He would do almost anything for me. Even tonight. He tried. He did. Only this time what he was doing, was giving me Tristan.
The morning came, the sun was shining, and we had breakfast in the paradise outdoors. Our waiter was a delight as I appreciated his face which was beautiful, interesting and foreign. His eyes were slightly angled and his face a natural tan, his smile both white and contagious. I was intrigued by the people of Indonesia. Their culture was diverse and their demeanor so pleasant, it was easy to want to learn more.
Our bags were packed and our driver was waiting so we could head to the other side of Bali. We stopped at reception to check out of the hotel and the next thing I knew it, Jordan was on the phone. I had almost forgotten. In some ways I wish I had, but strangely enough he hadn't. But that was his style. He was complete and even relentless when it came to meeting his goals. And I respected him for it. His need to obtain their telephone numbers had nothing to do with doing it for me. Like his description of his present job, or his need to test and re-test his equipment, or even the way that he pursued me, it was all fast, efficient, and with results. So, he tried to track down the men we had met and he still hoped that the scuba company would give us a lead. The phones were still troubled as I watched him call back more than a couple of times. Something he said confused me to no end, but let me know that he had sensed something after all.
He looked at me and then jokingly said, "I hope this guy is worth it to you because this phone call is going to cost us a pretty penny."
I knew he had been alluding to Tristan. I was stunned and speechless but chuckled nonetheless, trying to make light of the whole crazy situation. I wondered why he was doing it if he was really doing it for me. I had to believe he was kidding, or somehow still denying the truth. Otherwise, none of it would have made sense.
Jordan struggled on the phone for twenty minutes more, his efforts still fruitless and empty. He had tried to get the last names of our newfound friends and where they were actually staying. We knew in the States that the information would have been confidential, but Bali was friendlier and more carefree. The man on the phone explained to Jordan that he had finally found their names. But he also explained that when they had registered for the dive, they had only given their first names. He also said that between the three of them, there were only two hotels listed. The problem was, they didn't know who was staying where. So Jordan jotted down the names of the hotels, and although he appeared somewhat defeated, he said that we wouldn't give up. We got in the car, drove towards the mountains and I found myself feeling obsessed. The more difficult it became, the more I needed to find him, yet wanted to let it go all the same. And at that moment, suddenly, I wasn't sure which I wanted more.
We arrived in Ubud three hours later with still enough time to enjoy a full day. The streets were alive with shops galore, as we walked through every one of them buying gifts and more. We would be arriving home just in time for the December holidays and it was a wonderful opportunity to buy some unique gifts. Bali was well known for its artistic animal masks. So we bought some masks and batik clothing, wooden dolls, silver jewelry, Indonesian art, not to mention some spicy food which we sent home by mail.
The sun had set by the time we were done and we were both thoroughly exhausted. We went back to the room, collapsed on the bed and talked about the next day's plans. We planned to go white water rafting in a very scenic area through the rice terracing. Although in Bali the terracing surrounded us, it was a spectacular sight that intrigued me to no end. The beautifully manicured levels of greenery appeared infinite, as they curved around the hills with charm. The rafting itself was supposed to be a unique experience and I really hoped that it would be.
I didn't need to remind him. Jordan was on the phone again with the operator this time, only minutes after we confirmed our trip to go rafting. I heard him request the telephone numbers of the hotels of our newfound friends. He was immediately successful as he had already gotten both of the numbers in hand. I was trembling as I listened, thinking about all that we had done to get in touch with them so far. It had felt like a lifetime since we had last seen them, but I knew in reality, it had only been a day.
Jordan dialed again. He seemed to have everything under control, so I just watched, in misery. If only we had exchanged numbers in the van, the process would not have been so painful, so remorseful. But it was. Jordan was speaking to someone. It must have been the concierge. The doorman. The owner. Whoever. We didn't even know where we were calling. I listened as he spoke.
"Excuse me. Do you have anyone staying with you by the first name of Tristan?" I heard him ask.
