“You wonder why I watch golf.”
“Well, you act like I’m not nice to these people. I am. You’d think I could be myself with you every once-in-a-while. Can’t I? With you? I mean, you are with me.”
“You’re not as open about that either sometimes.”
She put her hands onto the counter and looked into the sink. It was dirty from a bowl of cereal, a spoon of peanut butter and a plate with mysterious yellow particles crusted onto it.
“Look, let’s drop this. I got another job, period. That makes,” she counted aloud and on her fingers, “five from last week, this one makes six and it’s only Wednesday. If this trend continues, I can take next week off and work on things that I want to work on.”
“Wow.”
She looked up at him to see if he was jibing her or if he was being serious. Her eyes flickered as they measured his face.
He must have sensed her doubt. “No, really, Euly, that’s great.”
“This one is for seven-hundred words with links and two photo inserts. I’ll bill close to seven hundred. The others I’ll get out this week are all around six hundred. That’s close to three thousand dollars this week. Pretty good, huh?”
“Yep.” He paused.
She turned to him glowing with pride and assumed he was thinking about her run of fortune when he continued, “I wish we were having potatoes.”
His sudden flip to the unrelated topic made her anger flare up fast. She would have a record-breaking week and he wanted stupid potatoes.
“Yeah, well, we’re not. We’re having rice.”
Steamed rice, she thought.
Everything thing he said or did lately angered her. She felt like getting out of it once and for all.
The refrigerator reeked of something dead – something rank. Geoff caught a whiff of it too. He commented how awful it was before ambling back to his spot on the couch.
She’d been home less than an hour. She was amazed the ray of anger she beamed into the back of his head didn’t explode his skull right then and there, but it didn’t.
He remained oblivious there in front of the big screen as he watched a little white ball make its way across another distant golf course green. She envied him, the way he could escape to some other place in his mind, some refuge. She couldn’t without packing suitcases and buying an airline ticket.
She squeezed half an orange over the salmon and sprinkled on salt and curry pepper as a marinade. Then, she drizzled olive oil over it and turned the pieces of fish dredging them in the juice. While she prepared dinner she remembered, she was protected. The property was hers from the last failed marriage. The prenuptial agreement made sure of it.
CHAPTER THIRTY NINE
The sun was setting behind a thick bank of clouds. Belle had a resolved air about her. Her time had been used up, her secrets revealed. Sadness no longer held her life in check. Her lungs did. It was more a sense of closure that Euly detected in her mother’s voice. She spent this moment with her mother watching her, watching for signs of her dying.
The air was unmoving and crisp while they sat under a scrawny-armed elm out in the courtyard. It was obvious Belle had taken a downward turn.
She could see her mother struggling for oxygen. Euly thought they would’ve had longer. She hoped until the spring.
A dark cloud billowed and filled the sky. It seemed so near she felt she could reach out and grab its thick cotton boll. And the scent casting off hinted of snow, not rain this time, snow. She thought, you could tell snow was coming every time – thick with salt as if the ocean itself froze and sent its messenger, telling everyone to go in for the season and rest, to pull over a thick quilt and sleep. This winter’s message was one Euly wanted to postpone. She wanted time to freeze there as they sat together outside in the cold. She looked away from her mother and breathed in deeply.
“It’s frosty.”
“Are you too cold, mother?”
“No, it’s nice, it makes me feel alive.” Euly didn’t respond. Belle had earned the right to say what she felt even if it upset Euly. She closed her eyes and pressed her chin to the sky.
“I spoke with Enaya yesterday. We had a nice long chat.”
“That’s good.” Euly opened her eyes and wondered what the conversation was between them.
“She’ll be here tomorrow.”
“What time?”
“She should be here in the morning, early.”
Euly looked at her watch. Night was coming on. “She’s getting a rental car and will come directly here to see you, okay?”
“Okay.” Her voice was quiet as if she didn’t mind one way or the other.
