by MJ Carnal
“You do something to me, Rachel. I don’t know what it is but don’t stop. You make me feel alive.” He smiles at me as he pours shampoo into his hands and takes his time washing my hair.
“You make me feel the same way.” I relax as his fingers massage my scalp. No one has ever taken the time to pamper me and that’s exactly how I feel.
He takes his time making sure every inch of my body is clean. His kisses trail behind the soap as it’s washed away. I smile each time his eyes meet mine. I’ll add this moment to all the others that make Max the perfect man. He’s strong, he’s devoted and he loves with his whole body. I say a silent prayer that things never change.
“Take your time and enjoy the shower.” He kisses my cheek. “I’m going to pack. I’ll see you out there when you’re done.”
I just nod my head. For the first time in a long time, I’m truly happy.
Chapter 13
The pounding on my hotel door jolts me into reality. I’ve been daydreaming since the second I stepped out of the shower. I grab my boxers off the floor and pull them on before stomping to the door to find out who I’m going to kill. Chance pushes past me in the doorway, red faced.
“What is this?” He waves the newspaper around in front of me. “Please tell me this shit isn’t true.”
I grab the paper and start to read. I’m front page news but it isn’t because of our sold out show last night. A picture of my father smiles back at me with the headline, ‘Vice Presidential Hopeful Maxwell calls press conference about his son, drummer for rock band Liquid Regret.’
“That sack of shit last night was your dad?” Chance is yelling at me. “Please tell me this is another publicity stunt from the label.”
Another pound on the door. Unless the floor opens up and swallows me, there’s nowhere to run. Time’s up.
“Open the door, Callum.” Damien’s voice echoes from the hallway.
As I rip it open, my temper flares. “Everyone calm the hell down. We can talk this out. But first, I’m going to check on Rachel. This is still my room for another few hours so if you’re going to be in it, you’re not going to yell in front of her.”
I turn my back to the next pound on the door. The room is getting pretty small and as soon as the rest of them are in here, I’m going to feel like I’m suffocating. Part of me wishes I’d been honest with Rachel from the start. I never lied. I just never told her the truth. Regret is a painful feeling.
The steam billows around me when I step into the bathroom. I see the outline of her body through the glass door and even though my world is falling down around me¸ I feel my heart swell. I’ve fallen for this girl but I need to protect her from the toxic people of my past. I should never have let myself get close to anyone. I’ll pay for that.
“Hey.” She steps out of the shower, concern all over her face. “What’s the matter?”
Her hand reaches up to cup my cheek. Her gentle touch is balm for my open wounds. “The guys are here. Something happened and things are going to be a little different from now on.”
“What happened?” She wraps herself in her towel and reaches for my hand but I have to pull it away. I can’t risk another touch if I have to let her go. “Max?”
“Get dressed and come join us in the room. Take your time.” I turn my back and walk out. I feel like the biggest asshole. She deserves the world and I can’t give her that. Thinking I could makes me a prick. Forgetting who I really am, even for just a few minutes, is unforgiveable.
I take a deep breath and open the door to see the entire band glued to the television. My father’s voice hits my ears and bile rises in my throat. It’s the press conference that changes everything.
“Yes, it’s true. My son, Callum, is the drummer for the band Liquid Regret. His step mother and I always hoped he would follow family tradition and enter politics but we realized at an early age that his talent couldn’t be ignored. We encouraged both of our children to follow their passions. That is why his mother and I gave him the financial support to start the band and have followed his career closely for the last year.”
“Senator Maxwell, Katrina King, LA Daily. Can you tell us why he’s been using the name Max Callum and why we’re just hearing about this?”
“He made that decision to protect us. He was afraid living that lifestyle would bring shame or scandal to the family name. Needless to say, I did not agree with that. I felt it was time to embrace the man he is. Family is the most important thing to me.”
“Turn it off.” My voice is raw as I try to keep my emotions from spilling from my eyes like a pussy. I take an unsteady breath and stand tall. “That man on the television gave me life but he is not my father.”
