I know in my heart that I need to stop being the social worker, the carer for insecure men. I need to be me and I need to date someone who needs to be them. My back is breaking from carrying other people around who offer me nothing in return. This is my time now.
Duncan and I have a long hug and I can hear him breathe heavily and mutter something under his breath, I assume that it is to himself. It sounds something along the lines of how this is the right thing for us.
We smile politely at each other.
As I watch him walk down the hallway I truly feel a sense of acceptance in my heart that this is over. But I am not upset, I am grateful. I am grateful for the fact that we have crossed paths in our lives for I know that both of us have learnt a great deal from one another. It’s obvious now that I am leaving, and now that I have realised my own power, it is also clear that his chapter in my story has come to a conclusion. Nothing in life lasts forever. Good, and bad.
I close my kitchen door and return to my Mariah Carey-oke. The CD has somehow paused but I’m still up for a sing-a-long. I sing ‘Infinity’ at the top of my voice box. I giggle because of how relevant the lyrics feel to where I’m standing today.
Duncan texts me just before I get into bed.
“Thanks for tonight, I know you’re right. I wish you all of the best, we will definitely have to stay in touch :-)”
There is no way I am staying in touch with him. I know that will be just like dragging him along with me wherever I end up in life. I appreciate the sentiment and I will miss him, but I can never see him again.
“You’re welcome. I wish you all the best too Duncan. Thanks for everything. X”
And that is the last I ever think of that man again.
27
I’ve already sort of mentioned having a few farewell drinks to Tripp and Rory for tonight. My only agenda for today is to sort out some sort of a plan. I’m pretty sure there’s some sort of social law against having a final night out in Dublin and not going to Temple Bar. And there’s no better way to have a send off than to go to your favourite pub. For me that is and always has been The Auld Dub. It’s pure class. It’s small and it’s crowded and half of the tourists visiting the city go there but I am in love with it. The Auld Dub is pure magic. I can’t be bothered with a pre-drinks. In fact I can’t actually be bothered with having a big night of drinking whatsoever, but again that would be a crime too - to leave the country indefinitely without having a final night out.
I send a group message to Tripp and Rory.
“Hey guys, Auld Dub tonight?”
“Sounds good!”
“What time??”
“Ten?”
“Ten is perfect.”
“Who else is coming?”
I hate that question. I don’t want anyone else to be there.
“Umm just us three, why? Who would you want to come?”
“Just wondering if Aaron or Thomas or anyone was invited…”
Like shite I would invite you, ya dick head. I consider flicking a text to Aaron impulsively before Tripp reminds me that I resigned in a bit of an ass-hole kind of way.
“Why is Thomas not invited? Should we invite him? He’s good craic.”
“No…” I say. I get a bit emotional imagining your face again.
“Why not? He’s great.”
“I just don’t have a relationship with him.” I actually have a bit of a laugh at the non-intended irony in that message.
“Doesn’t matter he’d be fun.”
“No I would rather it just be the three of us, I like things to be small and simple.”
“All good… Well, we’ll see you at ten then!”
“Sounds like a plan.”
“Awesome.”
At roughly nine o’clock it hits me just how emotionally exhausted I am. I am far from in the mood to go out and party. I physically have to force myself into a good mood, and when you have to do that, you already know that you’re in for a shit night.
I almost wonder if you’re going to show your face tonight. You have no idea where I am and you have no idea that I’m even going out tonight. But if our connection is true then our paths will cross. It’s really bad of me to still crave your presence. To still want to look into your eyes, even if it’s only one last time. My heart probably won’t be able to handle it if this is it for us. If I never hear from or see you ever again. I can’t actually comprehend that. I think that it would really hurt me so much to never see your face again that I’ve blocked out my ability to even consider it as possibility.
We’re going to see each other again. I know we will. It’s fate.
I get to The Auld Dubliner for ten. By the time I’m in Temple Bar I’m already in a good mood. It must be the atmosphere. It really pumps you up. As I’m sure I’ve said countless times before this area is just magical.
When you first walk into the Auld Dub you really feel like you have no way of getting inside. It is always so packed to the rafters that you have to have to physically muster up enough courage to politely push people aside and make your way through.
Tripp & Rory are already at the bar. Of course they are. I’m about two people away from them. I’m trying to squeeze my arm through the crowd to tap them on the shoulder but I can’t reach and there’s no way that they’re going to be able to overhear me over the sound of the chubby, bearded chap up from doing a cover of The Script. I wait and watch them grab their drinks and turn around to face me.
We probably shouldn’t have come here, it’s a bit of a tourist trap. The bars in the Temple Bar area hike up their prices to almost double of your average Dublin bar because they know people fly from all over the world to party here and will pay the price. Your middle class Dublin citizen would probably avoid this area on any given night out but here we are, throwing our money and cares into the air.
It’s my favourite place to be. I shouldn’t be so negative. I don’t do this a lot.
Tripp & Rory see me as they try budge their way back. Rory shrieks out and gives me a bit of a drunken hug. I’m not sure if he is drunk, he tends to act like he is even when he’s sober. I give him a hug back.
