"So, is there a chance that you might be around when I arrive in New York next week?" he asked.
He surprised me with his question because I knew that it masked what he really wanted to know. I told him I still wasn't sure but then felt obligated to explain.
"Tris," I began. I had never used that name for him, but somehow, it just felt right. "I thought you might be confused by my phone call, I mean, given my situation and all. I wasn't sure what you were thinking or if you understood my thoughts. Considering this call is long distance, I want to speak quickly and be direct and honest with you." I laughed and added, "Otherwise, this call could cost us a pretty penny."
"OK, I understand," he responded with a chuckle.
I began, "Well, I don't know about you, but it's not every day that I meet someone and have such an immediate chemistry with them. I don't mean to blow it out of proportion, and I don't know exactly what you're feeling, but it just wasn't a feeling I could easily ignore," I risked saying.
I was about to continue, but he stopped me by saying, "If I didn't feel the same way, I wouldn't be calling you right now."
"Really?" I asked, somewhat coyly.
"Yes, really," he said.
"So I wasn't dreaming?" I pushed for confirmation.
"No, you weren't," he responded.
I breathed a sigh of relief. I had no idea of what the future held, but at least I had read him right. The feelings we had, we shared.
He continued, "When I got your message I hoped that you were calling, well should I say, for other reasons than because you just happened to be in Frankfurt. Because you know, that is, actually, what your message said. I didn't want to get my hopes up, so I asked Courtney her perspective and why she thought you might be calling. She immediately said that no one makes a phone call like that when they know the person they are calling isn't there and thought that you were probably interested. I wanted to believe her but my pragmatic mind convinced me that it was just a friendly call and that calling from Frankfurt was just easier and less expensive. But then I thought about it again, and decided, well, that you would have splurged for the extra five dollars to call from New York and that maybe there was something behind the call after all. That's what I was hoping anyway."
My confidence was boosted and my heart felt light but I needed to explain my dilemma.
"But, I have to admit something to you. Do you realize that there is a little more to the story? I am, at the moment, still together with Jordan," I said.
He cut in and admitted, "I honestly wasn't sure what the story was between the two of you, you made it very difficult to read. It appeared to me that he cared about you but that you felt more like friends. I thought maybe you had had something in the past", he explained.
I intervened by saying, "Well, I'm telling you this for two reasons. First, I assumed that you thought Jordan and I were together and I didn't want you to think that I made it a habit of calling someone else when I was already involved. I guess you could say that Jordan and I are having trouble and we have been for a while."
As I revealed my secrets I felt torn inside, feeling once again that I had betrayed Jordan. But I also knew that I had to seize the moment as there was not a lot of time to play with.
"And second, although my future with him does not look hopeful, we have not as of yet severed ties. That's why this Christmas gathering has become so complicated for me. So, at the moment, I have not decided whether or not to go with him. It would really upset him if I didn't go. I just don't know what to do."
He was silent for a while and then said, "I understand. But when will you know?"
I took a deep breath and said almost sorrowfully, "Honestly, I'm not really sure. I may just decide at the last minute. By the way, where do you stay when you come in?", I inquired.
"At the Hyatt on 42nd St., do you know where that is?" he asked. I laughed thinking of what a small world it was, knowing that it was only streets away from FUN.
"Yes," I said playfully, "I think I've heard of it before," making it obvious that it wasn't some foreign place. "Will you be back in Germany before you come to New York," I asked.
"Yes," he said and he told me exactly which days.
"Listen, I have a good idea," I suggested. "I hate to do this, but if you can deal with the last minute uncertainty, and in case I can't get a hold of you, we'll communicate through messages at your hotel in New York. If I wind up going, there won't be a message and you'll know that I needed to go. Or if there's time and I can reach you in Germany, I'll call you to tell you that I'm going. I really want to see you, and I hope you know that, but with all Jordan and I have been through, I have to figure out what's right. I hope that you can respect that."
"Yes, sure I do," he replied.
"If I stay, there will be a message waiting for you when you arrive telling you to call me at home. I will be waiting for you in my apartment, if that is the case. What time do you get in?", I asked feeling torn.
"My flight arrives at Kennedy at 2:30 p.m. or so. By the time I get to Manhattan it will be 3:30-4," he informed me.
"OK," I said. "Either way, I hope to see you soon,"
"Yes, me too," he said. "And I hope not to hear from you this week." I knew what he meant as I put down the phone, wondering if what I wanted was feasible.
The rest of the day and all through the night I tormented myself with decisions. I wanted to do it all. I didn't want to make a choice. But to be with Jordan's family and Tristan the next day, just didn't feel morally right. The problem was compounded by the distance to the Cape, it was too far to go for a day. But even if I could have, we were driving together leaving no way for me to get back. Jordan was coming the following day and I still hadn't made up my mind. He assumed I was joining him as I had agreed to go, but it was not yet settled in my mind. I wrestled with the consequences of both of my options and found it too difficult to choose. To not go with Jordan was more than one decision, it would end the relationship we had. But Tristan was coming, I just had to see him, it was almost like an addiction.
