That may be true, and Lynn was comfortable admitting it, but that didn’t mean that she couldn’t feel good about hitting it off with Aiden. That’s what she’d wanted, right?
And, if she never heard from him ever again, at least she could say that she tried. She could say that she’d done her best to initiate something.
It would suck, sure, if she never talked to Aiden again- a lot. In fact, it would confuse the hell out of her as to why the universe would dangle something so right in front of her only to rip it away, but she wouldn’t be surprised.
Her life went like that more often than not.
No, she’d do the smart thing and be patient. If it was meant to be, it would work out. She honestly and truly believed that. After everything that happened with Jake, she could admit to herself that it was a blessing in disguise, because now she knew that better actually existed.
Lynn didn’t covet money, material things, or status.
She wasn’t impressed by fancy cars or big houses or flashy jewelry.
No, Lynn liked honesty and loyalty and compassion. She loved kindness and humor and sincerity.
Like, every time she was sure Aiden’s gaze would drop to her body and stick to her curves, but instead, he held eye contact for over an hour.
It could mean he didn’t find her attractive.
Or, it could mean he was actually listening to her talk, and that, meant so much more than an expensive car or flashy jewelry.
Her chest still felt warm and fuzzy as she stepped into her apartment and closed the door behind her.
On some days she welcomed the silence, and other days she hated it. It always felt so lonely at the latest hour of the night, when the moon was high in the sky, when daylight was right around the corner.
When the stars were so bright that they illuminated all the shadows she worked so hard to hide from.
It’d taken some time to get used to sleeping alone, but Lynn had always been particular about who she shared her bed with. She may not have made the best decisions in that department, but she’d always kept the promise of being faithful, which she supposed didn’t count for much anymore.
There were only a few family photos sitting around, now. She used to have a plethora of wedding photos that made her smile always, but now, they were burned to bits at the bottom of her trash can, right where they belonged. It had taken a little while for her to find anything and everything that had to do with Jake in her belongings after he moved, but she’d done it.
Gone and burned it all to hell, just like she should.
Being bitter was one thing, and Lynn wanted to be bitter about it…but, she couldn’t. Truth was, as much as it had surprised and hurt her, she didn’t love Jake either. Maybe, if she were being honest with herself, she never really had.
True love was a concept that frightened and intrigued Lynn for most of her life, and she believed that if she had to question it in any way, she’d probably never been in real love before.
If it were real, wouldn’t she still be in agony?
What if Aiden never calls?
The ball of anxiety was back in her belly as she began to replay their entire encounter in her head like a move reel.
“I was too fucking honest. I shouldn’t have said anything,” Lynn groaned as she fell back against the cushions of her couch.
She got no response as she settled against her favorite fluffy blanket and turned on the TV. She checked her phone for what felt like the millionth time as she relaxed, feeling irritable about the fact that she had no idea what she was doing in the dating world.
‘Dating,’ wasn’t really something she did often, and when she did do it, it wasn’t for any long period of time. Besides a brief fling with someone she was entirely incompatible with, she’d spent most of her time with her family and friends trying to heal.
She wrote her books in her spare time, too, but even that had slowed while she took a much- needed break. It was hard to adjust to a completely different life while the person she’d shared it with moved on like she hadn’t ever existed, like she hadn’t ever tried to love him into a better man.
Does it even matter, she thought, as she recalled the way her entire body lit up when Aiden had stepped into the sunlight only an hour ago. It was hard to argue with something so damn concrete when it seemed like everything else in her life was as hard to hold onto as a handful of water.
Her phone dinged behind her, a familiar tone that she couldn’t quite get used to, yet.
Jessica: I’m coming over later, bringing wine! I wanna hear all about what happened today.
Lynn: Okay! Sounds good, see you later!
With a heavy sigh and rustle of her blanket, Lynn sprawled out on her couch and closed her eyes, hoping that with a little rest and a little time, she’d be able to make sense of the chaos in her brain and in her heart.
∞∞∞
“I just don’t find you attractive.”
“I’m unhappy with you.”
“I don’t feel any connection between us.”
Lynn listened to the twang of the folk music playing in the background as she swirled the wine in her glass around and around. Jake’s words were echoing around inside her head as she remembered the way they’d rolled off of his tongue so easily.
So clean.
The candlelight calmed her just a little, but she couldn’t deny the fact that her heart was aching slightly as Jessica watched her in the darkness.
“It’s going to be okay, ya know. It’s okay to question yourself, but you don’t need to. There’s no point in it.”
Lynn smiled sadly as she looked up at her, her emotions written clearly all over her face.
“I know that, but I can’t separate the past and the future right now. I’m just a little scared, ya know? It’s like I’m ready to move on, but what happens if I do, and the same thing happens all over again?”
Jessica took a sip of her own wine before she slowly nodded.
“After my divorce I didn’t know up from down. I was all twisted around, because my husband was also my best friend. It’s not easy to lose that connection, and I get it. But, I need you to walk into this with your eyes open. Things are going to change, Lynn.”
