So much joyful hope.
I felt as though I might burst into a thousand pieces, bubbling over like the tips of the waves that moved and drifted around my feet.
It was sensory overload.
Jake Reynolds had asked me to meet him at the beach for no reason at all. If it had been anyone else, I would have done the human thing and come out and asked him to tell me exactly why we were there. But this was Jake, and I couldn't think straight. All I knew was that he was still holding on to my arm—the same arm that had just been touching his mouth.
How in the world had I ended up with any part of my body touching Jake's mouth? I absolutely buzzed with anticipation. I was hyper aware of his touch—his fingers almost burning my arms where they made contact. I glanced down at my feet in an attempt to gain my composure.
"Kristen."
He had said my name to try to get me to look at him, and I snapped to attention at the fact that he had again used Kristen instead of K.K.
I squinted at him suspiciously. "I feel like I'm in trouble when you call me that," I said.
The corner of his mouth lifted in a tiny mischievous grin. "You might actually be in trouble," he said.
He was still holding on to my arm when he said that. I gently tried to tug it away, but he held his grip, tucking my arm near his chest. I could feel the warmth of his skin through his t-shirt.
"For what?" I asked.
"I was gonna ask you…" he said in a tone that made it obvious that he was changing the subject. "What do you want to do with your life?"
I started to smile at him like he was messing around, but I quickly realized he was being serious. He regarded me with the sweetest look of sincerity. I tilted my head at him, considering the question.
"I'd like to have success as an artist, you know, a photographer or whatever. And eventually, I'd like to have success as a wife, and mother, and grandmother, even. I want to just have a good life."
I glanced down, part of me feeling like I should leave it at that, and the other part, knowing that I should say more... tell the truth.
I sighed.
"God too," I said, cringing inwardly and fearing that I would sound preachy even though it wasn't like that. "I'd like to make some kind of difference on this earth… and not just as a person helping other people, but you know… for God's kingdom or whatever. I know there's something bigger and better coming after we're done with this life, and I just want to do or say what I can to help people remember that… to know there's a God who loves them." I shrugged, knowing I was too nervous to be eloquent. "Sorry," I said with a little shrug. "I didn't mean to take you to Sunday school. I just didn’t feel right about stopping with saying that I wanted to be a famous photographer. What about you?"
I was jittery with nerves and mad at myself for not saying something better. It wasn't my fault, though. I hadn't expected Jake to ask me such a thing. My thoughts were all over the place in that moment, and I wondered if I would ever find out why he wanted to meet me there. Was this what he wanted to ask me?
"I knew you were gonna say something like that," he said, drawing me from my thoughts, and causing me to glance at him. "After today, I want my goals to be more like yours."
"What do you mean?"
He shrugged. "I thought I knew exactly what I wanted. I'm driven professionally. I set goals, and I work for them. I'm proud of myself for that. When I go to buy something, I get on the internet and do research. I search, best… whatever it is. If I'm buying a new fishing reel, I search 'best fishing reels', if it's a golf club, I search 'best golf clubs'. I want to strive for excellence—to create the best life I could for myself by working hard and getting the prettiest, most desirable things."
"That's not a bad goal," I said. I knew Clara was included in that list of prettiest things, and I had to fight back a stab of jealousy.
"Yeah, I guess there are some things that are good about it," Jake replied, with a nod. "I don't regret working hard, and I'm not going to stop doing that." He paused, thinking for a few seconds before continuing. "But I was talking to Aunt Jana this morning, and it hit me that there were things I was completely missing the mark on. Good, right, amazing things that would make my life different, better—things that were right in front of me, staring me straight in the face. It just made me see that I was just kind of settling for the world's version of success. Success, but not the kind that really mattered at the end of the day, you know? I've been thinking about it all day. I'm excited. I feel like I can still have all the things I was working for and so much more."
"Oh, gosh," I said, still not knowing exactly what he was saying, but knowing it was something positive. "That's awesome, Jake. I really do love moments like that where it just feels like your eyes are opened to something new."
Jake held onto my arm, gripping it to his chest like he had no plans to let me go.
"You gotta love Jana and Bill," I added, wondering what she had possibly said to make him behave this way.
"Aunt Jana didn’t do anything but tell me what you said."
I tilted my head curiously again. "What do you mean?"
"She was talking about you," Jake said. "She told me some things you had told her, and it made me… I knew what a good person you were, Kristen, but I don't think I realized… I just didn't see you… I, uh… I hadn't appreciated how special you are… I realized that your children, your husband, your future family, would be pretty much the luckiest people ever to have you in their life. It made me want to build a life like the one you're gonna have."
I let out a little laugh at that. It was the sweetest compliment I had ever heard, and it instantly made me want to giggle—not because I thought it was funny, but more from nervousness and elation.
"I'm being serious," Jake said, still holding on to my arm. "Aunt Jana told me some things you said about your place in history. Just such a good, right outlook, you know? And then I saw that picture of you on her fridge, and I felt like I was seeing you for the first time."
