by Leanne Banks
She sucked in a quick breath. He was so huge and so hard that for a moment Amy wasn’t certain she could take him. She closed her eyes and felt herself accommodate him.
“You are almost too big,” she whispered.
He gave a rough chuckle. “We just need to do this a lot so you’ll get used to me.”
“I’m not sure I’ll ever—” She broke off when he guided her hips upward and down again. Pleasure rippled through her. He did it again, and Amy had never felt so voluptuous in her life. She began her own rhythm, riding him.
He took her breast into his mouth and the sensation zinged all the way to her core. She felt herself clench around him and he began a litany of oaths and prayers. Shuddering, she rode him until she went over the edge in a ripple of endless ecstatic spasms.
Justin thrust inside her, his face clenching from a scalding release. Aftershocks rocked through both of them.
Her knees weak, she gingerly slid to his side and wrapped her arms around him. She had never felt so powerful in a wholly feminine way, and at the same time so defenseless.
He drew her against him. “It’s gonna take a long time for me to get enough of you, Amy.”
Amy sighed and closed her eyes. For this moment, she would allow herself to lean on him and rely on his strength. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if she could always count on him being there for her? The prospect filled her with a joy so intense it shook her. What if this truly didn’t have to end?
Justin helped put her back together, making her laugh with how limp her limbs were as he dressed her. “What happened to your bones?” he asked.
“You melted them,” she said, thinking he had also melted her heart.
He skimmed his hands up her bare legs to her thigh. “I like you like this. I think I’d like to keep you this way. How long did you arrange for the sitter to stay? A week?” he asked with a ridiculous mock-serious tone.
She laughed. “You’re so funny. Around midnight, I turn into a pumpkin.”
Glancing at the clock, he noted the late hour and groaned. “Someday I will have you for a whole night.”
She shuddered with pleasure at his wickedly intent expression. “If no one is sick and we find the right sitter,” she said with a smile. “And the stars are in perfect alignment.”
“It will happen soon,” he assured her and walked her out of the hotel to her car. He helped her into her Volkswagen and kissed her before she left, making Amy feel savored and precious in a way she couldn’t remember feeling before.
On the drive home, though, other, darker realities slid into her mind. Some very important things hadn’t changed. They’d agreed to try this for two years. They’d signed a prenuptial agreement that defined the terms of the end of their marriage. They’d agreed they didn’t love each other.
The final thought cut like a knife.
Justin paid the sitter before Amy could open her purse. “That wasn’t necessary. I could’ve covered it,” she told him.
He waved aside her protest and studied her carefully. She seemed uneasy with him again, and he wondered why. He wouldn’t have thought it possible, but the sensual, giving woman who had taken him to the moon just hours before seemed to have erected a nearly invisible wall during the drive home.
“You’re quiet,” he said.
“I’m tired and I promised Emily I’d give her a kiss when I got home.”
He nodded. “Okay.”
She bit her lip and met his gaze. “You were wonderful during the speech and after,” she said. “Wonderful. Good night.”
Justin felt his mood sink. “Cold feet again?”
She paused, looking conflicted, and he had his answer. He bit back an oath of frustration.
“I think it’s more because of a reality check than cold feet,” she finally said in that too-quiet voice.
“Tonight wasn’t real enough for you?”
She drew in a quick breath. “Our marriage doesn’t feel real to me.”
“Maybe if we slept together—”
“—I don’t think that’s the solution,” she said. “It’s more than that. When we made our vows, I pretended I was giving an order at Burger Doodle so I wouldn’t hyperventilate. We promised to give this two years. If it were real, we would have given it forever.” Her eyes filled with doubt he wanted to banish. She looked down. “We don’t love each other,” she said in a voice edged with pain. “And the cherry on top of the sundae is the prenup agreement.”
