by AD Lawless
CHAPTER SEVEN
A week later, Ryan woke up to a small headache and a roiling stomach. He glanced over at the alarm clock on his nightstand and frowned when he saw it was only eleven a.m. Waking up before noon really wasn’t something he did on a Saturday. His momentary confusion gave way to annoyed understanding when someone knocked on his door, again, he assumed.
With a loud groan, he heaved himself out of bed and pulled on the first pair of lounge pants he found on the floor. Soft and grey, his favorite pair. He double checked he was still wearing a t-shirt, yep, and then took the few bleary steps needed to get to the door. Unlocked and wrenched it open with a grimace and a go the fuck away on the tip of his tongue that died quickly at the sight of floppy hair and dimples.
The fuck was Liam doing there? Ryan purposefully blinked, but nope, not his imagination. Six feet of tanned, casually dressed hot guy was still standing in his doorway. He mentally shook himself at that last descriptor, an unpleasant coil of guilt in his stomach.
He hadn’t thought of anyone in those terms since Chris, and he wasn’t even remotely prepared to go there. Probably never would be and wasn’t that just fucking pathetic. After a couple seconds of just staring blankly at Liam, he figured he ought to say something.
“Uh, hi?” Ryan said and Liam just smiled wider, blinding really. He definitely wasn’t awake enough to deal with that.
“Hey! So, I was bored this morning and I thought I’d come get you and make you do something fun with me.” Liam said brightly. “So, go get your ass dressed and then let’s go.”
“I- what?” Ryan asked, head tilted in confusion. Whatever he’d expected Liam to say that wasn’t it. His brain was having difficulty tracking the conversation.
“You, me, fun thing. Get a move on.” Liam said succinctly with a smirk.
Something in his eyes clued Ryan in. Liam was cutting him off at the pass. Trying to keep him from getting blackout drunk and needing a rescue. Ryan’s face clouded over and he shook his head, “No. I get it. What you’re trying to do, but I’m not a charity case. I’m fine. I’ll be fine. You don’t need to babysit me.”
“No offence dude, but no you're not. You need to get out of your own head. Doesn’t have to be a big deal, just let me help.” Liam said.
Ryan wanted to say no, wanted to take a step back and close the door, put a barrier between him and this boy who kept saving him, but Liam had these huge puppy dog eyes trained on him, and something in him just wanted so badly to say yes.
Split second of indecision gave way to acceptance, “Fine. Okay. I’ll come.”
If Liam’s first smile had been blinding, this one was like staring into the damn sun, dimples out in full force, “Great! Go get dressed. Dress warm.”
“Mmhm.” Ryan hummed as he stepped back inside.
He made quick work out of getting changed, splashed water on his face to wake himself up and brushed his teeth quickly, then headed back out.
“Alright,” He said to Liam, “I’ll go, but I need breakfast and coffee on the way.”
“You got it.” Liam said as his eyes sparkled with amusement.
After he swung through a drive-thru to grab Ryan’s required breakfast and coffee, Liam took them out of the city. About an hour drive, easy listening music combined with small talk that should’ve been awkward but wasn’t. Every time Ryan started to get lost in his own thoughts as he stared out the window, Liam pulled him back to the present with another question. Safe topics and things that weren’t that deep, but Ryan was weirdly grateful. It was nice to have a conversation that flowed so easily.
“So, you gonna tell me where we’re going?” Ryan finally asked when he couldn’t contain his curiosity any longer.
“Mmm, nope.” Liam said with a flash of a grin.
Ryan’s lips pursed in an unamused expression that made Liam chuckle before he caved, “Okay, fine. The beach.”
“The beach? In October?” Ryan’s eyebrow rose, “Really?”
Proudly, Liam’s grin grew a little more, “Yeah, really. It’ll be fun.”
“Sure, if by fun you mean cold.” Ryan replied.
“Dude, I’m not gonna make you swim, just relax. Have some trust.” Liam said cheerfully.
