He reaches out and grabs both my hands in his. He stares deep into my eyes, like he is looking at my soul. He must be able to tell that I’m nervous and unsure, because he drops my hands and cups my cheek. “I know we only met last night, but there’s something about you, Danielle. I want to get to know you better. So, will you be my girl?”
I smile up at him and decide to be bold. Reaching up on my tiptoes, I kiss his lips. “Yeah, I’ll be your girl.”
He gives me a blinding smile and another mind-blowing kiss. After he has me breathing hard again, he tells me to text him later. I walk up to my door in a daze. I have a boyfriend. Oh my God, I have a boyfriend! I have to tell Gram!
***
After talking with Gram about Gunnar and telling her that he asked me to be his girlfriend, I decide to text Zane to see what he has planned for the night.
Me: Hey you! What you doing?
Zane: Hey yourself. Finishing packing up my room.
Me: :( I’m going to miss you when you leave!
Zane: Oh yeah? Seems to me like you’ll have someone else to fill your days with…
Does he really think that I would replace him, or that I even could? No matter where this relationship goes with Gunnar, there will always be a place in my heart for Zane. Yes, I think I may be in love with him, but that love can go nowhere. He’ll always be my best friend, though.
Me: Please don’t be like that. No one could ever replace you if that’s what you’re thinking…
Zane: Sorry, it’s just weird. I mean, what do you even know about this guy?
Me: I know it’s weird, but I think I really like him. He moved here a few weeks ago, and he is really nice. Can you please give him a chance? For me?
Please say that you understand and you are willing to get to know him. I don’t think I would be able to do anything that Zane is against. It will break my heart to not have him behind me.
Zane: I’ll try, but only because you asked. So what are your plans for tonight? Going out with the new guy?
Me: Well, you mentioned earlier you wanted to hang out, so I thought I’d check with you first.
Zane: Well, what are you waiting for? Get your ass over here…
Not like he has a choice; I would have told him I was coming over regardless of what he said. Even though I can’t wait to see Gunnar again, I know he will understand. I’ll have the whole year to see him, whereas Zane…not so much.
I send a quick message to Gunnar, letting him know I’m hanging out with Zane and that I’ll text later. Then after I let Gram know where I’m going, I head out the door, excited for tonight.
I don’t bother knocking on the door because I know his parents are out and he knows I’m coming over anyway. I walk in and go upstairs to his bedroom. The door is open so I walk right in.
The first thing I notice are the boxes everywhere. All the things Zane has collected over the years are now packed away. This is too different. I hate seeing his room like this. It’s so empty. He’s really leaving me. I know he’s only leaving to go to school and will be back to visit, but it hurts my heart knowing I won’t see him every day anymore.
Suddenly Zane is in front of me, wiping tears that I didn’t even realize were falling. “Don’t cry, Baby Girl. I’ll be back, I promise. And you know you can always come visit me anytime you want,” he whispers. His words only make me cry harder. I reach up and hug him hard.
“I’m going to miss you so much. What am I doing to do without you?”
Zane rubs my back and holds me tightly. I hardly ever break down like this, at least not in front of people, so I’m sure this is hard for him to see. But ever since Zeke died, it’s been him and me, and I honestly don’t know how I’m going to deal with him not being here.
I finally pull myself together enough to stop crying and look up at him while wiping the last of my tears away. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for that to happen.” I give him a small laugh and pull out of his embrace.
“Danielle, you don’t have to hide from me. I don’t know what I’m going to do without you around either, if it makes it any better.”
I wouldn’t say it out loud, but I don’t think he’ll have any trouble filling his time without me, if what happened last night was anything to go by.
I clear my throat and look in his mirror on the closet door to make sure my face looks okay. “So, what should we do tonight?”
He smiles and finishes putting the rest of his books in the last box. “Well, there’s not much we can do here, so I was thinking we could chill at your place,” he says, taping the box he filled.
“Why don’t we go get that pizza you suggested earlier? And then we can pick up some movies and head over to my house to watch them. We can make popcorn too!” I suggest. I don’t feel like going out, but I’m so hungry that I think it would be a good idea to stop and get something to eat. Plus, that will save me from trying to cook something.
“Sounds good to me.”
We jump in his truck and head over to the pizza place in town. After ordering, we sit in the booth and talk. At first, it’s stupid stuff, but then he brings up Gunnar again. Why did I think we could get through this night without him bringing up my new boyfriend? Wow, I have a boyfriend. It's going to take some time getting used to saying that. Zane doesn’t know that it’s official, though, so I better tell him before he hears it from someone else.
“Well, he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I said yes. I really like him, Zane. Do you think I’m stupid for starting something with him this soon?” I can’t help but ask. I need him to say he understands and is happy for me, but I also need him to tell me the truth.
“Well, it does seem a little fast. But, if it’s what you want to do, what can I do to stop you? Doesn’t mean I like it, though.”
I smile. That’s his way of saying he is not going to make it into a big deal. He may not like it, but he won’t stop me.
“But if he hurts you, I will hunt him down and make him wish he was never born.” Of course he would have to say something like that.
