“Alright, Pacey, now do you know a Lilith?”
I held my breath and remembered what Ruthie said about lying.
“No, not really, there’s a nurse here named Lilith right? Is that who you meant.” I bit my tongue to contain my idiocy, I didn’t want him to see through my lie.
“No Pacey, that is not who I meant. I meant the demon Lilith, you screamed about when you ripped the stitches from your flesh.”
I winced under his harsh words and closed my eyes.
“Does that bother you Pacey, my speaking of your trying to commit suicide?”
I felt the tears start to well up into my eyes and tried to gain my composure. Was he trying to be mean?
“Yes Dr. Griffin, it bothers me to hear about my, my, my trying to commit suicide.” I gulped down a sob and watched his hard face soften.
“Okay, well that’s a good reaction to have Pacey, what you did was wrong, so you should feel bad about it. Can you tell me why you did it?”
I shook my head and felt the tears spill down my cheeks.
“I-I don’t know why, I’ve never wanted to end my life before. Bu-but my mother had just tried to kill me, and Rachel had just told me she was dead, and I was upset. It was okay to be upset wasn’t it?” I could hear the plea in my voice and I watched him look away from my painful expression.
“Of course Pacey, you have been through something very traumatic. And I’m very pleased with how you are handling yourself right now. It’s very admirable, I just want to make sure you won’t try and hurt yourself again. Okay?”
I wiped at my tears and bit my lip to try and compose myself. “I don’t want to hurt myself Dr. Griffin, I want to go home.”
“I know Pacey, of course you don’t. But it’s my job to keep you safe, and send you home healthy okay. Can you trust me?”
I nodded and reached for a tissue.
“Good. Now I think that from what you’ve just shown me, you can be given a certain amount of leniency or privileges, would you like that?”
My eyes went wide in surprise. “Yes, very much.”
He smiled and opened his desk drawer. “Your father brought a few personal possessions for you.”
He pulled out a small bag and held it out to me.
I grabbed it eagerly and inspected it. It was a small travel case my mom had bought me a few years back. I unzipped the zipper and glanced inside. A small brush, detangler, and a few cosmetics were inside. It also held my most beloved of possessions, my ipod. I reached for the pink familiar device and smiled.
“Thank you Dr. Griffin, this is great.” He reached for another bag and brought it towards me.
“We had to inspect everything carefully to make sure, there weren’t any dangers. Your friend brought three bags with her but we let her know that you were only allowed the one.”
I took the small duffle bag and looked inside. It held a few of my favorite clothes, and a couple of small pictures without frames, and a roll of scotch tape.
“You can’t have frames yet, so we let your family know they could bring in snap shots and tape for your room. As long as you take your medication every day and try to participate in group sessions and therapy you won’t lose these new privileges. Do you have any questions?”
I shook my head. “No sir, uh, Dr. Griffin.”
He motioned towards the door and Rachel opened it softly.
“You ready Pacey?”
I grabbed my bag and headed towards the door.
“I see you have a few things there, that’s good news.”
I walked slowly beside her. She led me back around the hall and towards my room. Once inside she helped me tape up my pictures and put away my clothes.
“You have group in two hours, I’ll come get you, but it would be good for you to use the clock to set up alarms. As you gain privileges you gain responsibilities and eventually getting to group and therapy on time will be some of them.”
I watched her walk through the door and lock me safely inside. I took out my ipod and lay back on my bed. I needed to get out of here. If anyone sane ever had the misfortune of ending up in here, staying for a few hours was enough to drive the sanest of them crazy.
“Good morning Pacey.” Rachel’s annoyingly sun shiny voice said to the dimly lit room.
I groaned and covered my head with my pillow. It had been three days since my arrival in observation. And today was my 18th birthday. Yea me!
“I here today is you birthday.”
I sighed and sat up to stretch. Rachel’s smiling face made me want to scream.
“Yep, I’m super blessed too, I get to spend it here!” I plastered on a fake smile and walked into the bathroom to brush my teeth.