Lynn tucked a strand of dark hair behind her ear as she contemplated that.
“How do you know?”
Jessica rolled her eyes and laughed softly.
“Why don’t you tell me what happened today? Let’s start with that.”
Lynn sucked in a deep breath, replayed the entire afternoon over again in her head.
“He was…it was…look, I’ll never admit this out loud if anyone ever asks me this, okay? I will deny it until the day I die.”
Jessica laughed and waited for Lynn to continue, her glass poised at the corner of her mouth.
“When I stepped out of my car, I was ready to bolt. I had this weird feeling in my gut, I can’t even explain it. It was so final and exciting and absolutely fucking terrifying all at the same time, Jess. How the hell could I ever explain that to anyone else?”
Jessica sighed dreamily as she smiled wistfully.
“I felt the same when I met Elliot. It all fell into place. He apologized to me on behalf of all men too, ya know. And, look where him and I are now. He’s the love of my life and I couldn’t imagine a day without him in it.”
Lynn choked on her wine.
“Um, we just met, it’s a little soon to assume that, don’t you think?”
Jessica squealed as she leaned over to grip Lynn’s thigh.
“No! You’re gonna get married and have babies and be my sister!”
Lynn laughed and shook her head, her hair falling into her eyes as she considered that.
“That would be pretty amazing, right? Just because you’ve been chattering in my ear about him for months. But, honestly, I don’t know if I will ever be ready for a commitment like that.”
“Don’t let Jake ruin it for you, babe. He isn’t worth it. Tell me more about this
terrifying feeling,” Jessica prodded.
Lynn sighed, unsure of how to explain it.
“Like, time slowed down. Like everything around us stilled, and then, boom! There he was. And…,” She trailed off, unsure if she should say the rest out loud.
Jessica sipped on her wine and blinked in her direction, waiting patiently for her to continue.
“Andddd?”
“And, it felt like I was home,” Lynn said with a small shrug.
Jessica squealed and wrapped an arm around her shoulders as Lynn started to laugh with her.
“This is fucking crazy, Jess. There’s no way this will work. There’s no way anything could ever be that easy.”
“Now, now, don’t be hasty with that line of thought, babe. His life isn’t perfect and neither is yours, but if something is easy for you for once, why question it?”
“Because, I don’t know how much I have left to give anymore. You know that feeling. That bottom of the barrel, sticky-side- of- used -wallpaper, emptier than the Grand Canyon feeling. It doesn’t just go away, and honestly, I don’t know if I could go through that again. I’m finally in a better place. Not amazing, not terrible, but better. What the hell could I even offer someone?”
Jessica set her glass down as she blinked her crystalline blue eyes in Lynn’s direction.
“You are amazing, Lynn. Gorgeous, smart, talented, and hilarious. You have too much to offer someone like Jake. But, Aiden? He needs someone like you in his life. Just trust me on this, okay? It sounds insane, putting all of your eggs in one basket for one guy, but I know this is right.”
“It may not work out.”
“No, it may not, but you’ve already done the hardest part. You broke the ice. You met him.”
“There are plenty of guys out there, Jess.”
Jessica nodded and hugged Lynn close.
“Right, but there’s only one Aiden,” She whispered.
Chapter 4
It’d been more than a couple of days since Lynn had seen Aiden, and she was going insane. Her phone never dinged, she never heard a word from him, and the longer she didn’t hear a peep the easier it was for her to convince herself he wasn’t interested. She didn’t blame him, she understood. That’s what made it even more annoying.
She spent her days recuperating, for the most part. Going shopping, hanging out with a few girlfriends, but with each day that passed, her anxiety grew.
That’s not to say she didn’t feel ridiculous. Like she was back in high school, waiting for the popular boy to notice her- she did. She felt absolutely dumb for putting so much time into thinking about Aiden.
Whether or not he liked her.
Whether or not she would hear from him.
Whether or not she would see him again.
Had she even crossed his mind? Even once?
Just as she was putting a spoon in her mug to stir her coffee, her phone started to ring. She smiled when she saw Jessica’s name scrolling across the screen.
“Good morning, lovely.”
“Good morning! Are you ready to go out tonight and celebrate being single?,” Lynn laughed.
“You know I am. I’m going to drink far too much tequila while we ogle hot men,” she joked.
Half-joked, anyways…
She really did plan on drinking too much tequila.
“I bet you will! I get off work around five-thirty. Meet me at my house and we’ll grab dinner first before we decide where to go for drinks,” Jessica said.
Lynn sipped her coffee.
“Alright, that sounds perfect.”
Lynn could practically hear Jessica’s smile through the phone.
“We’re gonna have a great time, babe. See you tonight.”
“Okay, talk to you later.”
“Bye!”
Hanging up here phone, Lynn meandered into her bedroom to find something to wear. She didn’t want to be too dressed up, but she definitely wanted to wear heels.
As she plucked through her closet, she wondered if she would have the guts to let loose for just one evening.