Justin tensed. His attorney had warned him that it wasn’t unusual for wives to ask for changes after the marriage. It wasn’t unusual for women to use emotional or sexual blackmail to get more money. Amy wasn’t that way, he told himself. He hoped she wasn’t that way. “What do you mean? Do you believe the agreement was unfair?”
She shook her head. “No, but think about it. A prenup is a plan to divorce. It’s an instruction booklet for how to end our marriage.”
“Are you saying that if we throw out the agreement then you’ll be willing to sleep with me through the night?”
Amy paled. She looked as if he’d slapped her. “No, I’m not saying that at all. You just don’t get it. This is about much more than a stupid prenup agreement. Much more,” she said and walked away from him.
After that, Justin felt a distance grow between them. Amy was polite and kind, but reserved. He felt he’d had something at his fingertips, something precious, and he’d lost it. They had been so close. He’d treasured her trust and generosity.
Now it was gone. Living in the same house with her was painful, much more painful than Justin had ever believed possible. He couldn’t recall a time when he had felt this much pain. Not even when his mother had left him at Granger.
His frustration and dark desperation seemed to grow with each passing hour. One day he ran out to pick up some computer equipment. It took longer than he planned. When he returned, he saw a different, late-model car and pick-up truck in the driveway. Two men were unloading swings. Curious, Justin followed the path to the backyard.
Amy stood talking to the men while they put the finishing touches on a wooden swing set. Emily stood by Amy’s side and the twins ran in circles. Nicholas looked up. “Justin, Justin! We’re getting a swing set!” he hollered. “Right now! And I’m gonna be the first to swing on it.”
“Nuh-uh,” Jeremy said. “I am.”
“Nuh-uh,” Nicholas said. “I am.”
“Nuh-uh,” Jeremy said.
“Nuh-uh,” Emily said. “Aunt Amy and I are gonna ride it first because we’re being nice, and you’re not.”
Nicholas and Jeremy abruptly shut their mouths.
Amy glanced up and smiled at Justin. His heart stuttered. She looked at him with a light in her eyes as if their argument from last week was forgotten. He saw the moment she remembered. Her smile faded. “I bought a swing set.”
“So I see,” Justin said.
“These guys say they can have it up by the time we finish dinner.”
“Woo-hoo!” Nicholas and Jeremy yelled.
“What’s with the different car in the driveway?”
Amy smiled sheepishly. “Part impulse, part practicality. It’s tough buckling those car seats in the Volkswageon. I stopped by an auto sales lot on the way home and voila, I have a new vehicle.”
Justin felt a trickle of unease. “Why didn’t you ask me? I could’ve helped you out with the swing set and car.”
“No, the swing set’s my treat. I’ve been planning this for weeks. And it was time to trade the Beetle.” She laughed, mostly it seemed, at herself. “That’s what payday is for, right?”
His gut tightened. “I guess.”
“Besides, it’ll all balance out with dinner tonight.”
“What do you mean?”
“Cheap meal,” she said. “Okay, you guys, let’s go inside and eat and give these men a chance to get their work done. It might be dark, but we might all get a chance to swing a little tonight.”
She led the kids inside and they r
ushed to wash up for dinner. A vague darkness hovered over him even during the kids’ exuberance. He was concerned about Amy’s purchases. He hadn’t thought she was an impulsive buyer.
He watched her from the kitchen doorway as she chatted with Emily. “Time to eat,” she said and laughed at the boys. “Are you going to be able to sit still enough to eat dinner?”
“How still do we have to sit?” Jeremy asked.
“Just a little bit still,” Nicholas said.
“Good, cuz I feel like jumpin’.”
“I feel like swingin’,” Nicholas said.
“Me, too.”
“Sit down,” Amy said in a sing-song voice, and the boys scurried to their seats. “Sorry for the gourmet fare,” she said to Justin, “but there are times when the only appropriate choice is beanee weenees.”
