by T. K. Leigh
“Boo, Yankees,” a chorus of voices sounded around me. I looked up, laughing at how easily they picked up on the rivalry between the Red Sox, my team of choice, and the Yankees. Turning my attention back to the little boy, I said, “You’re David Ortiz. Big Papi.”
“Okay. Big Papi. I’ll hit a big slam.”
I chuckled. “Grand slam, but close enough,” I said. “Okay, you ready?”
The little boy bent his knees and held the bat as I had taught him, turning his head toward the pitcher’s mound. I nodded to Eli and he tossed an easy pitch. I stood back and waited in anticipation, as if this was game seven of the World Series.
Since I had arrived here, I had been teaching a group of young boys and girls everything I knew about American sports. I occasionally helped in the medical tent, but everything was well under control, so Eli and I spent most of our time playing soccer, basketball, and baseball, my personal favorite. It was challenging, considering many of these young kids had suffered injuries, some requiring amputation, while trying to escape the civil unrest in their home country. But instead of one kid trying to stand out and be better than another, they helped each other, even when they were on different teams. Adults could learn something from watching these kids interact with each other. It was humbling and eye-opening.
The crack of the bat brought me back to the present and I shot up, jumping up and down. “You did it! Run! Run!” I shouted, darting past home plate toward first to show him how to run the bases. “Keep going until I tell you to stop!”
“See! I’m Big Papi!”
I beamed, my smile reaching my eyes. It was the happiest I could remember being for months. Moments like these made me feel as if I had some purpose. “Yes, you are!”
As he rounded the bases, the opposite team cheering along with his own, I glanced at my watch.
Clapping as everyone congratulated the little boy, I gestured to them. “Come on. Bring it in, everyone!” They all ran toward me, throwing their second-hand baseball gloves in a mound. “That’s it for today,” I said and they all groaned. “We’ll pick it up sometime after your classes this week.”
“Can we watch a real baseball game one day?” a little girl, who couldn’t have been more than eight, asked.
“I’ll see what I can do,” I said, wishing there was a way for me to share the joy of a live baseball game with these kids. They probably would never be able to savor the smell of popcorn and hot dogs as they listened to the crack of the bat echo through the ballpark, thousands of people cheering. It was one of the things that always excited me, even as I neared my thirties. There was something timeless about sitting in Fenway Park watching the Red Sox play. It was something I believed everyone should experience at least once in their lives. Knowing these kids were lucky to even be alive reinvigorated why I was here, despite the nagging doubt finding me at odd times.
After getting hugs from nearly all the children, Eli and I packed up the equipment and locked it in the storage shed. We hopped in our armored truck and left the refugee camp, beginning the three hour journey to the communications center for my weekly check-in with my brother.
“We missed Fourth of July,” Eli commented during our drive.
“It seems like we’ve missed a lot, doesn’t it?”
“Is Griffin still with your mom?”
“Yeah. She loves that dog. I’m sure she’s going to have a hard time parting with him when I get back home.”
“And when do you think that will be?” Eli asked, never missing an opportunity to convince me it was time we leave, with or without my brother’s permission.
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m not sure I’m ready to walk away now. These kids… I feel like I’d be abandoning them if I just go. Maybe it’s been a blessing in disguise that Alexander keeps insisting we stay over here.”
“And what about your life back home?” Eli countered. “What about your family? Your responsibilities?” He lowered his voice. “What about Mackenzie? Don’t you think you’re abandoning her?”
I sighed. “That ship may have sailed. It’s been almost four months. I’m not sure she’ll want to see me again. I had a window of opportunity and it’s probably closed.”
“So you’re just going to dismiss her and pretend none of it happened? If you ask me, seems like an easy way out.”
“I’m not looking for a way out, Eli,” I countered. I turned my head away from him and stared at the barren desert, the vehicle kicking up dust as we drove, but I couldn’t ignore the truth in his words. Was giving her space just an excuse to not have to face my problems? I wronged her and the guilt ate away at me. But staring into her eyes again would just remind me that I failed her…and myself.
“I’m doubtful she’ll want to see me after everything,” I added, my voice low.
“Or maybe she’s worried because she doesn’t know where you are.” I could feel his eyes studying me. “Maybe she needs some sort of closure and your being over here, trying to run from your responsibility, has left her more confused than ever. How would you feel if you were in her shoes? You find out everything you believed was a lie, but the one person who could answer all your questions mysteriously disappears?”
“She’s the one who told me to let her go,” I explained.
“And you didn’t,” Eli shot back. “Do you think she was able to let you go?”
“I don’t know,” I said dismissively, the uneasy feeling that had begun to form in the pit of my stomach growing stronger and stronger. Over the past month, something had seemed off to me, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. At least once a week, I briefly entertained the notion of disobeying my brother’s orders, but that was as far as it had ever gotten. In truth, I liked the bubble I had been living in, regardless of the fact I was all too aware that I was ignoring my duties and responsibilities back home. Over here, it was as if none of my problems would find me, as if I wouldn’t have to be faced with a reminder of what I had done.
