AMERICA’S GALACTIC FOREIGN LEGION
Book 16: Galactic Disney
by
Walter Knight
and
James Boedeker
In this sixteenth installment of the perpetually preposterous military science fiction series, Colonel Joey R. Czerinski has his hands full when the Legion’s own world-famous science fiction writer, Private Knight, gets some psycho backup from new recruit Private Randal Telk. Things are never going to be the same for the United States Galactic Foreign Legion or planet New Colorado.
As construction of the new Galactic Disney theme park nears completion in New Colorado’s New Gobi Desert, suspicion escalates between humans and spiders. On opening day, the Legion employs more than fairy dust and magical mice to provide security, mounting missiles and machine guns as backup in the ‘Escape from Spider Mountain’ ride. The Legion’s goal is to keep the peace – but, as humans and spiders alike realize, peace is a relative concept.
A former legionnaire baseball star returns for an exhibition game, upsetting Colonel Joey Czerinski’s plan to hedge his bet. Joey Junior, a chip off the old Czerinski block, joins the Legion, while Mom goes back to her terrorist ways. Meanwhile, Private Telk and his infamous 396 steps to sexual bliss add a whole new dimension to the term ‘psychosis’ as the way-out, off-the-wall wackiness continues.
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AMERICA’S GALACTIC FOREIGN LEGION
Book 16: Galactic Disney
by
Walter Knight
and
James Boedeker
Licensed and Produced through
Penumbra Publishing
http://PenumbraPublishing.com
ELECTRONIC EDITION
EBOOK ISBN/EAN-13: 978-1-938758-00-3
Copyright 2012 Walter Knight and James Boedeker
All rights reserved
Also available in PRINT ISBN/EAN-13: 978-1-938758-01-0
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, planets, asteroids, alien species, evil empires, galaxies far, far way, or future events and incidents, are the product of the author’s imagination, or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons or aliens, living or dead, events or locales including those on Mars and New Colorado, is entirely coincidental.
Licensing Note: This ebook is licensed and sold for your personal enjoyment. Under copyright law, you may not resell, give away, or share copies of this book. You may purchase additional copies of this book for other individuals or direct them to purchase their own copies. If you are reading this book but did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, out of respect for the author’s effort and right to earn income from the work, please contact the publisher or retailer to purchase a legal copy.
~AUTHOR ACKNOWLEDGEMENT~
I dedicate America's Galactic Foreign Legion – Book 16: Galactic Disney to American hero Richard Jewell. Also, I am proud to introduce my friend and new author James Boedeker, whom I thank for doing this collaboration. A special thank you goes out to Penumbra Publishing editor Patricia Morrison, a special talent and friend.
AMERICA’S GALACTIC FOREIGN LEGION
Book 16: Galactic Disney
by
Walter Knight
and
James Boedeker
PART I
Chapter 1
I am Colonel Joey R. Czerinski, Hero of the Legion, Butcher of planet New Colorado, and commander of the United States Galactic Federation Foreign Legion garrison troops in the DMZ border town of New Gobi City.
America was poised to take its rightful place as leader of the galaxy. My mission: to oversee construction and operation of Galactic Disney, to be built right here in New Gobi City. America’s crown jewel would tower above the desert, snubbing its nose at the Arthropodan Empire, enticing the spiders with Mickey Mouse and Tinkerbell, and Americanizing New Colorado once and for all.
I gazed at construction on the centerpiece of Galactic Disney, the ‘Escape From Spider Mountain’ roller-coaster exhibit, progressing nicely. Secret anti-aircraft sites were hidden at the summit. Drones disguised as Tinkerbell pixies kept watch from above. Mickey Mouse carried an assault rifle. I had learned to always expect the worst and believed in being prepared. Everything in the New Gobi Desert pokes, stings, or bites, and it would be no different on this mission. It would only be a matter of time before the spiders fought back. Mickey and Tink would kick-ass if needed.
