Breathe Out Slow

by AD Lawless

  Started off slow, and built up fast until Ryan clung to Liam, pressed as close as they could get, hands in Liam’s thick brown hair and God, they felt like they belonged there. Liam’s hands rested on Ryan’s hips, gripped them like he couldn’t decide whether to pull Ryan closer or push him back. So hot, and he wasn't even remotely ready to stop, Ryan kissed him harder; desperate and pleading and so good that he ached with it. Nothing he wanted right then except for this not to end. He didn’t wanna think about tomorrow or what would happen next, just wanted to stay right there, wrapped up in Liam. In the taste and feel of him, in the swirl of intense affection, want and just right that he felt for him.

  Too soon, Liam pulled away, rested his forehead against Ryan’s, eyes still shut and voice thick as he said, “Ryan.”

  Not prepared to lose this, Ryan shook his head softly and pushed back up for another kiss, just as perfect as the first. Mumbled “Need you,” into Liam’s mouth.

  It was so cold out, but Liam was warm against him, strong arms wrapped around him and heat built up in Ryan’s stomach, familiar and new at the same time. They couldn’t stay out there in the park kissing all night, but Ryan didn’t want to let go. Couldn’t face being left alone with his thoughts and the weight of this, so he did the only thing he could think of.

  “Come home with me. I’m going home tomorrow for Christmas and I-” Ryan said against Liam’s lips. “We don’t have to do anything. I just…”

  Hesitantly, Liam whispered, “Yeah- Okay.”

  The walk and the drive back to Ryan’s dorm was slightly tense, neither of them really knew what to expect or what was appropriate. What missteps to avoid or how much would be too much. Surprisingly when Ryan closed and locked the door to his room behind them, everything seemed so easy. Liam smiled nervously, one dimple peeked out, and he glanced at the bed, then back to Ryan. Waited to take his cue from him.

  “Take off your boots.” Ryan suggested, and Liam followed his directions while Ryan got his own off.

  “Should we…” Liam started then stopped, didn’t want to press his luck, but felt like he needed to say something. “Should we talk about this?”

  Unsure of himself, of what he wanted or needed beyond the desire to be close to Liam for as long as he could, Ryan bit his lip before he answered, “Not, um. Not yet. Please?”

  Liam nodded, decided to let it go. For now anyway. He could wait while Ryan figured himself out, and until then, he could be there for him, just the same as he had been from the start. He still barely believed that Ryan had actually kissed him. That the probably pointless torch he’d started to carry for Ryan might not be quite as irrelevant as he’d thought.

  They ended up spooned together on Ryan’s twin size dorm room bed, and there was barely enough room for them to fit, but Ryan didn’t mind because he was warm, and comfortable and he felt like he might actually be okay, somehow. Like being wrapped up in Liam was calming him down, was letting him breathe again. Surrounded with Liam’s clean scent, head pillowed on Liam’s arm and Liam pressed close against his back, he was able to keep himself from focusing on any of the negative feelings he could feel pressed up against the edges of his awareness.

  It couldn’t last, Ryan understood that sooner or later all the things he’d avoided thinking about would catch up, but at that moment as they quietly talked about anything and everything they could think of except for what was happening between them, Ryan didn’t care.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  It would’ve been a massive understatement to say that Ryan’s mom was excited for him to be home. Josh’d dropped him off at his place just after noon and Ryan already missed Liam. Already felt a little trapped in the house he’d grown up in. He was still better off than he had been the last time he’d visited though and when his mom had squeezed the life out of him with a hug someone her size shouldn’t possibly have the strength to give, it’d felt nice instead of like overkill.

  “Mom, need to breathe.” Ryan gasped.

  His dad clapped him on the shoulder and smiled his welcome, “Let the boy have some space, Lynn. Good to have you home.”

  On the bottom stair in the entryway was his little sister Emma, a cautious look on her face and a smile that looked painted on wrong. Taller than he remembered her being, but at sixteen he’d had a pretty big growth spurt too, so maybe it ran in the family. She hugged him awkwardly when he leaned up and Ryan wondered what was wrong with her.

