by Lyra Parish
I laughed at her. "No. Sarah made me think you had something going on."
Jenny stopped walking and crossed her arms. "You know what her problem is? She's tried to fuck them all and they've all denied her. Why? Because she's a bitch. I swear I'm going to get her kicked off this tour. I don’t care how many shows we have left."
We stepped onto number six together and everyone was already in bed.
"What time is it?" I whispered to Jenny because it was eerily quiet.
Loudly she said, "Two a.m."
Where had the moments gone? Time was so precious—something that could never be bought or sold or given back and Ace had stolen it; or rather, I had given it to him willingly.
No regrets.
24
Ace
Another show, another set of songs, another crowd of screaming people, but I couldn't be more excited. I'm not sure the show was to blame. I stared out the window of the bus and watched the scenery change before my eyes. It looked like it would rain outside. That would either make for a fun messy show or one that would be cancelled if there was lightening. I picked up my phone, unable to take it any longer.
Me: Hey babe.
Elizabeth: Morning...babe.
I couldn't stop smiling.
Me: I meant every word.
Elizabeth: I did too.
Me: I wish you were here.
Elizabeth: Stop the buses and I'll join you.
Me: If only I had the power to do that.
Elizabeth: Don't you? ;)
Me: Tease.
Elizabeth: You invented the word. Remember?
Me: And you wrote the definition.
I could imagine her face right now. I bet she was smiling as much as I was. I hadn't seen her all day since we were traveling to the next venue. I was glad I broke through her hesitation and she went with me. If I didn't care about her, I would have taken her right there on my bed. But this was different and I didn't want to rush. I didn't want to deny the things I felt. I smiled thinking about it and I couldn't wait to see her again.
"If you're going to do the whole relationship thing, you should keep it under wraps. People are starting to notice you’re acting different," Jex said.
"People, or you?" I wouldn't be put under his scrutiny.
"I'm just saying. You wanted to protect Elizabeth and have tried to bury this big secret, but then you're changing your act. Read the most recent article online? Playboy has turned in his title. Keep it up and no one will take her seriously. Is that what you want?"
"Me being happy should be all that matters to you or anyone."
Jex walked to me and gave me a big brotherly hug, beating his large hand on my back. "I want you to be happy, but we have a show to put on. Don't you forget it."
I narrowed my eyes at him. "I take this seriously, Jex. You don't have to worry about that. And the truth is, maybe I'm handing over my playboy title. But why would it matter? You fuck the groupies I bring on stage. I think I'm done."
He sighed. "You know what I'm saying, Ace. I'm not telling you to bring them back. Okay? I want you to be happy, little brother. Don't change your act. It's an act, if you get my drift. We don't need a Yoko to fuck up what we have going on."
All I could do was sarcastically laugh. For once in half a decade I found someone who I'm interested in and now this?
"She's not a fucking Yoko. She's not Misty either. You know nothing about Elizabeth. And don't worry about me. I'll handle this."
Jex poured himself a shot of tequila, raised it toward me, then walked back to the couch. I tightened my fist and was halfway tempted to punch the shit out of the refrigerator but didn't.
This was my life and I'd do who and what I wanted—plain and simple.
That wasn't an act.
The bus pulled into the venue and I waited in the bus all day until it was showtime. I stepped off and stretched, hoping to see her but she never came out. I didn't want to text her and ask her where she was because I liked to give people their space, but it was driving me crazy. Time passed and I couldn't wait any longer. Fuck it.
Me: Waiting for you.
Elizabeth: I'm going to be a little longer. Trying to finish up my articles for Phase.
Me: All righty. See you soon.
Elizabeth: Yes you will.
Nik hurried off the bus and walked past me. I knew it was close to go time.
"Is it supposed to rain?" I asked, looking up at the dark gray clouds as we crossed the parking lot. I popped my fingers, allowing the built up energy to flow through me.