“Okay, Dad!” I scoff, like he is irritating me, but I secretly love the fact that he is acting so protectively. At least it shows he cares.
The rest of the night is amazing. After finishing our pizza, we rent a few DVDs, then head back to my house. We only talk about the good times we’ve had and everything we are looking forward to in the future. We eat popcorn, watch lots of movies, laugh, and even cry a little until he heads back over to his house around 4 a.m. I’m so glad we hung out tonight. It was like old times.
Chapter 5
As soon as I wake up Sunday morning, I send a text to Gunnar, letting him know I’m going to be busy for the next few days. I feel bad at first, but if he doesn’t understand, then it’s best to find that out now. Zane is a huge part of my life and always will be. Thankfully, though, Gunnar isn’t upset and just tells me to message him when I could.
The weekend passes in a blur, and before I know it, it’s Tuesday morning and I have to say goodbye to my best friend. Even though we spent the rest of the weekend together, I’m not ready for him to leave. I don’t think I would ever be ready for that, but whether I like it or not, in an hour he’ll be off to college and starting the rest of his life without me. I’m probably overreacting, but I hate the thought that after today, things may never be the same. Sure, I’ll see him on holidays and maybe a couple times here and there in between, but it will never be the same.
Once I’m out of the shower, I put on a new purple summer dress and head downstairs to grab a bite to eat before I go to see Zane off. Gram is already at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea. “Good morning, Gram. How are you feeling today?” I ask as I grab the orange juice out of the fridge and pour a small glass.
“Good morning, sweetheart. I’m feeling pretty good today. I slept real well last night.”
After finishing my OJ and putting my cup in the sink, I give her a kiss on the cheek. “I’m heading over to see Zane before he leaves. Wil
l you be coming over shortly to see him off?” I ask. I know she was talking about going over, but I’m not sure if she is still up to it. If not, I know Zane will come over before he hits the road to give her a hug.
“I’ll be over before he leaves.”
Nodding, I give her a small smile and head out the door.
I can already feel the tears forming in my eyes because this will be the last time that I run out of my house to go to his.
I need to get myself together though, I don’t want today to be anything but smiles and well wishes. I just can’t help thinking about my last goodbye to his brother. Even though I know deep down this is nothing like last time, it still feels final in a way. After today, Zane and I won’t be the same. He's not going to be only a short walk and a door away anymore.
As I’m walking up his porch steps, the door opens and Zane storms out.
“Whoa, where’s the fire, college boy?” I force out a laugh, but as soon as I get a good look at his face, my smile falls. “Zane, what’s wrong?”
He grabs my arm as he walks past me without even breaking his stride. He doesn’t stop till we are in his back yard. Letting go of my arm, he starts pacing back in forth. I have no idea what would have him this upset.
I don’t say anything because I can tell he needs time to figure it out in his head before he talks. Finally, after what feels like hours, he stops in front of me with his head down. He runs his hands through his hair before raising his head. The look in his eyes is pure agony with a hint of anger. I have to turn away because it breaks my heart to see him like this. I still have no idea what happened, but I need to take a minute to gather my thoughts before I face at him again. Whatever is going on, I have a feeling it’s really bad.
Once I meet his gaze again, I take his hand in mine. “What’s going on?” I whisper. I don’t have the strength to speak louder.
I know he hears me, though, because he squeezes my hand before answering. “It’s nothing for you to worry about, Baby Girl. Just not seeing eye to eye with my parents.” He blows out a breath and then runs his hand through his hair again. He must be all out of sorts because he only does that when he is really pissed off or upset.
“Talk to me. What don’t you see eye to eye about?” I’m trying to figure out what would make them fight the day he leaves for college, but I’m coming up empty. I mean, they are thrilled he is going to the University of Texas and playing football. It’s a great college, but they thought after Zeke died, that it would never happen. I also know he still isn’t sure on what he wants to major in, but I don’t see why that would upset them. Not everyone knows what they want to do when they go off to college. Sometimes you need to take some general classes before it hits you. I don’t know what I want to do, though I’m pretty sure it will have something to do with art.
He hasn’t answered me, and I can’t figure out if that’s good or bad. We are usually open about everything, though we haven’t been lately with all the strain on our relationship. Maybe he doesn’t feel like he can talk to me anymore. Regardless, I won’t push him; I know that he’ll talk to me about it when he is ready. I only want to be able to help him. “Anything I can do?” I ask after a couple minutes of silence. He understands this is my way of letting him know he doesn’t have to tell me, but that I’m here for him.
“Nah, it’s all good. They’ll get over it,” he says, and pulls me into him for a hug. “I’m going to miss you, ya know that?”
He kisses the top of my head, and suddenly I can’t stop the tears. He thinks he’ll miss me, but he has no idea what he means to me. I try to compose myself before I speak, because I don’t want to make this worse for him. “I’m gonna miss you too. Who am I going to annoy now that you won’t be here?” I say, trying to make him feel better with a joke.
He laughs and tickles my side before letting me go. “I’m sure you’ll find someone.”