I avoided looking into the mirror. I’d gotten pretty used to doing that now. Avoiding mirrors and people’s eyes. The doc said I was supposed to be getting out in a couple of days, I was turning out to be a pretty damn good liar. When he asked about Lilith, I pretended not to know what he was talking about.
Eventually I came up with the idea that Lilith had been my imaginary friend when I was a child. It seemed to subdue him so I stuck with that, and shared all the horrible feelings I had about losing my mother. I think I had cried more in the last week than I had in my entire life. It was strange how it changed me more than Lilith’s first attempt on my life.
I threw on a pair of warn jeans and a faded Sublime T-shirt. Each day I earned new privileges. Getting more clothes, and responsibilities were some of them. I had to help in the kitchen before and after lunch. And as long as I participated, which meant lied my ass off, in group, and my one on one sessions I was good.
The Doc promised me he’d really consider letting me out over the weekend. Today was Friday, my Friday. I sighed and followed Rachel down the hallway. I stared at the familiar faces in the hall, two orderlies who’d held me down only days before smiled and waved, wishing me happy birthday. I tried not to roll my eyes in their direction.
“So what do you want for your birthday?” Rachel’s chipper voice made me cringe again, the woman was so peppy that if you bottled her blood you’d probably see rainbows.
“What do you think?”
Rachel sighed and opened the electronically locked door. If I could just get my hands on her Key card, I could probably spring this joint. I shook my head and decided against it. Doc said a few more days, so that’s what I was going to hold onto.
I followed her to the familiar nurse’s window and reached for my pills. Ever since I’d arrived in the hospital, the meds had messed with my ability to hear people’s thoughts. It made me wonder how many crazy people in here weren’t actually crazy. If my ability could be numbed by pills, maybe other abilities could be too.
One guy, Donny was in here for what they called borderline schizophrenia. Which meant that he heard voices, but had no other symptoms. I suppose if they had to give him a label that’s the most logical one they could choose. I honestly thought that he might actually hear the voice of God. Who was I to judge a fellow crazy.
I opened my mouth and held out my tongue. The only bad part about the pills, other than the obvious loss of my ability, was the fact that I felt like a walking Zombie most of the time. For at least an hour after taking it I felt catatonic. I’d take my usual seat by Ruthie and stare at the wall. Today though I was supposed to get my visitors early since it was my birthday. So I followed Rachel again back down the hall.
Chapter Twelve
Happy Birthday
“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Paaacccceeyyy, HAPPY birthday tooooooo yoooouuuu.”
I stared at the familiar faces and smiled. None of them could carry a tune at all. I was surprised to see a dark haired Weston cowering behind Rhiannon.
“Hey Wes, come here.” I reached forward and pulled him into a quick hug.
He released me quickly and backed away, his eyes on Dean.
“Rhi talked me into coming. She figured since I was here anyway, it wouldn’t hur
t to come. How you feeling P, you doing okay?”
I stared at his tan skin, familiar brown eyes and felt my heart squeeze in pain. As good as, I could be under the circumstances.
“Yea, I’m doing better. And I’m really glad you came.”
Dean put an arm over my shoulders and pulled me towards the table. My dad was sitting with a smiling woman I’d never seen before. There was a cake on the table, and a bag full of presents.
“Hi baby, happy birthday.” My dad’s voice was strained.
He motioned to the woman sitting next to him and she held out her hand.
“Hello Pacey, I’m your lawyer Stephanie Caruthers. I’ve been assigned to you by a third party that was worried about your welfare. I’m here with some pretty good news.”
I looked around me puzzled. What good news could she possibly have, and who was the third party?
“Well, because there is a limit Legally, to how long they can keep you without it being voluntary. You are going to be able to leave. See today is your 18th birthday, and despite what your father believes, you are capable of making your own decision. If you want to leave you can, no one can force you to stay here. You have been observed, and are no longer a danger to yourself. Dr. Griffin wants to continue seeing you in a strictly outpatient setting.”