“You know, mom…”
“Euly?” Belle interrupted. “Have you ever wished you can turn back the hands of time?”
“Boy. Let’s see. I can’t count that many times on my arms and legs, fingers and toes.”
“One thing I’ve learned is mostly things happen for reasons. But, if there was ever a time in my life that I could change things, it would only be so I could spend more time with you girls. Not to change outcomes. Does that make sense?” Euly looked over at her mother but Belle continued to talk before she could respond. “Try not to judge yourself to harshly dear. It’s simply not worth it.” Then, Belle looked directly into Euly’s eyes. “Will you promise me that, Euly? Promise me you’ll go easy on yourself?”
Euly grabbed her mother’s hand and, holding it to her face, began to cry. But her mother wasn’t done.
“Be good to your sister, Euly. She’ll be all you’ll have of our little family after I’m gone. Find it in your heart to be good to your sister. She loves you so much, honey. Do you know that?”
Euly nodded that she understood her mother and wiped her nose. “I know mom.”
“By the way, young lady, how did you become so critical?”
Euly shook her head knowing her mother wasn’t finished.
“It’s a waste of time.” Belle paused for a several heartbeats before she went on. “Love your husband.” She breathed in and out. “He’s a fine man.” She breathed again. “Quite a catch.”
She squeezed Euly’s hand and continued in a whisper. “He has been here… every day… since you left… quite a catch… that one.” She paused and struggled in another breath. “He brings me things... Like I need things...” Her eyes glistened and she smiled. She patted her daughter’s hand.
Her final stream of whispered words showed Belle’s unusual strength at this point. “He doesn’t know what to do with us. We Masada women are tough eggs, you know? He doesn’t know what to do with you.” She looked at Euly and took in air. “Look at me, Euly.” She meant to drive home a point by putting one finger under her daughter’s chin. Euly let her do it and when she looked at her mother, she noted how her eyes looked like an old dog’s, fogged over and glassy.
Euly nearly choked her own breath.
“He doesn’t know what to do with you.” She whispered hard. “Try to understand he’s just a man. They don’t think like women. Our minds are always on high alert, always going in all different directions, all the time.” She tapped her head with one finger. “They don’t get us. You have to be kind.” Belle paused, put her hands to her heart, gasped once but then relaxed back into her chair. “I can’t talk anymore. Okay?”
She smiled but blinked with heavy lids at Euly. Euly mouthed the word okay.
“Mom? Can I ask you something about what you told me?” Just as Euly asked, Belle became unsettled and seemed to struggle for air and then began to cough.
“Mother, are you okay? Mom?”
But, the cough persisted to the point that Euly had to call for a nurse. "Mother, I'll be right back with help." Euly ran into the hospice. Her voice echoed through the halls as she screamed for a nurse to help her.
CHAPTER FORTY
Had she ever wished for anything this hard? Once. She thought maybe one time before but the wish felt distant and unattainable. So Euly dropped it like a feather and wat
ched it drift off until it was out of her mind. They were making her comfortable now, as they put it, adjusting her sheets and pillows, wiping her down with warm wash clothes, swabbing her mouth and putting a rolled towel under her neck to keep her chin up so she could breathe easier. The clock was speeding out of control.
“She’s sleeping now. I’ll be home later when I know she’s stable. I don’t know when that will be, Geoff. If it’s too late, I’ll call, okay?” Artis came in to check on Belle. Euly ended the phone call with Geoff.
“She seems quiet now, darlin’.” She tried to reassure Euly. “She gave you quite a scare didn’t she, honey?” Euly nodded and continued to watch her mother. She’s been having these fits for the last few days but you wouldn’t know that would you, now? That sweet husband of yours, what’s his name again, Geoff, is it? Well, he was very helpful. He stayed two nights, when she was particularly bad, until morning. Yes sir. He’s a fine man. Good lookin’ too. My, my. He sure is. He’s got the entire second and third shift in a tizzy. He’s a good one. The girls been flirting with him. But, why not, right? The man is fine. See, the other night your mama was coughing to beat the band, she was. He fretted about her. You could tell.”