Being the local Legion commander entitled me to ten percent of profits, and I was determined to make ‘the happiest place in the galaxy’ an unqualified success. Legion headquarters was moved to Galactic Disney, located under the Spider Mountain ride, complete with dungeon to accommodate troublemakers, terrorists, and Democrats. Legionnaires manned the entry points. Bringing wholesome family resort entertainment, retail, and fine dining to the galaxy was a tough job, but someone had to do it. I still needed to figure out where to put my casino.
* * * * *
The Governor of the North Territory ordered the spider commander to issue a building permit allowing the human pestilence Galactic Disney to trespass into the Arthropodan Empire. Galactic Disney was to be part of a broad economic plan of joint Arthropodan and human pestilence businesses thriving along the DMZ. Spiders and human pestilence had equal access to Galactic Disney, and shared profits.
However, to the spider commander it seemed wrong. Spider hatchlings wore those ungodly ugly Mickey Mouse ears that legionnaires gave away free at the front gate. It was bad enough that youth listened to human pestilence rap music and wore droopy drawers, but now hatchlings donned the big ears of Old Earth vermin rats? It did not seem right.
Fear of cultural imperialism was an outdated concept, gone with the acceptance of Walmart and McDonald’s, skateboards, and Nike sportswear, but those big ears were wrong! Mickey Mouse and the other Old Earth invasive pests had to be stopped!
As the spider commander tossed his empty Starbucks coffee cup aside, he eyed the tarps covering construction atop Spider Mountain.
“Czerinski and the human pestilence are up to no good, as usual, and I will prove it!” shouted the spider commander, shaking his claw. “The human pestilence ‘Wonderful World’ will not be allowed to spread their toxic pixie dust. I will stop the Merry Mad Rodent and his Mickey Mouse Club forever!”
* * * * *
As construction neared completion, I invited my counterpart from across the DMZ to a courtesy ride on the Spider Mountain roller coaster. The spider commander seemed dubious, but with the media present, he had a hard time backing down. “Your amusing ride does not look safe,” he announced. “My new Military Intelligence officer will ride in my place. Examining human pestilence technology is his specialty.”
“We all do what is necessary for world peace and détente,” I added, smiling for the press. “And a bit of pre-opening publicity can’t hurt either.”
“Please sign this waiver of liability,” requested Major Lopez, my XO. “Don’t worry, it’s just a formality suggested by the lawyers. That, and Disney may want to use the video for commercials. Even aliens love Galactic Disney. Right?”
“I’m not signing anything,” replied the Military Intelligence officer. “I heard about your human pestilence lawyers and their fine print.”
“Just do it!” ordered the spider commander, losing his patience. “This contraption can’t be any more dangerous than combat.”
The Military Intelligence officer grudgingly signed the waiver. Aides unpacked food and beverages for the spider commander. It was a festive atmosphere, and the spider commander invited the press to join him for a picnic.
“Usually we don’t allow food and beverage past the gates,” I advised. “
We have many concession stands.”
“And risk being poisoned by Lopez and his CIA buddies?” scoffed the spider commander. “No way, José. Besides, I know of your theme park inflated pricing system. I will not be cheated by your human pestilence money-grubbing schemes!”
“Isn’t it ironic that one day,” interrupted Phil Coen of Channel Five World News Tonight, “you’re shooting at each other, and the next, you’re riding a roller coaster together as friends and allies at Galactic Disney?” He shot me a phony smile. “The Butcher of New Colorado on an amusement park ride with spiders. Who would have thought that possible?”
“I’m not getting on that thing,” I answered. “I’m afraid of heights.”
“Oh come on, Czerinski,” goaded Coen. “A mighty Hero of the Legion like you isn’t afraid of anything, are you? You’re not chicken, are you?”
“Shut up, Coen, or I’ll strap your ass to the tracks.”
“We are broadcasting live to the galaxy,” admonished Coen. “How about you, Major Lopez? Are you braver than your commander.”
“Fuck you, bendaho.”