I listened to Rhiannon and Dean express laughs and exclamations of happiness. What I couldn’t understand was why my dad looked so unhappy about it. Didn’t he want me to come home didn’t he miss me?
“I don’t understand.” My eyes narrowed in my father’s direction.
“What don’t you understand Miss O’Brien.” My lawyer stared at my father’s reddening face and then at mine.
“Why was I here to begin with, if it was purely voluntary, and why it’s against my father’s objections.”
The room around me became silent. Dean, Wes, and Rhiannon all sat down and waited for Mrs. Caruthers response.
“Well legally, a person who has tried to injure themselves is only able to be held for a 72 hour observation. If said party has no prior Mental Health issues, or previous occurrences, they are seen by a Psychologist and sent home. In your case, after the first 72 hours your father took it upon himself to have you committed, without your knowledge. Because you were a minor child, and he your guardian, this was completely legal. But now since you are no longer a minor child, you are able to decide for yourself. Would you like to go home?”
I stared at my father’s face in anger. I shook my head and felt the pain and betrayal wrap tightly around me.
“No, I will most definitely not be going home. But I want out of here. What do we have to do?”
My father sucked in a breath of anger and stood up from the table without looking at me. He rushed across the room and slammed the door behind him. Mrs. Caruthers smiled softly and reached into her briefcase.
“Just sign these, and were done. You can have your friend’s help you pack, and go wherever you want.”
I smiled at Dean, Rhi, and Wes. I was getting out of here thank God, but what was wrong with my dad?
I stared out the passenger side window without speaking. I could hear Wes and Rhiannon’s laughter ringing like bells. Their voices became muffled by the numbness creeping across my skin. As it sank deeper I knew it had nothing to do with the pill I’d taken earlier at the hospital. I wiped at a stray tear that spilled down my cheek.
My father didn’t want me.
I repeated the words over and over again in my head. My father didn’t want me, didn’t want me, he DIDN’T WANT ME. He’d signed the papers that kept me in that place for an undisclosed period of time. Did he blame me for my mother’s death. He’d never said it, never even acted like it before, but now I had no clue.
For years, I’d always thought that our relationship was great. We’d joke and laugh. I had the same quick-witted humor he had, and most of the time that seemed like enough. But maybe it wasn’t. Maybe what I thought was a bond was forced.
If I had to replay my whole life over again I wouldn’t know where it had all gone wrong. It could have been my destiny to fall in love with Dean, or it could have just been a fluke, an accident. But that wasn’t what made my dad sign the papers of committal.
Lilith wasn’t able to sway men, not like she could females, she couldn’t take over a man and control him. Adam was immune to her powers. So why was my father so quick to turn the key to my cell?
I could feel the back of my seat being kicked annoyingly. Every couple of seconds I lurched forward from the impact. I waited for a minute, but the kicking persisted. I turned around and screamed at Rhiannon.
“STOP IT.” I yelled louder than I meant to, and Rhiannon’s face immediately went blank.
Wes stared at me in fascination and grabbed Rhiannon’s hand in support. That was a new development. I didn’t remember ever seeing them be that friendly. Guess dad wasn’t the only one who had secrets.
“Sorry, but seriously, that could drive anyway flipping mad, and I would know.”
Rhiannon smiled and kicked the back of my chair again. I laughed and looked down at their intertwined hands, and Rhiannon pulled hers away.
“So I guess there’s a lot I don’t know huh?” I stared at Wes’ face and he quickly looked away.
“Does Wes know?” I looked over at Dean and he nodded.
“Hey Pacey you know I’m never one to judge. If you say, some psycho demon chic is hot for Dean then whatever. I personally don’t see the appeal but hey, I’m a dude. I’m surprised I don’t have ten Lilith’s looking for me.”
“Thanks Wes.” I rolled my eyes and looked at Dean’s ruffled exterior.
