He stares at me, breathing hard. “You might be on to something. Maybe this could be a good way to work through the pain. We can set rules, come home, do things as normal. But as far as you and me, we can figure ourselves out on our own.”
I always wondered what it felt like when your soul detaches from your body. I thought you had to be dead to experience it, but I was wrong. I experienced it when I lost Kayla, and it felt as if someone had ripped the heart right out of my body. I thought I’d never feel that kind of pain again. But I was wrong. He’s agreeing. I didn’t expect that. I expected a fight, screaming, throwing stuff, but this… cold, resigned agreement slashes me.
“What?” I whisper, stunned.
“I can’t do this anymore either,” he says. “There’s too much here, and I think we could both use a break from it.”
Where did my Cooper go? “You’re okay with this?”
“Yeah, It’s… I’m good.”
He looks at me, and I see nothing in his eyes. Nothing at all. What the fuck just happened?
“Cooper, I made plans for tonight.” I swallow hard, my guilty confession tumbling out of my mouth. My heart stops, hoping this will shake him out of his stupor. I made plans, but I never wanted to go through with them. He’s forcing my hand. Oh my God… Is this happening?
He flinches slightly, and I see a flash of pain in his eyes. He swallows, and that hint of life leaves him. He’s giving up.
No, please. Don’t give up.
He tilts my face up to his. His eyes glisten with sorrow. Tears stream down my face. I just want my husband, but he doesn’t want me. I repulse him. I sicken him. My legs weaken as pain explodes within me like fireworks. He grabs me and holds me tight, burying his face in my neck. I feel him tremble.
He sucks in a deep breath, pulls back, and looks at me. “Life’s fucked us good, baby. I can’t cope, and I don’t know when I’ll be able to give you what you need. I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t know what else to do. I’m sorry. Nothing changes. I still love you. You still love me. We’ll just change some stuff. Figure out some rules. We’ll always come home at the end of the day. This is just a moment, a bump. We’ll figure it out later.” He kisses my nose and steps away. He walks out of the kitchen, taking my heart with him.
I crumble and roll to my side, pulling my knees into my body. I tremble and die a thousand deaths. I pray that when I’m done, I’ll be numb. I want to feel detached, because without it, I’m not sure I can handle this torture.
I blink, my body quaking with tremors from the cold water pummeling my skin. My stomach clenches, and guilt, so thick and heavy, invades me. I ruined us. In one sweep, in one day, I ruined everything we had. I betrayed my husband, but worse than that, I betrayed myself.
My hands shake as I wait for him to unlock the door. I can’t control the nervous twitches that steamroll through my body. I’m sick over what I’m doing. My legs feel like lead weights as he sweeps his hand to the small of my back to usher me in.
Why am I doing this?
What’s wrong with me?
Stop… Stop it, Kylie. I push away all my anxious thoughts. Cooper doesn’t want me. He can’t even look at me. I have to do this. Maybe after it’s done, I’ll feel numb, disconnected from my life. I need that to take this searing pain that centers near the core of my body away. It’s swallowing me with each passing second.
I walk into the posh hotel room, taking in the modern décor, and look back at Wesley. He smiles and closes the door, then walks over to me. My stomach revolts, knowing he’s about to touch me. I breathe as deeply as my lungs will allow, trying not to crawl out of my skin and cringe away from his touch. I need to force myself to go through with this.
“Can I take your sweater?” he asks.
I swallow, feeling my throat dry. “Sure.”
His hands slide up my arms to my shoulders, and he drags the sweater down slowly. He sets it on the sofa, his eyes gleaming. “Do you need a drink?”
“No, thank you.” I smile timidly and fidget with my shirt. Every nerve is screaming that this is wrong, but I don’t care.
I don’t want to care anymore.
He pulls me close and runs a hand through my loose hair. I swallow and look up at a face I don’t know. A face I really don’t want to know. My stomach churns.
“Calm down. I’m going to take care of you.”
His whispered words do nothing to calm me. They only inflame my need to escape. I war within myself and berate my body for being so screwed up.