“He didn’t tell me.”
“No, I suppose he didn’t. He’s not like that, now, is he?” Artis continued to check the monitors, prop Belle’s pillow, tug on her blankets and check her catheter as she talked to Euly. “Now, look. Your mother is doing just fine, right now. If anything changes, I’ll call you. Why don’t you go home and get some rest. You’ll do her no good at all if you don’t have some energy.”
“Thanks, Artis, but I think I’d like to wait a little while longer.”
Artis patted Euly’s shoulder and looked consolingly at her. “If you need anything, you just ask me, okay? Pillow, blanket, anything. Are you hungry?”
“No, but thank you.”
Artis looked at her and tipped her head. She went to a cupboard and pulled out some bedding. She set it on the recliner.
Euly could see Belle’s condition was getting bad. They’d aspirated her lungs. They put her on an IV and intubated by inserting a tube down her throat to supply the oxygen she needed to breathe. Artis left momentarily but came back in with a syringe.
“What’s that for?”
“Something to make her sleep better, darlin’.”
“What is it?”
“Morphine, honey.”
“Morphine? You can’t give her morphine, it will kill her!”
Artis looked at Euly with a deadpan face. “Who ordered this?” But Artis’ face didn’t change. “Tell me! Who ordered this?”
“Honey, your mother asked when she got to this point to give her morphine so she wouldn’t feel any pain.”
“When she got to what point?”
“Honey…” Her voice trailed off with a lilt intended for Euly to understand, like she was supposed to ‘get it.’
“What! It’s not time yet. She’s not dying. My sister isn’t coming until tomorrow.”
Artis set down the syringe and faced Euly and grabbed both her hands but Euly pulled away. “No. You can’t make this better by coddling me. You can’t do this.”
“Euly.” Artis grabbed her hands again and Euly broke down. “Honey. It’s what your mother wants. It’s between her and God now.”
“It’s not supposed to be this way. She’s supposed to stay longer.”
“Shh. Come on sit down.” Artis helped Euly back to her chair. “You know, let me tell you something. In all my years here at Madrona Gardens, I’ve never met a more amazing woman than your mother.” Euly nodded her head. “She loves you girls so, do you know that? She brags about you girls day and night. She tells us you’re a writer, that you’re writing a book or something. Is that right?” Euly nodded again and then looked over at her mother. “And your sister. She sounds like a dear woman. How many kids does she have again?”
“Three.”
“Three kids. Ain’t that the best? She a good mother?”
“She’s a great mother.”
“Takes after your own, does she?”
A smile crossed her face and spread to her eyes, “I suppose she does.”
“Now see ain’t life funny, darlin’? She always told me you were the spittin’ image of her.” Artis looked deeply into Euly’s eyes and nodded her head.
“She used to tell me that I was just like dad.”
“Probably a little of both, don’t you suppose?”
“Yeah. I guess so.”
Artis grabbed Euly’s chin so she would look into her own eyes and smiled.
“Oh, Artis, why is this so hard?”
“It always is, honey. It always is.” She stood up straight and cocked her head at Euly. “Now, let me do what your mother wants.”
“Can you give us a few more minutes together? Five minutes, Artis. That’s all I ask, just five more minutes.”
“Of course, honey. I’ll leave you two alone.”
CHAPTER FORTY ONE
“Did I wake you?”
His voice scratched out the word, no. “How’s she doing?”
“Not well.” She couldn’t talk.
“Honey, I’m sorry. Do you want me to come?”
She sniffed before speaking again. “No. No, it’s okay. Come in the morning. Early.”
“Are you sure? I can come right now.”
“No, honey. You need your sleep. Artis told me.”
“She needed company. It was no big deal.”
“It was huge.”
