by Cassia Leo
I can barely breathe as I turn the pages and see the names of songs he used to sing to me before we broke up. Each song is bursting with the emotions and memories of the love we shared and lost. After about forty pages, I come to a song I don’t recognize.
“What’s this?”
“It’s the first song I wrote after we broke up.”
“Telescope”
The darkest night
The brightest light
Is still in you
You see through me
You see me through
The colors too
But you’re so far away
Distance is not my friend
So close but so far away
No light at the end
Of this telescope
The deepest truth
The hardest proof
Is still with you
You set me up
You point me out
And then you’re through
But I’m so far away
Distance is not your friend
So close, maybe I should stay
No light at the end
Of this telescope
No eye at the end
Of this telescope
“I don’t know what to say,” I whisper as I flip through the pages. “Part of me wants to read every single word and another part of me doesn’t want to know what I did to you.”
“What we did to each other. You said it before: No one knows how to love me like you and no one knows how to hurt me like you.”
“You remember that.”
“Of course, I remember, and I hope I never forget it. I hope you don’t either because the sentiment goes both ways. You shattered my heart, but only because I knew you were the only one who could fix it, and you were gone. I lost hope, but those days are over. And you remind me of that every day just in the way you look at me.”
I continue flipping through the pages and the lyrics become darker with each page I turn.
“There are over fifty songs I wrote while we were broken up, and a new song I wrote last week, but I don’t want you to read that one yet. You have to promise you won’t look at the last page in the book.”
“Are you seriously asking me not to look?”
“Chris, that’s cruel,” Jackie says, giving him a severe look of disapproval. “At least take the song out of the book if she can’t look at it.”
“No, don’t take it out. I want to see it.”
Chris laughs as he attempts to take the book out of my hands, but I tighten my grip. “Let go. I don’t want you to peek. You’re not ready to see it yet.”
“I hate you,” I mutter as I let go of the book and he sets it down gently inside the red box.
“I hate you harder.”
I look at Jackie and we exchange a look because we both know it’s time for me to give Chris his gift. Suddenly, my stomach cramps up with nerves and Chris can sense the shift.
“What’s going on? Are you two keeping a secret from me?”
Jackie raises an eyebrow, trying to look unimpressed with Chris’s deductive reasoning skills. She takes a seat on the arm of the chair where Joel is seated and it warms my heart to see him instinctively lean in toward her. But I’m still nervous as hell.
“I’ll be right back,” I say as I stand from the sofa and retrieve Chris’s car keys from the table by the front door.
“Where are you going? The mall is closed,” Chris teases me, but I’m too nervous to acknowledge his joke as I walk outside and close the front door behind me.
As soon as I look out, I’m mesmerized by the fine layer of snow that covers everything from the front lawn and down to the end of the street. I quickly open the door to call Chris and he’s just inside the door putting his coat on.
“It’s snowing,” I say excitedly.
“I can see that.”
He follows me outside with my coat in his hands and I slip my arms into the sleeves as he holds it up for me.
“Come with me,” I say, taking his hand and yanking him toward the driveway where his Porsche is parked.
I deactivate the alarm and he laughs. “Are we going somewhere?”
“This is where I hid your gift.”
“You hid my Christmas gift in my car?”
“It was the one place I knew you wouldn’t look.”
I pop the hood open for the trunk and quickly make my way to the front of the car. I feel under the top-left part of the trunk and quickly find the small box I taped there. As soon as I rip off the tape, my heart begins to pound wildly against my chest.
Chris sees the box and his face changes. The excitement he was feeling just a moment ago is gone.
“Why are you giving that back to me?”
“No, I’m not giving it back.”
“Then what are you doing?”
The snow falls all around us and I close my eyes as I silently wish with all my might that it’s the ghosts of our past falling away. My hand trembles as I open my eyes and hold the box out to him. He eyes it warily, but he doesn’t take it.
“I’ve been secretly spending a lot of time with this ring,” I say, my voice shaky with nerves and the cold that penetrates my coat and seeps into my bones.
He chuckles softly. “What have you been doing with it?”
“Oh, you know, just wearing it around the house every second you’re gone, while I play dress-up and have tea with my dolls.”
“That’s so fucking creepy.”