What would it hurt?
She needed a good time, some girl time, some let-your-hair-down fun. Jessica was always good for it, so why not sit back and enjoy? It was inevitable if they were together that she would enjoy herself.
So, why worry?
Lynn decided on a burgundy top with velvet black leggings that showed off all the curves her breakup from Jake had left her with. After he was gone, her stress levels had dropped, and she’d finally been able to put on a little weight that looked damn good on her.
Her reflection caught her attention as she walked into the bathroom to apply some makeup, and she paused.
There’s nothing remarkable about my face.
Lynn didn’t exactly feel like a million bucks, but she tried. Tried to remember who she was before she let someone steal away her confidence and self-worth. Before she lost herself for a little while….
Her makeup bag caught her attention and she drew it towards her, eyeing the contents carefully.
“If I’m going out for the night, I better go all in.”
All in.
The words echoed in her otherwise silent bathroom like the tolling of a church bell, and even still, Lynn had no idea just how all in she’d be by the end of the night.
~-~
Lynn was in a rush. She had to pick up her younger brother from school, stop to get gas, and then bring her brother back to her folk’s house all before she could head over to Jessica’s for dinner. To say she was in a bit of a time crunch was an understatement.
Before she could even stop to think about what she was doing, she pulled into the closest gas station and parked at the first open pump she saw. She fumbled in her purse for her debit card and swore when it slipped between her fingers as she climbed out of her compact car.
It was chilly out, and the sky was overcast. It kind of put a damper on her mood for a moment before she looked up and realized what she’d done.
Oh, no.
She’d driven to the very gas station Aiden worked at. Well, he ran the garage, but still- she was there.
Within his eyesight.
And, she wanted to panic.
She checked the gas pump and realized she still had a few more dollars to go, so she grabbed her phone and tried to look busy while she filled her tank.
You’re fine, act normal, don’t be weird.
It felt like an eternity before she was back in her car with the engine started, her fingers gripping the wheel tightly. She hasn’t seen him, and hoped he hadn’t seen her. What would she say?
“Fancy seeing you here!”
She cringed at the thought and shook her head as she turned back into the main road and headed towards her brother’s high school. It was a bit of a drive, but she had time before Jessica was off work. If she didn’t dally, she wouldn’t be late, she was sure of it. She made a small turn and heard her phone ding from the passenger seat. Waiting until she was parked at a red light, her eyes widened when she read the name across her screen.
Aiden texted me.
Her heart skipped a small beat when she lifted the phone to her view again and read what he’d said.
Aiden: I saw you earlier! What trouble are you getting into today?
Lynn fumbled with her phone as she tried to figure out what to say.
Lynn: Picking up my brother from school before Jessica takes me out for drinks later!
There, that was normal enough, right?
Her palms were sweaty as she dropped her phone onto the seat beside her and continued on her journey. It felt like forever before she received another text, but it was really only a couple of minutes.
Aiden: Well have fun tonight, and be safe. Let me know if you need a ride, I’ll be around.
Lynn felt like maybe, her heart was going to explode. That was the most she’d gotten out of Jessica’s brother in a week, and it felt like a victory. Maybe that was pathetic and maybe Lynn already knew th
at, but who cares? She’d heard from him. Thinking she was being flirty, she responded with something casual. Not.
Lynn: I’d like to ride in your car under different circumstances, but thanks for the offer. Jessica is driving so we should be fine.
Trepidation eased down her spine as she pulled into her brother’s high school parking lot. That sounded almost rude, which wasn’t her intention at all! Jessica texted her in the interim to see if she wanted to invite Aiden out with them, and she pondered that for a moment.
Would that be wise?
She couldn’t deny that she wanted to invite him, if only to see if the initial ‘wow factor,’ she’d experienced was still there, or all in her head. It could have been all made up for all she knew at this point, only because she hadn’t seen or heard from him since she’d gotten her car worked on.
Without questioning it, she texted him again.
Lynn: I’ve been asked to invite you out with us tonight. Let me know if you want to join us later, or not.
That was nice enough she supposed, but the pit in her stomach grew tenfold as she opened the car door for her brother. There was no way he’d actually show up. Right? With her brain on overload, she drove her and her brother back to her parent’s house. Time was ticking by faster than she was comfortable with, and even still, she hadn’t gotten a response from Aiden.
Just as well too, because she was already running a little behind, and needed to haul ass if she wanted to be on time to meet Jessica at her house.
The drive wasn’t too long, nearly twenty minutes, but she definitely wanted to beat traffic so that hopefully some of her anxiety would disappear.
You’re going to go out, have an amazing time, and forget about all the stuff that keeps you sad…
Her brain told her to leave it be, and so she tried.
Even though she had a feeling, much like had the last time, that seeing Aiden would change things tonight. If he showed up, that is.
Chapter 5
Lynn clicked her heel against the back of Jessica’s couch as they tried to decide where they wanted to eat for dinner.
“What’s close? The only thing I care about is the tequila,” She joked.
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