by Ramona Finn
And I wonder if Wolf doesn’t feel that way, too. Taken back to it with the thoughts of Bird, I absently grit my teeth against the memory of my chastisement. Wolf was so angry... so serious. Like maybe he really believes it’s all my fault. The thought sends a ripple of dread through me. I have other friends, but no one like Wolf. In the end, his opinion is the one that means the most to me.
“Lib? Lib.”
I look up, blinking away my thoughts to see that Alis is staring at me with an expectant look on her face.
“What?”
“I was asking if you think we need to try a different core? We haven’t really found anymore lithium batteries that have been viable and—” She breaks off, studying me carefully. Finally, she asks, “Do you want to tell me what’s bothering you?”
“What?”
She shrugs her shoulders, trying to be nonchalant, but now I see the sharpness in her gaze. She’s been studying me. “Nothing. You just seem… distracted. Upset, maybe.”
I bite my lip. I’m a little surprised by her perceptiveness, and wonder if I’ve been wearing it on my sleeve this whole time. There are a lot of things distracting me, and a lot to be upset about. I remember the vision in the desert, the image of the AI and her strangely empathetic features. I think of Bird’s hatred of me, too. But I don’t tell Alis any of this, of course. In the end, there’s only one thing that I can open up about right now.
“I’m just… confused, I guess,” I finally say. “I spoke with Wolf today and—” I break off, not sure what I’m trying to say. All nerves, I push back my short hair, noting that it’s getting longer—more like the Rogue women’s now, who mostly wear their hair long. Everyone does, now that I think about it, and I want to be more like them.
Watching me fidget, though, a light seems to go off in Alis’s eyes. Like she understands without needing more information. “Ah, I see. Boy problems.”
I raise an eyebrow at her. “Boy problems?” I repeat.
She nods. “Yeah. I should have guessed. You’re all moody, ups and downs, all over the place. That’s what boys do to you; they make you crazy.” Glancing behind us, she drops her voice slightly and asks, “Is this about Wolf?”
How does she know all of this? I think wonderingly. She is incredibly perceptive. I don’t think I’ve been all that overt in my affections or my feelings, though maybe I’m wrong about that? And yet, she’s guessed everything so far. I can’t really tell her she’s wrong, given all that she seems to have noticed, so, after a moment, I nod. “How did you know?”
She shrugs. “Intuition. Plus, you seem to care what he thinks. The rest of the Rogues don’t seem to hold any sway over you, but you listen to him. I figured there was something going on.”
I feel heat rise to my cheeks and touch them gingerly to confirm the blush that’s there. Shaking my head, I say, “There isn’t anything going on.”
She quirks an eyebrow at me. “Oh? Is that what’s upsetting you, then?”
“No, no, of course not!” I tell her defensively.
“You sure? I mean, it happens all the time. In the Norm, they say it used to happen so often that they started to assign partners. You know... set you up in arranged marriages and all that, based on compatibility. I guess it was pretty effective because it cut down on people being depressed and angry. Half the fighting in the Norm stopped.” She lifts her shoulders in a shrug. “But maybe that’s just the AI, you know? She has a tendency to change whatever she can and get rid of whatever she can’t.”
I frown. I’ve never really thought of the AI in those terms specifically, but it’s true. Connie manipulated and controlled the Tech, denizens of the Norm, until they attacked Raj, and then she just as easily made them stop. She changed their behavior to suit her will without so much as a hiccup of remorse or doubt.
I consider my own feelings—why they’re all knotted up in my stomach, confused and worried. Is Wolf the reason? I consider Bird and her initial closeness with Wolf. It bothered me, I realize, but it’s not the reason for my unhappiness now. My unhappiness stems from not knowing how he really feels for me.
“I don’t know what he feels,” I finally settle on as an answer. “And it makes me not know what I feel.”