“Yes, Lopez is riding,” I corrected. “That’s an order. Think of all the votes you will get, Mr. Future VP.”
“You’re a punk,” advised Major Lopez, as he joined the line of spiders boarding the roller coaster. “If I die, I’ll get you for this!”
“Smile for the cameras.”
* * * * *
The roller coaster cars slowly trudged up Spider Mountain. At the top, they paused for the view, then raced down, doing an upside-down loop, splashing through water, and entering a dark tunnel. The press and visitors took photos as the cars raced by. Major Lopez waved back, giving me the one fingered salute. Thrilled spider marines fired their weapons in the air.
Leaving the tunnel, the cars jumped the tracks on a curve, spilling riders through the air. It was horrible. A total disaster. Not good.
Miraculously, some survived. Major Lopez and a few spiders were dumped into Peter Pan Lake, saved by the cushioning effect of the water. The spider Military Intelligence officer popped up next to Lopez. They both shared a moment of relief.
However, in keeping with the Peter Pan Neverland theme, the lake had been stocked with crocodiles. Just when it seemed safe to go back into the water – chomp! – the spider Military Intelligence officer was gone in a splash and death roll. Major Lopez climbed atop a floating car, shooting at any ripple in the water.
Talk about bad press!
* * * * *
The spiders’ reaction was immediate. Arthropodan jets screamed low overhead, bombing and strafing Spider Mountain, Sleeping Beauty’s Castle, and several crocs. Rockets arced up from the summit, downing several aircraft. Soon smoke rolled out from Spider Mountain as it caught fire like a big volcano. I put a pistol to the spider commander’s head. “Order the bombing to stop, or you will not survive the day!”
“Fine! I expect to be repatriated immediately.”
“You stay. You’re not shocked and awed enough yet.”
“Does this mean the grand opening of Galactic Disney will be delayed?” asked Phil Coen of Channel Five World News Tonight. “Keep filming! I want all of this!”
“This is just a minor bump in the road,” I advised, as Legion jets fired smart bombs at spider marine headquarters in New Gobi City. “The free publicity may even help.”
“Stop bombing civilians!” demanded the spider commander. “Your provocations will not be tolerated!”
“Collateral damage is to be expected,” I advised as Legion jets began their bombing runs. “You shouldn’t have bombed Sleeping Beauty’s Castle. And the Forest Service is going to be real upset about those dead crocs.”
“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” replied the spider commander, contritely. “Do you realize I have to get another Military Intelligence officer? Do you think Military Intelligence officers grow on trees?”
“Whatever.”
The Legion jets circled about, wagging their wings for their last flyby before heading south. The spider commander and I shook hands and claw on the new truce, pledging to make Galactic Disney the happiest place in the galaxy, pending neutral inspections of the inside of Spider Mountain.
Chapter 2
I was right about the free publicity. On opening day, long lines formed on both sides of the DMZ. I increased Legion security at the gates to prevent cheapskate spiders from sneaking in discount food and drinks. The grand opening was not without controversy. Phil Coen of Channel Five World News Tonight was on the story, in his usual confrontational style. “Colonel Czerinski, isn’t it true that unsuspecting guests and their families at Fantasyland expecting to meet Alice, ride a magic caterpillar following a white rabbit down a hole and through a doorknob, past Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, will only find themselves dumped in your casino to be greeted by topless showgirl Alices and a drunk Mickey Mouse? What kind of wholesome entertainment is that? Walt Disney would turn in his grave knowing such debauchery was allowed in Galactic Disney.”
“Welcome to the magic,” I retorted. “I have it on good authority that Walt was consulted, and approves of my casino.”
“Walt Disney?”
“No, the other Walt–
“I don’t know who this other Walt is.”
“World-famous science fiction writer, Walter Knight. Anyway, what difference does it make? The topless Alices are very popular, and the Cheshire Kat Casino is one of the most popular Galactic Disney rides. I’m just providing what the public wants.”