  They sat down for a late lunch and made stilted conversation about what Ryan was up to at school. Ryan tried to redirect the topic to Emma, ask about her life but her answers were brief, vague. It was like she didn’t know how to talk to him, was walking on eggshells. Didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why. He’d been kind of a dick to her when he’d been home, mostly ignored her. Too wrapped up in himself to have taken much interest and it bothered him how little he actually knew about his own sister.

  Her green eyes, exactly the same as his, were a testament to the fact they were siblings, but he hadn’t been a real part of her life in too long. Maybe it was time to fix that. Make more of an effort with her.

  “Hey, Em?” Ryan asked. “I was thinking about hitting the mall. Wanna come shopping with me? I’ve been a total slacker and I haven’t bought, like, anything yet. We could even pop by Cinnabon while we’re there.”

  “Really?” Her eyes lit up, and Ryan felt like a good big brother for the first time in way too long.

  He pretended not to notice the way his mom’s eyes were a little glossy when he answered, “Yeah. Could use some advice on what to get.”

  “Okay! Just- If we’re going to the mall I have to change and put on some makeup. Gimme like twenty minutes.”

  “Sure.” Ryan said with a smile, though honestly, she looked totally fine and she was already wearing makeup, so what the hell? “You don’t mind if we take the car, do you?”

  “Of course, not.” His mom said, then cleared her throat. “You know you can use it whenever.”

  “Thanks.”

  At the mall, the lot was packed and all of the people who were wandering around made Ryan a bit anxious but he managed to get through his Christmas shopping without much fuss. Found a gift for his parents with input from Emma and then sent her ahead to Cinnabon when he spotted something for her. Briefly, he debated buying something for Liam, but were they really there yet? They hadn’t even talked about what’d happened last night and even if they had, it was still so new. In the end he decided to pick him up a card. Even that was hard; did he go funny? Heartfelt? Who the fuck knew? He settled on a funny, borderline sweet one. Figured he could add in a nice handwritten note after he thought about what he wanted to say.

  Once he'd paid, he met back up with Emma. She was seated at one of the little tables, two massive cinnamon buns with gobs of delicious icing melted all over them and two coffees in front of her. Big and sunny, she smiled when she caught sight of him and he returned it with his own smile.

  “I would’ve paid.” Ryan said as he sat down across from her.

  “Shut up,” Emma replied with a little chuckle. “It’s not like it was all that much.”

  “Whatever squirt. Next one’s on me.”

  “Aww, what’s wrong? Did I bruise your big masculine ego by not letting you pay?” She teased.

  “Maybe.” Ryan said, nose wrinkled up a little at the thought. “Nah, my masculinity isn't that fragile. I can handle my baby sister buying my food.”

  “So, eat.” Emma said as she pushed one of the plates and a coffee toward him.

  After that things were comfortably quiet while they ate. Cinnamon and sticky sweet icing required their full appreciation. At least for a few uninterrupted bites anyway. Then Emma pursed her lips nervously, like she wanted to ask something but wasn’t sure if she should.

  “What’s up?” Ryan asked as he sipped at his coffee, slightly bitter in comparison to the sugar overload he’d been shoveling down.

  “I just… You seem, happier than you’ve
been in a long time. It’s nice. And I was just wondering… what changed?” She asked curiously.

  Of course she’d picked up on it. When exactly had the little girl with scraped up knees and wild blonde curls turned into a smart, intuitive young woman? Maybe she’d always been that way and he just hadn’t noticed.

  This was a crossroads, Ryan knew. He could deflect her question, lie. There was a whole host of options he could take to keep from telling the truth, but, with sudden clarity, he realized he wanted to confide in her. Wanted to rebuild the relationship he’d let fizzle out between them. This was an opportunity to show her he trusted her, so he took a slow breath in through his nose and then gave her a small smile.

  “Honestly… A lot’s changed. But, uh, most of it has to do with this guy I met.” He said softly.

  Emma grinned, so happy, like she thought she finally had her brother back, and Ryan wondered if she might be right.

  “A guy, huh?” She said in what Ryan was sure was supposed to be a casual tone that fell well short. “Got a name?”