CHAPTER FORTY TWO
When she woke up an orderly was checking the drain bag. Its scanty level of urine rose up only an inch from the bottom. He keyed in the amount on the Belle’s chart and walked out. She rubbed her eyes and looked at the clock. It was a quarter after three in the morning. Her mother looked content lying there in bed and Euly wondered if she was smiling. She sat on the edge of the bed and grabbed her mother’s hand.
“Mom.” The first time was quiet. “Mom.”
The second time she tried to revive her mother was louder but ineffective and she wouldn’t awaken so she yelled to her. “Mom!”
It was no use. Belle was unresponsive. She put a hand to her mouth. She looked around the room for help. She stood then she sat. She stood once more and went to the phone and dialed her sister. Euly got her answering service. “I don’t know where you are, sis, but if you can you need to hurry.”
She hung up still watching her mother lie there. Belle seemed thin and weak – thinner than she had before Euly left for Phoenix. She felt a wave of guilt flood her body and she sat down and reached out for her mother’s hand.
“Mom, remember those games you used to play with us? We had fun, didn’t we?” Euly laughed as if her mother were whispering a joke into her ear. “Yeah, remember those treasure hunts? Weren’t they a blast? You had us going for hours looking for little gems, up the stairs, in the bushes, under pillows, everywhere! We didn’t need TV when we had you. You were so smart. You knew what you were doing – sending us off in search of a token or something, keeping us busy so you could paint. You know, mom, you were everything to us. You were the best.” Euly put her head down on the bed by Belle’s arm and cried but stopped and wiped off her face. Her mother still smelled like she always had – a mix somewhere found between Jergen’s and that indescribable but distinct essence of Belle. Euly thought for a moment she could make out a trace of linseed oil but dismissed it, figuring she was playing tricks on herself, tricks into imagining it. She pulled back Belle’s covers and sat on the edge of the bed. It felt firm but soft. Then, she slipped her legs under the sheets and laid on her side next to her mother. It felt familiar and natural. She wrapped her arm around her mother’s waist and whispered to her. “Hey. I just want you to know all that stuff about Micaiah and Sandy. It means nothing, you know? I don’t care. I understand now, mom.”
CHAPTER FORTY THREE
She didn’t hear Artis come back in. “Honey?” A
rtis woke her. It was five thirty.
“Oh, yes.” Euly sat up in the bed and tried to gather herself.
“This will only make her sleep better, honey. She’ll hang on for a little while longer.”
“But, my sister’s not here.”
“She shouldn’t become agitated at this point honey. I have to.”
Euly cupped a hand over her mouth as Artis injected the drug into the IV’s drip line. When she finished she looked at Belle.
“There darlin’, sleep well my friend.” She looked up at Euly. “I’ll miss her too.” She nodded and then walked out.
It was then and there Euly realized how many lives Belle must have had. She wished, at some level, she could’ve been more of a friend to her than a daughter. She wished that she could’ve been more mature in accepting her, like Aunt Moon, who would listen to her stories and not judge her, and even if she did, she wouldn’t say – that sort of friend, the very best of people, someone who would just listen.
“Mom.” Euly whispered now. “I’m sorry for not being there for you. No, no. I’m not talking about now, I’m talking about then when you might’ve needed someone to talk to. I know you don’t need any apologies, but I want to give you one, okay. Just let me, this one time. Okay?” Euly was holding her own conversation with her mother as she laid there unconscious.
She needed to call Enaya again.
CHAPTER FORTY FOUR
Euly’s head rested on the bed but she wasn’t asleep. She heard the desperate steps from down the hall approaching Belle’s room when Enaya raced in. Euly lifted her head off the damp on the bed spot and turned to look at her sister.
She couldn’t stop her chin from quivering.
Shook her head. “It’s over.”
“Oh God, no.”
“I told you to come as soon as you could. Where were you?” She looked at her watch but it was only seven. Belle had hung on until only moments ago. Euly began to cry.
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