by Neve Wilder
Other times, we rarely made it out of his apartment.
The sex was amazing, of course. I’d never vibed so hard with someone both in and out of the bedroom. And I’d never had as much fun as I did with him. Messy sex, vanilla sex, kinky sex. We did it all, and Dane never made me feel bad for anything I wanted. He was always game to experiment, and he always took the lead, which was exactly how I liked it. We’d revisited Ace’s Wild a couple of times, too. But mostly it felt as if we were attuned to one another on a level that went deeper than chemical reaction and sexual attraction. There were times when we were locked together, arching and straining and sweating, limbs tangled, mouths colliding, and our eyes would meet. The intensity would wash over me, damn near overwhelming as his heart pounded against mine. It felt soul-deep and right.
On a gorgeous Wednesday in November, I arrived at work, tweaked Mindy’s ponytail in passing, and ducked the pen she threw my way. In my office, I powered on my laptop and examined the windows. Most of them in the old loft space that housed HealthCloud had been painted shut long ago, but I found one that I managed to crack, and chilly fall air poured inside, stirring the papers on my desk as I sat down.
I felt…good. Really fucking good. And I realized with sudden clarity that I hadn’t before, that I’d been going through the motions, shuffling along. I sat there thinking about that, wondering when it had happened. If it’d been after Jason broke up with me. But I thought maybe it had been before—though try as I might, I couldn’t pinpoint an exact reason or moment. So maybe it didn’t matter. Maybe what mattered was how I felt now.
Then Blaine walked in and shut my door, and I knew immediately what was about to happen.
“Fuck,” I sighed as he dropped in the chair across from me, expression grim.
“I’m sorry. I thought you were safe, but Metrotech has decided to bring the entire graphics department in-house.”
“Are they bringing you over?” Blaine was a great boss. I hoped he wasn’t losing his job, too.
“Nope. They say they’ve got it covered. This office will remain open only for sales and a small marketing team. But I’ve got a lead, and I think there might be a spot for you there, too. Have you heard of a design group called Sphere?”
I blinked. “Hell yeah, I have. They’re in New York, right?”
“Yeah. I’m friends with one of the art directors. They’ve got a yearlong contract position open with probable permanency after that. I already told Gil about you. I’m flying up for an interview Monday. They took a look at your portfolio and said they’d like to talk to you, too. If you’re interested?”
“Wow.” I sat back in my chair, a little flabbergasted. Talk about overload. On the one hand, I was getting fired, which sucked. On the other, Sphere was a great company, and though I wasn’t super keen on another contract job, at least it was for a place I’d heard lauded over and over.
And then my heart sank. Because a three-hour drive back to Vintage Ridge was nothing compared to a drive from New York. I worried my lower lip and fidgeted. “That’s really generous of you. And them.”
“You’ll at least talk to them, right? Or are you not interested?” Blaine cocked his head at me. “I thought you’d be excited. Or at least relieved.”
“No, I am. I mean, it’s a great offer. It’s just…” I needed to think for a second, but there was too much noise happening in my brain between getting fired, Dane, and another job in New York. “I want to talk to them for sure. I need a minute to process, though.”
Later that afternoon, after I’d talked with Sphere and agreed to fly up for a meeting along with Blaine, I began cleaning out my office. The termination was as of Friday, and I’d been given severance pay, which was really considerate.
“Come in,” I said to the knock on my door, elbow-deep in files. I glanced up to find Jason leaning against the doorway.
He looked over the mess on my desk and floor, then wandered deeper inside, shutting the door behind him. “I heard about your job. I’m sorry.”
I shrugged. “Thought I was safe there for a while, but I can’t say it was a huge surprise.” I set aside some folders and waited. After the meeting in Vintage Ridge, I’d kept to my side of the building and Jason had kept to his. When I looked at him now, I wasn’t even sure what I’d seen in him in the first place. Dane had that effect. He cast a soft glow over my now, and the relationships in my past seemed like blurry monochrome in comparison.
“Do you have any other leads lined up?”