Grabbing my hand, he leads me back over to the front of the house and takes me upstairs to his room. It looks so different, even from the last time I was up here. His desk has been cleaned of all his belongings and his bed is made up with two boxes sitting on top. No personal touches are left except a couple of motorcycle posters on the wall and some football and wrestling trophies on a shelf.
I walk over and sit on the edge of his bed. “When do your classes start?” He’s told me before, but I need to hear him talk right now. The silence in the room is making me feel edgy.
He sits down next to me and lets out a long breath. “Next Monday.”
I still don’t understand why he needs to leave a week before his classes begin, but I suppose it would be good for him to get settled before everything gets busy. I want to be selfish and keep him here as long as possible. I know it wouldn’t make a difference, because he’s leaving no matter what, but at least I would have him here with me for a couple more days.
Zane turns toward me and takes hold of my hand. “You know I’ll always be here for you, don’t you, Baby Girl? Doesn’t matter how far away I am; I’ll always be there for you.”
I look down and try to push the tears back, but I can feel them fall anyway. If I didn’t know better, I would say this sounds like he is making his final goodbye. Like I won’t ever see him again. I know that is nonsense, but it’s the way I feel. My heart hurts so much I can’t stop the sob that takes over me. He wraps me in his arms while whispering reassurances into my hair. He gently rocks me, running his hand up and down my back until I can pull myself together. It’s while he is holding me in his arms, getting ready to say goodbye that I realize that I’ve truly fallen for him. There was never really a choice or anyway around it. I’m madly in love with Zane, and things are never going to be the same again. He’s walking out the door today, and even though I know I’ll always have him as a good friend, he’ll never be mine. But even with this knowledge, I also know that no matter who I am with, I’ll never feel for them what I feel for Zane.
I do my best to dry my tears so I can see him off. I can break when he’s gone, but right now I need to show him I’m okay. If he knew how much it is killing me to watch him go, it would make it so much harder for him to leave. And he really needs to go, to live the life Zeke would want for him. I won’t stand in the way of their dreams. I would rather live in hell for the rest of my life knowing that Zane is happy and doing what he and his brother wanted most, than hold him back so I don’t lose him. When you love someone, sometimes you have to let them go.
I follow him down the stairs and out the door. We put the last two boxes in his truck, and make sure everything is secured in the back. My grandmother has just stepped outside, but before she can walk down the steps to come to him, Zane jogs up so he can say his goodbyes. I watch the exchange, but when I see Gram kiss his cheek I have to look away. Zane is such a big part of our lives, I know she will miss him dearly. After saying one last goodbye and giving her a final hug, he turns around and walks back to me. His parents aren’t out here, but I’m sure they’ve already said their goodbyes this morning.
Once he reaches me, he pulls me in for one last hug. He’s holding on to me so tight I can barely breathe, but I don’t want him to ever let me go, even if it kills me. At least if I die right this second, it would be in his arms. He kisses the top of my head, gives me a final squeeze, and lets me go. I look up into his eyes and see something I’ve never seen before: desperation, but it’s gone before I can think any more of it.
He leans down and presses his forehead against mine. With his eyes closed, he takes a deep breath and slowly releases it. His warm breath hits my face and sends chills down my back. “Take care of yourself, Baby Girl.” Before I can answer him, he releases his hold on me and gets in his truck. I’m in a daze as I step back onto the sidewalk before he pulls away from the curb. I stand there until I can no longer see him, then drop into the grass and stare at my hands. He’s gone.
I’m not sure how long I sit outside, but eventually I make my way into the house. I walk right past Gram and up to
my room. As soon as I open my door, I strip out of my dress, grab my sleep shorts, and throw on an old shirt of Zane’s. I grab Zeke’s football and my phone before slipping under the covers.
I send a quick text to Gunnar to let him know I’m not feeling up to doing anything tonight and that I’ll call him tomorrow. Before I turn my phone off, I type a message to Zane. One last goodbye.
Me: I miss you already…
Chapter 6
You’d think that staying in bed all day and feeling depressed would make the days tick by slowly. But instead, I woke up this morning and it was already Thursday and first day of my junior year. As soon as I opened my eyes, I knew today was going to be a horrible day. Not only have I not been able to sleep since Zane left, but also knowing I wouldn’t be riding to school with him or even seeing him at some point today is almost enough to break me.
We haven’t talked since he left except for his reply to my text that he would see me soon. And a couple hours later when he let me know he made it. I couldn’t bring myself to reply, even though I probably should have. I thought I would need a couple days to get used to the idea of him not being here, but now it’s Thursday and I still haven’t replied. I need to get over it and call him already. I don’t want him to know how much I’m suffering, or risk him thinking I don’t miss him.
After getting out of the shower, I grab a pair of cutoff shorts and a tank top, then slip on an old sweatshirt I stole from Zane last year. It’s huge on me and almost covers all of my shorts so it looks like I’m not wearing anything underneath, but I don’t give a damn; I want to have something of his with me today. I should care what I look like, since it’s the first day of school and I’ll see Gunnar at some point, but I can’t bring myself to be concerned. I toss my hair up into a messy bun, throw on my tennis shoes, and run downstairs. As I’m pouring myself some OJ, my phone goes off.
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