A few minutes later they pulled off into a small gravel parking lot next to a stretch of beach that looked deserted. Overgrown beach grass lined the edge of the parking lot and poked up between wooden slats that made a path through it. Tide was out and clear deep blue waves rolled and crashed along the sand in frothy splashes of white seafoam. Ryan glanced over at Liam, but he was already unbuckling his seatbelt and climbing out. Okay then, looked like this was happening. He was going to the beach in the middle of fall with a boy he barely knew.
Sounded fucking crazy when you put it that way, and truth be told Ryan felt kind of crazy right then. Because much as he thought he shouldn’t get attached to Liam, shouldn’t want to get attached, how little he deserved Liam’s attention.... He was already growing addicted to the way he didn’t feel hollow when Liam was around.
Wasn’t like he forgot about Chris, could never come close to that and wouldn't ever want to but he didn’t feel reminded of him every second. Maybe because Liam hadn’t known him, known them together. He didn’t have that careful look on his face like he was tiptoeing around the elephant in the room. He looked at Ryan like he was a whole person, not just the shattered remains of one.
It was probably unfair that he felt like that about people who loved and cared about him, but it didn’t change the fact that the striking difference when he was with Liam existed.
So Ryan got out of the car and followed Liam down the path, sank down onto his knees next to Liam and the bucket of sand toys he’d dragged along. Raised an eyebrow because what exactly did Liam think they were gonna do?
Turned out Liam wanted to build a sandcastle. A huge one. They spent a couple hours making it, each taking turns to fetch freezing ocean water for better building material and when it was done it was pretty damn impressive. Big towers and beach scavenged seashells, seaweed and driftwood for accents. A weird sense of accomplishment filled Ryan’s chest as the salty smell of the air and bright sunlight pervaded his senses.
They were both damp, covered in coarse wet sand. Windblown hair and red cheeks, fingers pruny and cold, but it was the first time in over a year where Ryan had just had fun. Uncomplicated and undiluted fun. And maybe a part of him felt guilty for that, but he could deal with that later when he was alone. For now he focused on Liam’s brilliant smile and the warmth that was slowly stealing through his body despite the chill temperature.
After that, Liam picking Ryan up early on Saturday to do something fun started to become routine. Each weekend he showed up with somewhere new to take Ryan and he let himself be pulled into Liam’s orbit because fighting it didn’t seem to work. Deep down he wondered if he really wanted to fight it at all.
But there was also creeping guilt and crippling self-hatred that underscored every gain Ryan seemed to make. He didn’t want to heal, didn’t have the right to. Regardless of what Liam’d said, it was his fault that Chris was gone. Nothing anyone said was ever gonna dissuade him of that notion. Saturdays with Liam, as weeks crept into months, were the only bright spots in Ryan’s life. Saturdays he got to pretend to be normal for a little bit, even if he fell apart twice as hard on Sundays.
One particularly chill and drizzling Saturday morning when Liam came by to drag him from the dorms, Ryan finally asked the question that’d been festering just beneath the surface, in the back of his thoughts from that very first moment he’d met him, “Liam, why are you doing this?”
Carelessly, Liam’s shoulder hitched up in a half-shrug, a lopsided smile on his face when he answered, “Because someone needs to. Might as well be me.”
And each week someone needs to sounded less like you need help and more like I love you. Even if Ryan wasn’t ready to hear that yet, for some reason it offered a comfort he wasn’t sure he was worthy of re
ceiving.
CHAPTER EIGHT
The chirp of his cellphone’s text alert woke Ryan relatively early the next morning. He smooshed his face into his pillow and considered ignoring it. Two early weekend mornings in a row seemed like too much to bear, but then worries started to creep in. What if it was important? Could be an emergency… But then they’d call right? Wouldn’t they? Whoever they were? Fuck. His heart was pounding in his chest and he knew there was no way he’d be able to fall back asleep anyway at that point, so he flung his hand out and flipped open his phone.
One text from Josh; Get your fatass out of bed. I’m coming up to get you whether you like it or not. Not taking no for an answer and I Will pound your door down if you don’t answer this time.
With a smirk and an annoyed roll of his eyes Ryan texted back; Okay, one, I’m Not fat. I’m Lazy. Two, what’s up?