Chance stands up and walks toward me. I give him credit. I tower over him but he’s not afraid to take me. Toe to toe we stand, staring. “You’ve lied to us about who you are and where you’re from. For half our lives, you’ve been Max. You’ve suffered with us when we were poor, you’ve moved with us from shitty apartment to shitty apartment. You’ve starved with us. You had all that and you lied. Why?”
“What’s going on?” Rachel’s voice makes us both jump. When I turn around, she shakes her head at us. “What am I walking in on?”
“Well, Max was just about to tell us who he really is.” Chance’s smug look makes me want to throw a punch. Instead, I take a step back and sit down at the desk and take a deep breath.
With my lungs full and my heart in my throat, I start the beginning of a very deep confession. They won’t know the whole story. Not today. But they need to know enough to someday let me explain the rest. “My name is Callum Maxwell. I grew up in Newport with my sister, Karen, and that piece of shit on the TV. He and my step mother were terrible people who weren’t worth a second thought. I left at sixteen because I had to. I didn’t have another choice and I don’t regret it. The only thing I’ve ever lied to you about was my name.”
“What about the money he gave you to start the band?” Damien’s voice is steady and I know he’s just trying to understand.
“They never agreed with my music. I’d be quizzed relentlessly about Supreme Court cases and the judicial system. If I got something wrong, it was a nightmare. I spent every second locked in my own personal hell and when I saw a way out, I took it. I won’t apologize for that.” My hands are shaking.
“Listen.” Harley’s voice is my rescue. “He’s the same person we’ve always known. So what if his name’s different? We’ve all got a past. Why does he have to account for his if we don’t? Has he ever made you answer for the drugs, Damien? And Chance, has he ever asked you to justify a thing about your life? You never talk about your past and no one’s ever asked you to. He saved my life. More than once. And the fact that we’re even questioning him after five minutes of hearing some asshole on TV talk, is fucked up. Max is family.”
Chance just stares at me. I wouldn’t know what to think either. But I’m not going to get into what actually happened to me in my own home. I was weak and I won’t admit to my weakness.
“Did they hit you?” Rachel’s hand is on my shoulder and my eyes instantly fill with tears. “Did they hurt you?”
I shake my head no. “They didn’t hit me.”
“Emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse.”
“Stop!” She jumps at my voice but I don’t want to be psychoanalyzed. I want her to just stand by my side. I want her to hate them and maybe it’s not realistic asking her to do that, but it’s what I want. I want this whole thing to go away.
“We can use this to our advantage. We’re on the road. This will sell out the rest of the stadiums. The press will be everywhere trying to catch of glimpse of Max. You were big before but this could make you huge.” Joshua is already dialing his phone before I can respond. “Schedule a press conference for next week back in LA. Yes, the whole band will be there.”
“When did we stop getting a say in our business, Seymour?” Chance glares at him.
“When yo
u guys started keeping so many secrets. Get dressed. We leave in an hour.”
“You and Rachel ok? I notice she’s sitting by herself.” Harley sits next to me on the bus and instantly reminds me what an asshole I am.
“Yeah. Perfect.” The pit in my stomach grows as I realize she won’t be with me tonight.
“You were pretty harsh with her in the hotel room. She was trying to help.”
“She was trying to analyze me.” I sigh and look out the window. “I don’t want a therapist, I want a girlfriend.”
“Did you tell her that?”
“Why should I have to tell her that? What if that’s just how things will be? What if she doesn’t turn that shit off? I can’t be with someone who is always trying to figure me out. I can’t be constantly reminded I’m fucked up.”
“Max. Chill.” Harley chuckles when I ball my fist. “She’s just trying to help you because she likes you. Don’t be a douchebag. Tell her you don’t want to be analyzed or whatever the hell you called it. Don’t run her off. She’s good for you.”
“But I’m not good for her. The real story is eventually coming out, one way or another. When she knows the truth about my past, she’ll run. And she should. I’m damaged goods.”