Alis considers me for a moment, but then tells me, “I wouldn’t worry about what he’s feeling.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that you’re too good for him anyway. He may be the leader of this group, but you’re the one who’s going to lead us out of here,” she tells me, her voice firm—even fierce, her green eyes flashing with passion. “You need someone who can match that, who’s as progressive and strong as you are. Do you honestly think any Rogue can be like that?”
I stare at her with wide eyes. “What?” I ask, uncertainly. Surely she doesn’t think that I should be leader? I’m not, I think firmly to myself. Wolf is the leader. I follow him.
“You’re wrong. Wolf is progressive. And he’s the reason I’m as strong as I am. I wouldn’t have made it without him.”
Alis doesn’t look like she agrees and I expect her to argue with me, tensing my body and gearing up for it, but she surprises me by saying, “Maybe he is. But if that’s true, then I think you need to consider the possibility that he’s taught you all that he can. Maybe it’s time to move on.”
She turns back to the tech laid out on the table and begins to collect pieces to take back to her own work station. She flashes me a smile and a “Good luck” before she grabs my biogear and her pieces to head over to her table. I keep watching her even when she bows her head and begins to work diligently on her project. Since her arrival, I’ve found myself feeling closer to her than anyone else. Maybe it’s because she looks up to me or doesn’t hold back what she feels. Maybe it’s just because she didn’t know Raj—and, importantly, I don’t think she’d condemn me for not bringing him back, even if she did.
I don’t know, though, and I don’t want to think about it, so I head out of the room more confused than ever.
CHAPTER FOUR
I spend the next few days avoiding Wolf and burying myself in working on the biogear with Alis and Dat. Skye joins us sometimes, but she’s been morose lately, and just plain unhappy. I’m pretty sure it’s because of Raj, but I don’t know what to do about it, and that amounts to me not spending as much time with her as I used to.
Instead, I focus on a plan, not for missions, but to take down the AI. Before it’s too late.
We shall leave this world—and there will be nothing in our wake.
That’s what I saw when I connected with her. A vision of the future in which the Norm left the earth only to destroy everything it left behind. Namely, us. The AI wants me to believe this is the only option left for us, but I’m still not sure. I’m worried, though, that it might be the only choice left for any of us. Despite Wolf’s teachings that the desert is still teeming with life, I can’t help but notice that resources are scarce—and not just because the AI hordes them. The earth doesn’t seem to be renewing these resources, and without that renewal, there’s no possibility of continued existence.
Not that any of it will matter if the AI does as she plans. She’ll make sure there’s nothing left behind here on earth, and that includes us.
I’ve been avoiding Wolf thus far, my own emotions keeping me from talking about what our plan needs to be. But I acknowledge to myself that I can’t keep dancing around the subject. “It’s important,” I tell him, trying to keep my tone even and unaffected. But it’s hard. I don’t know what I feel for him, much less what to do with that, and I often feel that he doesn’t want anything to do with me. Or I think that maybe he even regrets having ever taken me in.
He lets out a sigh and finally stops, turning to face me. “Lib, I don’t have time to talk about your crazy theories about the AI—”—”
Before he can say more and shut me down, I jump in. “It’s not a crazy theory!”
We’ve been over this a thousand and one times. I didn’t wan
t to tell him about my vision, but I did. He believed me, didn’t he? But now he’s got Bird whispering in his ear and suddenly he thinks all of my plans are crazy. Out of this world.
He runs a hand through his thick hair, clearly aggravated with me. “You don’t have any proof. Fighting back against the AI is all well and good, but now people are dying. Now they’re questioning whether or not you know what you’re talking about!”
Gritting my teeth, I ask him, “And are you questioning me, too? Don’t you still believe me?”
He lets out a sigh and for a moment, I think he gives a little. Goes back to that moment where he believed in what I told him. When me coming home to the Rogues was more important. “I trust you, Lib, but you know what you’re saying sounds a little crazy, right?”
Hope deflates in my chest. My shoulders slump and I start to wonder why I have to convince him all over again that what I say is real.
Bird, I think angrily. This is all her fault.
