by AD Lawless
Relief and joy exploded in Ryan’s chest, a dizzying rush of happiness he couldn’t ‘ve tamped down on even if he’d wanted to. He surged up against Liam, and kissed him deeper, passionately and with everything he felt.
Just as emphatically, Liam kissed him back, slid their tongues together. Wanted nothing more than to hold on to him, get closer. Only the hallway probably wasn't the best place to do that, so he reluctantly pulled back and said, “Let's go inside.”
“Yeah.” Ryan breathed, moved out of the way and let Liam get the door unlocked.
Reassuringly, once they were through the door and had gotten their boots off, Liam reached down, took Ryan's hand and led him inside. Behind him, Ryan bit his lip on a smile as Liam brought him into the living room and paused. Turned to face him and held eye-contact for a long moment, like he was trying to decide what was meant to happen next. Curiosity over where Liam’d been at four in the morning finally won out over Ryan’s impulse to wait and see what Liam wanted to ask him.
“When's the last time you ate?” Liam asked at the same time Ryan said, “Where were you?”
They both smiled slightly awkwardly, and then Liam answered first, “Couldn't sleep. I came home for a few hours, showered, and then I just needed to go for a walk. Must've lost track of the time. So, you hungry?”
In the back of his mind, there was definitely a bit of hunger, he hadn’t eaten in hours after all, but the need to show Liam just how much he wanted him, how much he wanted them overwhelmed it, so he shook his head, “I’m good. Just want you. Well, you and me and a bed, preferably naked. But kinda boils down to you.”
A slow-burning smile spread warm over Liam’s lips and Ryan wanted nothing so much as he wanted to taste it. Followed as Liam walked backwards toward his room. In front of his bed, Liam stopped, and watched Ryan’s face closely, “You sure about this? We don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for.”
Indulgently, Ryan smiled, “So sure. Trust me.”
Liam’s hand settled on the side of Ryan’s neck, warm, solid, “Always.”
Ryan smirked for a quick second and then reached for the hem of Liam’s t-shirt, tugged it upwards and Liam took the hint. He ducked down and let Ryan peel it off him, got Ryan’s off too, the second he was free of his own. Everything felt hot and intense, like all of the feelings inside of Ryan were on overdrive. Liam’s eyes on him were hot, wanting and Ryan knew his own were just as dark. He wanted Liam so damn badly it was almost a low-level ache all through him.
“God, you’re gorgeous.” Liam breathed as he pulled Ryan closer by his belt-loops. Caught him in a kiss that was slow and sexy. Curled heat and desire in Ryan’s gut, made him gasp into it as Liam rocked gently against him.
Reflexively, Ryan’s hands slipped into Liam’s hair as Liam hesitantly reached for the button on Ryan’s jeans. Against his lips, Ryan smiled and got his own hand down there, popped the button himself and unzipped his jeans. Liam’s responding groan was low and hot, sent a shudder of anticipation through Ryan that made him rock into Liam’s hand. Obligingly, Liam slid his hand inside Ryan’s jeans, roughly palmed him through his underwear.
Felt so good that Ryan couldn’t help the little noises that leaked past his lips, hard and frantic already, he quietly moaned, “Need you.”
“Yeah. Yeah, okay.” Liam whispered back, shoved at Ryan’s jeans, got them both down to their underwear and then turned them, guided Ryan back onto the bed.
The mattress and blanket were firm, soft and cool beneath his back, his skin overheated. There was a flash of nervousness there and gone when Liam’s weight settled comfortingly over top of him. And then Liam’s lips were on his again, soft and slick as Liam kissed him like he was the most important thing in the world; all focused and intent on discovering every little spot that made Ryan arch up against him. And God, he was good at it.
Each downward press of his hips dragged Liam's hard cock against his, friction that sent spikes of pleasure rushing through his blood. Liam's hand slid down between them and the tips of his fingers skimmed along the waistband of Ryan's underwear, but he didn't dip them beneath. Careful even now, in the middle of everything and Ryan's heart thudded loud in his chest, fast and sure, and so warm in the knowledge that Liam was it for him.
He broke his mouth just far enough away from Liam's to say, “Want you. And me. Naked. Remember?”