I stared at him, feeling absolutely speechless. I had been to the beach with Jake a number of times in the past, but never, ever had we stood in the moonlight, letting the waves rush up against our feet while we said sincere words to each other. It honestly felt like something from a dream—a scene from a movie. Here he was, the man I had been aching to encounter, and now he was staring at me like he was the one aching to encounter me.
It was surreal.
"I didn't just feel inspired today," he said. "Don't get me wrong. It was really inspiring, and I do feel like I want to do more with my life, but that's not all that happened to me. That's not why I brought you here."
"It's not?" I could barely breathe.
"No," he said. His eyes roamed all over my face, stopping on my mouth. He stared at me intently. "You… are… exquisite," he whispered in a slow, measured tone.
"Jake." I said his name breathlessly with a little smile because having him stand there and look at me like that was more than I could handle. I honestly feared that my legs might physically give out.
"Please tell me I'm not too late, Kristen."
"Why are you calling me Kristen?" I asked since, apparently, I was saying every thought that crossed my mind.
Jake stepped closer, keeping a hold of my arm with one of his hands while gently wrapping his other hand around my lower back.
"Please, K.K., look at me and tell me I'm not too late."
He was so close to me that I could feel the warmth of the front of his body even though we weren't touching. I had desired him for so long that I feared my body might come undone.
The feeling was indescribable—when you want something for so long, and then suddenly, the moment comes when it seemed like you might get it.
It was overwhelming.
His eyes. Those light, icy eyes shone, even in the dim light of the night. His mouth—the curves of his lips and the shape of the little indention between his mouth and his nose.
I was utterly taken, swept
away.
Side note:
When I was younger, one of the neighborhood boys had told me that you could boil a frog by slowly bringing cold water to hot.
He said that if you put a frog in a pot with boiling water, it would jump out, but if you put it in cold water and bring it to a boil slowly, it wouldn't know of the danger of being scorched alive. It would just sit there and be boiled.
I had no idea if this was an actual truth, but that conversation I had with John David Kennedy about boiling frogs was one of those things I remembered in life, and I thought of it periodically and for different reasons.
The reason it came to my mind right then was because I could easily be like that frog.
I was so transfixed by Jake's face and the proximity of it that I felt like the frog—like danger could be at the other end of this encounter, but I wouldn't be able to stop myself from sitting there and letting it happen.
Slowly, very slowly, Jake's mouth began moving. The corners of it slowly crept up, and I watched, completely mesmerized as his smile formed. I was looking at his mouth, but I could see his dimples form in my periphery.
"Please put me out of my misery here, K.K."
"What?"
"You're not answering me."
"I don't even know what the question was," I said breathlessly. "I can't think straight."
Jake took a small step forward, taking me more fully into his arms. There was still a little space between us, but he was holding me with far more intention. The warmth of his hand around my back was possibly the most comforting feeling I had ever experienced. His smile broadened just slightly as he regarded my face.
"K.K."
"What?" I whispered.
"Tell me I'm not too late."
"I don't know what you mean by that, but the answer is 'yes' to whatever you're asking. I mean, it's 'no'." I grimaced at myself for not getting it out right. "I don't know what you don't want to be late for, but I'm just saying, you're probably not too late. If it has to do with me, you're not too late."
"It has to do with you, Kristen." His smile was so easy and confident. "Otherwise, I wouldn't be standing here, holding you like this."
"You're holding me? I didn't know," I said dryly, acting surprised and causing him to let out a little laugh.
"Just please say that I have a chance with you, Kristen. I'm so sorry it took me so long to… I don't know, to ask you this, to get to this moment."
"What are you asking me, exactly? What moment are we in right now?" I needed to make him say what he was thinking in plain English, otherwise I would never be able to believe it happened.
"I want to get to know you in a different way. I want to take you on a date. I know we're close, but it's not the kind of closeness I want with you right now. I want you to be my girl, K.K." He stared at me for a few seconds, looking sweet and hopeful.
"Jake, you know I could never say 'no' to that, coming from you."
He grinned. "You know this means you can't go to anymore baseball games with that guy," he said.
"What guy?"
Jake started to clarify, but he quickly smiled when he realized I was pretending I had no idea.
"Seriously," he said. "I know I have no right to ask you to switch around your life for me after all this time, but I'm sorry, I'm asking for it. I want you not to see him anymore, K.K. I want you not to see anybody besides me. Aunt Jana told me all that today, and I realized that all this time, you are the best person I know. All this time, you were right here in front of me. The more I thought about it, the more I started to fear that I had missed my chance with you. I spent all day going back and forth, and I realized that just wasn't acceptable. I can't just stand by and let some guy, some other guy, have you. I have to have you, Kristen. I'm so sorry it took me so long to figure that out." He stared at me with an intense expression before giving me a slow sideways grin. "Today, I remembered so many things. Memories of you kept flooding my mind. Like that time we went canoeing and you had to suck the venom out of a bee sting for Shannon Parker because she was screaming her head off."
I laughed at the memory. "I don't even know if that helped," I said. "She was just freaking out, so I did the only thing I could think of."
