She hesitated, then shook her head, put a hand around his neck and tugged him close. Her lips parted his, the sweet taste of her filling his mouth and her body wrapping tight around him. He lost himself in her, losing track of where he ended and she began.
Afterward, he held her close until she fell asleep, smoothing a hand over her back and tucking her head beneath his chin as he had every time before. But something was missing. Something that had always been there. The absence of it sent a wave of dread through him.
Logan tightened his arms around Amy, wishing he would hear it. That she would look up at him and say it. But the words never came.
The desperate need weakened him, prompting his heart to pound and his hands to shake against her. He didn’t know what scared him the most. The fact that Amy no longer asked him to love her or what he would say if she did.
Chapter Ten
“No, Kayden.”
Logan sprang behind the line of large racks housing the New Year’s Eve fireworks, scooped Kayden up and tossed him over his shoulder. Kayden squirmed as Logan carried him back across the safe line.
It was almost midnight and so dark Logan couldn’t see his hand in front of his nose. Chaotic bursts of laughter, movement and music clamored on the air across the fields beyond them, but the dark night cloaked everything and very little was visible.
“I distinctly remember telling you and your brother to keep your distance.” Logan flicked his flashlight upward three times and called out, “Found him, Dom.”
The rustle of boots moving over the ground sounded and Dominic stalked out of the darkness surrounding them and into the low lights surrounding the work area. A tall, muscular man ambled up behind him with a pretty redhead at his side.
“I ought to tear your tail up, boy.” Dominic blew out a frustrated breath. It hovered on the air in a white puff. “Your aunt Cissy’s fit to be tied. You ever run off like that again—”
“Uh-oh,” the man at Dominic’s side rumbled. “Better take off now, Kayden. Dom’s on the warpath.”
“Hey, Mr. Colt,” Kayden shouted, writhing in an attempt to get down.
Logan laughed and released him, watching as he skipped over and high-fived the man. Colt Mead. One of Dominic’s fellow bull riders and playboy extraordinaire.
“Glad you could make it, Colt.” Logan shook his hand. “Dom said you might take a break from the circuit and stop in.”
“Yeah.” Colt ran a broad hand through his blond hair. “Gotta get off the road once in a while or you forget where you are.”
“Just as long as you don’t stay in one place too long.” The redhead nudged Colt with her elbow. “There’s a lot of competition out there. You fall behind quick if you don’t stay on top of it.”
Colt cocked an eyebrow and smiled. “Never met a woman who likes to race as much as Jen does. She might get good at it one day.”
“Keep telling yourself that,” she said.
Logan chuckled. Good was an understatement. From what Colt told him, Jen Taylor was steadily climbing the ranks of barrel racers. She was fast, focused and dedicated. Poised to be at the top of her game if she kept at it.
She traveled with Colt and his cousin, Tammy. The trio was a band of close friends and Logan always enjoyed their visits to Raintree.
Jen smiled. “When there’s a break between events, there’s no better place to be than Raintree.”
“Yep,” Colt said. “Even though Dom does his level best to talk me into partnering with him every time I visit. Keeps saying it’s time I retire from the circuit and settle down.” He chuckled. “I still have plenty of rodeo years left in me, though.”
Logan nodded. Next to Dominic, Colt was the most die-hard rider he’d ever met. The man was pure nomad and daredevil. Dom was wasting his time asking him to abandon the rodeo life. Colt wasn’t the type of man to stay put anywhere for very long. Or settle down. He enjoyed the circuit—and women—too much.
Kayden tugged on Jen’s arms for a kiss and chattered a mile a minute about Santa’s recent visit and the approaching fireworks show.
Kayden paused then flashed a hesitant smile. “You can help light the fireworks with me, Ms. Jen.”
“Oh, no,” Dominic stressed. “You’re coming back with me so I can show Aunt Cissy you’re still in one piece.”
Kayden frowned. “But I want to stay back here and help Uncle Logan with the fireworks.”
Logan shook his head. “It’s way too dangerous, Kayden. You can see ’em fine from across the field and it’s much safer for you over there.”
“But Aunt Amy said she’s staying,” Kayden argued, scrunching his nose.
“Well, there’s not much I can do about it.” Logan grinned. “She’s a hardheaded woman.”
“I heard that.”
A jaunty bounce of light grew closer and Logan smiled. He flicked his flashlight up and the glow cascaded over Amy’s curvy form as she approached. Jayden clasped her hand and skipped along at her side.
“You’re in trouble, Uncle Logan.” Jayden giggled. “Better say you’re sorry.”
Logan met them halfway, tapping Jayden’s hat and touching his lips to Amy’s ear. “Sorry, babe. But it’s true.”
Amy harrumphed, her expression playful but strained. Logan knuckled her hat straighter on her head and smoothed a finger over the curve of her cheek, tamping down his frustration.
He’d spent the majority of the week following Christmas coaxing her into bed with him. Her rosy skin glowed, her kisses tasted sweeter than ever and her curves seemed to grow fuller every day. He damn well couldn’t get enough of her and every day that passed heightened his anxiety. She still hadn’t agreed to stay.