I decide to just shut my brain off and do this so I can get the hell out of here. I lunge at him, dragging my hands through his hair and pushing my lips against his. I place my tongue on the seam of his lips, and he opens. Our tongues glide against each other for the first time. I shudder, but I shove the response away, not wanting to listen to my inner voice. I don’t care what the consequences are if this makes the incessant pain go away.
I grip his dress shirt and tear at his buttons, wanting to speed this torture along. He pulls back, surprised, and helps me. He looks needy, and I see his cock straining against his pants. His chest is smooth and tanned. I feel myself shudder again, not from lust but revulsion. He grabs the hem of my shirt. I breathe and painfully lift my arms, my insides sounding an alarm, desperately shouting no as he withdraws my shirt.
I swallow and look away as his eyes stroke my body. He groans in approval. His hands come to the front clasp of my bra, unhooking it. I squeeze my eyes together, trying to stop my tears as my breasts lay bare to him.
This is the first time any man other than Cooper has seen my tits. My shoulders shake and I suppress the urge to cover myself. His palms rake over my arms and against the sides of my breasts, caressing my torso. I groan internally, wanting to die, to run away. His mouth clamps over my right nipple, and my legs weaken. Cooper’s face flashes in my mind. I feel my heart wither and the first stab of numbness set in.
There are no words, no tender whispers as he moves from one nipple to the other. After he’s had his way with them, his hands grip the waist of my jeans, and my legs can’t take the weight anymore. I grab his shoulders, and he hoists me up to the bed.
I never look in his eyes. I never make any kind of emotional contact. I need to protect myself from the damage I’m inflicting. He lays me down and takes off my pants, pulling off my thong at the same time. When I’m bared to him, I hear him grunt and his zipper being pulled down. I fight the urge to close my legs when I hear the condom wrapper being opened. I can’t help the tortured sob that burns through my throat. I’m so overcome with devastation over what I’m doing that I feel the urge to die.
He pulls his naked body against mine and whispers, “Relax, Kylie. Try to breathe. I’m not going to hurt you, this’ll feel good. You’ll like it. I promise.”
His cock nudges my entrance, and I grip his back, my nails digging deep. He hisses, and I choke on a scream, suppressing every emotion as he pierces through me in one sweep. I see green eyes. My body convulses, my insides revolting as I feel a stranger rip into me repeatedly.
I feel no pleasure. After a couple minutes, my mind shuts down. He finishes quickly. I withdraw and grab my clothes. I need to get out of there. We say nothing. Not one damn thing.
He used me, and I used him.
I run to the elevator, punch the buttons, and race to my car.
I pull up at the house, my heart in absolute disarray. My entire body is strung so tight I feel ready to snap.
What have I done?
I scream as I pound my fist into the steering wheel. I’m so tortured by my own self. I’m imploding my own life. How could I do this to him, to us? I cry with my hands wrapped around the wheel and my head resting on it. I’m so lost and lonely. I’m sickened by who I am. After a while, I get out, hoping Cooper’s in bed and doesn’t see me like this.
I unlock the door and walk in slowly, seeing only the kitchen light. I close the door quietly, hoping not to wake him. I can’t face him right now. I can’t
face him ever. I need to get to the bathroom and scrub that man off my body. I stop dead when I see Cooper in the hallway, looking at me.
His eyes slice through mine. It happens so quickly I have no time to disguise my betrayal. It’s all there in my rumpled clothes, messy hair, puffy eyes, and swollen lips. His head drops, and I see his chest heave. I want to run to him, but I know he doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want my touch.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper, my voice broken.
I stare at him, feeling my life flash before my eyes. Everything I’ve ever done wrong, everything I’ve lost, every good and bad moment. I know in the depth of my soul that this’ll go down as my biggest regret. I already feel the damage I’ve inflicted on us. I hear him breathing heavily, and I know he’s crying.
After what feels like forever, he brings his eyes to mine, and I break. My legs give out at the betrayal that seeps off him, punching me through the gut.
