by Gerri Hill
Because it didn’t fit in with her plans.
She poured more wine, replacing memories of Carol Ann with a new, fresh vision of Casey. Over the years, she’d been so careful. She didn’t have many female friends. Those that she allowed herself to get close to were usually married, usually with kids. They were safe. And when she met Michael, when their dating evolved into them being a couple, she no longer feared being close to a woman. She was over it. It was a one-time thing, she convinced herself. And it was true. She never had those feelings again.
Not until tonight.
Not until Casey pulled her close, wrapping her body innocently around her own. Her hand shook as she brought the wineglass to her lips. Casey’s body had been warm, her hand nearly searing as it rested at her waist. And her breasts…
“God,” she groaned, remembering how it felt to have them press into her back. Stop it! She slammed her eyes shut. It was perfectly innocent. Casey hadn’t meant anything. She was simply stopping her, that’s all. Then why had Casey apologized? Why did she withdraw? Had she felt Leslie’s reaction? Was she embarrassed for her?
Leslie pounded her fist down in the water causing bubbles to fly. You’re engaged to be married. To a man, for God’s sake.
“Act like it.”
And she tried. Later, when Michael came home and crawled into bed beside her, she didn’t resist as his arms pulled her close, didn’t resist as his hands moved over her body, moving her nightshirt aside as he fondled her breasts.
“You want to make love?”
She nodded, trying so hard to feel that passion that always eluded her when he touched her. She gave in to his kisses and his familiar touch, praying that it would be enough. But it never was. And when he parted her legs, when he hovered over her and entered her, he didn’t seem to notice that she wasn’t ready. She squeezed her eyes shut, fighting back the nausea that threatened. She let her mind go blank as she usually did when he made love to her. It hit her then. How did she ever think she could spend a lifetime like this? Drifting away as a man used her body for his release.
Thankfully, it was over quickly. She pushed him off her as he recovered, embarrassed by the tears she felt.
“I’m sorry. I couldn’t hold it,” he gasped. “I’ll make it up to you.”
She shook her head and sat up. “No. I’m fine.” But he stopped her as she tried to get out of bed.
“What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?”
“No, it’s nothing,” she said, unable to stop the tear that slid down her cheek.
“Leslie, what?”
“Just hormones,” she lied. Like most men, he took that at face value.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“No, no. It’s not your fault. Not at all.” She stood. “I just…I just want to take a shower.”
“Okay.” He got up too. “I’m wide awake now. I think I’ll check the late news or something.”
She nodded, disappearing into the bathroom once again and locking the door behind her. She stood under the hot water, scrubbing herself. And hating herself.
Why? Why now? After all these years, why now?
But as she dried off, she dared to meet her eyes in the mirror. The truth was there and she couldn’t run from the truth.
“You’re attracted to her.”
Strangely, those words weren’t nearly as frightening to her now as they were when she was nineteen. No, the problem was whether she was going to be adult enough to be able to talk to Casey about them. Because frankly, running and hiding from it seemed to be the logical choice at the moment.
Chapter Eighteen
After agonizing over it for most of the night, Casey was still upset by what she’d done the night before. She stood on her deck sipping a cup of coffee, much like she’d done last night when she held a wineglass.
Leslie had obviously been upset by it. Could you blame her? She’d practically manhandled her. It was totally inappropriate. She would never have done that if her partner were male. And a male partner would never have done that to her.
But she did it. She grabbed Leslie. She grabbed her and didn’t let her go. Worse, she held her as if…well, as if it were an embrace.
“Jesus Christ,” she whispered. What the hell is wrong with you?
Yeah, Leslie had been upset. They’d hardly spoken the rest of the night. And Casey had been too embarrassed to apologize properly. But she would do that today. First thing. She would apologize. And hopefully, Leslie wouldn’t bring her up on sexual harassment charges.
“Idiot.”
But her plans to get to work early in the hopes that Leslie would be there too failed when she got caught in traffic. By the time her police scanner gave the location of the accident, it was too late for her to take an alternate route. Now, twenty minutes late, she hurried into the squad room, nearly knocking Sikes down as she burst through the double doors.
“Where’s the fire, O’Connor?”
“Sorry, man. Traffic was hell.”
“There was an accident on Garland,” Leslie said.
Casey met her eyes across the room, nodding. “Yeah.” She made her way to her desk, her nerves nearly getting the best of her.
“I hear you guys thought you had our killer,” Tori said.
“Huh?”
Leslie smiled at her. “I was telling Tori how I was ready to sprint from the bushes and arrest this guy before you stopped me.”
Casey felt her cheeks flush and she tried to act normal, but knew she was failing. “Yeah. Our lone excitement of the night.”
“I like the idea of cruising Deep Ellum though,” Tori said. “Although I don’t know if we can match you on off nights.”
“Yeah, I know. Sam would kill me,” Casey said.
“Sam would understand. It’s Sikes I’m worried about.”
They all turned to look at John.
“What?”
“You know what,” Tori teased. She looked back at Casey. “John’s in love.”
“Oh, my God! Are you kidding?” She was pleased at the blush that covered John’s face.