“You must be Amy.” Jen reached over the boys and held out a hand. “It’s nice to finally meet you.”
Pleasantries were exchanged and it wasn’t long before Jen was regaling Amy with tales of the barrel racing circuit. Her enthusiasm for the sport was obvious. Colt tensed, shoving his hands in his pockets when Jen described her most recent close call in the arena.
“One of these days, she’s not gonna come out of it so lucky,” Colt grumbled.
Jen shook her head. “Don’t start, Colt. That warning’s ironic coming from a bull rider.” She smiled at Amy. “Men. They’re under the mistaken impression that we’re the weaker sex.”
Amy laughed.
“Fact is,” Jen continued, “we all have our dreams. And if they’re worth imagining, they’re worth chasing.” She winked down at the twins. “I’m determined to reach mine.”
The boys beamed.
“It’s about time to get the show started,” Logan said, clapping his hands together.
The boys practically vibrated with excitement and Kayden begged again to stay behind and light the fireworks.
Amy shook her head. “I hate to say it but Logan does have a point.” She nudged the twins in Dominic’s direction. “It’s much safer for you two to watch from the field with everyone else.”
The boys groaned in disagreement but darted over to Dominic and pushed at his legs.
“Then let’s go so we can get the best seats,” Kayden said.
Dominic shook his head. “We had the best seats until you ran off from them.”
He smiled and led the boys away. Colt and Jen said their goodbyes and followed, all of them disappearing into the darkness.
Logan waved an arm, signaling to a crew of men to start the proceedings. Scattered shouts from the hands rang out as a couple of the crew moved around, testing and reaffirming everything was in order. Logan took Amy’s hand, leading her away from racks of fireworks and farther behind the safety line.
They reached his truck and he released her long enough to rummage inside the cab for another hard hat and set of earplugs.
“Are those
really necessary?” Amy asked as he draped the earplugs around her neck.
“Yes.” He hooked a finger under her straw hat, swapping it for the hard one. “These aren’t backyard firecrackers, Amy. They’re extremely dangerous.”
She glanced up at the brim of the hard hat. “I guess it’ll be worth it.” She smiled. “They might be dangerous but you’ve always put together the most beautiful displays I’ve ever seen.”
“Still do.” He smiled. “Wait ’til July rolls around. I’ll really impress you then.”
His smile slipped. If she was still here.
Amy hesitated, shadows creeping into her eyes. “We need to talk, Logan. About tomorrow.”
Logan tensed. The tight note in her voice unsettled him. Tomorrows. He’d never been on good terms with them.
She tucked her hair behind her shoulders, fingers trembling slightly. “This was the last day I had on leave from work. I planned on heading back to Augusta first thing tomorrow to start the move.”
“But that plan’s changed.” His chest tightened. “It has changed, hasn’t it?”
She stilled, her mouth drawing into a hard line.
“Hey, Logan.” Jed waved a flashlight from his stance by the racks of fireworks. “Countdown’s about to start. You wanna lead?”
Logan frowned and waved him off. “Nah, you go ahead. You know the drill, yeah?”
Jed nodded and signaled with his flashlight to the rest of the group. They began running final checks for the fireworks show.
“Please tell me you’re staying, Amy.” Logan’s gut churned at her stoic expression. “Things have gone well between us the past few weeks and they can continue that way.”
Amy held up a hand. “I want to stay. I really do. But...”
“But, what?” Logan shook his head.
“There’s another consideration,” she whispered. “A small one.”
“What kind of consi—”
“I’m pregnant.”
Logan froze. He watched her mouth and waited. Waited for her to take it back. To say she’d misspoken. That it was all a mistake.
A mistake. God help him. Sara.
“That’s not possible.” He bit his lip, a sharp metallic taste seeping onto his tongue. “The doctors said—”
“The doctors said it was highly unlikely.” She shook her head, features softening. “Not impossible. We’re lucky—”
“Lucky?”
“Yes.” Her mouth tightened. “We’re lucky to have another chance whether we were looking for it or not. Good things can happen just as much as the bad. Life’s given us another gift.”
Her hand dropped to cover her belly. His gut churned and he swallowed hard, looking away.
Sporadic yellow lights flickered over the ground as the hands moved about with flashlights on the other side of the lot, checking the racks and getting into final positions.
“How long have you known?” His voice sounded strange, even to his own ears.
“It was confirmed a couple of days ago. I didn’t want to mention it until I knew for sure.” Her tone gentled. “I’m sure now.”
Sure. Logan’s mouth twisted. She’d been sure when she’d gotten pregnant with Sara. Had been sure their daughter was okay even when he’d insisted something was wrong. Sure they’d deliver a healthy baby girl.
Logan shoved his hands in his pockets and moved away. There was no such thing as being sure. Nothing was ever certain. Not for this pregnancy and not for Amy.
What if...
“We can’t go through this again,” he choked. “What happens when we lose this baby? You think it’ll hurt any less than before?”
“I want this child.” Amy squared her shoulders. “I was told that as long as I’m careful, things may work out. There’s a chance nothing will go wrong this time.”
“As much chance as there was the first time? With Sara?” His voice cracked, his throat tightening to the point of pain. “What about her? She was once part of our family, too. Have you forgotten her?”
