by Ashlyn Kane
Hobbes scowled. “Well. That’s… shitty.”
“Tell me about it.”
“What an ass. He met your sister.”
“I know,” Jax said.
“So.” Hobbes poured some coffee and sat down at the table. “Where does that leave you?”
“Fuck if I know. Mad and hurt and waiting to see what Ari does?”
Hobbes made a noise of neutral consideration. Jax’s phone chirped.
A message from Ari. He took a deep breath and looked at it. I am an idiot. Can we talk? I would like to apologize and explain and apologize.
Jax swallowed. If Ari wanted to apologize—badly enough he’d mentioned it twice—that was a good sign, right? Maybe Ari wasn’t a total loss.
Not today. I’m busy before work. Maybe tomorrow.
Okay. Until then know I never meant or wanted to hurt you.
Okay.
Tomorrow then.
“So?” Hobbes asked.
Jax exhaled. “We’ll talk tomorrow. I have shit that needs doing today.” He stood and cleaned up his breakfast things.
“For what it’s worth, kid,” Hobbes called as Jax was about to leave the kitchen, “I didn’t think you were alone in this.”
“Thanks, Hobbes.”
Jax had to visit three different shops, but by the time he made his way to work, he’d found and bought replacements for everything. At least as he was running around the city, trying guitars and looking for the best deals, he couldn’t think about Ari and his bruised heart.
Much.
ARI SET his phone aside and stared into space. So, he’d fucked up badly enough that Jax didn’t want to see him today, but not so bad that Jax was denying him the chance to apologize. So that was good.
Maybe.
God. Why was he so bad at this?
He stood ruminating in his kitchen for he didn’t know how long before Afra arrived.
She kicked off her shoes and marched up to him. “Well. You’re alive, I see. You know you scared the shit out of Theo. He said you looked miserable.”
Ari made a face. He felt miserable. And he didn’t exactly want to tell his sister what happened, but she wouldn’t let him escape the conversation. “Jax and I had a fight.”
“What about?”
Figuring he’d better pull the bandage off quickly, Ari confessed, “About the fact that Baba and Maman do not know about him. And that I did not tell Jax this fact or that they attempted to set me up with someone a few weeks ago.”
Afra raised her eyebrows and opened her mouth, but it was another moment before she found the words to come out of it. “Wow,” she said. “I should slap you myself. I had no idea you were such an asshole.”
Ari winced. He deserved that. “Yes, well. Neither did Jax, and now he does. Which is the problem.”
“It’s too early in the day to start drinking, but you’re gonna owe me at the end of this. Not beer either, I need something harder.” She kicked out a chair at the kitchen table and dropped into it. “But actually, you’re wrong about the problem. Or you’re wrong about the first problem.”
Ari was getting used to the idea that he was wrong about a lot of things, so he poured two cups of coffee and sat down. “Since I’m incapable of using the sense I was born with, would you care to enlighten me?”
“The first problem is,” Afra said, pulling her mug toward herself, “you didn’t know you were an asshole.”
Grimacing, Ari stirred a half teaspoon of sugar into his drink. “I can learn to live with my own mistakes.” Well, that wasn’t the whole truth. “Provided Jax can forgive them.”
“At least now you’ve got your priorities straight.” She blew out a long breath and picked up her mug. “So what’s your plan?”
“Grovel?”
“That’s a good start. Vague, though.”
Yes, that was a problem. “I’m still working out the details.” How did you make up for something like that? He could amend his behavior going forward, but he couldn’t undo the mistakes he’d already made.
And any apology was going to have to include addressing the original issue, which meant telling his parents the truth and introducing them to Jax.
Ari needed a few hours and a lot more coffee to work up to confronting that fact.
“Uh-huh.” Afra sounded skeptical. “Just don’t put it off too long. I mean… you were happy. I have never seen you like that. Don’t fuck it up any worse.”
“Your encouragement is heartwarming,” Ari said morosely.