“I’m not in love,” he said.
“Sure you are. You’ve had what? Four dates?”
“Four dates? With the same girl?” Casey glanced at Leslie. “John is one and out, normally.”
“Well, how wonderful, John. Congratulations.”
He glared at Tori. “I’m going to kill you.”
“I think it’s sweet.”
“Shut up.”
Casey laughed. “Don’t be embarrassed, Sikes. Everybody should fall in love at least once.”
“Yeah? What about you?”
Casey shrugged. “I’m still waiting. It’ll happen someday.” Her smile vanished. “I hope.” She looked up, surprised to find Leslie’s eyes on her. She glanced at the others, but Tori had picked up the phone and Sikes had turned to his computer. She motioned to the hallway. “Can I talk to you?” she asked quietly.
Leslie nodded and got up, following Casey down the hall and into the ladies’ room. Casey turned as soon as the door closed, facing Leslie.
“I need to apologize,” she said.
Leslie frowned. “For?”
“Come on. We both know what for. It was inappropriate. I’m sorry.”
Leslie raised her eyebrows. “What part, Casey?”
Casey dropped her head. She wasn’t making it easy, was she? “If you were a guy, I never would have done that. And if your partner were a guy, he never would have touched you that way.”
Leslie took a step closer. “Touched me that way?” she repeated.
Casey nodded. “I crossed the line. I don’t know what happened. I just…I just did it. I grabbed you without thinking.”
Their eyes met, holding. Casey tried to guess what was going through Leslie’s mind. Was she remembering the way Casey had pulled her close, had pressed her body to her own? Casey swallowed, trying to clear her head, trying to forget how it felt.
“If it’s all the same to you,
” Leslie said, “I’d just as soon not talk about it.”
Casey shook her head. “No. It’s not all the same,” she said. “Please, we’ve got to talk about it. I feel like an ass. I just want to say I’m sorry and I want you to say you forgive me and we’ll forget all about it.”
Leslie turned her back to Casey. “And we’ll just forget all about it, is that right?”
“Yes. It won’t ever happen again. I’m sorry.”
Leslie turned back around. “So the fact that I had a…a reaction to your touch doesn’t matter?”
It was Casey’s turn to stare. “What?”
“Maybe I should be the one apologizing.”
Casey walked closer, her hand reaching out to grasp Leslie’s arm. “What are you talking about? I did it, not you. You could file charges against me.”
Leslie smiled. “Is that what you’re worried about? Sexual harassment?”
“It’s crossed my mind.”
“Was it sexual harassment?”
“No, of course not. I swear. I don’t know what came over me.”
“And I don’t know what came over me.”
Their eyes met again and Casey was startled by what she saw there. She was unable to look away.
“I…I just had a…a moment,” Leslie said quietly. “I thought you could tell. I thought you knew.”
Casey couldn’t drag her eyes away. All she remembered was the feeling of Leslie trembling in her arms. A trembling she assumed was from fear. “I guess…well, I guess maybe I had a moment too then.”
They both broke into smiles and Casey relaxed, feeling somewhat relieved. At least Leslie wasn’t pissed at her.
“Okay, so we had a moment,” Leslie said. “And we won’t talk about it anymore, right?”
“Right.”
She nodded. “Okay. I can live with that.”
But when the door opened and Tori walked in, they both took a step away from each other. Leslie’s eyes darted from one to the other.
“I was just leaving,” she said, then bolted from the room.
Tori stared at Casey, eyebrows raised. “Everything okay?”
Casey nodded. “Yeah, sure. We were…we were just having a moment.”
Tori grinned and walked toward one of the stalls. “Yeah, Sam and I used to have moments in here all the time.”
Their eyes met and Casey felt her face turn red. She followed Leslie from the room, hearing Tori’s quiet laughter mocking her.
“Hey, Mac called,” Sikes said when she returned to her desk. “Positive match on the knife wounds. And he said they got tox back on your homeless guy. He said to swing by if you wanted to chat about it, or he’d just e-mail you.”
“Thanks. I think I’ll swing by.” She looked at Leslie. “You want to go?”
She noticed her hesitation and didn’t blame her, but she nodded. “Yeah. Let’s walk.”
But their silence was unnerving and Casey finally stopped. “Look, are you mad at me?”
“No, of course not.”
“Are you sure?”
Leslie took a step closer and Casey felt warm fingers grip her arm. “We’re fine, Casey. But please, let’s just forget about it, okay? ‘Cause it’s all fine.” She squeezed her fingers tightly one more time, and Casey watched as her hand slipped away.
We’d be more fine if you’d quit touching me.
Leslie turned. “What?”
Casey’s eyes widened. “Oh, my God. Did I say that out loud? I thought I thought that.”
“Thought what?”
“Thought what you thought I said.”
“Huh?”
She laughed. “I thought…well, never mind.”
Leslie stared at her, then bumped her shoulder lightly as they started walking again. “You know, with a little perfection, we can take this comedy act on the road.”
“Funny, Tucker.”