"Maybe. This is why we need to hurry," he grinned at me.
"You are like that song. Only happy when it rains, you dark soul, you."
"You have no idea," Nik said and was practically running across the parking lot and I tried to keep up.
"You won't melt," I said and he laughed at me.
Miley walked past him at an even faster pace and they exchanged looks with one another and she turned around, smiled at him and shot daggers at me.
"What was that about?" I caught up to Nik.
"What?"
"It's scary when she smiles," I said.
"Hmmm. Don't know."
I narrowed my eyes at him, not believing a word he said.
"No," he said, before I could start asking questions. "I don't mix business and pleasure."
"I hope you're not insinuating anything," I said, only halfway joking.
"Maybe, maybe not."
We took the stairs two at a time that led down a hallway and took an exit that brought us to the stage. It was a weird basement type hallway that broke off in different places under the venue. We met Rex and Jex and did our pre-show huddle. It was something that we had done every show since we were kids. My dad started the tradition when we wanted to rip each other's throats out. Brotherly bonding, he would say.
Thunder boomed in the background and we all looked at each other.
"This show is going to kick so much ass," Nik said.
I shook my head at him with a smile. He was the brother that loved getting dirty.
"I'm imagining all those people on the lawn getting muddy," I said.
"I actually like watching them fall," Rex said.
"You're sick," I said.
"What? It's hilarious!" he said.
"Let's put on the best damn show we can tonight," Rex said, then glanced over at me. I hoped he wasn't insinuating anything either. I'd take his advice and I'd put on an act, but no more random women. I was done with it.
We exchanged a big group hug, then took our guitars from the technicians and waited while all the lights faded away onstage. Rex walked on first and started a low drum roll. Nik walked across the stage and did a single strum in drop D with full distortion on. The guitars rang out in protest and the crowd's screams met it with the same intensity. I could already feel their energy and knew that I'd walk away exhausted from this show, but I welcomed it. I walked on and strummed an open note without distortion and Rex ran his fingers up and down the frets of the bass, not missing a note. We all stopped playing at the exact moment when the lights flashed on. I lifted my arms at the crowd then played the first note of our opener and that's when the bottom fell from the sky.
People danced in the rain and others tried to move under the awning to keep covered, but none of them left. Everyone stayed and listened and sang with me. The crowd and I were like one. It was one of the most beautiful, energetic shows I had ever played.
25
Elizabeth
Before the show started, I wrote up an email to send to Shelia—my help. She had sent me an email earlier in the week and thanked me for my instructions. I think Jack hated her as much as he hated me. Poor girl. She'd have a rough time like I did.
My phone rang and I noticed it was my mom. I smiled and picked up the phone. I had so much to tell her about the tour and Ace, but I immediately knew there was something wrong. Her voice wasn't cheery and her mom tone wasn't present. She sounded defeated.
/> "Your dad is in the hospital," she said between sobs. I could barely understand her, and then it clicked what she had said. I stopped everything I was doing and the smile faded from my face. I closed my computer and grabbed my camera for the show. Then I sat down on Jenny's bunk and placed my face into my hand, trying to hold back the burning sensation inside of my nose, but I couldn't.
"Mom, what happened?" I asked, trying to calm down and not be too hysterical. I listened to her cry on the phone and made out the words heart attack, hospital, and intensive care unit. Nothing that I could have said would have comforted her. This is what my nightmares were made of.
I sucked in a ragged breath as she sniffled on the other line.
"I'll take the next flight out first thing in the morning."
"No. You can't. You would be no help. The visiting hours are very limited, Liz. Honey, I had to tell you so you would know what was going on."
"I want to be there for you and Dad." I wanted her to know I would drop everything for family. I owed so much to my father, my love for music, and my ability to play. I would have never made it this far in this industry without his support, and I owed my parents everything.
"Mom. Please. This is serious. If I don't come home and something happens, I will never be able to forgive myself," I said.
