Instead of going to the car that is waiting for me, I walk home. I could use that time to cool off and get my thoughts straight.
When I get in the door, I drop to the floor and let all the pain and anger out. I’ve lost everyone I love: my mom, my dad, Zeke, Zane, and now my grandmother. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do now. I don’t even know how to make it through the rest of the day, let alone the rest of the week, or year. Should I still attend the community college or should I go somewhere else? Or maybe I shouldn’t even go to college at all.
I pick myself up off the floor, grab the bottle of Jack that Jaxon left, and head up to my room. Tonight, I only want to forget. I’ll worry about everything else tomorrow.
***
I wake up the next morning with a massive headache. I drank the whole bottle but everything still hurt, so I gave up and let myself fall asleep, praying for some peace. But of course that was too much to ask. I had nightmare after nightmare, but since I was so wasted, I wasn’t able to rouse myself to get away from it all.
I go downstairs to get some water and Tylenol and head back up to bed. Soon after, I fall asleep again, but I’m woken up by someone banging on the front door. Sneaking a glance at the clock on my way downstairs, I take note that I've actually slept for four hours and now it is noon.
When I open the door, I see a very distraught Zane in front of me. “Thank fuck! Why the hell haven’t you answered your fucking phone!” he booms.
I’m so shocked and confused that he’s even here that I can't get any words out before he pushes his way inside, slams the door, and engulfs me in his arms. “Why didn’t you call me? I had to hear it from my mother when she called last night to ask why I wasn’t at the funeral. Why didn’t you tell me, Baby Girl?”
The shock passes and is replaced with rage. “What do you mean, why didn’t I call you? Why the fuck would I? You have barely even talked to me this past year. You didn’t call on my birthday or even graduation. So ask me again why the fuck I didn’t call you.” I start toward the kitchen, then turn to face him and yell, “And excuse fucking me, but I was a little preoccupied with finding my grandmother dead and trying to get through the pain and shock of losing her, so I’m so fucking sorry that I didn’t think to call you. Not like you would have answered your fucking phone for me anyway!” I walk away again without waiting for him to reply. I’m so pissed at him that I could care fucking less that his feelings are hurt or what the fuck ever is his problem.
“Look, Danielle, I’m sorry, okay? I know I haven’t been around lately, but you should have called me. You shouldn’t have had to go through that alone.”
But I had gone through it all alone because I have no one. “Well, I did. I was the one who found her. I was the one who had to deal with people calling and stopping over to tell me they were sorry. I was the one who had to sit by myself at the funeral. I was the one who had to deal with my father showing up. And then I was the one who had to come home to this empty house that holds all of my dead grandmother’s stuff. Maybe I shouldn’t have had to go through all that alone, but I did, so I don’t fucking need you.” I end on a sob. I can’t do any of this anymore.
He instantly steps forward and wraps me in his arms, and I can do nothing but cling to him while all my agony and grief washes through me. I cry harder now than I have the past five days. God, I’ve missed him so much! I thought I could do this without him, but I can’t. I need him here with me, I need him to tell me it’s all going to be okay and that he’ll be there for me.
“Shh, it’s okay, I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere. We’ll figure this out. I’m here, shh.” He drops us down onto the floor and then starts to rock me back and forth, trying to soothe me. If he only knew what his presence alone does for me. I don’t need his words, I only need him here to hold me.
***
Zane orders Chinese takeout, and after he gets over the shock of hearing that my father showed up, we discuss what happens next. I tell him that my grandmother left me everything and that I want to keep the house. I tell him that I’m still going to go to school in the area, but I might get an apartment. I don’t think I’ll be able to stay in this house without Gram, at least for a while. The pain is too fresh, the memories too much. It’s more than I can bear right now.
“Why don’t you come to school in Austin? You got accepted there, right?”