"And thank God you did," Jake said. "She was completely hysterical before you did that. That was crazy. She was freaking out. Even if that whole venom-sucking thing didn't actually work, it did in her mind. You saved us all a tremendous headache that day." He flinched at the memory. "I just felt bad for you since it was her foot and everything."
I laughed. "It was just the top of it. It's not like I had to put my mouth on the bottom."
Jake laughed and shook his head as he thought about it, and then his expression softened and became more serious. "I just kept remembering things like that," he said. "All day today. Small, funny things, and big moments of heroics. Kristen, I knew you were beautiful on the inside and out. It was like… I knew you were beautiful, but I couldn't see it or understand it the right way, and then today… today with the things Aunt Jana said… and then, I saw that picture of you. I could see you for what you are. I feel like there is nothing else to do but beg you to be with me."
Chapter 14
"So, what do you say?" Jake asked, pulling me even closer by adjusting the grip he had around my waist. He was still holding my arm, and he shifted it so that my palm was resting on his chest.
I was floored by the surge of adrenaline I felt at his touch. It was like waves of cold heat rushing through my body in short bursts. The actual waves of ocean water hitting my feet only added to the sensation.
Jake gave me another little squeeze when I didn't answer right away.
"What do you say?"
"You must know I'm incapable of telling you 'no' by now."
"No, I don't know that," he said. "I hope you don't tell me 'no', but I have no idea what you're thinking right now."
I slowly lifted my free hand. It was shaking as I brought my fingertips to his jaw. I barely made contact with him, which made it obvious to both of us that I was shaking.
His face morphed into a kind smile. "You're still leaving me hanging," he whispered. The sound of the wind and the waves provided a slow, rhythmic hiss that barely prevented me from hearing his words.
"What did you say?"
"You're leaving me hanging," he said a little louder.
"Jake, you know where I stand."
He shook his head. "No, I don't. I have no idea. You have to tell me. An hour ago, you were on a date with a different guy. I can't just assume that I can say the word and you're gonna go for having everything change between us."
"Yes, you can," I said. I delivered the statement with complete seriousness, and it caused Jake to grin. His dimples deepened, and I stared straight at them.
My hand began to move without my permission. My fingertips found their way up his jaw and onto the side of his cheek. I watched in wonder as I let my thumb brush over the indention of his dimple. Then, I focused on his mouth before shifting to stare into his eyes again.
"You can just say the word."
"What will happen if I say the word?" he asked. He licked his lips, which gave me a hot, liquid feeling in my lower abdomen. I visibly flinched at the feeling. I had wanted him so badly and for so long that the sensation of yearning was almost more than I could bear. It was a tangible, physical, pulsing burst of desire.
"Are you okay?" he asked, noticing the way I tensed-up.
"Yes," I said.
"What will happen if I say the word?" he asked again.
"Pretty much whatever you want to happen," I whispered helplessly.
His eyes roamed to my mouth. "What I want is to kiss your lips right now."
I took in a deep breath, but before I could say anything, he said, "Can I do that? Can I kiss you? May I kiss you?"
I was going to say something to the effect of, "Please do," or "I've been waiting for this to happen my whole life," but again, before I could say anything, Jake moved,
distracting me. This time, he ducked his head while pulling me closer. He buried his face in the crook of my neck, and I let out a tiny gasp at the feel of his nose and cheek hitting my skin. He breathed in, again seeming to take in the smell of me.
"Oranges," he said.
"Uh-huh," I said, knowing he was talking about the smell of my oil.
"K.K."
"What?"
His mouth was right next to my neck. I could feel the warm air coming from his lips. His grip on the back of my waist was gentle but firm, and he wrapped the other hand behind my neck, letting his fingers find the back of my head.
"I'm gonna kiss you," he said.
"You said that," I said.
"I didn't say it, I asked it. I asked permission, but you didn't answer, so I figured I'd just tell you that I'm going to do it—give you a fair warning."
His mouth was right next to my ear as he spoke, and by the time he was finished, my fingers had curled into tight balls. One of them was next to his face, and the other was still resting on his chest, but both of them were clinched into fists. Jake lifted his head, stretching and standing at his full height, which forced me to look up at him.
"Kristen."
"What?" I whispered.
He glanced down. "Relax."
"I am."
He gave me a half-smile. "Put your fingers back where they were."
I took a deep breath, flexing my hand slowly and letting my fingertips fall onto his face again. "Now, wrap your hand around the back of my head."
Carefully, I moved so that my fingers traveled from his cheek, over his ear, and to the back of his head.
"Like you mean it," he added.
My feather-light touch must have been too insignificant for Jake. I ran my fingertips through the hair on the back of his neck with more pressure, and he leaned back, closing his eyes and smiling contentedly. I flexed my fingers, letting my nails gently scratch his scalp.
Jake let out a low moan as he brought his head up to once again stare at me. Absentmindedly, he licked his bottom lip.
"Jake?"
"Yeah?"
"Am I alive?"
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