“Why?”
“Because I’m finally on the brink of finding myself.”
Yeah, he understood. But he also understood that she didn’t have to do it alone.
Their gazes locked, held, seconds ticking past before he said softly, “Let me help you find yourself.”
“I can’t rely on anyone else.”
“I’m not asking you to.” Not yet. The uncertainty in her eyes gave him hope. “I’m asking you to spend time with me, just be with me. Not every day all day, just some time. You owe me nothing, you’re free to fly. You’re always free to fly when you’re with me. I’ll give you that freedom, watch you fly, and I’ll catch you when you fall. That’s all I’m asking.”
“You want a commitment.”
“No. I want to be a part of your new life, part of your discovery of yourself. No strings, no ties.”
Her eyes widened a little. “You mean friends with benefits kind of thing?”
He paused. “Not quite.”
“Then what?”
Time to try another tack, because this ground was fraught with potholes. “Lis, do you like me? I mean honestly. Do you like me?”
“Honestly?” Those sweet little apple cheeks reddened. “I wouldn’t have had sex with you otherwise. I don’t…I don’t just sleep with any man who looks favourably at me.”
Hot damn. “So there’s a little more than just like?” At her averted gaze, he added, “Attraction?”
A small nod.
Satisfaction filled him, but he kept his tone serious, direct. “I won’t lie, Lis. You took my eye from the moment I met you. You know that.”
“Yes.” A little more colour in those cheeks, but she was being honest.
“I’m still attracted to you. I’m willing to take this as lightly or seriously as you want. I’m willing to take this at the pace you feel comfortable with. There’s no big commitment right now. No contracts, no owing each other. You’re looking for a new life, trying to find yourself. Make me a part of that, part of finding yourself, part of exploring new relationships, new situations.”
She sighed. “Do you have any idea how mixed up this all is for me? One minute I’m at everyone’s beck and call, the next I’m standing alone, or trying to.”
“Actually, yes.” He leaned back against the post, putting a little distance between them. “I do have some understanding of what it’s like to climb out of a dark hole to find life again.”
Uncertainly, a question in her eyes, she watched him.
Simon took a deep breath, kept his gaze locked with hers. “Becca, my sister, was nineteen when she died.”
Chapter 9
It was so unexpected that Elissa didn’t know what to think at first.
“I don’t talk much to people about her, but its not because I’m ashamed of what happened,” Simon said slowly. “Becca is close in my heart, she always will be. But I can understand what loss of self and hope can do to someone, just as I know personally what it feels like to lose someone to that hopelessness.”
“I’m sorry.” Elissa took a step closer. “I didn’t mean to bring up sad memories. What I’m going through could never compare.”
Simon’s eyes softened as he reached out to tug gently on one of the curls that spilled out of her bun. “Everyone has their burdens to bear, problems to work through. What is simple for one is so heavy for another. Everyone is different.”
Cripes, how could this handsome, tall, strong man with the heart melting grin and twinkling eyes, the lazy stance and happy ways, be so philosophical? So knowing?
“Becca was my little sister. She was pretty, she was funny, she was bright. She had men at her feet, the world in her grasp, you would never think she’d doubt herself ever. At least, that’s what we all thought. She wanted to be a model, and damn if she wasn’t a good one. She was heading for the top, was our Becca, right for the top, and we cheered her on. Mum had died a long time ago otherwise maybe Becca would have talked to her, or Mum would have realised, I don’t know. Neither Dad nor I knew how hard that climb was, how soul-destroying for some. Always being perfect, always being poised. She watched her diet, watched her figure, lived in the gym when she wasn’t modelling. We saw less of her, but we accepted that because her success meant she travelled far and wide, including overseas.” His eyes grew a little distant as he contemplated his memories.
In the normally lazily twinkling hazel eyes was a touch of sadness, a hint of melancholy. It was enough to touch Elissa, to make her move forward, shift closer, give his hand a little squeeze of comfort.