Liam's hips stuttered against Ryan's, so hot, “Yeah, I remember. Just wanted to double check.”
“Mmm. Well, consider everything checked.” Ryan said with a smirk.
Confident now that everything had fallen into place for him, Ryan didn’t wanna waste time, but he didn’t feel the need to rush now either. He was able to fully appreciate the way Liam felt over top of him, the urgency that was building between them.
Turned on, and so ready for this, Liam shifted up and peeled Ryan’s boxer-briefs off, then made quick work of his own. He knelt up and took a long moment to just stare unabashed at Ryan; lean and winter-pale, flushed with desire, eyes hot on Liam’s, he was sexy and everything Liam wanted. Still barely believed he was getting to do this, that Ryan wanted this and every last bit of Liam was screaming at him to make this good for him, make it perfect.
“How do you wanna do this?” Liam asked, voice so hot that Ryan shivered with it.
A touch self-consciously, Ryan bit his lip; he wasn’t used to talking about what he wanted. More than that, he didn’t really know what he wanted either. Everything seemed too dorky to say out loud, plus it was vague, but it pretty much summed up what he was feeling, what he wanted. At his silent contemplation Liam slid his hands up Ryan’s thighs, over his hips and chest until he was braced over Ryan again, hands on either side of Ryan’s head and well within kissing distance.
Ryan tilted his chin up, sought out Liam’s mouth but Liam didn’t let him. “Un-unh.” He breathed. “Not until you tell me what you want. I need words.”
Torn between frustrated and turned the fuck on, Ryan let out a sigh and licked his lips, “I-” an array of options flashed behind his eyes and he picked one at random. “Can I fuck you?”
Wickedly, Liam grinned, those innocent dimples at such odds with the way he smiled all full of promise. “Yeah, Ryan. You can definitely fuck me.”
Darker, Ryan’s cheeks heated up even more, but a stab of want hit him low in his belly at Liam’s words and fuck, yeah, he really wanted that. “Fuck.”
Liam rolled onto his side enough to reach over into the night stand, grabbed a condom and a bottle of lube and Ryan swallowed thickly. He wanted this, definitely wanted this, but he’d still never even come close to doing this with anyone but Chris and it was the same and different and it’d been so damn long. He worried about screwing it up, or blowing his load too early or a zillion other things that could go wrong, but then Liam was kissing him again, sweet and easy and Ryan let himself get swept up in the moment.
He reached for the lube, flicked the cap open with his thumb and drizzled a generous amount of it into his palm. Clicked the lid back on and dropped the bottle next to his hip. He slicked his fingers up and then slowly took his time working them inside Liam as they kissed with growing insistence. God, Liam was hot and tight around his fingers, and Ryan’s body ached with the need to be inside him.
“Okay, okay, God.” Liam groaned, wrecked and sexy, “Want you to fuck me.”
“Yeah?” Ryan breathed, sweat prickled at his temples and above his lip, glistened all over both of them, and he felt almost dizzy with a heady combination of lust and love that was intoxicating. That he’d missed so much more than he’d realized. “Want me inside you?”
“Yes, God, yeah.” Liam said heatedly, eyes shut tight as he rocked back onto Ryan’s fingers. Lost in sensation, and chasing the lightning bolts of pleasure that lit him up every time Ryan hit just the right spot.
“God, me too, Liam.”
And then Ryan carefully withdrew his fingers, took just enough time to fumble the condom wrapper open, rolled
it on and slicked himself up with more lube before he lined himself up and pulled Liam achingly slowly down onto his cock. A single long hot slide until Liam’s ass was flush with his hips and he was buried deep in him.
“Oh fuck.” Ryan panted, had to hold Liam still with a hard grip on his hips for a minute so he didn’t lose it right then and there because fuck, Liam was tight and hot and slick and there was just nothing else like this. Nothing like the way his heart jack-hammered in his chest and his emotions swelled at the intimacy of being inside Liam’s body, being that close to him.
“Love you,” Liam said, voice strained and shaky, eyes locked on Ryan’s.
Before Ryan got out a word, Liam lifted himself up and dropped back down, wet and snug around him. “God, ah. Love you so much.”
“Yeah.” Liam agreed, leaned forward as he rode Ryan hard and kissed him messy.