Yes, I got accepted there, but I don’t think I should or could go. Sure, I’ve missed him and want to get back to the way things used to be before he left, but is that even possible? I mean, so much has happened over the past two years, I’m not so sure we can get back to the carefree relationship we had before. It would be too much to see him every day and know what I’m missing and that I’ll never be more than just a friend to him.
“I don’t know, Zane.” I don’t know how to explain it to him, but I’m sure he knows.
“Look," he says, "I know things have been different lately, and that’s my fault. But hear me out. Spend the summer tying up loose ends and packing what you want to bring with you, and then put everything else in storage. Or shit, even leave it all where it is. I’m sure you’ll come back from time to time and that would give you a place to go when you need to get away or need to be close to your grandma. Just say you’ll come with me. I promise, we will work this out. We’ll fix what needs to be fixed. Let me take care of you, Baby Girl.”
Can we fix our friendship? Maybe…I guess. What do I have to lose anyway? “Okay, I’ll call the schools next week and get everything switched over. It might be too late to get a dorm room, but I could use some of the money I got from my dad for an apartment.” I don’t want to have to use that money, but I will if I need to. This could work. Maybe we can fix what is broken with us and finally move on. At least I’d have him back in my life and I wouldn’t feel so detached and alone anymore.
He gives me a smile and takes my hand. “Okay, good. I’ll help you move your stuff over if you want, then show you around. This will be great, Baby Girl, I promise. Everything will be fine, you’ll see.” He says it like he’s trying to not only convince me, but himself too. I don’t know why, but I believe him. Maybe it’s because I have nothing else to believe in right now or maybe it’s because no matter what happened in our past, I could always count on Zane. We will always be together. It may not be a physical relationship or what I want, but it’s something. And right now, I’ll take anything I can get.
Chapter 13
I called the schools that following Monday to get everything switched over. After that, the summer flew by. I was consumed with packing away my grandmother's stuff and cleaning the house.
Now I have to get my shit together because I start classes in one week at the University of Texas. They were even able to set me up with a dorm, so that saved me some money and the stress of having to find a place to live close to campus.
I load my car with the bare minimum of what I need and leave everything else. I didn’t clean out any of Gram's things or pack anything away in storage. I’m going to try to come back here at least once a month to make sure everything is still okay, and to get away from school. I take a long look at the house before heading off to college and hopefully a fresh start.
I arrive in Austin at about five in the afternoon. I send Zane a text to let him know I’m here and ask where he wants to meet. He said he’d help me unpack and then show me around campus once I’m settled in my room.
By the time I make it to what I hope is my dorm building, I still haven’t heard back from Zane. So I give him a call. Finally, on the fifth ring he answers.
“Yeah?” He sounds irritated, but I have no idea why.
“Uh, hey, everything okay? I sent you a message but didn’t hear back. I’m here, sitting in front of my building.”
I can hear him trying to calm himself down by breathing slowly and deeply. After about thirty seconds he replies. “Shit, I’m sorry, Baby Girl. It’s been a fucked-up day. I’ll be there in five.” He hangs up b
efore I can reply. Instead of getting out, I wait in my car.
When he pulls up alongside my car, I get out to meet him at the back of his truck. Instead of saying hey, giving me a hug, or even starting to unload my car, he leans against his truck, crosses his arms, and looks down at his feet, letting out a long sigh.
“Are you okay?” I ask. "If you were busy, you didn’t have to come and help, I would have been able to handle it myself.”
He looks at me and runs his hand through his hair. Yeah, there is definitely something bothering him, but what it could be is lost on me. It’s not like I know a lot of what he has going on in his life anymore. “No, it’s not that. I’m sorry. Like I said, it’s been a fucked-up day. What do ya say we hold off on all of this and go grab some food first? I’m starving.”
Instead of waiting for my answer, he walks over and opens his passenger door for me. I hesitate for a second before I lock up my car and jump in. He drives for a couple of minutes and then we are pulling up to what looks like a bar.
