“I was so angry. Stuck overseas. Couldn’t help my parents. Couldn’t help my sister. It was as though all of my control was slipping away.”
“You never told me any of this. We were together at this time. I could have helped—”
“No,” he barked. “Don’t you see, it was my job. My responsibility. And part of that job was to keep you safe as well. How the hell was I going to dump on you if I couldn’t be around to make it better?”
She wanted to retort, to fight back. She wanted to argue that if they had a genuine partnership, he would not have had to worry about control. But instead she just pursed her lips tightly, letting him finish.
“So I tightened up.” He lifted his eyes to hers and saw the confusion on her face. “I started trying to control everything. I became immersed in our missions. I was known as having the most control of anyone on the squad. If they needed something or someone, they turned to me.” He sighed, shaking his head slightly. “Then it all went to hell.”
She watched as he rubbed his hand over his face as though to wipe memories away. This man who had always seemed so strong…what happened?
“We were out on a mission. We’d finally accomplished the rescue and were on our way out of the village. I was the last to leave, bringing up the rear. I was to make sure that no one was seeing us leave—that we slipped out as quietly as we slipped in. If anyone noticed, I would have taken care of it.”
She continued to move her fingers along his arm, totally involved in the story knowing that something dreadful must be coming. Like watching a scary movie, knowing you should shut your eyes but kept them foolishly open anyway.
“I heard cries from the same hut as before, so I made my way to the window to peek in, to make sure there was no one who had seen us.” He closed his eyes tightly to shut out the scene…but it came back anyway. It always did.
“A man was on top of a woman, her gown pushed up to her waist and he was…at first I thought they were just fucking but I could see her crying as she tried to push him away. Fighting him. I froze, Mackenna. I just fucking froze.
“My job was to get the fuck outta there without letting anyone see us, but that woman turned her face toward the window and I heard her gasp as she realized I was standing there.”
He hesitated as he brought his gaze back to hers. “I realize that you can’t possibly understand the code. The mission. But my job was to neutralize any threat. Any threat. And right then, I should have shot them both.”
She held onto the gasp, knowing that the last thing he needed was censure from her. It’s not my place to know what their code was, knowing that he did what he was trained to do to keep the squad alive.
Licking her lips, she just nodded, willing him to finish his tale.
“But all I could see was Hannah.”
Her eyes widened at this revelation.
“It was as though I were looking at Hannah underneath that rutting bastard and I wanted to kill him.” Rubbing his hand over his face again, he continued. “I hesitated. Special Forces never hesitate. We are so disciplined and trained that we never hesitate. Whatever the mission calls for that is what we do, or else my brothers could die. But I fucking hesitated. I made it personal. Then I saw red and started to go to her. I looked at the woman’s eyes and saw fear. Embarrassment. Pain.
“And then I totally fucked up. Instead of killing him and her too or at the least, leaving quickly…I actually moved toward the window thinking to help.”
Jobe turned his anguished eyes toward Mackenna and said, “All I fucking saw was Hannah laying there. It was as though I was moving toward my sister. “Then swear to God, that woman moved quicker than anything as she rolled over, grabbed the man’s gun and before I could get to her, she put the gun to her head and pulled the trigger.”
Closing his eyes tightly, he could still see the blood and brains splatter the room. Opening his eyes, his vision cleared and he saw Mackenna looking at him, hanging on his every word. I have to have her understand. I lost it then. I lost the me that she knew then.
“My weapon had a silencer…hers did not. So as I stared at her broken body, still seeing my sister, I heard Tony on my radio to get the hell out. So do you see? I compromised the mission, my brothers, because I lost control. I allowed my emotions to rule and almost got everyone killed.”
“You did what you needed to do, Jobe,” she whispered, wanting to give him absolution. “What anyone should do. You tried to help.”
He shook his head slowly, disagreeing. “To the average Joe, yeah sure. But to a soldier, I was wrong. Dead wrong.”
“What happened then?”
“We got out of there, most of the team not realizing what occurred and we made it to the rendezvous point intact. Got back to the base and then I lost it. Went on a rampage. All my anger and rage came out. Rage over not being there to help my sister. For putting her in the hands of someone I trusted who turned out to be a rapist. Rage over almost killing my squad. Rage over anything that made me feel like I could not control.”
He held her gaze, refusing to look away. “And that included you. I…I knew that I couldn’t keep you safe or have thoughts of you invading my mind when I was on missions. Just having a relationship that I couldn’t control and would possibly take away my concentration…I went berserk. I ransacked my bunk. Grabbed your letters and tore them into a million pieces.”
Her gasp cut into him as he knew he was giving her more pain.
“The others had no idea what was happening except for Gabe, Vinny, and Tony. By the time they intervened, I had already sent you the Dear John email and destroyed most of my room.”
He felt her fingers still on his arm and wondered if she would take away her touch now. Slowly, they began their movements again and he let out the breath he had not realized he was holding.
“Tony told me I had to get immediate counseling before he would let me go back on another mission and I readily agreed. Nothing was going to keep me from the squad. So I did exactly what he said. Three weeks of intensive counseling by the Army shrink.” Giving a rueful snort, he said, “The guy was okay but honestly, his job was to get me back in the field. So while I did learn about control with him, I went right back into missions with the idea that ultimate, absolute control was everything.”