I smile as my entire body trembles. “I can’t help it. This ring is a symbol of everything I’ve always wanted with you.” I take a deep breath that comes out in a big cloud of steam. “Ever since you proposed to me two months ago, I’ve thought about what our lives would be like if I had said yes. And I’ve regretted saying no from the moment I said it. Then Senia said something to me last week that made me realize what an idiot I’ve been by holding onto this ring. She said, ‘You and Chris need to stop pretending like you’re not going to be together for the rest of your lives.’” Chris laughs and I nod. “Yeah, typical Senia, but she hit the nail on the head. I need to stop pretending this isn’t forever…. I want you to put this ring on my finger. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want all those dreams we have for ourselves and for each other to come true. And I want—”
Before I can finish my next sentence, he grabs my face and kisses me hard. I drop the ring box as my limbs turn to jelly at my sides. His lips are warm and taste like pumpkin pie. I reach up to wrap my arms around his neck just as the sound of applause reaches us. Chris and I both turn toward the sound. Joel is clapping while Jackie covers her mouth and sobs.
Chris looks at me and smiles as he kneels down to retrieve the box from the snow. “I can’t believe you just proposed to me.”
He takes the ring out of the box and tosses the box over his shoulder. I hold out my left hand and he smiles as he slowly slides the ring onto my finger. He lays a soft kiss on my hand and the crooked smile on his face could melt snow.
Standing up, he brushes some snow off my hair then kisses my cold nose. “Is this the part of the marriage proposal where I start screaming and jumping up and down?”
“Only if you truly love me.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Adam
The phone call from Tina leaves my stomach in knots as I attempt to finish out the workday so I can call Claire. I pack up my laptop and, just as I’m closing my office door, Maddie calls my name from further down the corridor. She’s walking toward me with a fruit basket.
“Hey, Maddie,” I say as I begin making my way toward the front office so I can leave.
“I’ll walk you out,” she says, her feathery brown curls bouncing as she lugs that big basket.
“Give me the basket and you can carry my bag,” I say, handing her my laptop bag as I take the basket off her hands.
“How was your Christmas?” she asks as she holds the door open for me and I step outside into the snow-covered parking
lot.
“It was pretty quiet. I spent Christmas Eve with a friend in Carolina Beach then went to my parents house in Wilmington on Christmas Day.”
“Ooh, how was everything with your dad?”
“Well, we didn’t talk at all on Thanksgiving, but it’s hard to be a complete dick in front of company, so he was civil on Christmas. How was your Christmas? Buy yourself something nice online?”
“You bet I did. Bought myself a nice pair of Chanel boots and John got a new snowmobile,” she says as we arrive at the parking space where her silver SUV is parked crooked.
“Wow. That’s a nice gift,” I say as I wait for her to unlock her door. “I hope you didn’t spend your entire bonus on it.”
“I didn’t,” she says as we exchange the basket for the laptop bag. “I’ve been saving up to get him a snowmobile for four years, ever since Janelle went off to college. He loves the snow.” She places the fruit basket in the trunk of her car then climbs into the front seat. “Have a good weekend, kid.”
I stand still as I watch her pull out of her parking space and drive out of the parking lot. It’s funny how a simple phrase can put things into perspective. “He loves the snow.” Sometimes you have to give someone something they love in order to show how much you love them. It seems simple, but sometimes the thing they love has nothing to do with you. And that’s okay.
As I walk to my car, I think of the things I love most: the ocean, surfing, and my family. Claire used to be one of those things, and I still love her, but it’s been a month since she moved on; since we both moved on. Spending Christmas with Lindsay and Kaia only solidified this feeling of closure. I love Kaia. Sometimes I wish I didn’t love her because she’s not mine, but most of the time I don’t know what I’d do if Lindsay were to suddenly stop needing me. All I know is that I’m glad neither of us is ready for a relationship right now. It means we have time to regain each other’s trust before we do anything stupid to lose it again.
And there’s one other thing I know: Lindsay and Kaia are coming with me to Australia in January and March. I hope that, by then, Lindsay and I have figured things out.
Climbing into my truck, I stare at my phone for a few minutes as I try to think of what I’m going to say to Claire—if she answers. Finally, I send the call and wait as it begins to ring… one ring… two rings… three rings….
“Adam?”
I didn’t even think of it until now, but she probably deleted my number from her phone. She probably didn’t recognize my number right away. I don’t know why this feels like a punch in the chest, but it does.
“Yeah, it’s me. Do you have a minute?”
“Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, well, sort of. I’m calling for Cora—actually, I’m calling for Tina. She called me this morning to say that Cora wants to see us—and Senia. Her daughter is putting her in a full-time care facility in Idaho and Cora wants to see us before she leaves.”
She’s silent and I don’t know if this is because she’s upset about the news or upset that I contacted her.
“When is she leaving?” she asks softly.
“Friday, January 2nd.”
“In one week? I’m leaving the 29th and I won’t be back until the following Sunday, the 4th.”
“So… what does that mean?” I know she’s probably going with Chris to California to see her father, like she said she was, but I need to at least try to get her to visit Cora before she leaves.