“It doesn’t look like much on the outside, but they have the best burgers around.” We get out and make our way inside.
We both order a burger and fries, and I sip on a diet Mountain Dew while Zane pretty much slams his Bud Light. I wonder how he is getting served, since he isn’t twenty-one yet. Maybe a fake ID, or they don’t care around here whether you are old enough to drink or not. I hear some college towns are like that.
We are almost done with our food when his phone rings.
“Yeah?” he answers. I can’t hear what the other person is saying, but from the tone I can hear on the other end, I think it’s a guy. “Yeah, all right. I got a friend with me, though. That cool?”
I focus on my food, acting like I’m not listening to his conversation.
“All right. See ya soon.” He hangs up and takes a drink of his beer.
“Who was that?” I wasn’t sure what the conversation was about, but it sounded to me like we were going somewhere.
“One of my buddies. He knows someone who is throwing a party and wanted to see if I was game. I told him you were with me but he said to bring you along. What do you think, want to go?”
Party on the first night here? I don’t think that’s a good idea. I’m not even moved into my room yet.
“Oh, uh, why don’t you just drop me off at my dorm? You go ahead. I want to get my stuff unpacked and go to bed early.” I take a drink of my soda and then pick at the rest of the food on my plate.
“No, you gotta come. It’ll be fun, I promise. You can crash at my place tonight, then tomorrow we’ll spend the whole day unloading your stuff and touring the campus.”
Looks like he’s not going to take no for an answer. Typical Zane. “Okay, well, can we at least stop at my car so I can grab some different clothes to change into?” I’m wearing a simple summer dress because I wanted to look nice. Don’t ask me why, though, considering I was only planning on moving today.
“You look fine, trust me. Don’t worry about it.” The way he emphasizes “trust me” has me thinking there’s something behind his words, but I have no idea what it could be.
We finish eating and then climb back into his truck to head to wherever this party is. The house turns out to be only a couple blocks away. When we get inside, we walk right into the kitchen. Zane introduces me to a couple of people and grabs us some drinks.
“Yo, Z-Man, that you?” A guy walks in and pulls Zane into a one-armed hug.
“Hey, Liam, this is my friend Danielle. She got in today.”
He looks at me briefly, then turns to look at Zane. He looks like he wants to say something, but refrains. Looking back to me, he says, “Hello there. Z didn’t mention his friend was an attractive girl.” The way he says it doesn’t sound flirty, it sounds concerned.
“Hey,” I say, and then look over to Zane, confused and a little freaked out.
He takes my hand and leads me into the living room, where there are some tables set up with chairs. A couple more people come up to greet Zane, but he doesn’t introduce me to anyone else, not that I mind. I would really rather go back to my dorm and unpack so I can go to sleep. Its been a long day.
I get up to go to the bathroom, and when I come back, there is a stunning blonde next to Zane where I was sitting a couple minutes ago. Zane catches my eye and gives me a smile and a look like he’s asking if I’m okay. I give him a little smile back and what I hope is an expression that tells him I’m okay but want to go home. He must not read it right, because he turns back to talk with the blonde.
Over the next hour, I sit in a chair toward the back of the room while Zane and the blond get bolder with their touches. I don’t want to stare at them and their wandering hands, so I either stare at the floor, the wall, or take short glances around the room. The last few times I did that, though, I saw Zane’s friend, Liam, watching me. I’ve tried getting Zane’s attention, but he hasn’t even looked over at me for at least the last thirty minutes. I hope he hasn’t forgotten I am here. With him.
I’m starting to get a headache and I feel flushed. Getting up, I head into the bathroom to splash cold water on my face to try and make myself feel a little better, but no such luck. I’m going to have to ask Zane to take me back to my dorm or at least he could give me his keys so I can drive myself.
When I return to the living room, I don’t see Zane or the blonde anywhere. They probably went to get more drinks. I don’t feel like trying to make my way through all these people to find him, but figure he will be back shortly, so I sit back on the chair to wait.