“We got you a drink!” He yells out, thrusting the spilling Guinness into my hand.
“Thanks!”
We bop up and down to the jams at the front and push our way through the crowd. I’ve been here ten minutes and I’m already having the time of my life. I really need to get out more. I have no idea why I waited until my last day to do this.
We’re singing and we’re having great craic, bouncing up and down, cheering everyone around us. There’s both a stag party and a hens night happening in the bar tonight. Lot’s of colourful characters.
I’m drunk in almost no time at all. I’m not scared of being drunk tonight, I don’t feel like I’m going to start crying or calling out your name, I honestly feel like I’m past that stage. In my drunken state I find my resolution, I find my inner peace.
Rory & Tripp, I love them. I will never tell them that just due to our circumstances and because we are all err, boys. But I do feel that way though. They make me happy. In fact, that’s all that matters to me. My friends. They’re squealing and chanting to a cover of Coldplay and I feel like my world has slurred around me. The people in the room are moving in slow motion, but I’m not. The sounds all around me are blurry and I’m left only with my thoughts. How did I never see this before. How was I so blinded. I was so ridiculously obsessed with you that I neglected some of the most important other types of love in my life. My friends. They have been there for me this whole time and I’ve shut them out, and somehow they are still standing here with me, celebrating the fact that I am on the road to finding happiness.
How can I be so fucking selfish?
How can I ever show my friends how much I love them now?
Tripp turns around to me and gives me a heads up shake. I give him a confused look. He spins his head and signals his eyes to the left of me. I slowly turn my head. Subtly. Th
ere’s a really really hot guy standing there. He’s about my height. Dark hair. Twelve o’clock shadow. Bit of muscle going on there too. Way too hot for me.
I throw Tripp a shocked look. He takes a step closer to me.
“Stay on him,” he whispers to me.
Again I give Tripp a confused look. But I turn my head and I realise that sexy, twelve o’clock shadow is in fact checking me out.
Now I’m not someone with a lot of game, even with alcohol in the equation, but at the same time I’m usually not a complete loser at this either.
I take a step back and I dance a little bit next to him. I can feel his body language open up the closer I get to him. Then I just do it. I don’t even think about it, I just latch onto him.
Now I don’t recommend this approach, for anyone. Usually you have to play the field a little bit, tease, make him really want it. If a guy knows your easy he really won’t go for you at all.
The two of us are making out and it’s really, really hot. I’m not even trying and I feel like I’m doing a really good job.
It’s not love at first sight, but it’s definitely fun.
This guy and I hang out for the remainder of the night. He buys me a few drinks, I shout him some too. I explain to him that I’m leaving tomorrow morning, indefinitely and he’s cool with it, he just wants to hang out. That’s quite different, but tonight it works with me so it’s cool.
It’s nearing 3 o’clock in the morning. My sexy kiss buddy has gone home. And the three of us are standing out the front of the bar in the cold. That’s when it hits me. I didn’t even think of you once since I went out tonight, except to consider how much everything is worth more to me than your memory is.
Maybe being away from you is going to be easier than I thought. Maybe all it’s going to take to get over you is a bit of time, a change of scene, and a new man in my life.
A smile creeps across my face and I feel like I am being lit up by a huge white light.
I am filled with a tremendous amount of joy. It’s a supernatural feeling that I don’t question. I know what this means. It means I am ready. It means I have learned, and now I am ready to move on.
If I were to explain this feeling, in the weirdest way possible, I would have to say that I feel like I’m in a video game and have just levelled up.
Rory, Tripp and I are having a smoke. The other two only smoke when they’re drunk. I promise myself I need to stop being so self detrimental and really live my life. You were a horrible prison for me for such a long period of time, but now that I see the way out, I realise that I put myself in my own cages. I don’t have to put myself through all of this pain all of the time. I need to get out. I need to see the world. I need to have fun. But most of all I need to start taking care of myself. There’s three cigarettes left in this packet, I make a mental promise to myself for those to be the last three cigarettes that I ever smoke.
“So,” says Rory, “this is it.”
I just smile at him, I don’t have any words, this sucks, but I can’t regret it now, I’m supposed to board that plane tomorrow, I have no doubt. My time here is done.
“Yer… This sucks.”
“I don’t even care.” Says Rory, kicking a rock across the ground and turning away.
“Oh God…” says Tripp, “this is shit,” he takes a step closer and gives me a massive hug. “Make sure you stay in touch okay. I don’t know what I’m going to do without you. But I’m so happy for you at the same time.”
“Thanks Tripp, you take care of yourself okay, I promise I will come visit you again soon.”
He nods and takes a step back.
Rory looks like he’s going to cry. He never cries. It hurts me seeing that I made him like this. He doesn’t cry though. Which is good. I think that if he started to cry, I would too, and I wouldn’t stop crying the whole way home. He takes a step forward and slaps his arm around my back. We embrace for a minute.
“I really wish that you didn’t have to go, I really do. But I know you have to go, go do your spiritual thing, go do whatever gay shit it is that you need to do, and if you want to come back after that, then fine.”
