“I like your new attitude. Get some sleep. We can talk in the car. All right?”
She closed her eyes. “Sounds like a plan.”
Chapter Eighteen
Caroline
July
They held hands as they walked through the grounds. Indoor and outdoor pools, a tennis court, a regulation size indoor basketball court with a wooden floor…Jack’s home was over the top. Caroline had gotten a kick out of the giant old school Villanova logo in the center of the basketball court. Jack’s loyalty to his undergraduate alma mater was stronger than he liked to let on.
She hadn’t thought about it the first time she was there. Since they spent most of the time in his bedroom she didn’t think to ask to see the rest of the house. She missed the intimacy and closeness of having a physical relationship and looked forward to spending another weekend in bed with Jack. She hadn’t spent nearly enough time with him in Jerusalem, and now she had him to herself for three whole days.
Jack was hesitant to give her a full tour that first weekend in June and she thought she had understood why, but this weekend he seemed almost proud to show her around. Or he had for a while. She couldn’t really hide the fact that his vast estate was a bit too much for her at times.
They walked along a short paved path leading from the outdoor pool to the tennis court. Or rather, Jack was on the path and she was on the grass. She’d taken off her shoes and thigh highs. Caroline enjoyed feeling the soft green blades tickle her bare feet.
It was early July but the evening air was still unseasonably cool. There was some residual light reflecting on the pool from the back of the house but it didn’t reach much beyond where they were walking. Caroline grinned as they approached a cast iron bench. Because Jack had a normal backyard. With a park sized bench. On the way to a fully lit tennis court.
“Want to sit down for a minute?” he asked.
“Sure.”
They sat silently for a moment as Jack held Caroline’s hand in his lap, caressing it. She was wearing his suit jacket. The sleeves were far too long for her and they slid down past her hands. He didn’t seem to care.
He turned to her. “So, what do you think?”
“About what?”
“About this.” He extended his right arm, indicating the grounds.
“The tour is over?”
“Were you expecting more?”
“I think this is enough, don’t you?”
Jack clasped her hand in both of his. “I get the feeling all of this makes you uncomfortable.”
She looked down. He was getting a little too good at reading her. “Kind of.”
“That’s why I didn’t give you the full tour the first time you were here.”
“We were also otherwise occupied,” Caroline said.
He kissed the top of her hand. “Indeed we were. But you seem a little overwhelmed.”
There was no point in lying. “I am.”
“Does my wealth still bother you?”
She rubbed her forehead with her free hand. “Jack, I don’t want to say anything that you might take the wrong way.”
“You want me to renounce my worldly possessions and give them all to the proletariat?”
“No,” she said.
“You want me to join the Catholic Worker movement?”
“That would be hard,” Caroline said. “A life of poverty, even if voluntary, is very difficult.”
“I promise I won’t be offended by anything you say, Caroline.” He kissed her hand again. “I want to know what you think.”
“It’s a lot,” she said. “Especially for one person. Don’t get me wrong. I lived a decent life growing up and I live a very comfortable life now, but this seems excessive.”
“Probably.”
“I know you have a lot of money. More than I can comprehend outside of a budget debate. And you have every right to spend it in any manner you desire. You earned it, after all. But all of this doesn’t match up with the man I thought I was getting to know. It doesn’t seem to fit with your personality.”
“It doesn’t?” Jack asked. “You haven’t discovered how attached I am to my toys?”
They’d gone to dinner that night in an Aston Martin Vanquish, and he’d caught her eyeing his Porsche 911 Turbo. Jack seemed to derive great pleasure from the expensive cars in his garage and she couldn’t blame him. She appreciated a luxury vehicle as much as anyone.
“I’m very much attached to my toys, too,” she said. “We all have our quirks. You’ve seen my shoe collection. My many pieces of baseball memorabilia. But all of this appears to be inconsistent with who you really are. Does this make you happy?” she asked. “The house, the cars, the pools, the basketball and tennis courts. How big is this place anyway?”
“About twelve thousand square feet for the residence, six acres of land. Give or take. I can’t remember how many rooms are in the house.”
The man owned a multimillion dollar home and didn’t even know the specifics. “That’s enormous,” Caroline said. “And in case I didn’t mention it before, you have a ballroom, Jack. A ballroom.”
“I have a library, too,” he reminded her. “Don’t forget that.”
“Oh, I haven’t,” she assured him. “I adore that room. I wish you’d offered it up as a guest room the first time I came here. I’m thinking of having an affair with that magnificent piece of architecture behind your back.”
“Would it mean anything?” Jack asked.
“No,” she said. “It would be purely intellectual. Deeply, passionately, outrageously intellectual.”
He laughed. “Okay, then.” Caroline fell silent and Jack looked down at his hands. “This is too much for you, isn’t it?”
“You’re trying to prove yourself to people,” she said. “Trying to impress them when you really don’t need to. I don’t want to accuse you of being Jay Gatsby or something, but-”
“It is a lot. It’s probably too much. But deep down inside, I am a very superficial man.”