“At some point, you have to stop running and face this. You both need closure so you can move on with your lives. You owe that much to each other.” He paused and lowered his voice. “You owe that much to her.”
I closed my eyes and leaned against the window. “She got the closure she needed when she found out who I was…a monster who used her. She deserves to be happy, but that can’t be with me. She’s probably already moved on and is dating someone else.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure, Ty.”
“What makes you say that?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s just a feeling.”
I simply nodded, not responding. As much as I wanted to believe Mackenzie hadn’t moved on, I knew it would never work out between us. How could she trust me again when, for the short period of time we were together, it was based on duty, an obligation? When it all fell apart, I blindly followed my brother’s instructions that I leave the country, at least until any potential threat had been neutralized. I should have picked up the phone or sent an email, despite my brother’s warning that I not communicate with her at all. Now, so much time had passed – too much really – I was sure I had ruined any chance that I was still on her mind.
Sighing, I pulled my dog tags out from under my t-shirt and stared at the diamond ring hanging on the chain. It was now a reminder that all actions have consequences, that I didn’t deserve to be happy, that I didn’t deserve anything except to live with the lonely again, as I had been doing since I watched Mackenzie disappear into the back seat of a taxi. It was the penance I deserved to pay.
We passed the remainder of the drive in a strained silence. Around mid-afternoon, we finally pulled up to the remote communications center. It was in the middle of nowhere, no other civilization visible. To the outside world, it appeared as a small military base, tall metal walls enclosing the compound, barbed wire surrounding the area, but it was really a CIA outpost we were granted permission to use to communicate with people back home.
Pulling up to a dark gray armo
red door, Eli punched a secure access code into a keypad and we were granted entry. Eli parked the truck in our usual spot in front of a small white brick building that looked like it had seen better days.
Nodding a greeting to the guard at the front door, I proceeded past him and unlocked what had become my office. Eli waited outside, making small talk with a few of the agents on duty.
I checked the clocks on the wall, seeing it was roughly nine in the morning on Sunday in Boston. Opening up my laptop, I connected to the secure satellite, giving me internet access. I was about to launch a video chat with Alexander when my email caught my eye. I had ignored all my emails, per my brother’s instructions, but when I saw the sender of the latest one, there was a lightness in my chest, an unexpected rush of adrenaline coursing through me.
I could hear my brother’s voice in my head, urging me to delete it, not to read it. But why? So much time had passed. I doubted anyone would take notice of any communication between us. Just seeing her name forced thousands of feelings I had fought to bury over the past few months to rush to the surface.
I missed her.
God, I missed her.
Her hair. Her smile. Her laugh. Her scent… Cinnamon. It followed me everywhere.
Closing my eyes, I imagined how different things would have been had she not found out, or if I had been truthful with her when I realized I was falling for her. Would she have walked away? Would I still have been shipped across the ocean while my brother attempted to neutralize any threat? Was that really what he was doing? I certainly had my doubts.
A renewed sense of determination washing over me, I opened my eyes. Instead of blindly following orders, as I had been doing since day one of basic training, I did what I believed to be the right thing. I clicked on the email, bracing myself for what it contained.
Her words piercing my soul, bleeding me dry, it felt like all the air had been sucked from the room as I struggled to breathe. I could picture Mackenzie in my head…sitting on her bed, wearing a tight black tank top and boy shorts, what she always slept in, tears soaking her face as she wrote these words to me. I thought I was doing what was right, giving her space so she wouldn’t be faced with a constant reminder of her biggest mistake. I was convinced my presence would cause her pain. I never imagined my absence caused her even more.
I continued to read her words, the stabbing ache in my heart growing more pronounced, more intense. I had been a coward, justifying my reticence to get in touch with her on the grounds that it wasn’t safe to do so, and even if it were, how a simple phone call couldn’t fix this.
Nearing the end of her email, a lump formed in my throat as I soaked in the last line, my eyes glossing over those final words. Despite it all, she still loved me. Screw following orders. It was time I followed my heart. This was a second chance for me, and I refused to ruin it.
Printing out the email, I folded it and placed it in the pocket of my shirt, over my heart. A light feeling about me, I was about to launch the video chat session with my brother, then decided against it. He knew me. He would pick up on the fact that something was amiss, that I wasn’t being truthful…that I was happy. Alexander was good at what he did and I knew he would say something that would make me second-guess my decision to abandon my post and return home.
Disconnecting my laptop, I rummaged through the office, grabbing everything I needed and throwing it into my pack. I opened the door and Eli noticed the crazed look on my face almost immediately.
“Everything okay?”
I shook my head and reached into my pocket, shoving the folded email at him. He started reading, his eyes darting from the email to me and back again. “We’re leaving,” I said sternly.
“Back to camp?”
“No. We’re leaving the country. We’re going home. It’s time I try to make this right.”
“What about your brother’s warnings?” he asked smugly, throwing my own excuses back at me.
“None of that matters anymore,” I insisted, my voice full of passion as we dashed out of the communications building and into the truck. “The only thing that does is giving Mackenzie what she needs… The truth heard straight from me. If she still turns me away after that, then fine. But she still loves me, Eli. I’m not going to let what we have slip through my fingers. Not again.”