I never thought it was possible to die from a broken heart. But in this moment it’s all clear, in vivid clarity.
I have single-handedly fucked my marriage.
I have inflicted a damage so deep that it might be irreparable. Yes, he said he was okay with this, but how can he share the one thing that has only ever been his? The person he pledged his life to? What happens when that person steals that from you the way I have done this to him? How do you function? How do you go on?
I betrayed him. I was callous, selfish, and did something so wrong that it’s changed the course of our lives.
In this moment, with his devastated gaze blazing through me, I know I have hurt him deeply. I sit on the floor, broken before him. He cries, his eyes never leaving mine. He wants me to see what he feels. He wants me to feel what he’s going through.
“I’m so sorry,” I sob.
He stills and swallows, opening his mouth and shutting it. His body rocks from anger and rage, but he suppresses it. He holds it in. After a minute, he shakes himself and rolls his shoulders, clearing his throat. “There’s nothing to be sorry for,” he breathes, his tone something I can’t distinguish. “This is the new deal. We’ll just have to get used to it.”
He walks out of the room, and my heart stops. I’ve lost him. He’s gone.
Curled in the corner of the shower, naked and cold, I remember that day. I rock back and forth, ignoring the sounds around me. Shame and regret throb through me like the beat of a heart. Someone shouts my name, but I close my eyes, too exhausted to move. Too hollow to do anything other than sit here cold and void.
I’ve let so many people down. It started with Kayla, moved to Cooper, and ended with Gray. Why would Cooper want me after all I’ve done? I don’t deserve him.
The bathroom door swings open, slamming against the wall. I startle and look up at Cooper, standing there looking worried.
“Jesus, Kylie, what the hell are you doing? You’re an hour late.” He sounds upset, but when he looks at me and registers my shivering, coiled up body, he blinks and takes off his suit jacket. “Whoa, what’s going on?”
I cry. My body is being torn apart by grief. It’s tangible and hovers like a cloud around me. “I’m so sorry. God, I’m so, so sorry. I’m so sorry.”
He climbs in the shower in his dress shirt and slacks, hissing as the cold water pelts his back. He squats in front of me, his face marred with concern. “What are you sorry for? Everything’s okay, Ky. Can you get up? Let’s get you out of here. The water’s freezing.”
His arms wrap around me, one gripping my waist and the other hooking under my legs. I cling to him and sob into his neck, repeating my regret and shame in continued apologies. I feel his breath feather against me, his warmth enveloping me. I clutch him tighter, not wanting to let go. He carries me to the bed and sits, cradling me.
“Cooper,” I breathe between sobs, “God, I’m so sorry. I ruined it all. Everything. You, me, Kayla. I killed it all. I killed everything.”
“Kylie, whoa. Hey, what brought this on? Let’s calm down.”
“I ruined you. I ruined us.”
He moves me off him and grabs my face, his eyes locking with mine. He shakes his head. “No, no, you didn’t. Stop this. What’s going on? Tell me.”
“Do you remember the first night…? The first night I came home and was with someone else?”
He blinks and looks confused. “Kylie, that was a long time ago.”
“I broke you that night,” I breathe out, devastated. “I fucked up everything. Did you stop loving me that day?” I stare at him, tears spilling down my face. I can’t keep in the haunting pain I’ve stuffed down for so long. He’s looking at me with such concern. His eyes are glistening and he seems torn over what to say. “That was the day, wasn’t it? The day you couldn’t look at me again. The day you hated me.”
Cooper’s blonde hair, wet from the shower, lays messily against his forehead. His dress shirt clings to his abs and chest. He’s still the most stunning man I’ve ever seen. From his piercing eyes that blaze right through me, to his incredible smile that can light me up in a second. He turns my body inside out. And I ruined it. All of it. I shared him with other women.
Who does that?
Who shares the man of her dreams?
Who tells her husband it’s okay to fuck other people?