“Look, I don’t know everything that happened but it doesn’t change anything. You’re you. Period.”
My cell phone rings and I answer it without looking.
“Callum, it’s your father. We need to talk.”
I throw my phone across the bus and it shatters. All eyes are on me and I don’t care. Sitting right next to Harley, I break and sob, just like the coward I am.
Chapter 14
The burn in my veins is familiar now. I almost welcome it. I know what’s coming next and there’s no fight left in me. I’ve tried to fight them off but they’re stronger. The more I fight, the more it hurts.
The smell of cigarette smoke and liquor fills my nose. It won’t be long before I can’t remember anything. I hear the sound of his zipper and the evil laugh from my step mother. Someday I’m going to kill that bitch. I pray this is the time my father will find us.
The searing pain makes me scream out. He’s never gentle and I can feel the tears on my cheeks. I feel the blade press against my throat.
“Scream again and I’ll kill you, you worthless son of a bitch.” He grabs my shoulders and I try so hard to fight. I can’t get my arms to move. “You love this as much as I do. Stop fighting it.”
With a huge gasp of air, I bolt upright in bed. I’m soaked in sweat. The darkness in the room is too much and I panic. I hear Rachel calling me but I have to get away. I run for the door and rip it open.
My bodyguard jumps to his feet, trying to stop me. He holds my arms behind me and I yell for him to let go. It’s too real. I struggle against his hold and we fall to the ground. He’s huge but fear is on my side and I’m terrified.
I’m pinned to the ground, face down. I can hear voices telling me to calm down but it’s too late. I can’t. This is exactly the position I’m in when I’m living my nightmares. I can’t catch my breath. My face is in the floor, there’s too much weight holding me down. I gasp again and fight with every ounce of strength I never had as a child.
“Calm the fuck down.” His voice rings in my ears. I know it isn’t real but my body won’t stop.
“Do something!” I hear Chance yell. He kneels beside me and tries to talk in my ear.
I’m trying to process what’s happening but I can’t. In my mind, I’m in my nightmare. His hands are on me. His body is touching mine. The smells and the sounds are so real.
“No Rachel, don’t!” Harley yells but it’s too late. I feel the pinch of the needle and my veins fill with heat.
As I drift off to sleep, I hear Harley’s agonized voice. “Jesus Rachel, what did you do? They used to drug him.”
Her crying fills my ears as the world goes dark.
I feel like my eyes are glued shut. I hear Harley talking to me and I grunt. I can’t wake up. Whatever Rachel gave me was enough to put down a horse. I’m a lightweight. I try to lift my head and grunt again. Harley laughs. My arm weighs a thousand pounds but I struggle to lift it and give him the finger.
“There he is. Wake up. We’ve got a show. There’s coffee here.”
“What did she give me?” Holy shit. Was that English? My words slur together.
“Wow.” Harley laughs even harder. “Take it slow buddy but you need to get up. Seymour will be here in about an hour and you can’t be sleeping.”
It takes all my strength but I open my right eye. The room is dark, just a hint of daylight streaming in the window. “What time?”
“It’s four in the afternoon. Get up.” Harley throws a towel at me.
“Shit.” I sit up and wait for my legs to cooperate. When they do, I swing them over the side of the bed. “Where’s Rachel?”
Harley hesitates. “She left.”
I teeter between anger and relief. She didn’t know about that part of my past and although I struggle with why she’d feel ok injecting me with anything, I know I was out of control. Am I mad she left? I give myself a minute to think about it and realize I’m glad she did. This is not a conversation I’m ready to have. Better to cut my loses now than when I’m completely invested in the relationship. Shoving a needle in my arm to calm me down only reminds me she’s a doctor and that I’m fucked up.
“She was really upset. I didn’t tell her much, just that she made a huge mistake. She cried for a couple hours and then asked Chance to give her a ride to the airport.”
“Ok.” I stand up and test my legs.