He held her gaze, wondering what was going through her mind, but found the words to ask were stuck in his throat.
“And…I…did not fit into that picture anymore…did I?” she asked, pain lacing every word.
Chapter 12
Jobe stared at the woman that he had never stopped loving. Even when he tried to deny it. Even when he convinced himself that loving was the same as losing control. Even when he got out of the Army and knew that he had thrown away the best of him.
Swallowing hard, he said, “At that time…no, there was no room for the uncertainty of love.” He saw his words slice into her and he cursed.
“But fuck, doll. I was wrong.” Seeing the tears well in her eyes, he rushed on. “When we got out, I’d been decorated, praised for the dedication to the Forces, revered by my squad members as being the cool, level-headed one in all missions. But I was empty on the inside. Came home, spent time with my family.
“Hannah was married with a baby on the way. She had gotten into counseling and I envied her. She was stronger than I’d ever seen.” The silence slid over them for a few minutes, each processing their memories. “She was the one that got me into counseling. I started going to a VA counselor who finally broke through my fucked up priorities.”
He shifted again slightly, hoping her hand would stay on his arm. He was not disappointed. He was not even sure if she were aware of her touch on his skin. But he was. That little touch. That human contact. That tiny evidence that maybe, just maybe she would be able to learn to forgive him.
“What,” she hesitated as she cleared her throat, “what did you learn?”
“I learned about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and how it affects different
people in different ways. I didn’t have nightmares…well, sometimes I did. But not as much as many others. I didn’t become disabled…instead, I went in the opposite direction. I became a workaholic. If I became the best goddamn SF, then I could make up for not being there for my sister. For not being there for my family. For almost fucking up the mission with my squad. I had substituted control for my own humanity.”
Nodding slowly, Mackenna knew that what he said fit some of the patterns she had read about. Licking her dry lips, she asked the question that had been plaguing her for weeks since he had come back into her life.
“Why did you not try to find me? Reach out to me?”
“Would it have made a difference?”
Her gaze jerked up to his, a sharp retort on her tongue.
He quickly added, “Not that I blamed you. But I knew you hated me. Hated everything I had thrown away. Everything I had done.” Her silence was his acknowledgment that what he said was true. “I thought about you all the time. I could have so easily found out where you had moved to once I was working with Tony and we had all the resources needed at my fingertips. Where you lived. Where you worked.”
“But you didn’t?” Her question was more of a statement of what she knew. He had not even tried to find her.
“I could not stand the thought of seeing you with someone else. A Facebook page showing you happy in another relationship. I know that was selfish because I did want you to be happy. I…I guess I was a coward. I just did not want the evidence of you without me. But I also didn’t feel like I could try to get your forgiveness. It took me a helluva long time in counseling to see what had happened to myself. How could I even try to get you to understand?”
“I wish I’d known,” she said, wistfulness filling her voice.
She stared down at where her hand rested on his arm, the feel of his warm skin underneath her fingertips.
“I just wanted sex earlier. No emotion, just sex,” she said absentmindedly. He said nothing. “I just wanted to feel…something besides being sad.” He still remained quiet. Her eyes looked back into his. “I guess I should have known I couldn’t just have sex with you, no matter how much I told myself that it was just that.”
Sighing deeply, she continued, “I did hate you for a while. When I got your email…that was the same week that dad was diagnosed with cancer. In fact, if you want to know about shit timing, I had sat down at my computer to send you a message telling you when I opened your email breaking up with me.”
“Baby, I’m so—”
“No, Jobe. Let me get this out. Please.”
He sighed, knowing he owed her much more than that. He found his hand had wandered to her blanket covered leg and he felt the warmth radiating from her body through the material.
“I finished college while dad underwent chemo. I spent every weekend with them, watching him get weaker and weaker.” Her gaze met his but held no anger. Just resignation. “I tried to write you back, sure that you had just reacted out of a bad mood or something. I couldn’t believe that you could just set me aside so quickly. So callously. But the emails were not answered. The letters were unanswered.
“I couldn’t let my dad see my pain, so I didn’t tell my parents. Dad would talk about how he wanted to live long enough to walk me down the aisle and I let him keep dreaming. It broke my heart, but I let him plan while all along I knew you were gone.”
Swallowing several times to keep the tears from coming, she continued, “He finally passed, slipping away peacefully in the night. Hospice had come in and his pain was controlled by morphine. Mom and I were there, each holding his hand.” A lone tear escaped her tightly shut eyes.
“I let you go then, Jobe. I had no room in my heart for more grief. More pain. So all the hope I had clung to…just slipped away.” Her pain-filled eyes searched his. “I allowed myself to become bitter. That’s what kept me going.”
Shaking her head slowly, she said, “And for about four years that worked. I got a job in social work, we sold the house that was way too big for us and moved into a smaller condo. Mom wanted me to have my own life, but I just couldn’t leave her alone. Maybe the truth is that I didn’t want to be alone either.