By the very next day I felt pain in my stomach from not having made up my mind. I had been packing my clothes in a mechanical way, somehow just going through the motions. I picked up the phone and called a close friend, a friend I had known for life. I needed her advice, her support, her instincts; I couldn't get through it alone. When I heard her voice I started to cry, it had all been bottled up so long.
"Hi." I said, as the tears filled my eyes, "I still don't know what to do."
We had discussed it before with no resolution but this time she had something to say.
"Listen," she said. "There is no real decision at hand to be made. I don't think right now you are seriously convinced that your relationship with Jordan is exhausted. So, unless you have definitively made up your mind, and I don't think at this point that you have, you have no choice but to go. By going, you leave yourself the option to deal with the situation later. It will give you more time to sort things out. If you don't go, you're eliminating that option because the decision alone, speaks for itself. Also, I think that you will really hurt Jordan by doing it this way, I mean, even more hurt than he's been. And let's be honest, you and I both know that you're never going to wind up with Tristan anyway. You're from two different worlds. He's German, you're Jewish, did you forget that? And he lives in Germany, not exactly around the corner. He's also a flight attendant. I don't think that's who you've always seen yourself with. I guess if you are going to make the decision to end things with Jordan, at least do it for the right reasons, or for the right person, not just for some fling."
I valued her opinion but I knew that there was more to it than that.
"But you know," I said, "it's not just about Tristan, necessarily. It's about the spark that's evoked within me when I'm with him. What I'm talking about is the feeling itself. The intensity. That wonderful feeling of being alive. I haven't felt like that in a very long time. Now that I've tasted it, it's difficult to acc
ept feeling anything less. Whether or not I end up with Tristan is really almost irrelevant. It's those feelings that I want to have. I know it sounds crazy, but seeing him is almost like a test. Maybe I'm creating a new emotional standard for myself and ultimately it will convince me that being with Jordan could never be good enough. Who knows, but it is a feeling that's hard to resist. That's for sure."
She breathed a long sigh as she shared my pain, and said, "I know, but remember, this will not be Tristan's last flight to New York. So, either way, you will have the opportunity to see him again, maybe just not as soon."
I knew that she was right. On all accounts. And if I went with Jordan, in some ways I would accomplish everything, all in due time. But patience was not my virtue. I knew my needs, I knew my limitations. And from where I stood, the future could not wait.
But the following day I called Tristan. He was back in Germany and I hoped he'd be home.
"Hello?" I heard him pick up. I felt a rush of excitement and suddenly felt weak at the thought of my plan.
"Hi, Tris?" I said with a question in my voice.
"Hi," he responded energetically and with immediate recognition. "Does this mean what I think it does?" he asked disappointedly.
"Yes," I said, "unfortunately, I am just not comfortable telling Jordan that I can't go with him. Ultimately, I will have to deal with it all, but it will be easier after the holidays. Believe me, the thought of you being right down the street from where I live, two days from now, when I'm not there, is making me crazy."
I gave him some suggestions of things to do on Christmas, given the fact that many places might be closed. As the conversation continued, I felt a strange sensation. It was almost like free falling. There was no bottom or no end in sight. But that's what it was like. I didn't know when I'd see Tristan again. We said our good-byes which were simple and light, and said we would talk sometime soon.
Jordan arrived at my apartment that night. We had not yet discussed how long we would stay, but he knew I was going to the Cape. It was all so confusing. I felt like I was on unstable ground. With anything he did or anything he said, I was on the verge of changing my mind. But I couldn't. Or wouldn't. It just wasn't fair. One thing at a time, I kept telling myself. But then my sister stopped by. And she offered me something that changed everything.
She came to my apartment to say hello, but really she had come to see Jordan. She and Jordan had a nice relationship but they hadn't seen each other since I had left for Asia. As they interacted happily I felt my heart being torn. It was one more thing that I loved about Jordan. His wonderful ability to care for others and make others care for him. And yet as I watched him, he appeared to me differently than he had on our three week trip. But I knew the changed person was me and not him, the reality was just setting in.
Jordan excused himself to go move his car, and my sister and I were alone. She and I were close, incredibly close, and she knew of my innermost thoughts. She knew about Tristan, my confusion and desires, but had her opinions all the same.
"What did you finally decide," she asked me, hoping that I planned to go. She really liked Jordan and understood what lacked, but had reasons for me going despite it.
My answer was melancholy as I told her my decision, but explained that I still wasn't happy.
"I think you should go and see how you feel, but don't stay around for Tristan."
She didn't need to say it, I knew what she was thinking. Her face spoke words of its own. But then she looked at me. She saw my distress. And she knew that Jordan was not the answer.
"I need to feel the excitement I've been missing. The passion that I have always dreamt of feeling for him but never have. Now, its close enough to touch," I said sadly.
"I know, I want to feel that way too," she admitted. "OK, I'm not encouraging this," she said. "But I have an idea. Why don't you take my car?"
She had just bought a car and I didn't own one, but I wasn't quite sure what she meant.
She added, "If you and Jordan take separate cars, you can come home whenever you want."
My eyes opened wide as thoughts raced through my head, wondering if it was really an option.