She was trying to talk through tears and it was too much.
"You know your father wouldn't support that," she forced out.
We sat in silence. She was right. She was always right.
"Mom." I begged.
"Finish your job. Do what your father would want you to do. Okay, sweetie?"
My voice was small, but I forced out an okay.
She sucked in another deep breath and got out a single ‘I love you’ before she told me she had to go. My heart was breaking. I hung up the phone and sat there and allowed the emotions and tears to take control. I couldn't imagine losing my father.
I wiped my cheeks and took my hair out of the ponytail to help hide my face. When I cried, my nose turned red and my cheeks swelled. My eyes went puffy and it was hard for me to cover it up, but I'd try.
When I walked outside, the bottom had fallen out of the sky. Someone had given Mother Nature the message and she had cried with us, covering everyone in her tears.
I moved my gear closer to my body and ran across the parking lot as fast as I could, happy for the water. It'd cover up my somberness. When I took the stairs to the venue, it was the first time that I didn't want to be there. Not tonight. I wanted to be back in California sitting with my parents talking about the beach, music, and life. A single tear strolled down my face and I hurried and wiped it away.
I took my time walking the long hallway that led under the stage to the ground floor in front of the stage. There was a platform in front of the sound booth that put me almost eye level with the crowd. Jenny recommended the spot, and I knew once I stood on it, it would be perfect. When I got in place, I realized it was cold and I didn't expect it to be, but it could have been from being drenched from the downpour.
The brothers had already taken the stage and the set was at least two songs in, maybe even three. I turned around and looked up the hill where people were sitting and standing on the lawn as the rain soaked them. Some were smart and brought ponchos and others wore nothing but the clothes on their back. They stood in the rain, allowing it to cover their bodies and faces, and sang with everything they were.
The thousands of dedicated fans were a sight to see, but even with all of that, I couldn't concentrate on anything. I moved about robotically, snapping one picture at a time. Luckily the brothers were so photogenic, it made my job easy. Song after song and I stood in the same place, ready for it to all be over so I could crawl into my shell and stay there until tomorrow.
Ace continued to work the crowd. Women acted the same in every city and it was almost annoying to watch. I leaned my shoulder against the cold metal of the stairs railing and let my camera hand fall to my side. Ace made eye contact with me and I was hypnotized by his every move. I knew I looked like a mess with my hair pasted to my forehead and my clothes completely soaked, but I absorbed him like a sponge. For almost the entire song I was stuck in a trance watching him, allowing him to take my thoughts away for once.
"I want you to see. Want you to see reality. Your love is a poison that I'd like to drink. To feel the beat, one more time. The beat of my heart. You're mine." His voice was smooth and velvety, and I felt like those words were meant for me. I don't think I took a single picture worth anything for the rest of the show.
When “One Night Stand” came on and Ace called a woman onto the stage, my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach. Had it all been for nothing? Was last night a dream? My emotions were in a whirlwind and I couldn't handle much more heartbreak tonight. No, not tonight.
I rushed from the crowd as soon as the tall brown-headed woman in stiletto heels hit the stage. Her fingernails ran down his stomach. The thought of him fucking her, like he had so many women before her sickened me. After receiving the call that my father had a heart attack, it seemed that none of this mattered. I had to get away right at that moment. It was too much. I couldn't be seen in a moment of weakness such as that.
I heard the drums beating and Ace's note fade away. I stood in the hallway with my back pressed against the cold stone, crushed. I couldn't care anymore. It all had to stop. When I knew the show was over, I walked down the long hallway alone. The only lights leading the way were the random exit signs placed throughout.
When I closed my eyes, all I could see was Ace's eyes on me while I took photos from the ground floor. Maybe last night he had blown smoke up my ass—feeding me lies that I’d eaten bite by bite.
"Where are you going?" he yelled down the hallway but I didn't stop.
"Why do you care?" My words came out harsh, mean, and I shouldn't have said them but sometimes the truth had to be spoken into existence.