“That’s it? Ok?” Harley tilts his head and looks at me like I’m crazy.
“She shoved a needle in my arm and drugged me. Then she ran. So, yes, it’s ok she left.” I slam the bathroom door and start the shower before I realize it’s the farthest thing from ok to me.
Chapter 15
It’s been almost a week since I’ve left the comfort of my home. Coming back from seeing the guys was horrible. I made a colossal mistake without realizing it and there wasn’t any way to take it back. Yes, I was a complete coward. I ran like a scared little girl and locked myself in seclusion. The tears were my friend and the knot in my stomach was a welcome reminder that I lost something great. I deserve the pain.
After moving Max to his bed, Harley broke down and I was instantly in therapist mode. That just made it worse. He yelled at me for always trying to fix them. He was scared and lashing out and I was his target. His words gutted me. Max had been drugged by his own family and what I did to calm him down was unforgiveable. I would never have crossed that line if I’d had any idea.
It had been chaos. Max had been pinned to the ground yelling and fighting against the beast of a bodyguard that was just trying to protect him from himself. Chance was panicked, begging me to do something. I jumped right into doctor mode and gave him a sedative. As soon as the syringe was empty, I regretted it. Max wasn’t one of my patients. I didn’t have permission to give him anything. But I was terrified and seeing Max helpless stirred something in me I hadn’t felt before. Hundreds of patients and I’d never felt the primal need to protect someone the way I did during the early hours on that horrible day.
I can feel the tears start to sting my eyes again and I blink them away as fast as I can. I want to be back in my bed, curled under the covers, binge watching something on Netflix. The only reason I even got dressed is because the fridge is empty and for the first time in a week, I’m hungry.
I pull a gallon of milk from the cooler and head to check out. The wheels of the cart rebel and squeak as I make my way to the front of the grocery store. I take a deep breath and get in line. I will drive home, get back in my pajamas and eat the gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream that taunts me from the cart.
The picture catches my eye right away. Max’s usual bright eyes are clouded and his expression is empty. He looks worn and tired and I’m sad for him. The brunette smiling next
to him breaks my heart. She’s movie star beautiful with the gaunt body I will never have. She’s exactly what all the groupies look like standing back stage begging for scraps. She’s what I see Chance bring back to the hotel after every show.
Their body language tells me the whole story. His hand on the small of her back, her head tilted toward him, rushing through the paparazzi into a hotel. I don’t need to read the article. My heart shatters in my chest. I instantly regret not calling and telling him I’m sorry. I regret not letting him know just how much he means to me. But most of all, I regret that our night together didn’t mean as much to him as it did to me. If he’d felt half of what I did, there’s no way he could have moved on so fast.
“Sad, isn’t it?” A voice behind me startles me. She points at the tabloid and crinkles her nose. “He seemed so down to earth. His name has been everywhere this week and I haven’t seen the same woman twice. He’s killing his image. I guess you never can really tell.”
“I guess so.” My voice is quiet as I put the magazine back on the rack.
“His poor dad. Bet he’s sorry he publicized Max is his son. No way he’ll get the vice presidential nod now.” She runs her finger over Max’s face and shakes her head. “But he’s pretty. Can’t take that away from him.”
I’d like to punch her in the face and scream that she doesn’t know who he really is. Instead, I paste on a smile and turn back to the cashier. Flappy gums behind me continues to carry on about the band and how much she loves them. I try to tune her out but she’s relentless.
“Chance is my favorite. He’s a man whore but his eyes just suck me in. The things I’d do to that boy if I had the chance. See what I did there? Chance. I love him. They’re all hot. Poor Harley, all mopey and damaged. I wouldn’t mind trying to fix him either. Oh let’s be honest, I’d sleep with any of them. Who wouldn’t? Do you have a favorite?”
Could I plead insanity if I accidently killed her? Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard and I want her to shut up. Permanently. When I turned my back on her, it should have been a hint that I was done talking to her. Most people would have gotten it. But, no. Not windbag Wanda behind me.