On this particular evening, her frustration with him had grown to a fever pitch. Together they put the girls to bed for the night and then he murmured a good-night to her and disappeared into his bedroom.
Josie sat on the sofa and steamed. It was as if he were punishing her because he’d wanted her, because she’d wanted him. It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right.
She stood, deciding it was past time she confronted him about how he’d been acting toward her for the past seven days. His bedroom door was partially closed, but she threw it fully open as if she had the right.
CHAPTER 11
He was still dressed and stretched out on his bed with his pillows plumped behind him and a magazine open in his lap. As she entered, he looked up, obviously startled.
“Josie, is something wrong?” he asked with a touch of alarm.
“As a matter of fact, something is.” She leaned against the door and narrowed her eyes. “It’s wrong that you have been treating me like a pariah ever since the night we made love. It’s definitely wrong that you refuse to look me in the eyes, that you barely talk to me and that you run in here and hide from me the minute the girls go to sleep each night.”
He sat up, a dusty red creeping into his cheeks. “I haven’t been hiding out. I’ve just been unusually tired over the last few days.”
She narrowed her eyes at what she knew was a blatant lie. “Really? Tired?” She shook her head. “That’s bull and you know it, Tanner. I think you’re not only beating yourself up for making love with me, but you’re also punishing me.”
“I’m not punishing anyone,” he protested, but he didn’t quite meet her gaze.
“What are you afraid of, Tanner?”
His gaze connected with hers once again. “I’m not afraid of anything,” he protested with a raise of his chin.
“You want to know what I believe? I think you’re afraid of loving me.” Her words hung in the air for several long moments and when he didn’t immediately speak she finally continued.
“I’m in love with you, Tanner. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and Lily and Leigh. I want to lie in your arms at night and laugh with you during the days.”
He stared at her and got off the bed. No joy leaped into his darkened eyes. No sudden epiphany curved his lips into an exuberant smile. Instead he looked at her as if she’d lost her ever-loving mind.
“Josie, you don’t know what you’re saying. This, us... It’s just not right. Whatever you think you feel for me, it isn’t real. We’ve just been through some traumatic events.”
“Don’t tell me what’s real and what isn’t.” She took a step toward him and was vaguely surprised when he took a step back as if not wanting her anywhere near him. “My feelings for you have nothing to do with things that have happened here outside of you and me. Tanner, I know what’s in my heart. I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
“I have nothing to give you,” he replied and shoved his hands into his pockets. “I have no intention of ever marrying again. I’m not even in the market for a long-term relationship.”
She searched his stoic features. He looked so handsome in his jeans and the blue T-shirt that enhanced the color of his eyes. But it wasn’t just his physical appearance that pulled such a wealth of love for him into her heart, and there was no way she believed he was as blasé about her, about them, as he pretended in this moment.
She frowned as a new thought entered her mind. “Is it because you’re still in love with Helen?” she asked. “Because if that’s true, then it’s a real tragedy. Helen is gone and she’s never coming back. If you don’t let her go to allow new love into your life then that means Lily and Leigh will never have the love of a mother figure in their lives.”
His eyebrows rose and then fell into a frown. “I can be enough for my girls. Besides, I’m not still in love with my ex-wife.”
“But you told me you still loved her when she left you.” Josie wanted to understand—what was happening? What was really keeping him from her?
“That lasted until I realized Helen wasn’t coming back to see the girls, that she had no intention of them having anything to do with her new life. My love for her died a cold, hard death before she was ever killed in the car accident.”
A sliver of relief rushed through Josie. She knew she could never compete with a ghost and she believed his words. She took another step toward him, her heart nearly beating out of her chest. “Then why are you so afraid of loving me?”
“You’re too young for me, Josie, and that’s something you can’t fix and you can’t change. We should have never kissed. We definitely shouldn’t have made love because as I said before, I have nothing to give to you.”
His cold tone and flat, emotionless eyes sliced a knife through her heart. She stared at him for several long, charged moments.
“You’re a fool, Tanner Grange,” she finally said. She whirled around and left the room before he could see the tears that burned at her eyes.
She escaped into the nursery, where she sat in a chair at the little table where she’d colored with the twins, where they’d played with toys and they’d fed her pretend “’sgetti” and cookies and juice.
Tears seeped down her cheeks as she breathed in the sweet scent of baby lotion and heard the little puffy breaths that Lily always made when she slept and thought about the soft little blanket that Leigh always pressed against her heart when she slept.
This was where she belonged. She felt it in her heart, in her soul. She also believed Tanner loved her, but she didn’t know what to do to make him embrace his feelings for her.
Too young.
It would have been laughable if it wasn’t so absolutely heartbreaking. He was only looking at a number rather than looking at her.
She wasn’t too young. She’d lived a lifetime of heartaches and had more life experience than people three times her age. She knew with certainty what she wanted and she was more than ready to be his wife and a mother to his children.