“You’re damn right. Now.” She sat forward in her chair and pulled her tablet out of her purse. “We’ve got four months until the tour begins. It’s time to start looking at scheduling. I talked to Noella, and she’s got a list of venues and festivals she wants you to hit.”
Grateful for the distraction, Ari sank into several hours of planning and worked up a list of potential venues so Afra could start putting the tour together. By the time she left, he felt almost okay about what he had to do next.
Key word being almost.
He made a sandwich for lunch and ate it standing next to the piano, looking out the window at the view but not really seeing it.
He needed to call his parents—possibly even go over there and explain in person so they could see how serious he was. And then he needed to open his mouth and say, Maman, Baba, I know you have dreams of me settling down with a nice Persian doctor, but I’m dating a white bartender and I need you to pretend to be okay with that.
There should be a song for that. And maybe he was still in procrastination mode, because he brought his sandwich plate back to the kitchen and then sat down at the piano, pulled his notepad toward himself, and started to scribble.
You say you won’t be
my dirty little secret.
Oh, but everybody knows.
You say I’m singing solo,
But this is half of a duet
I’ve been trying to transpose.
How can I tell someone what you mean
When I haven’t got the words?
How can I sing a song unseen
If I might also go unheard?
If you have an accusation, honey,
I’ve got the perfect excuse.
And if you have a broken heart, baby,
I’ve got a matching set of blues.
It wasn’t the song he’d intended to write, but he could see where it was going, and maybe that was enough of a sign. He put down his pen and sighed as he reached for his car keys. Time to see if his parents were home.
Chapter Seventeen
IT WAS Jax’s idea to meet at a coffee shop, even though he didn’t drink the stuff. Neutral territory, somewhere they could each storm out if the mood struck. And because Jax was a practical man, he’d chosen Starbucks. He wasn’t sacrificing his good memories of his favorite pastry place on the altar of their relationship if the shit hit the fan.
He arrived fifteen minutes early and ordered a mint tea, hoping to calm his nervous stomach. Then he sat at a table in a corner and made himself as small and unapproachable as possible.
He expected a disaster.
Ari came in five minutes before the appointed time and ordered a London Fog. The drink suited him—looked nice, smelled better, unexpected depth of flavor. Jax raised his head and made eye contact to acknowledge he’d seen Ari, and ignored the butterflies attempting to stage a coup in his belly. They could keep their fluttering to themselves.
Finally the drink was ready and Ari sat down, glancing around as though to gauge their privacy. Shit, Jax hadn’t thought of that. He’d never dated anyone kind of famous before. He hoped it wouldn’t become an issue.
“Thank you for agreeing to meet with me,” Ari began formally as he ran his long fingers along the edge of his cup lid. For a moment he watched his own hands, and Jax wondered if he was going to keep talking to them, but then he lifted his gaze and met Jax’s eyes. “I treated you abominably. You deserve better.”
Unless Ari was a bet
ter actor than Jax gave him credit for, he meant that. He looked like he hadn’t slept in two days, and his eyes were shadowed with guilt as well as exhaustion.
Maybe they could salvage this. “Yeah, well.” Jax wrapped both hands around his cup and tried to draw strength from the remaining warmth. “Either you’re going to earn a second chance or I’m going to get closure, I guess.” He didn’t like that it came to an ultimatum, but some things could not be compromised.
Ari swallowed. “I understand. It was inexcusable of me to keep our relationship from my parents without at least explaining my reasons to you. I shouldn’t have made you feel as though I’m ashamed of anything about you. Nothing could be further from the truth.”
Jax let out a slow breath. Ari still had a ways to go, but he was on the right track. Jax could acknowledge that and attempt to explain the strength of his own reaction. “Thank you.” He cleared his throat. “It hit a nerve, you know? Not just because of things with my own mom, but.” He rubbed at a little run of spilled tea dripping down the side of his cup. “One of the things with ADHD, it can make you feel like you’re not good enough, being left behind. So anything that seems to confirm those feelings is a big deal. I’m telling you now because it’ll come up again.” It was easier to manage now that he had medication and a diagnosis, but twenty-seven years of baggage didn’t unpack itself overnight.