He lightly squeezed her hand in return, his gaze still distant. “I got home from work one day and she was there on my doorstep. I hadn’t seen her for six months, I was shocked. My healthy, happy sister was a shadow of her former self. Thin, so painfully thin. She hadn’t been sick, had done it to herself. Had done it for her job. But it still wasn’t enough, she didn’t think she was as pretty as the other girls, as thin as she needed to be for the catwalks. She barely ate, exercised so hard. I begged her to see someone, talk to someone. Dad and I didn’t know what to do. She went back on the circuit, had a boyfriend who was an up and coming actor. But it wasn’t enough, never enough. Becca aimed for the stars and she would do whatever she had to, to get there. She overdosed on some kind of diet pills, I never found out what, but she was sick for awhile. I found out later she took drugs to suppress her appetite, to increase her metabolism, and her damned boyfriend was feeding them to her. Both of them so focussed on the stars they forgot the earth beneath their feet.” He looked at Elissa, focussed on her. “You can’t keep pushing that hard and that fast without it affecting you. Depression set in, severe depression. Becca never found that happiness, never reached the place she could be content, was chasing more, always chasing more. Her boyfriend left her for another model. I knew something was wrong, could hear it in her voice when she rang me. I was on the first flight to Melbourne but I got there too late. I broke into her home and found her dead. She’d overdosed deliberately, left me and Dad a note to say how sorry she was for not being the best. We never cared about her being the best, we just wanted her to be happy, to be Becca.”
“Simon.” Heart aching for him, she pressed close, wrapped her arms around him. “I’m so sorry.”
He hugged her gently. “I sat on the floor holding her, knew there was no hope, she was cold, had been dead for awhile. I sat there listening to the sirens coming and I thought how I’d let her down, how I should have stopped her, should have done something. Should have bloody done something.”
“Do what?” She rubbed her cheek against his chest. “You can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do.”
“I know. Dad never got over it, dying of a heart attack not long after. I don’t think anyone gets over it, but time heals, clichéd as that is. I saw a counsellor, he helped a lot. Slowly, as time passed, I came out of that fog of numbness and self blame, and I started to see again. I found my life again, found my feet. Got back to my job, got on with life. But it taught me something, Lis.”
“What?”
His hands cupped her cheeks, tipped her head back gently so that she was looking up at him. His gaze was warm, still a little sad but accepting, too.
Calloused thumbs caressed her cheeks lightly, almost tenderly, touching her so deeply.
“It taught me that life is short. That you need to find where you stand in it. For me it’s the simple things. My job, my friends, my home. I like the quiet of the country, the friendliness of small towns. When something is important to me, I will do whatever it takes to keep it. When someone is important to me, I’ll always have their backs, always be there for them.” His gaze was steady. “Lis, you’re important to me. I knew that from the beginning. I won’t push you, I understand your need to find where you stand in this life, where you’re heading. I’m just asking for you to give me - give us - a chance while you’re here. No strings, no ties. Just spend time together. I’m not asking for every second, every
minute, not even every day. But go out with me, have some fun, let me know how you’re going, what you’re feeling.”
Looking up at him, this caring man with his honest eyes, his wisdom, his gentleness and humour, and yes, his understanding, she was attracted to him, that was no lie.
The boyfriends she’d had in the past had been few, never meant much, but several days with this big, redheaded firie and she’d melted in his arms. That had never happened before.
Didn’t she owe it to herself to test this budding relationship? This new part of her life?
Was she going to throw it all away because she was too scared to take what life was handing her? Because she’d let her parents control her to the stage that now she was fearful of anyone having a hold, however small and unthreatening, on her life?
“But.” He held up a finger.
There was a but? Immediately she stiffened. “I thought…no strings?”
“There are no strings. But there is something you need to do.”
“What?” She eyed him warily.