“I talked to Anya back when the merger happened, but Blaine hooked me up with a lead in NYC. So I have options,” I said with false cheer.
“Oh good. That’s great. New York is great, I guess.”
“Could be, sure.” I reached for the notebook on my desk that he was fiddling with and dropped it into a box. “Something on your mind?”
Jason glanced over his shoulder at the closed door, then rested a hip on the edge of my desk. “I was wondering if you might like to go grab a bite or something? Hang out? Maybe have sex? Take your mind off things?”
I almost choked on my tongue, but his expression didn’t change. “You’re serious?”
“I miss you, Cole.”
“Oh god.” I dragged my hands down my face. “You don’t want to do this. Just turn around now and walk back out the door.” I snorted as the lyrics to the Gloria Gaynor song filled my head.
Jason gave me a confused look as he continued. “I think we were pretty good together. It’s been on my mind a lot lately, and I’d really like to try again. I think I…frankly, I think I made a mistake.”
“You didn’t make a mistake.” I eased upright slowly. “Jason, last weekend my boyfriend tied me to his bedposts and dripped hot wax on me. Then he put clothespins on my nipples and balls and fucked me until I screamed. Afterward, we sat naked in his kitchen and fed each other ice cream. Then I fell asleep with cum in my hair while he stroked my back. His sheets were a wreck, and we didn’t wash them until Sunday. And all of it was fabulous.” I pointed a pen at him before dropping it into the box. “You and I were not good together. We were just…I’m not actually even sure what we were doing. Being in a relationship instead of being alone, I guess? I want to be with someone who doesn’t make me feel shitty about what I like. Or dirty. I wish I’d had the courage to say that to you earlier instead of allowing it to make me feel bad about myself. Hell, I wish I’d had the courage to say that earlier before we both wasted each other’s time being completely incompatible.”
Huh. I’d said boyfriend. Dane and I hadn’t broached that topic in blunt terms, but we’d certainly both made it clear we weren’t seeing anyone else.
“Jesus.” Jason blinked rapidly, seeming undecided between disapproval and dismay.
“Oh yeah, absolutely. There’s been a lot of blasphemy pouring from my mouth lately. So yes, it’s safe to say I’m in no place to try again with you.” I could tell he was trying to tame his horrified expression, but it wasn’t working. He looked like he’d swallowed a rotten lemon.
“You could be a little more diplomatic about it. A simple ‘no, thanks’ would’ve worked fine.”
“The same way you were diplomatic when you said our sex life was boring? That we were boring? Granted, you weren’t wrong. But I’m a lot less boring than I thought I was. And maybe you are, too. Maybe you just haven’t found the right partner who unlocks it for you. Or maybe your perfect partner is someone who truly enjoys douching every single time a body part is going to come in contact with their ass.” I waved a hand; I was getting off track.
“Right. Okay then.” Jason hiked his thumb at the door behind him. “I’ll just go now.”
“Excellent idea. Good luck.”
He threw one last bewildered look over his shoulder at me as he exited, nearly bumping into Mindy’s desk in the process, and I managed to hold in my laughter until he’d disappeared. Then it came out in a great gust that made my stomach ache after.
“Will you spend Thanksgiving wit
h me—with my family, I mean? Aaron and Shay are actually coming this year, too.” On the other end of the line, Dane remained quiet, and I hastened to add, “Is that too much? Or do you already have plans?”
“No. God, I’d love to. It’s…” He fell silent for another beat. “I’m still caught up in you losing your job. I can’t believe they let you go after all that. Do you want me to talk to the graphics department here and see if there’s anything coming open soon?”
I snorted. “No. I can do that myself, and besides, I told you that position is open in New York. I’ve got my headhunter on some other leads. If Metrotech wanted me, they would’ve offered me a job already.”
Dane made a conciliatory noise. “And I still can’t believe you said all of that to Jason.”
I’d filled him in on Jason’s ill-timed come-on right after I told him about my conversation with Blaine.
“It was a little assholish of me, I’ll admit. But the expression on his face made it worth it. I think. I lost good karma points for sure. I should’ve told him about the flogger.”