Ace grabbed my arm as I tried to keep walking but he pulled me close to him. I could feel his warmth, smell his cologne and sweat from the performance, and a part of me wanted to fold into his arms and have him tell me everything would be okay. But he wasn't the kind of man who comforted women, was he? Tonight he showed me he was the kind of man who used women then pushed them away. Right? Wasn't he? I didn't know the answer to that anymore. The man he had shown me right then wasn't the man I saw on stage. Maybe I was the fool.
He placed his hand under my chin and forced me to look at him.
"It's nothing more than an act, Elizabeth. Sometimes you have to take risks. Sometimes you have to step out of the box. And do you know what the most beautiful part of that is? I choose you."
I opened my mouth and closed it. "I don't have brown hair and wear slutty shoes. Don't you have someone you should be getting to?"
He grabbed my hand and kissed my knuckles. "Elizabeth. I can tell something is wrong."
"If only you were the god that you pretended to be."
It was a low blow; even I knew that.
His forgiving eyes searched mine and he pulled me close to him until my body pressed against his, then wrapped his arms around me and I had no choice but to wrap my arms around his. I didn't care if he was sweaty. I felt the emotional wall begin to crumble and I tried not to cry. I couldn't, not right there. There was a caring person behind that hard shell and I had felt his softness as I did at that moment. Being held made me feel safe and comforted my roller coaster of emotions.
"Look, Elizabeth, I know I'm a dick. I know there were times when I was a huge jerk toward you and I'm sorry for that; it's..." His voice was low and his mouth was close to my ear.
I couldn't help but to hold on to each word he said. As Ace held me, it was easy to feed the fantasy of being with him and forgetting about it all. Being this close to him made it even worse. I could smell the mix of his skin and sweat and feel the pounding of his heart as he touched me. We released our embrace and his hands softened on my arms as he gently rubbed his f
ingertips across my skin. Little pins and needles ran through me as bumps formed down my arms.
"Finish what you were going to say," I said. "It's what?"
He opened his mouth and closed it as I stared at his plump bottom lip. I waited and when he didn't say another word, I pulled my arms from his light touch.
"Ace, baby?" A high-pitched voice said behind us. Ace removed his hands from me and turned around. As soon as he did, I made eye contact with his random fuck for the night and looked back at him, broken. I thought we had shared something special and to think that it was all for nothing made me question everything. His kisses had captured me and I know he felt it too. He had to. Or maybe it was all a lie.
If she were nothing, why wasn't she escorted off the stage with the others and why did she linger? Questions hit me in full force—questions I didn't have the right to ask or deserve the answers to. The reality of the situation slapped me in the face; I was no one special.
I looked her up and down and realized I was completely opposite. The woman shook her hips as she walked and puckered her lips when she said his name again. She even used baby talk. Are you kidding me? I looked back at him with nostrils flared and walked away. How stupid was I to believe he had changed?
"Liz," he said, ignoring the woman.
"Don't call me that." My heart shook because my father has always called me Liz. I slammed the stage door behind me and leaned against the side of the building, alone, as elephant-sized tears rolled down my face. I was crying for my father and for my heart that was slowly breaking into small pieces. Everywhere I looked, I saw no progress. When Jack reviewed my article I'd probably be released from duty. Maybe when I got back to California, I would look for a new job at a local newspaper or something because if I returned empty-handed, I'd be fired anyway.
I sat with my back against the coolness of the building and cried until my body was completely empty, void of emotion. An hour or so must have passed and I'm sure Ace was busy on his bus making that woman's night. The normal chatter from the technicians filled the space as they made hundreds of trips back and forth from the back of the venue. Though I couldn't wait to get home, a small part of me would miss being on tour. I had made friends for life and felt things that I thought were lost long ago, but I needed to stop living in a fairy tale because soon this would all be over and I'd be back home, in the real world.