Ryan dug his heels into the bed for leverage, pushed up into every thrust down Liam made. One hand on Liam’s hip pulled him into a faster pace while his other hand wrapped around Liam’s hard leaking dick, jerked him roughly off and the choked, needy noise Liam made against his lips was like fire in Ryan’s blood. Pushed him closer fast, and he knew he wasn’t gonna last much longer. So close.
Heat gathered in Ryan’s gut, coiled and tight as he fucked up into Liam, “So hot, Liam. Feel so good.”
“Mmm.” Liam hummed as he slammed himself down harder onto Ryan, like he needed to come right that second, needed just a little more to get him there. “So good. Fuck, Ryan.”
Liam’s body tightened up, his hips twitched and Ryan just knew he was close, rocked up into him as hard as he could and tightened his grip a little and then a surprised little gasp worked it’s way out of Liam’s throat and he came. Hot wet splashes that streaked Ryan’s stomach and chest sticky white. Filthy hot and combined with the way Liam’s body tightened around him, Ryan’s own orgasm built up fast.
The tight squeeze of Liam around him as he came back to himself enough and slammed down onto Ryan felt so good, so perfect that it pushed him right over the edge. One last push in deep and Ryan ground himself into Liam, came hard into the condom and brokenly moaned Liam’s name. Intense pleasure swept through him in hard pulses and he jerked with each shock of it until it finally ebbed and he floated for a few moments, Liam a heavy weight on top of him as they caught their breath.
“Fuck,” Liam sighed, voice the essence of satisfied, and Ryan echoed him in agreement.
With a wince, Liam lifted himself up off of Ryan, and then rolled over to grab a shirt from the floor. Perfunctorily wiped Ryan’s stomach and chest off as Ryan dealt with the condom and tossed it into the trashcan next to the bed. Quickly cleaned himself off too, and then collapsed against Ryan’s side, head pillowed on Ryan’s chest, arm across his stomach.
Ryan bit back a grin as he wrapped his arms around Liam too, held him close and tucked safe into him. For a few moments they were quiet as they both gathered themselves and brain function slowly kicked back in, and then tentatively, Liam lifted his head and looked up at Ryan.
“That was okay right?” He asked quietly, almost like he was afraid of the answer and Ryan’s hand found it’s way into Liam’s sweat damp hair, guided him back down the way he was.
“Better than okay.” Ryan said sleepily. “So much better.”
“Yeah?”
“Mmhmm.” Ryan said, eyes closed and already drifting. A good orgasm always wore him out, and it probably wasn’t possible to come much harder than that. “Sleep now?”
Liam chuckled warmly, “Yeah, okay. Gotta get under the blankets though or we’re gonna wake up freezing.”
Ryan grumbled, but complied, managed to get himself up enough for Liam to pull the blankets out from under them, and then pull them back up overtop of them. He was pretty grateful though, when they settled with Liam wrapped around him, the blankets warm and soft over them. Worn out from a rollercoaster of emotions, and physical exertion it didn’t take long at all for Ryan to drift off into a deep, exhausted sleep.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
The quiet background noise of cartoons and careful crunching of cereal to his left woke Ryan gradually and he stretched out, yawned before he opened his eyes and saw Liam contently watching him. He smiled at Liam just as his own stomach growled, and they both chuckled. It was still light out, but judging by the shadows in the room, it was late afternoon. Thank fuck it was Saturday, which meant he’d have another day to get his sleep schedule back on track before school.
“Finally back with us, huh?” Liam said, amused. “I waited for you to wake up for a while before I started to feel like a creeper and switched on the TV instead of watching you.”
“Not a morning person.” Ryan mumbled with a shrug, still drowsy with sleep.
Liam smirked, “Yeah, I know. Want me to go get you a coffee and some cereal too?”
Lazily Ryan hummed his yes and hoped Liam understood it. Liam shot him an affectionate smile and set his bowl down on the nightstand, “Be right back.”
The coffee when Liam returned was exactly how Ryan liked it, and he was so strongly reminded of Chris, the countless times he’d done the same thing for him. Bittersweet, and a little achy, but it felt good to remember too. Felt good to have this again with someone. They leaned up against the headboard, side by side and watched cartoons while Ryan alternately sipped at his coffee and ate Fruit Loops.