Before a reply could even come in there was a steady knock on his door. Oh come fucking on. Ryan grunted and slipped out of bed. Pulled on the sweatpants and t-shirt he’d dropped on the floor last night. He scrubbed a hand through his hair as he stumbled over to open the door. Thank fuck he’d been too exhausted to drink much last night by the time Liam’d dropped him off because no way could he ‘ve handled Josh’s smug grin with a raging hangover right then.
“Ugh. What?” Ryan grumbled at him.
“Wow, Ry.That really any way to greet the guy holding your caffeine fix?” Josh said as he held up a white paper cup that made Ryan’s mouth salivate a little more than was probably healthy. “Made it just the way you like too.”
So Josh was a good friend. And Ryan was a bit harsh.
“Good morning. Coffee please?” Ryan said much more politely with a little smirk.
Felt good to banter with Josh, like a part of him had missed it this whole time even though he’d been participating like usual in their conversations. It was like he hadn’t really been present for them though and maybe it was weird that he suddenly did feel present, but he was just glad he did. The way Josh’s eyes lit up said he noticed it too.
“Better.” Josh said by way of agreement as he handed the coffee off to Ryan. “Go put shoes on. I’m starving and after we eat we’re crashing in my room for the day. I picked up Halo 2 and I’m gonna kick your ass.”
They went down and grabbed breakfast in the cafeteria once Ryan had gotten his shoes on. Chatted about their classes and the girl Josh was sort of seeing. Sort of in that neither Josh or Vivian wanted to admit they were in a relationship because they weren’t ready to settle down. That fact withstanding, they’d been sleeping together since the beginning of the semester and according to Josh things’d gotten pretty domestic too. But still, not a relationship.
Totally casual even though she had a dedicated drawer in his dresser and a toiletry bag in his closet. That was just practical after all.
Ryan thought it was cute and there was a flash of bittersweet longing about how he and Chris would’ve had stuff in each other’s rooms too. Or maybe by now they’d have moved into an apartment together. The ever-present ache in his chest threatened to grow exponentially, but he wasn’t ready to go back to the perpetual state of numbness that’d hallmarked the last year and a half, so he pushed back against it, forced himself to focus on Josh as they headed back up to Josh’s room.
He honestly hadn’t thought he’d ever feel okay again and he was probably only putting off an inevitable crash and burn but actually feeling things that weren’t guilt and pain or nothingness might be worth the trade off when it all fell down.
“So,” Josh said after he’d thoroughly beaten Ryan in multiple split-screen rounds during which Ryan’s lack of recent video game practice became abundantly clear. “As your best friend, I feel obligated to ask you something… but, you’re all-” Josh flapped a hand at him, “And I don’t wanna fuck it up.”
Nervously, Ryan’s stomach clenched. He hated that Josh felt like he had to walk around on eggshells. Best friends weren’t supposed to have to do that with each other.
“S’okay, just ask.” Ryan said more confidently than he felt and Josh smiled before he turned serious.
“The last couple months you’ve seemed… I dunno… Happier? More like you anyway and I just, I’m glad and all, I missed you like fuck, so don’t take this the wrong way: What’s going on?” Josh asked with guarded curiosity.
Oh, that. For a second Ryan thought about playing it off like nothing. Like he had no idea what Josh was talking about but that wasn’t fair. Josh’d been there this whole time trying to help, trying to drag Ryan kicking and screaming back from the edge of losing it and Ryan hadn’t thanked him once. Hadn’t made it easy on him at all. Lying to Josh right then would’ve been a douche move.
Didn’t mean Ryan really knew what to say either. Though he did know at least partially what’d kick started things for him, “Um. There’s this guy…”
“Woah, what?” Josh said wide-eyed, “Since when?”
“No, not like that.” Ryan replied, hands up in a placating gesture. “Liam’s just a friend. I met him a couple months ago and he’s been helping, I guess. Made me realize how much I missed being normal? I dunno.”
A little flash of hurt flickered through Josh’s midnight blue eyes, there and gone and Ryan felt like a dick. Of course Josh’d think he did something wrong if some stranger could get Ryan out of his shell but he hadn’t managed to.