“I thought I had gotten over you, but sometimes, in the middle of the night, when all was quiet…the tears would come again.”
The pain in his heart was so piercing, he moved his hand over his chest, rubbing absentmindedly as though to ease the ache.
“And just when I thought that life was getting back to some semblance of order, mom had her stroke. I was terrified, Jobe,” her voice cracked. “I didn’t know how I would survive another loss. First you and then dad. If I lost mom too, I knew I’d give up.”
Wiping another stray tear, she plunged on, “So I got a job in Richland that actually dealt with women’s issues, moved us here so that she had better rehab care and…well, that’s where my story ends. I had finally worked to put you completely behind me when you popped back up.”
Giving a little shrug, she said, “I guess that’s all there is.”
“Not all, baby,” he said, reaching over to wipe a tear. Her eyes found his again. “We had a past. I fucked it up, but that’s still in the past. What about now? What about the future? Is there any way you can forgive me? Give me another chance? Give us a chance?”
He left his hand on her face as he stroked her cheek with his thumb, wiping the tears that continued to slide down. He wanted nothing more than to pull her in. Kiss those tears away. Change it all. Giving in to life is learning to hand over some control…the words of his counselor came back to him. Staring into her light, brown eyes, he knew he was lost. Lost in her. And it was perfect. Come on, doll. Please give me a chance.
Mackenna’s chest rose and fell with each breath as he held her gaze. Squeezing her eyes shut, she tried to dredge up the anger. The hate. The feeling of having lost everything. But it was not there. She could not find it. Her chin quivered as more tears streamed from her tightly closed eyes. All she wanted…all she needed…she opened her eyes…was right there in front of her.
“I…” her voice cracked. “I forgive you,” she whispered so softly that he was not sure for a second what she had said.
She saw his expression of uncertainty and repeated, “I forgive you, Jobe. But I’ve got to tell you that I’m scared. I can’t go through having my heart shredded again.”
“I’m not the same man I was, Mackenna. I can’t promise that I won’t ever make you mad or do something stupid. But I swear on my life…I’ll never walk away. I’ll never hurt you like that again. If all you can do is start with forgiving me, then I’ll take it from there. I’ll work every day to make sure you know that you’re the center of my world. Always.”
Her chin continued to quiver as she stared at the man in front of her. The anger and hate had disappeared with her forgiveness. He was not the same man she fell in love with seven years ago and she knew for sure that he was not the same man who fractured her heart two years after that. As she peered into his eyes, searching for the truth…she found it. And it wrapped around her soul.
“I…I choose us, Jobe,” she said, her voice choking with tears. “I choose us.”
He gasped as he broke into a sob, finally pulling her in tightly where she belonged. His head rested on her chest, her heartbeat steady in his ear. Unashamedly, he cried. Tears for the time that had been lost. The innocence surrendered. Time wasted fighting a battle that never should have been fought.
Her arms cradled him close to her as she realized that this strong man needed her. Wanted her. Using the edge of the blanket, she wiped his tears as she rocked him back and forth, offering comfort as much as taking it.
After several long minutes, Jobe lifted his head and placed a kiss on her lips. A whisper of a kiss. Reverent. Quiet, while speaking volumes.
He moved back, settling her against him now, with their positions changed. This time her head was cradled on his massive chest, his strong heartbeat underneath her cheek.
A slow smile curved the corners of her lips as the feeling of peace descended over the room. She melted into his embrace, knowing that she had missed this closeness most of all.
Moving her head back, they stared at each other for a moment before he leaned down and captured her lips once again. This time, as rediscovered lovers. Her lips were soft and pliant under his, allowing him to control the intensity, the depth.
He slid his tongue back inside in a slow exploration, as though he had never known such ecstasy. Her taste was as familiar to him as always. As her tongue slid across his, he felt his erection growing. His hand moved from her cheek down to her neck where he could feel her pulse beat wildly. His lips followed the trail of his hand, moving to that spot in the hollow of her neck where he nipped and licked.
She shivered with the sensations, knowing this was different from earlier. Then, she had just wanted a fuck and, while she knew he would have never agreed to just that, she tried hard to keep her emotions at bay. But this? This was the dance of lovers.
He felt her shiver again as he slid her shirt off and his hand moved to her breast. Tweaking one nipple as his lips found the other, he alternated between the breasts, sucking, nipping, tugging, and licking until both nipples were elongated with need.
As his mouth continued its ministrations, he slid his hand lower until her soaking folds were discovered. Inserting one finger, and then two, he moved them slowly, exploring her pussy once more, finding just the right spots that had her squirming and moaning. He moved his fingers in a circle, deep inside and then pulling them out to swirl them around her clit before plunging back inside. His lips made their way back to hers, as his tongue mimicked his fingers.
She felt strung as tight as a bow, the waiting excruciating. Her hips undulated next to his as her hand moved down toward his cock. Before she could have her next coherent thought, the waiting was over as her inner walls grabbed at his fingers deep inside.
He watched as she leaned her head back, her hands fisted at her sides as her body jerked its response when the orgasm ripped through her.
Jobe: Alvarez Security Series Page 12