“I’m going to miss you so much Rory.”
We tear apart and I don’t drag the pain along anymore. I know what’s best from here on out. I start to walk down the street. Turning around only once to wave goodbye.
Then it really hits me. I’m leaving tomorrow. This is the end of an era. This is it. I’m about to dive head first into something completely new. I have no idea what in the hell I’m doing. I have no idea why the fuck I’m doing this. What possessed me to throw away everything I know? Why am I doing this to myself?
I freak out for a couple of minutes and then I remember you and how unhappy you’ve made me. I think about being away, at home, with mum, and I feel safe. I smile.
Sometimes the hardest things to do, and the right things to do, are one and the same.
28
At least the weather outside is consistent with the atmosphere inside tonight. You can’t expect any less from Ireland.
It doesn’t weigh me down too much, as I said. Knowing that I’m leaving tomorrow allows me to be full of optimism tonight. My heart is saddened to say goodbye to my friends. They have truly made me who I am and it’s taking me losing them to show me that. It hurts me that I have been so self involved for so long.
It is however, a privilege and a joy to return to my apartment one final time to wave goodbye to the old me and say hello to my new life.
I anticipate that things in the near future will be hard. It’s very intimidating. I’m not the best with spending time alone but I can do it. I know I can do it. I think that with so much blank space in front of me I will be able to recreate myself.
I have my iPhone in. I always do. I can’t imagine walking all the way home in this weather without it. John Legend’s All Of Me comes on and once again I am reminded of your face. I really really hate that stupid song. Why I have it on my iPhone, I have no idea.
I start crying. I hate that. I hate that music can do that to a person. It can turn their life into hell. Songs somehow have that irritating ability to dig up feelings that you think are buried forever.
I can’t stop crying. I think about how perfect you are and how much I long to be with you. But then I remind myself of all of the things you’ve done to me and I stop crying. We’re not meant to be together. I can’t sit here and wait around for you anymore. There’s something bigger and better for me out there, I know there is. One day, if I ever recover and learn how to feel this way about someone ever again I’ll make sure to never make the same mistakes again. I don’t know how you did this to me, but you’ve ruined me.
My phone lights up, it’s vibrating slowly. Because I’m off in my own world I don’t even care to check who it is. It’s probably Aaron, or mum, or Rory or Tripp. I don’t care. I’m having my own moment here. I click the top button without hesitation and continue through my playlist.
Ariana Grande’s ‘One Last Time’ is up next. Funny how my iPhone always knows the songs I need to hear. I wish I could just hold you one last time.
It’s not the most positive song in the entire world but it’s a lot more upbeat than the last. I feel a little more energetic.
The song ends and Mumford & Son’s ‘Reminder’ comes on. I decide that enough is enough of these songs. As I whip out my iPhone to change the song I see the name across the screen. The missed call.
I don’t really know how to feel. I’m so over you. That’s what I tell myself… but it couldn’t be further from the truth.
I’m never going to be over you. I couldn’t ignore you even if I wanted to. And believe me, I really want to.
I don’t call you back. I can’t handle a phone conversation right now. But now you’re definitely on my brain again. My heart feels like it’s full of floating little electric sparks that give me a sickening surge through my body every time they hit the edge of my heart.
Then you se
nd me a text message. I slide it open straight away. Mumford & Sons is still playing. I completely forgot that I was planning on changing the song.
“I need to see you again.”
“No.” I text back immediately. There’s no more beating around the bush. I consider typing something else, but I can see the little dots on the bottom of the message that tell me you’ve beaten me to it.
“Please… I’ve left Grace. I told her everything, I need you, right now, please.”
I would be the world’s biggest asshole right now if I didn’t at least hear you out. There’s two options here. Either you are lying out of your arsehole about telling Grace, or you have sincerely fucked your life up, the whole way.
“I’m leaving tomorrow Thomas.” I say bluntly.
“Gerry you didn’t even bother with giving me a proper goodbye.”
“What the hell do you want from me Thomas?”
“Will you at least give me ten minutes of your time to see you, I can fix this, I promise, we can runaway, we can do all of the things you want. Anything. Stay, go. Wait. Whatever! :-( You don’t have to go. It doesn’t have to be like this. I love you. I really really fucking love you Gerry”
None of what you’re saying is processing. My heart is so set on all of my new goals that I can’t even consider letting you change my mind. But as I said, I would be the world’s biggest arsehole to not even allow you the time of day. I refuse to stoop down to your level.
“I’ll be home in fifteen.” I say.
Part of me almost regrets saying that. I have one of those sick and twisted feelings in my stomach that most people would call intuition, telling me I’m making a massive mistake. Why did you have to go and do what you did… you fucked everything up.
I instantly regret replying to any of your messages. I feel my hands get heavy with the weight of power sitting in them right now.
I don’t hurry home. Part of me doesn’t even want to go. I consider throwing my phone right into the Liffey and camping out on the street. But I’ve made this choice and now I’m going to stick to it. I get home. It takes me twenty five minutes actually with all of my faffing around.
To Make Love With Your Eyes Closed Page 16