”Wolf, please.” I’m apparently not above begging. “If we don’t start doing something, we’re all going to be dead!”
The muscles in his jaw twitch. “Lib, everyone knows. The AI—” He breaks off as a pair of Rogues pass us, each giving a quick nod of respect to Wolf and an uncertain look to me. He’s silent until long after they’ve passed, and then he continues in a hushed voice. “The AI is trying to exterminate us. It’s a hard thing to forget. But I don’t want you to forget that each of these people is important. They are my people, and I have to protect them. I can’t keep sending them off on suicide missions, because you’ve got a crazy hunch about the AI.”
I frown and look away, letting my shoulders slump. I want to tell him that the people we’ve lost now will be nothing in comparison to the ones we’ll lose later if we don’t make these sacrifices early on. That he’s being a complete jerk for not believing in me. But I don’t. He isn’t looking at the big picture right now, and can’t see the forest for the trees. Was it really only a couple of days ago that I thought his mind thinks like mine? Practical first, and sentimental second?
“You are protecting them,” I finally tell him, but my voice is quiet, weak. “Don’t you trust me?”
I hear him sigh. Everything in his body seems to ease slightly, to relax. Not quite slumping, but giving off a type of acceptance maybe. He reaches for me, and slides his hand from my shoulder down the length of my bare arm until he touches my wrist. I take a quick, deep breath, but don’t pull away. From there, he slips my hand into his, entwining our fingers. In a soft voice, he tells me, “I do trust you, Lib. But I worry about you, too. The things you’re doing are dangerous.” Before I can interject with something argumentative, he hurries on, “And not just to the Rogues. It’s dangerous to you, too, Lib. We could have lost you last time.”
My heart thumps in my chest, so loud in my own ears that it feels like a drum beat echoing in the tunnels. My entire body is flushed from his simple touch and the sound of his soft, deep voice. It’s washed over me in a way that’s both soothing and electrifying. I feel the urge to step closer to him, to wrap myself in his arms and stay there until the rest of the world just fades away.
His other hand reaches up, hovering for a second just above my cheek before smoothing away some of my dark hair and resting against the side of my face. I think I’m actually trembling at the touch, feeling a little breathless and giddy and nervous all at once.
He moves closer, and I tilt my head up automatically so that I can look into his deep, dark eyes. “Lib,” he breathes, leaning towards me.
I feel my heart hammering away as my eyes try to flutter shut, something that’s a mixture of anticipation and sweetness filling my whole body. Then—
“Wolf? We need to talk about this mission,” comes an echoing voice from down the hall. My eyes snap open and the moment is broken. Wolf snaps back away from me as though I’ve burned him. His darker skin is a deeper shade, tinted red, and he won’t look at me with those dark eyes when I say, “Wolf?”
He shakes his head. “We’ll talk about this later.” His tone is rougher than usual.
Coral, a man a couple of years older than Wolf, comes around the bend. “Sir, I’ve been going over your list for the mission tonight and—” He breaks off at the sight of me, his light brown eyes darting between the two of us uncertainly. “Uh, should I come back?”
I want to say yes, but Wolf shakes his head firmly. “No. We’re done here. Walk with me; we’ll talk about the mission.” And he leads Coral away, leaving me alone with the sinking suspicion that Wolf is afraid to acknowledge that he has feelings for me when he’s around anyone else.
…
True to his word, Wolf had my list to me while the sun was still halfway up into the sky. It would go down quickly now, but I still had the time to finish up last minute plans.
My team would be made up of only seven this time, including myself and Skye. Usually, I don’t like to take Skye on missions with me. Especially not the offensive missions like this one. But, we are in short supply of Glitches these days, still down by one and with one who’s too young to really go out. It doesn’t leave me with a lot of options. I think I can handle this mission on my own, but Wolf doesn’t like it. He’s been firm about pairing Glitches up now—especially since we’ll have such a small Rogue force accompanying us. It grates on me, but I have to concede the point, given our last mission.