“You need to do this for yourself.” Simon’s expression was serious. “I don’t want an answer now. I didn’t tell you my story to gain your sympathy, to guilt you into going out with me. I didn’t push for your story the other day to give me leverage. It does, however, give us a greater understanding of the other’s point of view. With me so far?”
“Okay,” she replied slowly, wondering just where the heck he was going with this new angle.
A touch of humour lit his eyes. “Suspicious little thing, aren’t you?”
“I’m not that little.”
“We’ll get to that later. Right now, I’m going.”
That astonished her. “What?”
“I’m going. You need time to think about what we’ve talked about the last couple of days, in which direction we’re both coming from. I won’t have you making a decision based on emotions of the moment, they’re the worst kind of decisions sometimes.” He removed his hands from her cheeks, brushing them lightly with his knuckles before dropping his hands to his sides. “Take time, think about what you want, where you’re going, how you’re getting there. Then think about me, what I want, what I’m asking. When you’ve done that, when you’ve made a decision of where I stand in that, then you can tell me.”
Expecting that he’d have pressed for an answer now, she didn’t know how to reply, could only stand there speechless. Because, truth be told, her thoughts were chaotic.
His smile was slow, understanding. “There’s no deadline, Lis. I live in Gully’s Fall, I’m always around. You take all the time you need to find your answer.” Stooping, he kissed the top of her head then just walked away.
Simply walked away through the kitchen door and into the depths of the house. Had he really gone? Had it really been that easy?
Straining her ears, she listened. Sure enough, within minutes she heard the sound of a car starting, reversing and driving off.
Cripes, she really was alone.
Turning to stare at Tilly who was oblivious to everything, stretched out on the lawn in the warm sunshine, Elissa was bombarded with thoughts and emotions.
The first one to really hit, that had her stomach clenching, was the fact that she’d had hot sex with Simon. He’d desired her. He wanted her again and in more ways than just sex.
The question was, how much did she want him in return? How far was she willing to go? And did she want to go anywhere with him at all?
Sure, the sex was hot, his passion for her both startling and gratifying, but what he wanted was a whole other ball game, one she wasn’t sure she wanted to play in. In fact, he’d left the ball in her court.
It was her move next, and that move could change her whole life for better or worse.
~*~
Scott was nervous, it was so plain to see. He rocked back and forth on his feet and kept wiping his hand on his jeans.
Beside him, Ryder smirked. “Just remember to say Ash’s name and not one of your old girlfriend’s.’
“Will you shut up?” Scott shot back.
“Just trying to be helpful, avert a disaster.”
“You’re the disaster.”
Standing beside Ash, Elissa grinned.
“It’ll be fine, Scott,” Ash soothed. “You won’t say anyone else’s name.”
“We hope,” Ryder said.
Scott looked at the minister watching them with one grey eyebrow raised in polite contemplation. “Sorry. Let’s go.”
“He needs all the practice he can get,” Ryder added. “Let’s go several times.”
“Can the best man be dead?”
“Not generally,” the mister replied without batting an eyelid.
“But that’s not a ‘never’ answer,” Scott pointed out.
“Remember one of the ten commandments?”
“You mean the one about murder?”
“That’d be the one.” The minister turned to Ash. “Now, my dear. You said simple.”
“Yes,” Ash replied. “Ryder and Scott will be waiting at the top. Elissa will come next, then me and Ben, who’s giving me away. That’s the whole bridal party, like Scott and I planned.”
“Small and sweet. Nothing wrong with that.” The minister cast Ryder a glance. “As long as we all maintain decorum.”
Ryder’s eyebrows rose and this time Scott smirked.
Elissa could just imagine how they’d acted as a couple of heartbreaking, mischievous teenagers.
“Everyone will behave,” Ash assured the minister.
“Good. Okay, where’s Ben?”
“Right here.” Ben hurried up the aisle, patting down his damp hair. “Sorry, I worked later than I’d intended.”