Especially since the PhD was on indefinite hold.
Ari looked stricken. “Jax… I regret that I hurt you.”
Jax nodded and lifted his cup. Lukewarm tea proved a poor distraction.
“Also, I should have told you the truth about Sohrab when it happened.” Ari put his cup down, flexed his hands into fists, then released them and twitched his fingers as though he were warming up for the piano.
“Why didn’t you?”
He sighed. “I was embarrassed and ashamed I hadn’t told my parents about us, and that it led to such an absurd situation.” He made an abortive motion toward Jax’s hand, and after a moment’s hesitation Jax reached out and allowed him to take it. “I don’t ever want you to doubt my loyalty or my feelings for you.”
Two for two, Jax thought. “Apology accepted.”
That left the restitution, though. Ari could apologize all he liked, but— “So what are we going to do about it?” He should’ve said you, but he’d used up his assertiveness.
Ari took a deep breath. “I have told my parents about you and they wish to meet you.”
“Oh.” Jax hadn’t expected Ari to fix that so quickly. “Okay.”
Ari squeezed Jax’s hand. “I want to warn you… I wasn’t exaggerating when I said that my parents have chased away men.”
“It’s okay. I’ve got excellent meet-the-parents game.” That was probably an exaggeration—Jax hadn’t met a lot of parents in this context—but he was great at charming people.
“I am aware of how charming you are. But Jax, I need you to understand something. There is a reason my parents picked Sohrab. Remember when I told you about them wanting me closer to home? Well, mostly they want me to marry a rich Persian doctor and be his househusband. They have probably already gathered information about surrogates and adoption.”
“That’s, uh, a very specific wish list.” Surely his parents couldn’t be that restrictive? Then again, Jax’s mother’s dream for him involved a PhD in math at a Canadian university.
“Indeed. And yes, they love me, but they also love the image they’ve created of my future. And you are definitely not a Persian doctor.”
“Ah. Right.” So Jax was starting on the back foot. That was fine; in a manner of speaking, he’d been on the back foot most of his life without knowing it. He could work with that. “I guess that means I have to try extra hard to be lovable.”
Ari frowned and looked not entirely convinced. Jax squeezed his hand.
“Also, sorry, but do your parents think you’re a girl in the early twentieth century? Why marry you off to a doctor?”
“My parents are doctors and neither of their children are. It’s their last chance to get a doctor in the family. Or so they think.”
That made a weird sort of sense, Jax supposed. “Wait, isn’t Ben—?”
“He’s a psychologist. Not quite the same as an MD.”
“Ah.” Again, weird sense. “So when is this meet happening?”
“Well, my parents are available to meet you this weekend. We could do Sunday dinner?”
“Okay. Yeah. Let’s do that.” Jax sipped his cooling tea and wondered if it was too soon to brace himself for the meeting. He looked up and caught Ari looking back at him. His eyes were fond, and a little smile curled his lips. Jax wanted to kiss him. “How do you feel about PDA?”
“At this very moment? I think I feel almost favorably about the idea. But creeper pictures of me have found their way to the internet, and I’m not overly fond of the idea of any moment with you being treated that way.”
“That is… totally fair. Also, how did you make ‘Don’t kiss me’ sound sweet?”
“If you like, we could go back to my place for that kiss?”
Jax wasn’t sure how far he wanted to take things. He was exhausted from the uncertainty of the past few days, but he really wanted to kiss Ari. “Okay. Let’s do that.”
AT ARI’S they barely made it through the door before Jax cupped Ari’s face and gently kissed him. Ari hummed and wrapped his arms around Jax and held him almost tenderly.
They didn’t stumble to the bed or start taking off clothes. Instead they curled up together on the couch, close and touching, kissing almost chastely. It kind of felt like high school, and Jax couldn’t say he disliked it.