  “Liam.” Ryan said, a little flare of guilt tickled his conscience that he was admitting out loud the fact that he was interested in Liam. Really interested. “We’ve been friends for a while. He… I dunno, helped me feel a bit more human again. I think I really like him.”

  “You think?”

  “It’s new.” Ryan justified. “The more than friends part.”

  “How new?”

  “Last night, new.”

  She peered speculatively at him, “Woah. Did you… you know?”

  “No! Jeez. We kissed.” He hastily clarified, cheeks heated with embarrassment.

  “Aw. That’s so cute! Tell me everything. What does he look like? What does he do? How old is he? Does he have a younger hotter brother?” Emma rapidly quizzed.

  “Ugh. No. Just an older brother, who’s married and has a kid. He’s a year older than me. A student. Ridiculously good looking. Seriously unfair levels of good looking.” Ryan listed back just as fast.

  “Dude. Be more specific. Height, eye color, hair color, pale, tan, muscular. I need details here.” Emma said enthusiastically and Ryan laughed while he rolled his eyes at her.

  “Taller than me, hazel eyes, shaggy brown hair, tan, he’s in good shape but not like, massively muscular.” Ryan answered.

  “Are you sure he’s real? He sounds like a fake boyfriend.” Emma said with a smirk.

  Eyes narrowed with mock-offense, Ryan said, “A, he’s not my boyfriend and B, is too real.”

  They talked for a bit longer about Ryan and Liam, then Emma told him about the boy she had a crush on at school. Progress was made on repairing things between them, Ryan thought and they chatted as they finished up their cinnamon buns and drinks.

  Eventually they headed out to the car, and just before Ryan had popped the trunk, Emma handed him her bags.

  “Here, take these. I just gotta run back and grab something for Leah.” She told him in a rush. “Can’t believe I forgot to grab her a friendship bracelet. It’s like, tradition.”

  So Ryan put everything into the trunk of his parent’s car while Emma jogged back into the mall. Then he leaned up against the closed trunk and settled in to wait for her, just breathed in the icy winter air, and tried to focus on letting his anxiety and guilt go. It partially worked; the anxiety he felt slowly leaked out of him, but the guilt was harder. It was rooted deeper. His eyes were shut and his head tilted back, the sun peeked out from behind heavy grey clouds and lit up the inside of his eyelids red.

  Sharp heels stomping toward him shattered the momentary peace he’d been attempting to achieve and startled his eyes open. And all of a sudden it was like a year and a half hadn’t gone by at all, he was standing back in the doorway of that bathroom. Was watching Chris pull away from Allie with that gut wrenching look on his face. Shocked all over again at how vivid the flashback was and then shocked yet again when Allie got up in his space.

  “Where the hell do you get off showing your face around here?” Allie demanded, eyes angry and wet.

  Confused, indignant, Ryan spluttered, “Excuse me?”

  “We all know it’s your fault Chris died! He was in love with me but you couldn’t stand that he was gonna leave you, could you?” She exploded.

  “I- What?” Ryan's brain struggled to understand what the hell was going on, because he had no damn idea what she was talking about.

  “Chris and I saw each other for months. He just used you to experiment. Realized he wasn’t that gay and he loved me.” Allie disdainfully said, voice all raw anger.

  Surprise slammed into Ryan, and his heart dropped into his stomach. What she was saying couldn’t possibly be true. Sure, he’d seen them kiss but the idea that Chris could’ve hurt him like that was wrong. Long before they’d started their relationship, Chris was Ryan’s best friend. He just… he wouldn’t.

  Except… He had hurt Ryan.

  “Nothing to say huh?” Allie said, “That’s just like you. I told Chris how manipulative you were. We were going to spend the night together after the party but he thought it’d be unfair to me if we did it while you two were still together.” She said with a disgusted glare and Ryan shook his head, could feel his hands trembling against his sides. “I wanted him to break up with you over the phone but he knew how unstable you were. Didn’t want you to do something stupid like kill yourself. Chris was always too good for you.”