Dane broke into a loud laugh. That had been an adventure. One that had ended with me toppling us both off the bed as I came.
“That was entirely my fault,” he said.
“Completely your fault. We need a redo. This time with at least 70 percent more restraining.”
“Possibly eighty. We’ll see how wriggly you are next time.”
But even though I’d ended up with a bruise on my hip, this was precisely what I loved about Dane. How organically the sex was integrated into everything else between us, how we could move backward and forward between innuendo and day-to-day conversation and it wasn’t a big deal. We didn’t go to BDSM clubs or anything like that, but we played with whatever we wanted to when the urge struck. Sometimes Dane would initiate, and sometimes I’d go to his drawers and choose something, ask him how it worked. We fucked against walls or on floors as often as we fucked in a bed. It was a mash of tender and filthy, sweet and brutal, and it was everything I’d always wanted but had had no idea how to find. The prospect of leaving that behind? I hadn’t been able to wrap my mind around it yet. But I needed to. And soon.
“Cole?”
“Hmmm?” I snapped back to attention.
“I asked if I should bring anything for Thanksgiving. I could make an apple pie.”
“Bet you could. Fuck, look what’s happened. I now associate anything involving fruit with sex. You’ve brainwashed me.”
Dane laughed. “I bought a cantaloupe the other day and thought of you. I’m saving it for the weekend.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“We’ll see,” I hedged, knowing whatever he had in mind, I’d probably be down for. I took a brief detour to a fantasyland that involved him running cantaloupe cubes over my abdomen, lapping up the sticky sweetness. I could go for that.
We tackled the logistics of Thanksgiving, and then Dane sighed. “I’m really sorry about your job.”
“I know. I am, too. I’m just trying not to think about it right now. It’s shitty timing for a lot of reasons.”
“All around. But we’ll figure it out. And I want to help you if I can in some way.”
I smiled into the receiver even though he couldn’t see it. “You’re helping by spending Thanksgiving with me. I thought you might already have other plans.”
“Nope.” He chuckled. “Actually, I was invited to a potluck, but you’ve now made it very easy for me to say no.”
“Are you sure? Don’t mess up your plans for me.”
“I want to spend Thanksgiving with you.” He cleared his throat. “I’m spending it with you. The end.”
15
Dane
Cole’s house was a lively chaos of activity with a soundtrack of football in the background. I’d been to his house for Thanksgiving one other time, our sophomore year when my parents decided on a last-minute trip to Europe that I refused to go on because it meant I’d miss part of the next week of school. In the end, I’d been glad I’d stayed, greatly preferring the homey Thanksgiving atmosphere of Cole’s house to impersonal hotel rooms or day trips to wineries or art museums.
Cousins raced back and forth between the kitchen, living room, and the back patio, while Cole’s mom, uncle, and Grandma Merkle presided over the cooking.
“Happy Thanksgiving. I’m so glad you came!” Elizabeth wrapped me in a hug as soon as I appeared in the kitchen, and I set down the bottle of wine I’d brought to return it emphatically.
“Is Cole hiding from being put to task?” I asked with a laugh when she released me.
Grandma Merkle scowled. “Yes, he’s—”
“He’s right here, and no, he’s not. He’s being tackled viciously by children with no concept of sensitive body parts or personal space.”
I turned with a grin in time to see Cole twist away from an attempted rib cage tickle attack and then scoop up the child and hoist her, squealing, over his shoulder.
“Gotta live one. Do we need another turkey for the oven, Ma? This one giggles instead of gobbles.”
“We can always use an extra turkey. Is that one plump enough, though?”
The girl shrieked and dissolved into laughter as Cole swung her down and gave her a narrow-eyed inspection. “I think she needs another year or so. Marni,” Cole explained sidelong to me as she scampered off. “My cousin Sara’s kid. Don’t even try to keep track, though. There are way too many.” When he wandered close enough, I reeled him in and pressed a kiss to his cheek.