Funny, yeah, but Leslie felt like she was going to explode if she didn’t resolve this soon. Her admission last night, and her plan to act like an adult this morning and talk to Casey had gone out the window as soon as she laid eyes on her. It was easy to tell that Casey was eaten up with guilt and Leslie couldn’t let her take all the blame. She also couldn’t bring herself to say the words I’m attracted to you either.
So they’d fumbled through the apologies, finally agreeing to forget about it and move on. Which would have been ideal, if not for one little problem.
She was attracted to her.
“What do you think?”
She blinked. “What?”
Casey tilted her head. “About the cocaine.”
She frowned, meeting Casey’s eyes.
“Okay. So you weren’t listening,” Casey said with raised eyebrows. “Tox came back positive for cocaine. Homeless people can’t afford cocaine. Homeless people can’t afford drugs period. So, where do you think he got cocaine?”
“Patrick?”
“If Patrick is homeless too, where’d he get cocaine?”
“Okay, so it’s really a rhetorical question?”
Casey laughed. “No, I was hoping you’d have a guess.”
“The way you’ve described this Patrick, he may be a carrier for a dealer. Could be why he’s a little better off than the others,” Mac suggested.
“But what dealer is going to trust a homeless guy with money?” Leslie asked.
“True.”
Casey sighed. “Okay, Mac. Anything else?”
“Nothing else on tox.”
“And the knife wounds are a positive match?”
“Yeah. I’ll include photos from both in my report. I’ll copy Hunter on the e-mail.”
“Thanks. At least we know we have a link now.”
Leslie sat quietly, watching as Casey brushed at her hair, unconsciously tucking the longer strands behind her ears. Her eyes lowered and she was horrified to find herself staring at Casey’s chest. She pulled her eyes away, focusing on Mac instead.
“If you can find me a knife, we can match the cut.”
“Yeah, and if I can find me a Patrick, maybe I can find you a knife.” Casey stood. “Thanks for your time, Mac.”
Casey held the door for her and Leslie walked through without a comment. Back on the street, she found herself keeping her distance from Casey as they headed back to their building.
“You know, tonight, there’s really no need for both of us to be out,” Casey said.
“Are you going to start that again?”
Casey glanced at her quickly, then away. “No offense, but there seems to be a little tension between us. And I hate it.”
Leslie stopped, grabbing Casey’s arm to make her do the same. “I hate it too. I’m sorry.”
Casey ran her hand through her hair, staring skyward. “Look, I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry for what happened. It’s obviously made you uncomfortable to be around me.”
“What?”
“That’s why maybe tonight, we shouldn’t be together.”
“O’Connor, get over it already, will you? We’re both adults here. And for some reason, you’re not seeing the whole picture.” She realized she was still gripping Casey’s arm and she released her. Christ, can’t you keep your hands off her?
Their stare was intense, neither pulling away. Finally, Casey took a step back. “Okay. I’ll get over it.”
“Thank you.”
But not another word was spoken as they continued on to their building. At the door, she paused, shifting nervously as Casey waited.
“Look, I’ve got an appointment,” she blurted out. She glanced at her watch. “Early lunch. I’ll be back in an hour.”
Casey frowned. “What?”
“Call my cell if you need me.”
She left Casey standing at the door, but she had to get away. She sat for a moment in her car, trying to decide what to do. Then it hit her.
Sam.
But she almost lost her nerve as she walked into CIU. Sam and Tori were good friends with Casey. But who better to ta
lk this out with than Sam? So she showed her badge and was pointed toward Sam’s office without having to explain her business. At the door, she raised her hand to knock then stopped, closing her eyes for a moment before tapping lightly.
Sam glanced at the door, then called a quick come in. She was surprised when Leslie Tucker stuck her head inside.
“Sam, I’m sorry to barge in unannounced, but—”
“No, come in. Is everything okay?” Then her heart raced. “Tori?”
“No, no. Everything’s fine. I just needed…well, I wanted to talk. It’s personal.”
Sam nodded. “Of course.” She motioned to the visitor’s chair across from her, wondering at the troubled look on Leslie’s face.
“I know it’s only ten thirty, but could you break away for lunch?”
Something about the haunted look in her eyes made Sam agree. “Sure. I can get away.”
Leslie smiled her thanks. “And when I say lunch, I didn’t mean to eat. I just…just…”
“Need to talk?” Sam grabbed her purse. “I understand. How about we walk down to The Palms? We can get some iced tea and find a table in the shade,” she suggested.
“Perfect.”
Sam stopped at the reception desk on her way out, letting Melissa know she’d be out. Once they were on the sidewalk, Sam leaned closer. “Want to tell me now or do you want to wait?”
“You already know, don’t you?”
“Casey?” she guessed.
Leslie looked away. “I’m engaged to be married and I find myself attracted to another woman.” She stopped up short on the sidewalk. “And I don’t know what to do.”
Sam took her arm. “Come on. We’ll talk.” At The Palms outdoor restaurant, she directed Leslie to an open table and then went in search of a waiter. Two teas and a spinach and mushroom quiche should serve as a light brunch. When she got back to the table, she squeezed Leslie’s hand. “It’s not the end of the world.”