I found it ironic that out of the three men, he had chosen Tristan's name. But then again, Tristan was the one who was coming to New York so it made sense to contact him. I also knew, that Jordan knew, that Tristan was the only one I had befriended. The truth was, I knew that Jordan really liked him too.
"No, I'm sorry, we do not have anyone here by that name", the voice on the other end replied.
"Do you by chance have a John or Tomas?" Jordan decided to try.
"We did this morning, we had a John, but he checked out several hours ago. Can I help you with anything else?" the man asked.
"No, but thank you for your help," Jordan replied. I started to panic.
What if we called the next place and we found out that Tristan had also checked out. What if it wasn't as small of a place as that place had obviously been and they didn't know guests by their first names. But Jordan already had the phone in his hand and was dialing once again.
"Yes, I'm wondering if you have a guest by the name of Tristan staying with you," he asked.
The woman on the other end answered, "I no see anyone registered here with name like that, what he look like?"
How strange this all was. The intimacy and catering that took place between strangers in this country. It was nothing less than wonderful. It would never happen in New York, I kept thinking. I really liked Bali. I would have to find a reason to come back. Yes, one day I would make it my business to come back. Jordan gave the woman a brief description of our new friend. From the look on his face, it appeared that there was no one there that resembled Tristan. She must have asked again because Jordan reiterated what he had just said.
"Oh," she said. "I maybe know who you talking about. He stay here with other two women," she continued in her broken English.
Jordan regurgitated the information to me as they continued the conversation. It wasn't until then that I remembered. Tristan briefly mentioned that he was traveling with his ex-girlfriend who had become just a really good friend. If my memory served me, I thought her name was Courtney. She wasn't a diver so she had gone to the beach the day that we had all met. It struck me as odd that he was traveling with his ex, but he was so non-chalant about it, that for the moment, I had been somewhat convinced. We hadn't spent a lot of time talking about her but there was never any mention of anyone else. Jordan was concluding his conversation, and something he said to the woman on the phone seemed to convince her that Tristan was definitely staying there, and that he was the one with two women. She said he must have been registered under one of the girls' family names. For that matter, it could have been his, we still didn't know his name. Well, it was going to be a shot in the dark. She didn't know his name, there were two girls with him, and not only one, as we had thought. But there was more. Apparently, this threesome had gone away for two days but were coming back to stay with her again. She said she knew which room they were in and she would
leave a message that we called at the desk. She asked where we could be reached, and took our number as she informed us that they did not have a phone in their room. The timing was unfortunate because we were only going to be in Ubud for two more days and I hoped that they wouldn't miss us. From there, we were going to Nusa Dua which ironically was where they were supposed to be. The international airport was in Nusa Dua which is why people traveling usually made it their last stop. We planned to spend only two days there, and then fly back to Singapore for a day. So we gave her our number and I prayed once again.
We awoke very early the following day, excited for the adventure that awaited us. Neither Jordan nor I had been rafting in years, but we knew that the challenge would be fun. A van picked us up at 8 a.m., this time with no one else in it. We arrived at the rafting base where there were about twenty-five rafts going out that day. There were a lot of people from all over the world and it was clear that the activity had been very well promoted. It was cloudy outside but the rain looked like it was going to hold out, at least until the end of the day.
We boarded the raft with eight other people and the guide gave us the rundown on the rules. He explained that the rapids would vary at different points and the level of difficulty would change. The river began to move us gently downstream, and the greenery that surrounded us was breathtaking. The terracing enveloped us and the steep levels continued and literally appeared not to end. The rapids gradually quickened and the excitement began. The water splashed all around us as we bounced from side to side. As I looked up and took it all in, I reveled at the geography in front of me. It was so specific to Southeast Asia. I had seen movies from the time I was a child but I never believed I would see it in person. But finally, at that moment, I had been sitting in the middle of it. Going through it and experiencing the life that lived it.