“Hey just so you know, Pacey and Lexie fought over me. So it shouldn’t be that hard to believe.”
Rhi laughed. “Oh yea lover boy, all the girls want you. Now if you are done stroking your own ego can we get back to the topic at hand? Since you aren’t going home, where are you going to stay Pacey?”
I chewed on my lip in concentration. “Well your place is out. Don’t get me wrong I love your place but you have been influenced by Lilith before. I can’t take the chance that you’ll do what my mom did. Wes doesn’t live here and Dean?” I stared at his smug face before continuing.
“Is obviously under the impression that I was going to stay with him. What kind of girl do you think I am?”
He smiled again and ran his eyes up and down my body. “Oh I know exactly what kind of girl you are.”
I punched him in the arm and looked back out the window.
“Maybe it would be best if I got like a motel room and stayed by myself.”
Dean’s concentration on the road wavered a little and his hands tightened on the wheel.
“No, wherever you go, I go. Sorry baby but that’s the way it is.”
I could hear Rhi gagging in the back seat.
“Well, even though I don’t live here anymore, my brother has a cabin out on the lake that’s currently empty. He usually rents it out but since he knew, I was coming for a few weeks he let me have it. There’s enough room for all of us.”
I could hear the wistful sound of his voice. Oh yea he had it bad for Rhiannon. I wondered why I’d never noticed it before. Little miss Selfish, I guess I was too concerned with myself.
“Sweet, but uh, I don’t know if my mom would be cool with that. I won’t be 18 for two months. Maybe if she knows it’s for you Pace, and I leave out the part about boys.”
Two hours later, we pulled down the long dirt road into a gravel driveway. The trees were heavily branched and blocked out most of the sun. If I didn’t know who owned it I might have thought of it as creepy.
Near the lake, the cabin had a huge deck with patio furniture that looked out over the water. A small broken down dock, and a boat bobbed on top of the glittering glass like top. The mountains around the lake reflected perfectly off of the mirrored surface. I shivered and looked away.
I’d tried to talk Rhiannon out of coming out here, but with Dean, and Wes scr
eaming that they could handle her, I was overruled. My two best friends, and boyfriend, weren’t going anywhere.
For the three days, I spent in observation Ruthie sat glued to my side. She told me about her life, and her sister’s true love, and the death that took over after she found him. She explained that my meeting Dean was fated. I was special, one of few females in the world unable to be influenced by Lilith.
She said that our story replayed and recycled over and over again for thousands of years. Lilith would always be obsessed with the descendant of Adam, and today that descendant was Dean. The only bad part about taking down Lilith, other than the obvious of not knowing how, was that the effects of the pills I’d been taking numbed my abilities.
So before I could even attempt to use them, to learn to harness them, and become stronger, I had to wait until they were back in full swing. We still had months left of High School, not to mention the Bad Girls Club was still planning on taking down Lexie. And I still had to find out what was wrong with my dad.
I threw my backpack on the double bed and looked around the dusty room. If Dean was under the assumption he was sleeping in here with me he had another thing coming. I watched him glance in the room and start to make his way inside.
“Huh uh Sparky, march on back out and down the hall.”
Dean’s eyebrow went up in surprise and I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from smiling. All I needed to do was give Lilith another reason to attack me. Obviously, intimacy was a big no-no.
“Ahh come on Pacey, I can sleep on the floor.” His voice was hopeful but I shook my head. No way was I falling for that one.
“Right, and you won’t just wind up in my bed accidentally. Nope down the hall. Rhi is taking the room in-between us to keep an eye on you.” I smiled and shut the door between us.
It would be easier to tell him no if I didn’t have to look at his all too sexy face. I reached for all the mirrors I could find and stacked them on the bed face down. We’d all decided removing them was a good idea. That way, at least from what I knew, she couldn’t see what we were up too.
The phone in my pocket vibrated and I stared at the familiar number with dread. I took a deep breath and pressed okay.
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