Justin’s stomach immediately rebelled. His brain screamed in protest. A flurry of images raced through his mind. His mother once bought him a shiny fire truck and herself a new dress and shoes. For dinner, they’d eaten beanee weenees. Another time at Christmas, his mother had bought herself a new refrigerator and television and for Justin she had bought video games. The electricity had been cut off due to lack of payment, and he remembered eating beanee weenees cooked in the fireplace. He had eaten beanee weenees himself when he’d been putting every penny into his trading account in an attempt to form the security he’d never experienced as a child.
It was just too much.
He went to Amy and spoke in a low voice for her ears only, “I’m going to my house. I’ll let you know when I’ll be back.” He didn’t wait for her response. He just walked out the door.
Hours later, Justin sat on the leather sofa in the darkness of his home pre-Amy. The silence was initially soothing, but now it felt too quiet. He’d grown accustomed to the creaks and groans of Amy’s older home and the sound of children’s chatter and Amy’s musical voice. He’d grown accustomed to limited solitude.
Glancing at the clock, he thought he might be helping to tuck in one of the twins or reading a book with Emily. And after the kids were put to bed, Justin never stopped feeling Amy’s presence. She could be at the other end of the house or asleep when he was not, but he always felt her presence.
He wondered if she ever longed for him during the long hours between darkness and morning. He wondered if he would ever stop longing for her. He felt as if he could see the missing piece to the puzzle of his life, but he couldn’t hold it, and it frustrated the hell out of him.
He’d returned to his house for solitude and peace, but the solitude was suffocating and there was no peace in sight.
Later that night, the phone woke him out of a restless sleep. Justin automatically answered it.
“Hi, this is Michael. I just heard from Dylan and I thought you might want to go see him. He’s at the hospital.”
Alarmed, Justin sat straight up in bed. “He’s hurt?”
“No. Alisa Jennings was in some kind of accident. It’s serious. She’s unconscious in ICU and Dylan’s determined to camp at the hospital until she wakes up.”
“How did Dylan know she was hurt?”
“Apparently her mother’s out of the country on an extended trip, so they couldn’t reach her. They found Dylan’s business card in her purse, so they gave him a call. He doesn’t sound good. I’ll get over there soon, but you’re closer to the West County Medical Center. I tried calling you at your bride’s house first,” Michael said and let the question hang between them.
“I needed some time to think,” Justin said.
“Hmm. Okay. Don’t take too much time,” Michael advised as if he’d learned something along the way about waiting too long. “I’ll see you at the hospital.”
Pulling on his clothes, he grabbed his car keys and left for the hospital. After getting two cups of coffee from a machine, he found Dylan in the ICU waiting room, staring unseeing through the glass door at the nurse’s station. Dylan, the most outwardly carefree guy Justin had ever met, looked as if he were facing death itself.
“Hey,” Justin said, offering him a cup of coffee. “What happened?”
Dylan accepted the coffee, but didn’t drink it. “She was running after a neighbor’s dog that got loose and a car hit her.”
“Oh, God,” Justin said. A picture of Alisa as a child slid through his mind. “She was such a sweet kid, and she grew up to be a beautiful lady. This is a damn shame. What’s the prognosis?”
“They won’t tell me much,” Dylan said. “Serious head injury, internal injuries. They don’t know if she’s gonna wake up at all,” he said, his voice desolate.
“Did they let you see her?”
Dylan hesitated. “Yeah. I told them I was her fiancé.”
Justin did a double take. He’d known Dylan had carried a torch for Alisa, but he hadn’t known the man was this determined.
“It was the only way I could make them talk to me. Besides, her mother is on one of those trips to Europe and Russia where they move around every two or three days. Alisa may not want me right now,” he said grimly, “but she damn well needs me.”
“How long have you been in love with her?”
Dylan gave a wry humorless laugh. “Forever. She’s what I wished for before I knew how to wish, but I screwed up big time when we got together in college. I was so full of myself. I didn’t treat her well. I’m paying now. God, if she dies, I don’t know what I’ll do.”
“But you haven’t been together,” Justin said.