“Hi.” He murmured the greeting into my ear as I let my hand graze his lower back, the cashmere sweater he’d stolen from my closet on his last visit infinitely soft beneath my fingertips.
At that moment, I decided he should keep it, and plucked at the back. “Navy is your color.”
I felt both Merkle and Elizabeth’s gazes like a weight and turned to find them smiling.
“You’re creeping me out, Ma.” Cole slid from my hold with a subtle caress over my thigh. “You, too, Merkle.”
“Right, it’s just that—” Elizabeth waved her hand. “Never mind. You boys want some juice?” She thumped an open bottle of red wine and winked. “Then I’m shooing you away until dinner’s ready.”
I accepted the glass offered out to me and passed one to Cole as he cocked his head toward the door. “I think Aaron and Shay are back. Sounds like they’re being mauled.”
There was indeed a commotion coming from the front hall. Shortly after, Aaron and Shay appeared, faces flushed from the chill outside. Or maybe the battle through the arms and elbows of all the hooligans running around. Aaron thrust a paper bag toward Elizabeth. “Three stores and we finally found the last two cans of cranberry sauce on Earth. Don’t say I never did anything for this family.”
“Are you sorry you agreed to come yet?” Shay asked as she hugged me while a fresh wave of cousins weaved around us. There were now inflatables involved. Some sort of baseball bat that was getting bopped liberally at body parts, including the back of my thighs. Shay shrilled as she got batted on the backside.
Elizabeth threw her hands up. “Everyone who’s not cooking, get out for God’s sake!”
We scattered to the living room and eventually to the basement, where Aaron, Shay, Cole, and I overtook the old gaming console and plowed through their video game collection until we were called to the table.
Dinner was another boisterous affair, filled with laughter and crosstalk, teasing humor. There was enough food to feed the neighborhood, and a wave of contentment hit me out of nowhere, damn near bowling me over. I’d been lucky in my life that where I’d lacked the kind of warmth I craved at home, I’d found it externally in friends and their families. But Cole reached under the table and slid his hand into mine, and the timing was so prescient that my gut tightened and the corners of my eyes prickled at the idea he might move away. That I’d no longer see him on the weekends, that five hundred miles would separate us rather than a three-hour drive.
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I laced my fingers between his and rested our joined hands on my thigh.
“I’m glad you came,” he said, voice dipping low as dishes clattered around us.
“Did you think for a second I wouldn’t?”
“No, I just didn’t anticipate how…nice it would be to have you here.”
“Again.”
“Again, yes.” He squeezed my hand.
After dinner, we helped with the dishes, and then Cole led me down the hallway to his old bedroom. When I stepped inside, it still smelled perfectly like him. Some of the memorabilia, photos, and posters that I remembered being on the walls were gone, replaced by diplomas and photos that were now framed instead of just stuck into a mirror frame or in a pile.
“We’ve hardly had any time alone today.” He tugged me deeper inside the room.
“It’s Thanksgiving. Comes with the territory, I think. But Christ, you have a lot of cousins. Is Christmas just the same? Are there more?”
His chuckle went breathless as I pulled him closer and brushed my lips over his. He reached out, knocking the door shut before wrapping his arms around my neck and melting into the kiss.
It went on for a long time, spurred by my acute awareness that this cozy haven of non-relationship relationship we’d made for ourselves was approaching an expiration date. When we finally broke the kiss, a pair of photos stuck in the frame of a collage I remembered him making in high school caught my eye.
“College?” I asked, and he turned to see, nodding.
“Sophomore year. Right after I came out. My parents visited. They wanted to make sure I was doing okay, I guess.”
I wandered toward it, studying his features. Fresh-faced, with an adorably lopsided grin. “Were you?”
“Yeah. I hadn’t realized it would be so liberating to just say it aloud. For a long time, I thought it was an either-or situation. As in, I either kept it to myself or I had to be all loud and proud. Like, announce it to the whole family and anyone else who would listen or something.” Cole’s gaze went thoughtful. “But I just told my parents and my roommate and my other good friend and…” He shrugged. “That was all I needed for myself, I guess.”