“It wasn’t- Josh, there wasn’t anything you could’ve done different.” Ryan told him, shrugged his shoulder and said, “Sorry I’ve been shitty. And I might still be shitty sometimes. Or a lot of the time, but I don’t wanna be anymore. I miss him so much and I still don’t know how to do all this without him but I can’t keep going the way I was. I guess, just… thanks for sticking it out.”
Seconds ticked uncomfortably by where Josh scrutinized his expression for something. Whatever it was he must’ve found it because his lips quirked up in a little smile, “Well thank fuck. Only been waiting forever for you to figure that out. Pretending to live ain’t the same thing as actually doing it, Ry. Anyway, what d’you say we pack up the pity party and try to get you up to speed here.” He nodded toward the T.V for emphasis, “And I wanna meet this Liam guy. If I’m gonna have some competition for the slot of best friend, I’d like to at least get to size him up.”
“Aww, don’t worry Josh, you’ll always be my best girl.”
“Shut up and get ready to lose.”
“I dunno, I’m a fast learner. Bet by this afternoon I’ll be the one kicking your ass.”
“Bring it dickhead.”
Despite his best efforts, Ryan didn’t manage to wipe the floor with Josh, but he did get to the point where he was at least holding his own. Few more sessions and they’d be pretty evenly matched he figured. It was great to just be relaxed around Josh. Not to feel like he was hiding some part of himself away. He really was honestly lucky to have someone like Josh in his life because by his estimation most people would’ve walked out on him a long time ago. That just wouldn’t be Josh though. He was the kind of guy who was loyal to a fault, who never gave up on you. Thank fuck.
The next weekend when Liam showed up to pick him up, Josh was up in his room too. He was cross legged on Ryan’s bed as he happily crunched his way through a bag of chips while Ryan sat at his desk and glared at him. Grumbled about how Josh was getting crumbs in his bed right before the sharp rap of knuckles on his door rang out. A shot of nervousness flashed in his stomach and he told himself it would be fine. Probably. Hopefully.
“Be nice.” Ryan reminded him, then opened the door.
“Hey!” Liam said happily, cheeks and nose red from the early December cold. His smile faltered a little as his gaze flicked to Josh, a tiny furrow of confusion between his brows. “Oh. You have company.”
“Nah, Josh doesn’t count as company. He’s like the brother I never wanted but continually meddles in my life anyway.”
“Out of love!” Josh called out as he stood up, smirk on hi
s face while he eyed Liam. “So, you’re the guy gunning for the title of Ryan’s best friend, huh?”
“What happened to being nice?” Ryan complained as he stepped back to let Liam in.
Liam just grinned, “People can have more than one best friend, dude. I’m Liam, good to meet you.” He held out his hand to shake and after a moment spent cataloguing him, Josh reached out and shook it.
“You too. I’ve heard very little about you, all of it bad.” Josh said mock-seriously. “Kidnapping young boys who’ve been drugged and taking them to hospitals. How dare you? It’s monstrous.”
Liam chuckled, “Did he mention the part where I princess-style carried him unconscious through the parking lot?”
Josh’s cackle of glee said no. “I’m a terrible human because I kinda wish there were pictures to mock him with.”
Half-smirk on his face, Ryan rolled his eyes, “Whatever. Did you have specific plans for today? If not Josh wants us to hang out with him. Apparently he needs longer to embarrass me and make me regret agreeing to introduce you two.”
The honest truth was that Ryan was relieved that Josh and Liam already seemed to get along. He wouldn’t admit it, but he’d definitely been worried about them meeting. Josh could sometimes be a bit much to handle and Ryan really did love him like a brother. Which kinda meant that it was important to him that Liam liked Josh and vice versa.
“Nope. I mean, technically yes, I did have something planned but it wasn’t anything we can’t do some other time.” Liam grinned wide, “Besides, like I’m gonna pass up embarrassing stories.”
Josh’s smile echoed Liam’s with just a hint of devious intent, “And I have so many to tell.”
Ryan’s eyes narrowed at Josh, “Just remember I have dirt on you too, dick.”