“That’s fine.” She smiled at him. “I’m just so glad you’ll give me away.”
There was actually a slight flush on the older man’s lined cheeks. “Glad to do it, Ash. Anytime.”
“Hopefully only once, though,” Ryder said.
This time Elissa laughed out loud before clapping her hand over her mouth. “Sorry.”
Ash grinned at her, Ryder winked.
“I suggest we take our places.” The minister started gesturing. “Scott, you’ll stand here, Ryder beside you. He’ll have the wedding rings. You will have the wedding rings, right?”
“Of course I’ll have the wedding rings.”
“Just checking.”
The look on Ryder’s face was hilarious. Elissa just wished she had bought a mobile phone so she could have taken a quick picture to send to Dee. Though they were in a church, so she’d not have done it anyway. Never mind, she’d take great delight in telling her.
The minister had them repeat the process twice because Scott was so nervous, but it really was simple. Personally, Elissa thought it would be so lovely when everyone was in their wedding finery and the pews were filled with wedding guests.
To Scott’s relief he didn’t bugger up the vows, and she could see the tension seep from him a little. She found it amusing that such a tough firie could be so nervous about his wedding. A small wedding, simple and sweet, and he was a wreck. It made him seem so, well, sweet. Especially when he smiled down at Ash as he repeated the vows, the love so plain to see, the gentleness of his touch as she smiled back so sweetly at him.
A match made in Heaven. Or Gully’s Fall. Definitely a match made in Gully’s Fall.
Afterwards Ben went to the pub, Ryder went back to the newsagent to wait for Dee to close shop, and Scott and Ash, with Elissa in the backseat of the car, called in to see Mrs Preston, Scott’s mother.
Mrs Preston was pleasantly plump, had blonde hair streaked with white which she wore in a cute bob - a new haircut for the wedding, apparently - and insisted Elissa call her Julia.
“I’ve been dying to meet you,” Julia confided, leading them all into the kitchen.
“Thank you.” Elissa sat at the table. “I’ve heard so much about you.”
“Really? How nice.” Her gaze shot teasingly to
her son. “I hope.”
“Only ever good things,” he assured her happily while cutting into a chocolate cake that had already been half eaten.
“As if it could be anything else.” Ash kissed Julia’s cheek before taking the seat opposite Elissa.
Julia smiled fondly at Ash. It was more than obvious that she’d won her fiancée’s mother’s heart. Then again, it was Ash, not many people disliked her.
The time went quickly, Julia cooking for the couple of guests currently staying at the boarding house she ran right in her own home, a beautiful big old house.
“There will be no boarders while the wedding and reception are on,” she told Elissa while peeling potatoes. “The wedding’s on Saturday, so from Wednesday until Monday I haven’t taken any boarders. That’ll give me time to do cooking and get everything ready for the reception.”
“I’ll be over Wednesday to help,” Ash reminded her.
“You’ll be too busy, sweetie.”
“Everything else is sorted out.”
It looked like an old argument, so Elissa decided she might as well join in. “I can help.”
Julia smiled at her. “No need. Ryder, Dee and Del’s mothers are all coming to help. We’ll have the hall shipshape, the food cooked, flowers done, and then Ash and Scott can come and inspect it all the day before the wedding.”
“Inspect?” Ash looked horrified.
Scott just grinned.
“Inspect,” Julia agreed firmly. “I want to make sure that you’re happy with everything.”
“Julia, you and the others are doing so much for us, I’m happy for whatever you do. I’m not going to inspect anything.”
“Dear, you are so sweet, but I still want your approval. It is your wedding after all.”
“You won’t win this argument,” Scott told Ash. “Just be a good girl and do as you’re told.”
“And you,” his mother said, “will come with Ash for the inspection.”
“Aw, Mum.”
“Yeah.” Ash looked at him. “Be a good boy and do as you’re told.”
Scott’s eyes gleamed. “You’ll pay for that later.”
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