A while later, I still haven’t seen Zane, or any of the people he introduced me to earlier. My head is really starting to pound, so I go into the bathroom again in hopes of finding some Tylenol. I feel bad snooping in their cabinets, but I really need it. Unfortunately, there is nothing that I can take.
When I open the door to walk out, I bump into a solid wall of muscle. I look up and see a guy I’ve never seen before. Well, I guess I’ve never seen any of these people before, but he’s not someone Zane introduced me to or that I remember seeing around the party. He must have been in a different room. “Oh, sorry,” I mumble. I try to sidestep him but end up bumping into him again when he tries the same thing.
“Hey, that’s all right, babe. You look a little lost. Can I help you with something?” He seems nice enough and like he knows the people and his way around this house, so maybe he’ll know where Zane is.
“Uh, yeah, maybe. I’m looking for my friend Zane. I came here with him, but I can’t find him. I have a headache and wanted to see if he’d take me home.” That was probably a little too much information, but my head is pounding like a bitch and I’m so damn tired that I really don’t care right now.
“Oh, yeah, I know him. Um, I saw his truck outside about ten minutes ago, but I haven’t seen him for a while.” He looks back at me and gives me a once over again, and then a reassuring smile. “Here, why don’t you go wait in one of the rooms down the hall while I go look for him? With the music blaring and all the people yelling, I don’t want your headache to get worse.”
I'm not sure that's a good idea, but right now, I don’t think I have much choice. “Uh, okay, thanks. That would be great.”
He walks me a few feet down the hall and opens a door on the left. The room is dark until he turns on a side lamp. It’s a neat room with a desk on one side with a chair, and a small dresser. A huge bed takes up the rest of the room, leaving little walking space. I sit on the corner of the bed since there are books and a bag on the chair. “I’ll be right back,” he says before walking out the door, closing it softly behind him.
I look around again, wishing this were Zane’s room and we weren’t at a party full of loud, drunk strangers so I could lie down and close my eyes. But it’s not, and I don’t think it would be very appropriate if I lay down on a stranger’s bed. It’s bad enough I’m sitting on it; it’s weird.
It takes the guy—I just realized I didn’t ask him his nam
e—about fifteen minutes to come back in. I hope he found Zane because my head feels like it’s going to explode.
“Here, I found you some aspirin and brought you a bottle of water.” He walks over and hands me the pills and the bottle.
“Thanks, uh, I don’t think I caught your name.”
He smiles and sits down next to me. “You’re welcome, and my name is Nick.”
I give him a half smile, which is all I can muster feeling the way I do, then put the pills in my mouth and wash them down.
“So, were you able to find Zane?” I ask, ready to head home.
He gives me a sympathetic look and shakes his head. “I didn’t find him, but I was able to find out where he is.” He doesn’t continue, so I ask where. “He, uh, he left with some chick about an hour ago. But Liam said he told him to tell you that he left you his truck.” He looks away for a second, then looks back at me.
“He left? But I came here with him. Why would he leave without even telling me?” I don’t understand; I don’t know a single person here and he just left me here to fend for myself.
“I’m sorry, he must have left with the girl he was with, his girlfriend maybe? Liam said they couldn’t keep their hands off each other.”
I can feel tears gathering in my eyes. I haven’t even been here for one full day yet and he’s already forgotten about me.
“Hey, it’s okay. I’ll make sure you make it home.”
As I feel the first tear drop down my cheek, Nick brings his hand up to wipe it way. “Hey, don’t cry.” He pulls me into a hug and rubs my back. Even though I only met this guy twenty minutes ago, I take comfort in him. At least someone is here for me.
I pull back and look up at him. “I’m sorry. Thank you, I needed that.”
He looks me deeply the in the eyes, and then leans into me. Before I know what is happening, his lips are on mine. I’m too shocked to stop him, but after a couple of seconds, I try to push him away.
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