I keep thinking of him, how he was in the tunnels earlier. How he held my hand, his fingers entwined in mine. How he caressed my cheek, the tenderness of his touch, and that soft, deep look in his eyes.
It distracts me as I try to get people set up in their biogear. Half of my team has it today; half doesn’t. Skye refuses, saying that she doesn’t think it’s a good idea with her seizures even though she hasn’t had one in a long time. Mostly, I think she’s afraid, and I don’t know how to tell her that it’ll be alright when honestly I don’t know that it will be. Thus far, there haven’t been any problems with the gear, but that isn’t a guarantee that there won’t be. Maybe she’s right. Maybe it would be bad for her. It’s why I don’t push it when she refuses. Instead, I feel better knowing that a couple of the Rogues, including Lizzie and Tiger, are willing to take a risk on the new technology.
I’m unhappy when I find Bird exiting one of the tunnels and heading towards us. She wasn’t on the list for this mission, but a sinking feeling in my stomach tells me that that doesn’t matter. This feeling worsens when I see Wolf following her, an exasperated look on his face.
“Bird, I really think you should sit this one out,” he tells her, sounding weary, like maybe they’ve been having this conversation for a while now. “You’re still injured from last time and—”
“I want to go, Wolf,” she tells him firmly. She speaks to him, but her eyes are zeroed in on me, focusing like a hawk. “I don’t like just sitting around doing nothing.”
“Have you been to see Croc? Has he cleared you?”
Tearing her gaze from me, she looks over her shoulder at him. I can’t see her expression, but I picture it as slightly mocking and maybe a little condescending. She’s shorter with Wolf than she was when we first arrived, and I wonder if this, too, is my fault.
“Yes,” she says after a moment. “He has. My arm is almost completely healed and going out tonight isn’t going to be a problem.”
Wolf looks unconvinced. He folds his arms across his chest—maybe debating in his head, maybe searching for a legitimate means of telling her no without sounding patronizing.
I hope he thinks of something, because I don’t want her to go. I don’t want Skye to go because I worry for her safety, but it’s different with Bird. She hates me and it shows. It makes it harder for me to focus, and harder for me to command the team. When Bird is around, they look to her, but more than that, they don’t trust me anymore. She’s like poison, turning their hearts until they’re all suspicious of me.
Don’t be dramatic, I chastise myself silently. She’s only
doing what she thinks is right. But even as I try to convince myself of this, I don’t believe it. She does turn people against me, and it makes the mission less likely to be successful.
I sigh and let Wolf work it out. I won’t be of any help in this situation.
Of course, despite the fact that I’m going to stay out of it, I can’t help but eavesdrop. I hear the gentle tone of his voice, though, and it makes me grit my teeth.
“You don’t have to go,” he tells her. He sounds sincere. “There will be other missions.”
“I want to go.”
Why? I want to ask her, but I don’t. There would be no point.
Wolf nods his head, and then looks over the top of Bird towards me. I can feel his eyes on me even as I try to ignore them, and I look up despite myself. I catch his gaze; it’s burning, intense, and uncertain all at once. I look away first.
“Add her to your roster,” he calls over to me. Then he turns and leaves.
I say nothing.
Bird wanders over to me and, as she passes, I hear her mutter, “Someone needs to keep an eye on the Glitch.”
…
We head out at dusk. The sun is dropping quickly and it makes the desert look as though it’s on fire. Pretty, I suppose. Our group moves quietly, aware that, as the sun goes down, the danger goes up. I can hear whispers behind me.
“We shouldn’t be doing this,” one of the Rogues says. I think the voice belongs to Sidewinder, Coral’s brother. “Everything we know about the drones tells us to not go out at night.”
His brother is quick to respond, and just as quiet. “That’s because they’ve always been after us. But now we’ve got an advantage.”
“What? Some Glitch who got some of our people killed?”
I wince and try to walk a little faster so that I’m slightly ahead of the group. I have no interest in listening anymore. But even as I do so, I catch the beginning of Coral’s reply. “She’s trying to help…”