“Walter Knight is a pervert. I suspect you are dealing drugs, too.”
“What is your point?” I asked, exasperated. “All rumors about magic pixie dust are untrue. Pixie dust can’t get a fly high. Galactic Disney is a delicate balance of government working with private investors, human and alien culture, and galactic diplomacy. We already had one war here, so don’t be rocking the boat.”
“What about reports that organized crime has infiltrated Galactic Disney?”
“The Mafia?” I asked, shocked at such rumor-mongering. “That’s nonsense. The Mafia never got past Mars.”
“What is the Yab Yum Club?” asked Coen, checking a list.
“Yab Yum is a spider enterprise,” I answered angrily. “I have nothing to do with the Yab Yum. That bastard spider commander owns a monopoly on Yab Yums.”
“But what is Yab Yum?” pressed Coen. “What are you hiding?”
“I told you, it’s run by the spiders. I haven’t even been to the Yab Yum yet. Try to say ‘Yum Yab yet’ three times real fast. It can’t be done.”
“My sources say the Yab Yum Club is a brothel. I intend to investigate the matter with a film crew.”
“I wouldn’t do that, if I were you. That part of Galactic Disney is under Arthropodan jurisdiction. If you get arrested, there is no bail for human pestilence.”
“This is outrageous! How did the spiders get a business license to run a brothel at Galactic Disney?”
“I agree totally. The spiders refused to pay me the business license fee and set up shop all on their own. The girls aren’t even Teamsters. Claim to be independent contractors, or some such rubbish. I’ll have you know we run a proper closed shop for all Galactic Disney employees.”
“When I am through investigating your malfeasance, I’ll have you relieved of command. It is a disgrace in the first place that the Butcher of New Colorado manages Galactic Disney. You have betrayed the public trust at every level.”
“Now see here, Coen. I get enough bad press without you rabble-rousing. Causing problems for me is one thing, but you will not be allowed to cause bad press for Galactic Disney.”
“Freedom of the press is an important check and balance on people like you.”
“That does it! You are under arrest for being an undesirable at Galactic Disney. You will be the first to visit our new dungeon. I hope you get tortured.”
“What? Tortured? You can’t do this. I have constitutional rights!”
/> “Everyone is a jailhouse lawyer,” I said dismissively as legionnaires pounced on Coen. “You should read up on colonial law.”
“How dare you! I am a personal friend of President Miller! I’ll have your job!”
“That’s not going to help,” advised Major Lopez, supervising legionnaires thumping Coen. “Stretch Coen on the rack until he admits to being a Democrat!”
* * * * *
Spiral concertina wire and guard towers divided Galactic Disney between human and spider zones. Corporal Tonelli scanned spider tourists against known terrorist lists. Corporal Tonelli’s monitor dragon, Spot, sniffed for drugs and bombs. Spot was trained to pounce on suicide bombers at the first indication of residue to protect legionnaires working the entry gates.
Suddenly Spot alerted on a spider tourist carrying brightly colored packages. Spot viciously tore out the spider’s throat before the bomb could be detonated. Spiders waiting in line scattered in panic as Spot eyed them, too.
Arthropodan marines and USGF legionnaires formed a tense perimeter about the bloody scene as Corporal Tonelli pulled Spot off. Tonelli cautiously checked the suspect’s suicide vest. Suspicious tangled wires led to hidden pocket and a small electrical device crudely wrapped together with duct tap. Ha! Another use for duct tape. Each pocket contained smaller devices.
It was a tense moment as Corporal Tonelli worked to defuse the bomb. Should he cut the blue wire, or the red? The device appeared to be counting down. Nervously Tonelli pressed the stop button. Shit! The Microsoft player blasted out weird spider music from every pocket.
“Bad Spot, no biscuit!” admonished Corporal Tonelli, smacking Spot on the snout. “There’s no stinking bomb!”
Spot whimpered, tail between his legs as he slinked away. Spider marines and legionnaires inched closer for a better look at the carnage.
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