I should have done this months ago.
Mackenzie
“ARE YOU SURE YOU don’t mind, Brayden?” Standing in his office at the law firm, I stared out the windows and onto the streets of Brownsville, my eyes glued to that same dark sedan that had been tailing me off and on for the past few days.
“Of course not.”
“I know I need to get a new car eventually,” I said, sauntering back toward his desk. “I can’t really fit a baby seat in my little convertible, can I?”
“Don’t worry about any of that, Mack. If you need to swap cars with me for a while, I’m fine with it. Believe me. I think James would love cruising around in your convertible.” He winked.
“Thanks, boo.” I stood on my toes and planted a kiss on his cheek. “You’re the best. I’ll make sure to fill it with gas.”
“Don’t even think about it. But if you need gas, here.” He reached into his pocket and handed me a stack of bills.
I held my hand up. “Brayden, I don’t want your money.”
“Well, I don’t, either. So if you’re not going to use it to fill up my car with gas, you can go buy my little nephew some toys or…whatever babies need.”
I laughed at how little he knew. Hell, I didn’t know much more. I had been looking online at all these baby stores and was completely overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of everything. I didn’t know the purpose behind half the stuff. I thought all I’d need would be a stroller, a car seat, and some diapers. I soon found out how wrong I was. For something so small, babies required a ton of stuff.
“I’m serious,” he insisted. “You need to start thinking about getting some things for that little guy.”
“It could be a girl.”
“Whatever,” he said, brushing me off. “Let me take you shopping this weekend.”
“Brayden, I–”
“If you don’t want me to buy you anything, I won’t. But you should at least have a registry so people can buy your baby things he’s going to need.”
I rolled my eyes, sitting in the chair across from him. “Like who? You and Jenna are the only people who give a shit about me.”
He glared at me. “That’s not true and you know it. Stop with the pity party, Mack. It’s getting old.” His normally light and buoyant voice turned harsh. My spine straightened and I did a double take.
“What do you–”
“You know damn well what I’m talking about,” he shot back. “I get it. You’re pissed. You’re angry. You’re hurt. But don’t let what happened between you and Tyler become who…you…are.”
I slouched into the lush chair, placing a hand on my stomach. “But it has, and I don’t know how to change it.”
“You don’t have to change who you are, Mack. You know the best revenge, don’t you?”
“What’s that?” I tilted my head and his eyes softened, reminding me of the special bond we had that I didn’t have with anyone else in my life…Jenna included.
“Living a happy life, Mack. People love you. Your employees. Your friends from college, who you’ve cut out of your life. You’d be surprised how many people will be at your side to support you if you’d just let them. I know you love the challenge of trying to prove you can overcome any obstacle, but it’s okay to let other people do things for you once in a while.”
I eyed him, the sincerity in his gaze warming my heart. “Fine. We can go shopping. I know how much you love it.” I winked, easing the tension between us.
“You know me so well, baby girl.”
Spying the time on the clock behind Brayden, I stood up from the chair and grabbed my purse. “I’ve got to get going. I’ll drop your car off before my doctor’
s appointment tomorrow, okay?”
“Okay. Call me when you get to wherever you’re going.”
“I will.” I placed one more kiss on his cheek and left his office. Taking the elevator down to the garage beneath the building, I found his mid-size SUV, hoping the change in vehicle would throw off my mysterious tail.
Getting behind the wheel, I checked my rearview mirror as I pulled out of the garage and onto the street, relieved when the dark sedan idling against the curb didn’t follow. However, almost immediately, a nondescript gray compact car pulled out from beyond the sedan and came to a stop behind me at a light. I squinted my eyes to see the man driving the car bore a striking resemblance to Wyatt, one of the security guards at my condo building. Was he following me, too? I hated that I was paranoid, but I couldn’t risk anyone finding out about my father.
A horn sounded, snapping me back to reality, and I looked up to see the light had turned green. Instead of taking a right, as my turn signal indicated, I pressed my foot to the accelerator and took a quick left, my heart racing in my chest as I waited to see if the car followed. Several anxious miles passed as I constantly looked into my rearview mirror, seeing no sign of it.
Beginning to relax, I pulled up to a stoplight, getting ready to make a left onto the interstate. As the light turned green, I spied the gray car a few yards behind me, Wyatt at the wheel. Irritated, I pulled a U-turn. He swung his car around, as well, tailing me down the street. Swerving into a nearby gas station, I parked Brayden’s car, and stormed up the street toward him.
Slowing to a stop on the side of the road, Wyatt quickly opened the driver’s side door and looked over his shoulder in a frantic manner. “Get in the car, Mackenzie,” he said, his voice grave. He ran around to the rear passenger side and opened the door.
“I don’t think so,” I scoffed. “Not until you tell me why you’re following me.”
“I’ll tell you after you get in the car!” he ordered in an agitated manner.
“I wasn’t born yesterday. There’s no way in hell I’m getting in the car of a man who’s following me!”