They’d been lazily cuddled up for a while, empty bowls on the nightstands when Ryan’s phone rang and he leaned over the edge of the bed, scooped up his pants and dug his phone out, “Josh,” he told Liam before he flipped it open and answered.
Ryan’s cheeks heated faintly pink while he replied to Josh’s barrage of questions on how things had gone the night before. Politely, Liam pretended not to listen, but there was no such thing as privacy when you were still naked in bed together. After he’d assured Josh he was fine and everything had gone great, he’d flopped back onto the bed and buried his face in the pillow. Mumbled, “So embarrassing.”
Gently Liam’s hands settled on his shoulders, rubbed them for a moment before he leaned down and pressed a kiss to the nape of Ryan’s neck. Sweet and a little heated.
“I think it’s cute.” He said, “The way you get all flustered.”
Over his shoulder, Ryan shot him a glare, but his hands felt nice so it lost some of it’s heat when he groaned and melted into the mattress. For a little while, Liam just gave him a really great neck and shoulder massage, helped him relax. Then like he almost didn’t want to he said, “So, last night.”
Pliant, and so comfortable he hated having to speak, Ryan asked, “Yeah?”
“Just wanted you to know I’m not, like, expecting anything now, you know? If you need to go back to taking things slow, that’s cool.” Liam said and Ryan smiled into his pillow. He loved that Liam was a nurturer, that he wanted to make sure Ryan was okay.
“I don’t, but thanks.” Ryan said sincerely. “Forgot how much I missed this.”
“Sex?”
“No. Well, yeah. But not just sex. The whole, you know, intimacy thing.” Ryan confessed.
“Ah.” Liam said softly. “Me too. I’m really glad it’s with you.”
“You’re such a sap.” Ryan said with a little smirk.
Liam rolled his eyes and said, “Whatever, you love it.”
“Yeah, I kinda really do.” Ryan admitted, filled up with everything he felt for Liam, so content with where he was, where they were, that he couldn’t help letting it into his voice.
“Okay, now who’s the sap.”
“Shut up.”
All of Ryan’s guilt didn’t disappear overnight, unfortunately. And there were times it got to be overwhelming. When his brain convinced him he didn’t deserve to be with someone as amazing as Liam, or to have the fantastic life they built together, but re-reading Chris’s journal went a long way on those days. Reminded him that no matter what he thought about himself sometimes, Chris would’ve wanted him
to be happy. Chris loved him. Liam loved him, and there wasn’t much more a person could ask for than that.
At first, Ryan’d just tried to deal with everything he felt by himself. Tried to insulate Liam the best that he could from any negative emotions he had when they came up, but there was only so long he could keep things from him, and Liam talked him into seeing a therapist, just to have an outside party to talk to when he felt like things got to be too much. Not that he couldn’t talk to Liam, because there wasn’t anything Liam wouldn’t do or give for him. Sometimes though, Ryan felt like he was putting too much on him, so he agreed to talk to someone.
It took him a while to work up the courage to see someone, and when he did, he was honestly relieved to finally put names to what he felt. To work with someone on learning healthier coping mechanisms and eventually he hopefully wouldn’t need it anymore.
Through it all though, Liam was the person he leaned on. Who loved him no matter what Ryan’s bleakest thoughts told him. Who supported him, and kept his head above water whenever he needed him to. Who made his life fun, and who he got to be there for in return. Ryan thought, their story might not have a fairytale ending, real life rarely did, but it was theirs and it was filled with love and laughter so much more often than it was filled with sadness and that… well, that was something that made it special.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I owe a huge thank you to so many people for encouraging me along the way as I wrote this novel. First of all, Steph, you helped so much more than you’ll ever know. You pushed me to keep going when I wanted to throw in the towel. Gave me suggestions that ironed out the plot and fixed mistakes I didn’t even notice I made. Right from the plot notes, straight through to helping me pick a cover design, you were my cheerleader and I’m so glad I have you.
Zaria, you were a huge, huge help when I needed someone to tell me that I was on the right track. That this story was worth telling. You motivated me when I needed it, so thank you so much.