“I’m sorry, Cooper. I was never good enough for you. I wasn’t even able to give you a healthy baby. I wasn’t there when you were grieving and needed me most.” I curl my arms around myself to hide my nakedness and my shame. “I’m sorry for being a constant reminder of what you’ve lost. For only thinking about what I needed and what you weren’t giving me. I’m sorry for not waiting, for not standing by my vows. I failed us. I wish I could go back and do it all over.” I swallow and force out this last part which kills me. “I’m sorry you can’t touch me without hurting. Without feeling sick. Without being repulsed. I’m sorry I turned out to be the opposite of the girl of your dreams. I failed you, myself, and Kayla.”
I bury my face in my hands and feel Cooper get up. I look and see him taking off his shirt, pulling down his slacks, and climbing onto the bed next to me again. He pulls the covers back, wraps his arms around me, and pulls me under them. He wraps his body around mine, pulling the covers tight around us. My body releases another sob, my trembling forceful. He pulls me in close, spooning me.
I feel his breath, a soft wisp sweeping across my ear, as he whispers, “You’re okay, Kylie. We’ve both fucked this up. You don’t repulse me. I never said that, and I never would. I wish I could take back what I said to you that day.” His chest heaves as he struggles with words. “I knew the moment those words came out of my mouth that they would tear you down. I never wanted to give voice to them. I don’t know why I did.” He kisses my head and grips me tighter. “You would have been an amazing mother.”
A tear drips on my head, and his voice breaks as he continues. “You didn’t do anything to lose our baby. Not one fucking thing. It was just the way the cards fell. We were screwed by life. I’ve let you down too. I let our family down. I just never thought we’d have to deal with that. Never thought it was in our cards.” His body trembles as he opens up to me. “I don’t know how to explain myself to you, Ky. It’s been hard to see you and not be able have you. I don’t know how to work through that. I’m not going to lie to you. A part of me is scared that it’s too late for us,” he exhales, anguish seeping from him. “That maybe too much has happened. But I have never stopped loving you. Even in my darkest hour I’ve loved you. It’ll never stop. I’ve been a bastard to you for so long. I shut down. It was the only way I could cope. I wish I could tell you something that would make you feel better, that would heal you in some way, but I can’t.”
He heaves an exhausted breath as if he’s in pain. I turn to face him and gaze into his eyes. His eyes are warm, but they’re still saturated with unease and sorrow. He’s not all the way here, but it’s more than he’s given me in so long.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I love you
more than anything. I haven’t shown you that, but you are my life, Cooper. You are my heart, and I’ve lost that. I’ve lost the most essential part of my body. I need you.”
“I don’t know how to give you what you need,” he whispers, tortured.
“Just try. Close your eyes and feel. Be with the person you married, Cooper. The girl you loved before everything went bad. We were happy. Don’t you remember the good times? Don’t you remember me, before all the pain? You loved me.”
He looks so unsure. I can feel that he doesn’t know how to react to me. It’s been so long, but here we lay, and the only thing separating us is a flimsy pair of boxers.
“Take a chance. Give me a chance… please, just one.”
He takes a breath and leans forward, gently pushing me onto my back. I breathe hard, my heart rapidly firing in my chest like a shot gun. His eyes close. I feel his breath against my lips as he hesitates, then closes the gap. He pushes against me so tenderly that my body melts. It’s just a peck, but I feel his body release a sigh.
“A chance,” he whispers hoarsely, crashing his mouth to mine.
I moan against him, taken with his taste and his body sliding against mine. Kissing him is like getting rain after a drought or having food after going hungry. It’s life-giving, quenching that ache that pours through every ounce of my blood. His kiss breathes life into me.
I grip his hair and pull him closer, wrapping my legs around him. His warm palms slide up my thighs and land on my ass. I shiver and hear him groan. The vibration pulls something deep and primal out of me. I grip his hands and bring them to my breasts, urging him to touch. I push his palms against them and hear him growl, “fuck.” He pulls his mouth away and latches onto my nipple. The feel of his tongue, making its first pass, has me blazing with need. I push his head closer, begging him to suck harder.
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