“I think I’m too tired to move.”
“You will have to move eventually when you go to your shift.”
Jax groaned. “Don’t remind me. Can’t I just hide on your couch forever?” He tried to burrow into the cushions and ended up pressing his face to Ari’s chest. His chuckle made Jax’s head vibrate.
“I would gladly give you safe harbor from all the evils in the world,” Ari murmured. His soft, deep rumble sent shivers down Jax’s spine. “But I am not sure Murph counts. In fact, excepting his atrocious habit of using thick Newfie slang solely for the purpose of getting out of conversations, I can’t think of anything very dastardly about him.”
Jax hummed. Thinking about Murph made him want to blush and squirm with embarrassment as he remembered the trouble his stupidity had caused, but he shoved those thoughts away and focused on Ari’s warm body. “He does make me carry kegs. From the basement. With the spiders. And the things with more legs than spiders.”
“The horror.” Ari’s voice was dry as kindling. “Very well. I shall keep you safe here in my ivory tower.” He curled an arm around Jax’s shoulders and held him close. “I will defend you from marauding arachnids and unreasonable barkeeps for as long as you like.”
Jax snickered. “My hero. Can you also protect me from drunk patrons who just want me to sing ‘Piano Man’?”
“Oh, definitely. I have been known to stop Billy-Joel-requesting drunkards in their tracks.”
“Good.” Jax snuggled closer, and then his stomach reminded him he’d been off his food for two days. “Hey, Ari, does your ivory tower have any food in it? Because I could really go for some lunch.”
Ari pressed his face into Jax’s hair. “There is some. But I think today is a ‘Screw it, let’s support a local business’ day. How do you feel about gyros? There is a place down the road that makes some excellent sandwiches.”
“Hm, depends. What kind of sides come with it?”
Ari whipped out his phone. “Let’s see.”
An hour later they had decimated their lunch and were watching TV, though Jax wasn’t so much watching as staring in its general direction. Ari had put on The Golden Girls, and Jax had lost track of the plot about five minutes in. He wiggled and settled his head on Ari’s shoulder. He would close his eyes for just a minute, and then maybe he’d be abl
e to keep them open.
But when he opened his eyes again, the credits were running, Ari’s fingers were threaded in his hair, and he was chasing away the memory of—
“I’m guessing there’s no Golden Girls episode about string theory?” Jax said groggily, blinking away the last traces of the dream, in which Betty White had moonlighted as a theoretical physicist.
Ari paused with his fingers tracing the shell of Jax’s ear. “Not that I’m aware of.” His voice radiated amusement. “Although it sounds intriguing.”
“Oh yeah?” Jax tilted his head back to look into Ari’s eyes. “Are you secretly into unifying theories of physics?”
“Are you telling me that string theory has nothing to do with pianos and violins?”
Jax laughed, snuggled his head back, and stretched out his legs. Ari got the memo and resumed carding his fingers through Jax’s hair. “No. Well, not more than it has to do with snails or real estate. String theory is… complicated, but it intends to describe a unifying theory of physics. Someone thought, ‘Okay, well, what if the particles we think we know of are actually tiny vibrating strings. Two kinds—one that’s open on both ends, and one where the ends are connected so it forms a loop.’”
“I’m with you so far.”
“You’re doing better than most, then.” Jax flexed his toes. “Anyway, you’ll like this part—strings vibrating at different frequencies constitute different particles. So, like, say a G4 gives you a graviton.”
Ari ceased running his fingers through Jax’s hair and rested his hand on his chest. “Why do I feel as though you’re oversimplifying this?”
With a snort, Jax admitted, “I’m an applied mathematician, not a theoretical one. True understanding of it is beyond me. The thing that got people excited about string theory is it could describe both gravity and quantum mechanics, which had never happened before. People were hoping for a unifying theory—that means something that can describe all the forces that act on particles with a single framework of these strings interacting.”