  “No. Chris wouldn’t-”

  “God, you’re so delusional.” Allie spat angrily, “He tried to tell you when he chased after you that night but you cut him off and left. All you had to do was stay there for five more fucking minutes and he’d still be alive. He wanted me but you just couldn’t let him be happy could you? You knew he’d never leave things like that-”

  Ryan’s eyes watered and his face burned but he didn’t know what to say. His heart pounded with every frantic beat and he didn’t want to believe her, but what reason would Allie have to lie about it, now? About any of it? Chris was gone, there was nothing to gain. And how else would she have known about the fight they’d had? No one else had been out by the cars. His chest squeezed tight, and not enough air was getting to his lungs. Bad enough that Chris had cheated on him, but the idea that he was just stringing Ryan along? That hurt so much worse. Made it all so much worse.

  Emma’s angry voice cut Allie’s tirade off, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

  Disbelieving, Allie’s eyes narrowed further as Emma stepped between her and Ryan, forced her to back up and Emma might’ve been smaller than him, but her body language made her look bigger; stronger and furious.

  “I don’t know who the fuck you think you are,” Emma continued, “But you need to back off. Right now before I really lose my shit and this gets physical. ‘Cause gotta tell you, I’m itchin’ to give you a black eye or two right now.”

  Allie scoffed, but she looked cowed. Her eyes flicked between Emma and Ryan a couple of times like she was weighing whether or not it would be worth it to have to fight her until she finally glared at Ryan and turned away.

  “That’s fucking right, bitch.” Emma grumbled as she stared after Allie. Then as if it took every last ounce of her willpower not to go kick her ass, Emma faced Ryan and looked up into his stunned eyes. “Ry?”

  Just looking at the sympathy in her eyes hurt so Ryan dropped his gaze. Shook his head gently because he couldn’t say anything right then if he wanted to. His throat was swollen shut and scratchy with tears that he held back by the skin of his teeth, chest a hollow, broken cavern that ached.

  “You can’t- She’s lying.” Emma said firmly, one hand on Ryan’s arm, fingers tight like she could make him believe her words if she just held on tight enough. “Chris would never have done that to you. I don’t know what-”

  “I-I can’t.” Ryan managed to whisper. “I can’t talk about this right now.”

  Emma sighed, but she let his arm go with one last squeeze, “Okay.”

&
nbsp; The whole drive home Ryan’s thoughts raced. Round and round, what he knew, what he didn’t. Memories that tried to fit themselves into a new narrative and he didn’t know if he was forcing square pegs into round holes, or if he’d just fooled himself into thinking the holes were round in the first place. So angry and hurt and there was no outlet because the one person, the only person who could make it better was gone.

  Just barely, Ryan managed to hold himself together until he dropped Emma off at home, but the change in his mood was palpable. He hardly even said goodbye to her when she got out and he couldn’t make himself care. Too caught up in his own fears, self-reproach and misplaced responsibility. As soon as he watched Emma walk through the front door he headed straight for a shitty dive bar he knew he’d have no trouble getting into.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  At a booth in the back, he was secluded enough that no one bothered him while he drank. He made himself ignore the pity in his waitress’s eyes every time she topped him up and for the first four drinks he was running purely on instinct. Don’t think, don’t think. Swallow, let the alcohol warm up the parts of him that felt frozen over only it didn’t. All it did was drag him down, and thoughts just kept coming.

  Chris smiled at him, bright and sunshine happy. His eyes glittered with the sunlight reflected off of the lake. No. Don’t.

  Fucking Lizard. Stop.

  Another tumbler of Jack, and another after that but it didn’t stop. Faster and faster memories he wanted to put his faith in, wanted to believe were real flashed through his mind.

  You sure about this? We don’t have to.

  Had to be real. What if it wasn’t? God, what if Chris never loved him?

  Love you too.

  Was the look in his eyes when he’d said it a lie? Always a lie? Or did he stop loving him at some point? Maybe Ryan’d done something to make him stop. Allie was wrong about him though; he wasn’t manipulative. He hadn’t known Chris was going to try and follow him home that night. Hadn’t thought beyond getting away and going home and if he had-