But it didn’t matter what she wanted. Her love for him meant nothing if he wouldn’t accept it. A sob choked out of her and she quickly stood and ran into her bedroom before the sound of her cries could awaken the twins.
She threw herself facedown on the yellow bedspread and muffled her cries with a pillow. The pain of broken dreams, of beautiful fantasies that would never come true, stabbed through her.
He was right. She couldn’t change it and she couldn’t fix it. She couldn’t magically change her age or his mind. She’d told him how much she loved him. She’d told him that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, and he’d rejected her.
She’d truly believed if she told him how she felt about him he would respond by telling her he loved her, that he wanted her in his life forever. But that hadn’t happened and it wasn’t going to happen.
It was time to leave.
She cried until there were no tears left inside her. She remained on her bed, hoping—praying—Tanner would come to her, take her into his arms and tell her that he had been a fool and that he loved her and wanted her as his wife, as his partner.
But minutes ticked by...then an hour and then another hour and that didn’t happen. The suite was quiet and in darkness except for the night-light that cast illumination in the nursery and the bright moonlight that danced through her bedroom window.
The thought of getting up in the morning and pretending her world was right was nauseating. The idea of spending more time with Tanner and the girls knowing she would never, ever be a permanent member of the family was torturous.
She would now be an outsider here, as she’d been for most of her life. With every minute that passed she would be reminded that she had no place here except as a temporary nanny.
Yes, it was definitely time to leave.
Peggy would probably be glad to step in and help Tanner with the girls until he could find a new nanny, and it was better to leave now before the twins got too attached t
o her.
Josie-love. Her heart squeezed tight and the back of her throat threatened to close up with new tears. Over the past week both Lily and Leigh had called her that. She only wished their father would call her that, too. She only wished...
It was just after midnight when she crept out of her bedroom and down the hallway. Her suitcase weighed heavily in her hand. It was filled not only with the items she’d brought with her to the ranch, but also the burden of unrequited love.
When she passed Tanner’s bedroom, the weight got heavier and new tears burned hot, tears she quickly swallowed against. She wouldn’t shed another tear over him.
It was over. It was done, and it was time for her to remember why she’d come here in the first place, the mission her family had tasked her with.
Trevor had told her that Matthew might not last the week. It was time to get the job done and return to Granite Gulch. Her father would have his precious watch and life would go on.
She paused in the kitchen and opened a drawer and removed a small paring knife. Carefully she stuck it into her pocket. Hopefully the only thing she’d need to use it on was the hard Texas soil when she dug for the watch.
Thankfully she managed to get out of the suite without Tanner awakening. The last thing she wanted was another confrontation with him.
She stood in the dark hallway just outside of the door for a long moment, her heart saying the goodbyes she wouldn’t be here to say in person.
She imagined the sweet skin of Leigh’s cheek as she kissed her and the way Lily liked to wind her fingers into Josie’s hair. The sound of their giggles when Josie tickled them filled her head with a grief that made her want to fall to her knees.
She allowed the piercing grief to suffuse her for only a moment, and then with a determined grip of the suitcase handle, she headed down the hallway to exit the building.
She slid outside the door, where the moonlight made it easy for her to load her suitcase and purse into her car. With her belongings stowed away, she paused by the side of the driver door and looked around.
Hopefully she’d managed to get out of the building without anyone seeing her. This was probably better than her and Tanner trying to sneak out in the middle of the night. Two people would be more easily spotted than one.
She started walking across the lawn toward the tree in the woods, where hopefully she could dig up the watch. The only things she carried with her were her cell phone and the knife she’d taken to help her dig in the hard dirt.
Hurrying across the land, she knew she had a fairly long walk to reach the tree. Her senses were all on high alert. She was aware the moonlight that aided her along the way might also make her a visible target.
She attempted to use the shadow of trees to hide her presence. The last thing she wanted was for the gunman to see her, but she also didn’t want to run into any of the security team and have to explain what she was doing outside in the middle of the night.
All she wanted was to get the darned watch for her father and escape this place of heartbreak. She thought of Trevor’s words that their father was fading fast and the doctors weren’t giving him much more time.
Even if she hadn’t left the house tonight, she would have asked Tanner to take her back to the tree in the next day or two. Now she wouldn’t have to ask the man she loved for anything. She’d take care of it herself and then be gone.
Her feelings where her father was concerned were certainly a jumbled mess. She hated him for what he was, for what he had done to wreak havoc on so many lives, but there was still a little girl inside of her who desperately wanted to love the man who was her father.
She could have just gotten into her car and driven away. Still, even with everything that had happened, she didn’t want to leave here without the watch. She didn’t care whether it was a clue to hidden treasures or merely a piece of junk her father wanted. She just wanted to do what she’d told her siblings she’d do. She wanted to get one thing right.
Finally she reached the wooded area where Tanner had parked his truck when they’d come here before. It was much darker here with the moonlight barely filtering through the thick tree leaves.