“That statement is a paradox,” Caroline said. “It makes no sense.”
“You don’t think I’m shallow?”
“Maybe a little. Everyone is, in some regard. Anyone who can’t admit that is either a hypocrite or a complete saint.”
“My salad girls were usually quite taken with this place.”
Jack’s little black book could fill a large section of the Kennedy Center and hers would be easily contained in a small conference room at a Holiday Inn. Caroline didn’t like to think about all those other women.
“That says more about them than it does about you,” she said.
“It says something about the type of woman I used to date.” Jack kept stroking her hand, and looked her in the eyes. “You’re nothing like them, Caroline. You’ve changed my life in a very short amount of time.” He cupped her face in his hands. “Don’t. Blush. I mean it,” he said.
She felt the heat rushing into her face. “It’s involuntary, Jack.”
“You’re such a strong, confident woman. Surely you must know how special you are. How rare. How wonderful. You’re funny, smart as all hell, gorgeous, loving, giving. You have a tremendous spirit.”
If it was even possible, Caroline turned an even brighter shade of red. “Jack,” she chided.
“Do you know why I have all of this?” he asked her. “I’m not even sure. I was always searching for meaning, trying to fill that void, trying to justify my hedonism and selfishness. And I was surrounded by people who never called me out on it because they got to enjoy all the fruits of my labor. When I was playing basketball I knew they only loved me because I’d had a good game. After Wharton I knew they were only with me because I spent money on them, bought them expensive gifts, whatever. But I don’t think any of this makes me happy. Not really.”
“Do you mean people in general or the women you’ve dated?”
“Both, I guess. Mostly women.”
“You don’t think anyone in your life has appreciat
ed you for who you are?”
“Aside from my family and my closest friends? Not really. Most of them never stuck around long enough. And much of that is my fault.”
“That makes me very sad. Why did you keep letting them in when they were using you?”
“I suppose it was easier than making an effort. And I was using them too, in a different way.”
The look on his face made Caroline want to cry. “Oh, Jack. I wish you didn’t feel that way. Twenty years is an awfully long time to keep up that lifestyle.”
“I know. But once you start living it, it’s hard to escape. It’s very easy to be shallow when you’re surrounded by insipid people and completely detached from reality.”
Caroline didn’t say anything. She just squeezed his hand.
Jack tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. He seemed to always be doing that. “You make me happy, Caroline. I never knew that my life was so empty before I met you. I get to look forward to seeing you every day. Touching you, kissing you, making you smile, hearing you laugh. And nothing would please me more than to share all of this with you.”
He lifted her chin up so that she was looking at him again. Her eyes were wet. “I know you might not be there yet, sweetheart,” he said. “I know you’re still healing. I can see the sadness in your eyes, when you think no one is looking. And I wish I could take all your pain away. But you’re still bursting with life, with energy and passion, even though you think you’ve been permanently damaged. You have so much to give and you deserve so much in return. I just hope that eventually there might be some room left in your heart for me.” He wiped away the tear that had slipped down her cheek. “I love you, Caroline.”
Jack brought his hands back into his lap and stared off toward the house. “I’ve never said that to anyone before. At least, said it and really meant it.”
She brushed a stray tear off her face and crossed her arms around herself, not speaking.
“You don’t have to say it back. I just wanted you to know.” He stood up and extended his hand to hers, still not making eye contact. “It’s getting a little cool. We should go back inside.”
Caroline took his hand. “You are a very, very good man. I hope you know that.”
Jack squeezed her fingers. “Now you’re going to make me blush.”
“Fine with me. We can bask in our shared inability to accept how others may see us.”
The walk back to the house seemed longer than it should have been. Jack was silent, unnervingly so. The two of them had often gone without speaking and it felt easy, comfortable, uncomplicated. But now Caroline could sense the apprehension rolling off of him. She turned him to face her right before they reached the back door.
“You have such a kind soul. You have so much to offer people, so much more than your money or your influence. Why do you have such a hard time showing it?”
“It takes less energy to be that way,” Jack said. “If you don’t get attached, no one can betray you.”
“Why aren’t you that way with me? What do I have that no one else does?”
“You see my humanity. And you accept me anyway. I feel like when you look at me you can see straight into my heart, bypassing all the messy details. You like me. I trust you. None of what I have matters to you nearly as much as who I truly am. I learned that on the night we met.”
“Anyone who can’t appreciate you for who you are doesn’t deserve to be in your life.”
“Do you think you can move beyond all this largesse, this façade?” Jack asked. “I know it’s too much for you and I don’t know how to remedy that.”
“I don’t expect any of that from you. You don’t have to impress me with your many things.” She fingered the diamond necklace he had given her. “Although gifts are sometimes nice.”
“I’ll try to restrain myself, then.”
“I didn’t say that. But don’t feel like you need to prove how you feel about me by buying me things all the time. Your presence is enough. And by the way, when you were describing yourself, you left out ‘smashing good looks.’” Caroline smiled at him.
“Did I really?”