There were people, Indonesian people, wading nude on the banks of the river. They were shy and hid themselves as we drifted quickly by. This water for them was their main source of survival. They bathed in it, they washed their clothes in it, and they even drank from it. Their homes or huts were built on levels and into the rice terracing itself. When it rained a lot, they experienced mud slides and that was the reason their homes were so simple. They anticipated having to rebuild them again and again, utilizing the resources of the land. There was a beauty about the simplicity of it all. It was natural. When I thought about my life at home in New York, I felt displaced. In some ways, like an intruder to the world around me. Suddenly life had a whole new twist to it. Everything I had felt over the past two weeks seemed to move me. It was all so powerful.
The next morning we awoke to blue sky and sun, a good day for traveling to Nusa Dua. Our bags were packed and we went for breakfast outdoors, under the hut of the hotel restaurant. Up until then, I had managed to suppress my worries, my excitement, my fears. The guilt I was feeling still weighed on me heavily, and would continue to even if we never found him. But now the remote thought of that possibly happening, was even heavier than the weight of what I had started. My head was spinning with mixed emotions and I felt completely out of control. My thoughts began to run rampant. I started to wonder if we had given up too soon. We had somehow trusted fate or had faith in the woman on the phone that Tristan was staying with her. What if it wasn't him? What if it was but he didn't get the message? What if he phoned us but missed us because of timing? Would we try him again? Funny how Jordan never even asked if John or Tomas were staying there. I suddenly wanted to try more. I wasn't even sure how. We had probably exhausted all of our options with the few attempts we had made. So I feared. The chances of finding him there had to be easier than searching Germany. I wouldn't have even known where to begin. But I knew that I would if I had to.
When the waiter came to the table, I thought he had come to take our order. But he hadn't. He only asked Jordan for his room number and then told him that he had a phone call. He led him to the front desk as my adrenaline started to rush. I waited by the table not wanting to appear too eager. Who else could it be on the phone, I thought. We didn't know anyone else in Indonesia. It was fate. I would see him just one more time, long enough to make sure I could see him again. I would give him my number and hopefully, I would see him in New York.
But I was wrong. We had known someone else. Amelia. How could I have forgotten? She had been our guide for several days on Bali. She had leant me clothing to wear inside the temples. The Balinese were traditional and kept strict regulations with regard to their Buddhist religion. I had borrowed a sarong which I wore as a skirt, as well as a swarka, a special long sleeved lace shirt. These articles of clothing covered my arms and knees which was essential to being accepted on Bali. It was important not to be considered just a visitor and to adapt to the culture and ways. We had called her to arrange a time to return the clothing before we left Ubud. I was almost sorry that she had returned the call.
The waiter brought our food and we discussed the next few days of our trip and what there was in store. The waiter returned again, this time with the check and to tell Jordan that he had another call. I didn't get my hopes up. I didn't let myself. I couldn't bare the disappointment again. But this time I didn't have to wait. Jordan returned to the table in a matter of minutes with a smile on his face, and I knew. Tristan had returned our call.
The threesome had returned from their two day excursion and had arrived in Nusa Dua that day. Jordan gave Tristan the name of our hotel in Nusa Dua and told him we were headed that way. At least we knew that we could contact him there, even if it was by message. So they both agreed to be in touch. They made tentative plans for one of the next two nights and simply left it at that. As Jordan explained all of it to me, I felt frozen and yet free all at once.
For me, it had become very complicated. To see Tristan would be wonderful, there was no doubt. But there was still Jordan to think about. I couldn't imagine how I would manage it all. My feelings, as well as his. How would I hide my own from him? I didn't want to hurt him. I only wanted the chance to test what I felt. With Tristan. But there was more. There was Courtney. He had said she was a friend. Maybe it was true. But they had a past. I knew that. They had probably spent nights together. I had to assume. Yet I couldn't imagine him with anyone. I didn't want to. And she would see right through me. Even if she no longer cared. Women were good at that. I wanted the freedom to just feel it out, and do that with just me and him. I didn't want her to distract me. I didn't want to know of his past. I didn't want to see what he liked, his type, her laugh or anything they shared. I didn't want to feel jealous. And there was yet someone else. Another woman. A third person we had heard about yet he had not mentioned at all. There were too many people to think about. I wanted to just be me, and not worry about who was watching or how it would affect them. How absurd the whole thing was. I was on vacation, an escape from reality, yet all of it felt so real. And somehow I knew that it was, and that it was not going to end anytime soon. I knew in my heart, strangely enough, that it was only just the beginning.