“You don’t understand,” he said looking at Justin with stark eyes. “Just knowing she exists and is alive makes the world right for me.”
Justin felt an echo of recognition inside him at Dylan’s words. Knowing Amy existed made the world a better place for him. He wondered what he would do if something like this happened to Amy. Just the thought scared the living daylights out of him.
What if Amy died? What if she wasn’t even on the earth? What if he lost even the possibility of being with her?
Justin’s stomach churned with nausea.
“When you’re in love,” Dylan said, raking a hand through his sun-streaked hair, “there’s only two places in the world—where she is and where she’s not.”
Justin sat with Dylan through the long night, but in his mind, he was going home to Amy. That was exactly what he did the following morning. On the way to her house, he called his attorney and instructed him to dissolve the prenup agreement. When his attorney argued against it, Justin would have none of it. “Either you cancel it, or I’ll pay somebody else to cancel it.”
Pulling into the driveway at dawn, he felt a sense of resolve that went deeper than his bones. He strode into the house and headed upstairs.
Amy’s voice stopped him. “How is Alisa?” she asked quietly from behind him.
He slowly turned to face her and drank in the sight of her in a nightshirt. He shook his head. “She’s still unconscious, still in ICU.”
She crossed her arms as if to hug herself. “It’s terrible. I couldn’t sleep. I tried to call you after Michael called me, but you must’ve already left for the hospital.”
“Yeah, Michael’s with him now. I needed to see you.”
Amy nodded. Her nerves were shot. “You’re right. I need to talk to you.”
Justin held up a hand. “I have something to tell you.”
Terrified he was totally giving up on their marriage, she shook her head and spoke in a rush. “No. I need to say I’m sorry. I know this has been impossible. I’m sorry I haven’t been anything resembling a wife. I’ve just been so determined and so scared,” she said, that admission costing her, “that I shouldn’t rely on you. Justin, you’re so strong. You’re the strongest man I know, and I want to rely on you, but at the same time I’m afraid to do that. There has never been anyone I could rely on. Both my parents were alcoholics and I learned at a very early age to be self-reliant. I don’t know how to be more balanced,” she confessed, feeling her throat tighten with emotion. “But I
’d like to learn with you.”
Justin walked closer and stared at her. “I called my attorney on the way from the hospital.”
Amy’s stomach sank. He was already initiating a separation. She was too late.
“I told him to cancel the prenup. I want you to marry me, Amy,” he said.
Her head reeled. Unable to assimilate his words, she shook her head in confusion. “I don’t understand. I thought you’d had enough of our marriage and wanted out.”
“I’ve had enough of pretending this is temporary, because it’s not temporary for me,” he said, slamming her heart into overdrive with his revelation. “I can’t explain it, and I know it sounds weird as hell, but I think you and I were meant for each other. You are the woman I would have wished for if I’d known you existed. You make the world make sense to me. I don’t—” He broke off. “Why are you crying?” he asked in horror.
Overwhelmed, Amy felt tears slide down her cheeks. “I thought you were leaving for good.”
He pulled her into his arms and held tight. “No, the beanee weenees pushed a button, but—”
“Excuse me?” she said. “Beanee weenees?”
“Long story,” he said. “It’s one of those bad memory foods.”
She winced. “They’re Jeremy’s favorite.”
“He can have my share.”
Being in his arms filled Amy with such warmth and hope. “I don’t understand what you were saying about the prenup.”
“Cancelled,” he said. “We don’t need a prenup.”
“You didn’t have to do that,” she said, knowing it had been important to his sense of security. More than anything Amy wanted Justin to feel all the security and love he’d missed as a child. She wanted to be the woman to give it.
“Yeah, I did,” he said. “I want a lifetime with you. I want a commitment with you with every possible string attached. I don’t want you to get away.”
Her eyes filled with tears again. “I have been so afraid of loving you, but I do. I love the child you were, the man you are and I want the chance to love the man you’ll become.”