“It means that the only time I’ll be able to go is tomorrow, and this is really short notice. I’ll see what I can do. I really want to see her. Thank you for calling.”
“Yeah, no problem. You can text me your answer if you’re more comfortable with that.”
“That sounds good.” She’s silent for a moment, then, “I hope you’re doing well.”
I let out a deep sigh to ease the anger building inside me. “Yeah, you too. Take care.”
I hang up before she can say anything else that I may interpret as a patronizing remark, when I know she only means well.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Claire
“What was that about?” Chris asks as I end the call and set the phone back on the coffee table where it was before Adam called.
“Cora. She’s moving into a care facility in Idaho, where her family lives. She wants to see me and Senia before she leaves.”
Chris looks even more worried now than when I was on the phone. “And he’s going to be there?”
“I don’t know. I can ask him to go another time. I can call Tina myself.”
“But you told him you were going to text him. And now he knows the only day you can make it out there is tomorrow.”
I let out a frustrated sigh. “Right. Well, I’m going with Senia, and you could come, if you want.”
He smiles weakly as he shakes his head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
My nerves are buzzing as I try to think of how to handle this situation gracefully. I want to see Cora, but I don’t want to have to do it under the pressure of what Adam and I will say and do when we see each other. And I especially don’t want Chris to worry about that. But I know that I need to settle things with Adam as much as I need to see Cora.
I climb onto Chris’s lap and grab his face. “I know you trust me.”
He leans his cheek into my hand as I brush my thumb over the two days of hair growth on his face, then he grabs my hand and holds it against his chest. “This means something, doesn’t it?” he asks, indicating the ring on my finger.
“It means everything.”
He smiles again, a little wider than the last time, but it still doesn’t reach his eyes. “Then you should go. I trust you. I know I said that the last time you went to Cora’s, but I meant it then and I mean it now. I know you were sort of asleep at the wheel before, just trying to get from one day to the next. But you’re awake now.”
I wrap my arms around his neck and squeeze him tight. We sit like this for so long, feeling totally at peace, that I actually start to fall asleep in his arms.
He rubs my back and whispers in my ear. “Wake up, sleepyhead. You have a text to send.”
I tighten my arms around his neck and smile as I breathe in the scent of his skin. “I don’t want to.”
“Come on, babe,” he says, grabbing my sides and pushing me back. “Just get it over with so you can call Senia.”
I reach behind me and grab my phone off the coffee table then I hold it in front of me where Chris can see as I type.
Me: Okay. I’ll be there tomorrow at noon.
“Happy now?” I say as I send the message then dial Senia’s number.
“Not really. I actually think that made me a little sick to my stomach, but I’ll survive.”
I lay a soft kiss on the corner of his lips as Senia answers the phone.
“Hello?”
“Hey, we’re taking a little road trip tomorrow. Cora’s leaving to Idaho next week and she wants to see us before she leaves.”
“Tomorrow? I can’t go tomorrow,” she replies.
“Why not? It’s a Saturday. You don’t have class.”
“I can’t go. I’m introducing Tristan to my parents tomorrow.”
“You’re telling them about the baby?”
My heart starts racing as I remember the inner turmoil I experienced last night after realizing my period is late. I can’t tell Chris. I can’t bear to get his hopes up; especially since we’ve used protection every single time we’ve had sex except the time we had sex in the shower two days ago, and there’s no way I could get pregnant the day my period was supposed to begin. This is probably just a false alarm. But I need to find a way to sneak away from him soon to take a test. That’s the problem when you live with your fiancé and both of you are on a break from school and work. We spend every waking minute together.
“No, I’m not telling my parents yet!” Senia squeals, and I can hear Tristan in the background asking Senia who she’s talking to. �
��I’m just introducing them to Tristan so I can go to Vegas with you guys next week without them bitching.”
“Oh. But what about Cora?”
“Well, when is she leaving?” she asks.
“Next Friday.”
“I’ll go see her on Thursday.”
“But I won’t be back from Vegas on Thursday. Chris and I are staying a few more days.”
“I’ll go with Tristan and you can go tomorrow with Chris.”
“Chris isn’t going.”
“Why not? It’s not as if Adam’s going to be there.” I’m silent as I wait for her to catch on. “Wait… is Adam going to be there?”
“Yes.”
“Oh….” Her voice trails off and I wait for what seems like an eternity before she finally continues. “I’m sorry, Claire. I still can’t go. I already made the reservation for the restaurant and my dad rescheduled his appointments. Do you hate me?”
“Yes, but not anymore than I did yesterday when you told me about your craving for pig’s feet.”
“You don’t know what you’re missing.”