She wrapped her arms around his neck. “I don’t want to wreck your idealized vision of me, but you are an unbelievably handsome, sexy man. Is that a shallow thing to say?”
Jack laughed. “Hell no.”
She kissed him. “And you’re great in bed, too.”
“Is that a hint?”
“Maybe.” She kissed him again, pressing closer to him.
“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were after something.” Jack kissed a trail across her jawline. “What would that be?”
“You,” Caroline whispered. “Not your money, your cars, or even your library.” She nuzzled his neck until she reached his ear. “Only you. Your hands, your mouth, your body, your mind, your soul. I want to show you what an incredible man you are. I want to savor every inch of you. I want to feel you move inside me until I can’t think about anything other than what you’re doing to me. Please, Jack.” She’d never spoken this way to anyone before. Caroline stroked the zipper of his pants and heard him groan. “This,” she said. “You. Now.”
Jack grabbed Caroline’s hand and dragged her toward the back door. “Don’t have to tell me twice.”
He continued pulling her into the kitchen, jogging quickly through the house as they headed upstairs. Caroline was soon out of breath.
“You’re lucky I took my shoes off before we took that walk,” she panted. “This moment would have been thoroughly ruined if I’d twisted my ankle.”
Jack led her into the bedroom and yanked his suit jacket off her shoulders. “You talk too much sometimes.” He crushed his lips to hers.
“You like it,” she gasped, once he moved his mouth to her neck.
“I do.” He bit her earlobe. “Especially when you call out my name while I’m getting you off.”
Caroline moaned and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, wanting nothing in between them. Jack was kissing her lips, her jawline, her neck, then working his way back up again. He pulled back for a moment, tracing her lips with his fingers.
“Sometimes I just want to look at you,” he said. “Do you have any idea how grateful I am that you’re here with me right now?”
Caroline didn’t think anyone had ever looked at her that way before, not even Nicky. She felt a surge of guilt and tried to clear her mind. She really had to stop making those comparisons.
Jack’s eyes were trained on her, gazing at her with nothing but pure, unadulterated love. He was practically worshiping her from afar, except he was right in front of her. And she didn’t know what she’d done to deserve it.
She stroked his cheek. “Oh, Jack. I didn’t think I’d feel this way about anyone ever again.”
He leaned into her hand and kissed her palm. “I mean it, sweetheart. If you’re not there yet, you don’t have to say anything.”
“Saying it makes it real.” Caroline was suddenly feeling very panicky after being ready to rip his clothes off only a moment before. “I can’t fall in love with you. I can’t.”
“You have nothing to be afraid of with me.”
Her throat constricted and to her horror, she began crying. “I can’t go through that again. I can’t need you. I can’t start thinking like I can’t live without you then start taking it for granted. I can’t feel that way about someone and then lose them. I couldn’t take it. Especially with you.”
He wrapped her in his arms. “Baby, don’t cry.”
She buried her face in his shoulder. “I don’t want to be lonely anymore. I don’t want to be miserable. I want to feel good again. But I don’t know what I’d do if this fell apart.”
“It won’t, Caroline. I promise it won’t. Trust me. Please.” Jack lifted her chin up. “Look at me, sweetheart.”
Caroline caressed his lips with her fingers and closed her eyes. She knew what she felt, had known it for weeks. But she couldn’t admit it, maybe out of
guilt, or fear, or denial. She couldn’t lie to herself anymore, or to him. It didn’t matter how terrifying the confession would be. She wanted to be happy. And he made her feel as if she was the most important thing in the world, the only person who mattered. It petrified her to tell him how she felt but she had to. He’d figure it out soon enough if he hadn’t already.
“I love you, Jack,” she whispered.
“Open your eyes.”
Caroline blinked.
“Say it again.” Jack’s voice was ragged, pleading. “Please.”
“I love you.”
He wiped his eyes. “Again.”
She laughed through her tears. “I love you.”
He lifted her up and whirled her around in a circle as she giggled.
“Again,” he said breathlessly.
She wrapped her arms around his neck. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”
He beamed. “That’s all I need to know.”
* * * * *
Jack was tracing a lazy trail down Caroline’s back. She was on her side, her back to him, recovering from their latest escapade.
“You called me Monty before.” He kissed her shoulder. “Did you notice that?”
She hadn’t meant to do it. It slipped out when he was peeling off her dress. “Is that okay?” she murmured.
He laughed. “It is. I like when you say that. When we’re alone or in bed, that is. Might sound goofy under any other circumstance.”
Caroline rolled over to face him. “I can live with that compromise.”
“So can I.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“You can ask me anything you want.”
“How long have you wanted to tell me you love me?”
Jack let his fingers drift over her shoulders. “For a long, long time. Long enough that I knew that if I said it too soon it would scare you away.”
“That’s a legitimate concern,” Caroline said. “I get a little shy sometimes.”
“I noticed.”
“So what changed your mind?”
“You did.”
The Bellator Saga: The First Trilogy (Dissident, Conscience, and Sojourn) Page 20