"Really, are you serious, I mean it's a five hour drive. You don't mind if I drive it that far, you haven't really used it yourself."
She replied, "Honestly, I'm not that psyched about it but I want you to have the opportunity to do what you want. By the way, when was the last time you drove a stick shift?"
We both laughed, remembering the jerky movements and number of stalls that I made her last car perform.
"Years ago, but I promise, I know how to drive one," I said with a chuckle. It actually did scare me to think about the distance but suddenly, there was no obstacle too big.
"Well, there's one more thing," she added. "You know that I'm going on vacation tomorrow, and I was planning on driving my car to the airport. If you're taking the car, I need to know tonight so I can plan for a ride tomorrow. Oh, and another thing. If you take it, you're responsible for it the entire week until the day I get back. When you bring it back to the city, you have to follow the rules for alternate side of the street parking. You have to move it every day, or every other day, depending on the spot you get."
Suddenly this was getting extremely complicated and I wasn't very comfortable with what I was taking on. A manual car. My sister's car. A five hour trip. By myself. And then back. Parking for a week in Manhattan. There were never any spots in Manhattan. Maneuvering in and out of those little spots with a stick. I was definitely better on the highway with a stick. And my sister. It would inconvenience her. She would have to take a cab to the airport. I should probably offer to pay. But I knew that all of it only seemed insurmountable because of the deceit I was creating. I didn't know what I was going to tell Jordan. Why I was leaving the Cape early. But I knew that he wouldn't be entirely surprised, he would however, be disappointed.
Jordan and I spent the evening together as I finished my last minute packing. We ate and had fun but my stomach still ached, as my guts were bursting inside. My sister had since gone and I had not yet made up my mind. She told me that she would be out late that night, and that I should leave her a message on her answering machine. She would then call a cab to reserve for the next day, after she got home that night. New York was good that way, nothing ever closed. But, having the option, I struggled all over again. I despised myself for considering the choice, but more, for thinking I could do it. I could punish myself to make me feel better, if that's what it took to see him. Yes, that's what I would do. So I picked up the phone, my portable one, and took it with me to the bathroom.
"Hi, it's me," I whispered into the phone. "I'd like to take the car tomorrow, if that's still OK. I'll call you in the morning." Her voice was very soothing yet my sister wasn't home, but her machine would talk to her that night.
Jordan and I woke up several hours later. It was 6:30 a.m. and early for us. After a long day of driving, he wanted to relax and ensure that we'd have a full day. I told Jordan that I was going into the shower, but I'd hurry so he could get in soon. Before I went in, he had all his clothes on and said he was going downstairs.
"I'll be back in a minute," he said, "I'm just going to bring the car around so we can load our things right in front."
I closed the door behind him and got undressed, ready to go into the shower. Then I stopped. I turned off the water to make a quick phone call as I realized I had never told Tristan. I panicked at the thought of Jordan walking in, wondering who I was calling so early. It wasn't ringing yet. The connection always took so long. International calls for some reason always did that. I heard the rings and I prayed for his machine to go off already. I knew he wasn't home but I wanted to make sure that he knew that I was coming back to New York. After all I'd been through and was about to go through, I didn't want him to have other plans. I wasn't sure if he had friends in New York, but I wasn't willing to take the chance. I really felt confident, that if he knew I'd be bac
k, he would spend it with me, no doubt. But he wasn't aware and there was no point to risk the possibility of missing him. The machine went off and I understood the words as he had changed his message to English.
"Tristan, hi it's me again," I felt familiar enough with him to say that. "I don't have time to explain right now, but I'll be back in New York tomorrow. There's been a change of plans, and now I will be able to see you," I added.
I didn't want to tell him I was coming back for him, at the same time I needed to know he'd be there.
"So I hope that you haven't made any other plans, and if you have, I guess you'll just have to cancel them," I said playfully. "Anyway, I know when you're arriving, you already told me, but I won't arrive until later. I should be back about 8 p.m. So try and go to sleep when you get here," I chuckled. "This way you'll be able to stay awake when I arrive. Oh, and one last thing. If for some reason you are not still able to get together, please leave me a message on my machine. You don't have to call if we're still on. So, if I don't hear from you, I'll assume that I will see you tomorrow. Have a good night," and with that, I hung up the phone.
I dialed again, this time to my sister. I knew she'd be up getting ready for her trip and we had to sort out the car. I had discussed it with Jordan the night before and his response was as I expected. He was confused, upset, and frustrated with my urgency, to get back to New York so soon. He viewed the four days away almost like a vacation. For me it was different, in more ways than one. But after a conversation, he went along with it regrettably because we could only discuss it for so long.
"Hi," I said, after I heard my sister's voice. "I didn't wake you did I?"
"No," she said, "but I am in a rush and we're going to have to go through the details quickly."
I could tell that she wished that I wasn't taking her car and wished that she had never even offered it. I didn't blame her. Although it was used, it was new to her, and I wasn't exactly adept with a stick. She was worried about the car but it was really more than that. She was definitely worried about me. It was cold outside, the car had its problems and she feared that I could get stuck. And then, more than that, there was the reason that I was taking it. With her, it did not sit well.
Unquenched Page 6