CHAPTER TWO
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That morning, we drove to Nusa Dua, my mind in a million places. The next few days would be telling. For me, for Jordan and maybe for our newfound friend. But life was one big transition. I had started expecting the unexpected. Living in Southeast Asia for three and a half months had changed me, and New York was going to take some getting used to again. I had experienced a lot in my short time away and knew that I had become open to a much greater world. My life had become an open book, just waiting for the pages to be filled. There were only two more days left to our trip, and at the moment my heart was heavy.
We arrived at our hotel, unpacked our bags and headed immediately to the beach. As we looked around the beach, it was dirty and commercial, but it was a beach in the sun, nonetheless. Some women approached us and asked if we were interested in having a three person massage. Jordan, for whatever reason was not very interested, but I quickly jumped at the chance. A massage by
six hands, sun high in the sky and laying on a tropical beach. It was something I just couldn't resist. For half an hour's time, the cost was five dollars, a bargain no doubt, at least. I ordered a piña colada which I knew would just add to the afternoon delight.
The day was a lazy one, restful and free. We played some volleyball as the sun began to set, and slowly, we drifted back to our room. It was already 6 p.m. and to my dismay, we did not have a message from the desk. I wondered if Jordan would make a call but it seemed senseless considering they did not have a phone. This time, I truly felt that my hands were tied.
I wondered what Tristan was thinking. What he was feeling. If only we could talk, face to face, for just five minutes, if that. It all started to seem like such a mystery to me. I began second guessing all of his thoughts. The thoughts I thought I knew so well. But it had only been my interpretation. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe he had really called back to speak to Jordan. That was definitely possible. That would have made sense. Because to call back Jordan, just to see me, was probably a little far-fetched. I mean, he knew that I was Jordan's girlfriend, didn't he? I mean, wasn't I? Who knew what he was thinking. I wasn't even sure what I was thinking. My head was beginning to hurt.
By 7:30 p.m., Jordan mentioned that they had not called, and he asked me if I just wanted to stay in. I wasn't particularly hungry and I knew I was feeling sad inside. Sad that Tristan hadn't called. I told Jordan that I would be happy to watch a good movie, relax and get a good night's sleep. So I jumped into the shower and looked forward to the warmth and to washing off the salt from the sea. I put a brush through my hair and rubbed on some cream to soften my fresh new tan.
I felt better after I showered, clean and refreshed, as I hopped into bed wearing pajamas. Jordan had showered too and was laying on top of the blankets. We started talking and, as always, the conversation covered a wide range of topics. We talked about our jobs and what we anticipated from them after we returned to the States. We talked about family and about New Year's Eve, and then something I wasn't prepared for. He brought up Christmas. Christmas with his family up in Cape Cod. He wanted to know if I could take a day off from work so that we could get a head start to beat the traffic. My stomach was in knots. Here we were, sharing a room together, half way across the world, yet the idea of being together for the holidays somehow still felt wrong. I hadn't thought about it before Indonesia, but if I had, maybe I would have known then that he shouldn't have come. But at that moment there was even more reason that it didn't feel right. I couldn't. It would feel like a facade. I knew as I sat there that not having heard from Tristan was not helping the situation either. I needed time. Time to sort out all that I was feeling. But I couldn't keep it in any longer and the trip would soon be coming to an end. I still wasn't brave enough to tell him that I was doubting our entire relationship, but it was time to broach the subject of Christmas. I had to at least do that.
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