She winced, whispering, “I’ve never forgotten Sara. Not for one day. And I never will.” Her chin lifted. “But nothing you or I did caused us to lose her. It just happened. I won’t let the pain of losing Sara stop me from living.” She touched his arm. “Life goes on, Logan.”
He flinched, pulling away. “It shouldn’t.”
A searing heat washed through his chest, flooding it as though his heart was bleeding out.
The shaking in his hands was becoming a violent tremor. “What if something happens to you? I just got you back.”
“You’ve never had me,” she said. “Not really.”
“You’re my wife.”
Amy’s smile was sad. “That’s just a word, Logan. One you throw out to excuse the lie I told. What you use to console yourself every time you give in to me. Something you say to feel honorable for keeping your promise and sticking it out.” She shook her head. “I’m not your wife. I’m just an obligation. Another one of your regrets.”
Pain swept over Logan, leaving him hollow and weak.
“That’s not true,” he said.
A voice boomed over the loudspeaker, signaling the start of the New Year’s Eve countdown. Portfires burst into bright red flames across the lot as the men approached the fuses. The crowd, hidden in the darkness, cheered and the chant began.
Ten. Nine...
“That’s not true,” he repeated.
Seven. Six...
She blinked, her wide green eyes lifting and meeting his.
Four. Three...
“I can make this work, Amy.”
One. Happy New Year!
A massive round of explosions cracked through the air. The black sky burst into color with scattered streaks of light. The boom from the firecrackers echoed through the ground beneath their feet, smoke and ash scattering all around them.
Amy cringed, the green light from above casting an eerie glow over her. Logan pressed his hands over her ears and held her close as the pyrotechnics continued, the explosions sounding closer together and growing louder.
The fireworks stopped. The cheers of the crowd took over and smoke billowed in big, dark clouds around them.
“I can make this right,” he rasped.
Amy yanked at his wrists, pulling his hands from her ears. “There’s no wrong to be made right. This pregnancy will not be another obligation. This baby and I deserve to be loved.”
“Loved?” Logan shook his head. “You don’t know what that means—”
“Yes, I do. You’re the one who doesn’t know what real love is. Everything you offer comes with conditions and expectations. You only accept people when they live up to your standards and can’t forgive them when they don’t.” Her fingers wove into his hair and rubbed over his nape. “You have to believe love exists to be able to feel it. My love isn’t enough for you and your loyalty isn’t enough for me. Neither of us can win. It’s time for us to go our separate ways.”
His legs grew weak. “You can’t go through this pregnancy alone.”
“Yes, I can,” she said. “I’d rather be alone than with someone who could never truly love me for who I am.”
Amy took the hard hat off her head, slid the earplugs from her neck and held them out. Logan took them.
“This pregnancy might not work out,” she said. “I might lose this baby like we lost Sara. It may even hurt worse than it did before.” She hesitated, looking away. “Or, things could turn out differently. I might end up with a healthy child and be happier than I ever thought possible.” She faced him again, her small smile determined. “Maybe I’m a dreamer. Maybe I am still chasing a fairy tale. But I’m not giving up on it. No matter what happens, I don’t want to just exist. I want to live.”
She grabbed h
er hat from the truck and left, her long strides taking her farther and farther away. Logan balled his fists and tried to take a step. Tried to follow. But he couldn’t. His heart, heavy with pain and regret, rooted him to the ground.
Cheerful shouts from the crowd echoed over the field and the rhythmic pound of music drifted on the night air. The smoke cleared and the stars shone brighter than ever.
Logan stood alone again, stuck between the present and the past, waiting for Amy to return. And watching life move on without him.
* * *
FIVE O’CLOCK. AMY TUCKED her watch beneath the sleeve of her sweater and raised her head, looking out at the dark fields before her. The glowing hands on her wristwatch haunted her vision and floated in bright smudges across the landscape on the other side of the porch rail.
She rocked back in her chair and sighed. New Year’s Eve had officially ended and she’d spent the first five hours of New Year’s Day rocking on a porch, staring into the darkness and waiting. Something she’d never been any good at, even under the best of circumstances. And Logan had still not returned to the main house.
She’d known the news of the pregnancy would be hard for him. Had expected it to unsettle him. But she’d also hoped he’d seek her out after recovering from the shock. That she’d have an opportunity to say goodbye on better terms and reassure him that he’d always be welcome in their child’s life.
Only, Logan hadn’t sought her out. The one glimpse she’d had of him since the fireworks show had been his moonlit figure as he’d entered the stable then left with Lightning.
The screen door creaked open. A tall figure emerged onto the porch, taking long strides toward the line of rocking chairs and halting abruptly in front of hers.
“Damn, kid,” Dominic boomed. “You crackin’ dawn in for everyone or what?”
Amy smiled despite her ill mood. “Is that how you say good morning these days?”
Dominic chuckled, plopping down in the chair beside her and cradling a cup in his hands. “Good morning.” He tipped his cup at her, the pleasant aroma of coffee rising with each curl of steam. “You want? Your mama just brewed a fresh pot. It’ll help wake you up.”
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