Once again she paused before continuing forward. Her heart thrummed a frantic rhythm and she prayed that nobody had followed her here. She didn’t sense anyone close by, but she wasn’t sure she could trust her own instincts anymore. She’d sensed Tanner had loved her and that had certainly proved false.
She pulled her cell phone from her pocket and turned on the function that was a tiny beam of light. A shiver waltzed up her spine as she took a step forward and then paused again to look left, then right and then behind her.
A rustling noise froze her in her tracks. Her heart crashed against her ribs with a frenzied pounding. Her breath caught in the back of her throat, making it difficult to draw a breath.
Was it him? Was he here? Had he been watching and waiting? Had he seen her leave the house and followed her and was now ready to pounce?
The rustling noise sounded closer...near her feet. She pointed her beam down and in the bottom of a thick bush she spied two bandit eyes staring at her.
A raccoon. Thank God it was nothing bigger and meaner. Thank God it wasn’t a man with a gun. The animal scurried away and her breath shuddered out of her on a sigh of relief. She could deal with night creatures of the animal kind. What she didn’t want to encounter was a creature of the human kind.
She hurried forward, careful to make as little noise as possible and keeping her light focused on the ground so she didn’t trip. She didn’t want a fall that could break an arm or a leg.
The sound of the stream on her left side assured her that she was headed in the right direction. Get the watch and go home. Get the watch and go home. The words played over and over again in her head.
Finally she reached the tree. She fell to her knees at the base, just beneath the mysterious carvings that had been slashed into the trunk years ago.
She pulled the knife out of her pocket and slashed it into the ground. The dry earth was hard, but the knife worked some magic and broke it apart. When she’d broken up the dirt enough, she began to scoop it with her hands, seeking the long-buried watch that her father had said would be here.
She didn’t know how long she dug, using the knife and then her hands over and over again without finding anything. Momentarily exhausted by her exertions, she sat back on her haunches and frowned.
Was this just another one of her father’s manipulations? Was there even a watch buried here? He’d certainly enjoyed giving his children vague clues over a long period of time when they’d been trying to find where he’d buried their mother’s body.
It had only been when he’d given them the final clue of “blue” that Josie had remembered that sky-colored splash of paint on the old fence by the barn on the family homestead and they’d realized it was where he’d placed their mother.
At first all of them had thought about having her body moved to a cemetery, but in the end they had made the decision to leave her where she was, undisturbed in her final resting place. They had all gone to that place on the old homestead and she’d been mourned by all her children who had grown up without her loving presence.
Would Matthew send her here on a wild-goose chase for a watch that didn’t even exist? She chewed her bottom lip thoughtfully. But the gunman had said Matthew had bragged about the watch, that he’d told others about it.
Obviously the man who had been more than a thorn in their sides believed the watch not only existed, but also held a clue to a stash of money.
She bent forward and began to dig again in frustration, now not knowing if this was just one of her father’s sick games or if she would really find his old watch.
She widened the hole, wincing as she broke a nail in her frantic efforts. She dug faster, aware that every minute she was here was a minute when danger could come out of nowhere.
Tink.
Her fingernails glanced off something t
hat felt like metal. Her heart began to race again as she scrabbled to move the dirt away enough that she could grab the item.
Success. She pulled the round item from the dirt and then grabbed her cell phone light to look at it. A roar of excitement shot through her. A pocket watch with a piece of chain still connected to the fob. The chain was rusty, as was the watch itself, but the dirty old pocket watch felt wonderful in her grasp.
She quickly moved the dirt back into the hole and then got to her feet and shoved the watch and the knife into her pocket. Now all she needed to do was get back to her car and head to Granite Gulch. She would see to it that her father had the watch before he died. Mission accomplished.
“Josie Colton, we meet again.”
She froze in horror. The deep voice came out of the darkness to her left and her heart crashed to the pit of her stomach as the same man stepped into view with his gun pointed at her chest.
* * *
Tanner awoke with a start. He sat up and listened, but heard nothing but silence in the suite. He lay back down and looked at the clock on his nightstand. Just after midnight. He’d been asleep for only about a half an hour.
The second most difficult thing he had done in his life had been to keep himself isolated and distant from Josie for the past several days. The first most difficult thing he’d done was listen to her pour her heart out to him and virtually turn his back on her.
She had looked so beautiful when she’d burst into his room. Her cheeks had been flushed with a hot pink that matched her blouse and her eyes had sparked like a warrior woman on a quest.
Having to completely turn off his emotions from her had broken more than a piece of his heart even as he’d known he was breaking her.
However, he knew rejecting her was for the best, not just for her but for him and his daughters as well. The last thing he wanted was another broken relationship. The last thing he wanted for his daughters was for them to get closer to Josie, to love her even more than they did and have her walk away when they were old enough to feel her absence.
And eventually she would have walked away from him...from them. He was absolutely certain of that fact. She hadn’t experienced enough of real life to know if she was truly ready to be a wife, to be a mother.
Colton Cowboy Hideout (The Coltons of Texas, Book 7) Page 15