by Sam Lollar
How did I feel about being homosexual? That was once again becoming a heavy burden. I wasn’t happy about it at all. I didn’t feel too guilty or ostracized from society in L.A. Back in El Paso, the only thing I got out of it was sex, which of course was not a bad thing. But I wasn’t really getting any emotional support. I couldn’t tell my family at Christmas that I was gay, so only the people at the motel knew. Even my roommate didn’t know.
Should I quit seeing men until I sorted out my feelings? Would I be just a fuckbag like my friend? Would I attempt suicide? And what happened to my future? I had dreamed about getting a degree and finding the perfect job, marrying Pat and settling down with her in some nice part of town. That dream was out the window since Pat was seeing a guy named Larry. If my grades didn’t improve, I probably wouldn’t finish this degree anyway. Being gay changed everything in my life. I was mortified by my behavior in the past months. I couldn’t believe I was jumping into bed with anyone who came on to me.
I had only known Rick a few days when we had sex. Almost the same with Mark and Isaac. Was I becoming such a whore that sex was nothing but a way of saying hello to someone? God, I felt cheap. I decided it would be better if I didn’t have sex with anyone until I sorted all this out. But how to keep that resolution, when I was so terminally horny? I needed someone to talk this over with. But who? Not my family, certainly. Not my friends since I didn’t want them to know about it.
So who could I talk to? My one gay friend wanted me to become a nun and not have sex ever again. After his suicide attempt, he was against sex under any circumstances. Could I talk with Scott? No. He once again seemed to be after me, so his advice would be biased. LuLu? As lovely as she was, and as much as she knew about the various men in my life, I couldn’t even imagine pouring my heart out to her about so intimate a part of my life. Mrs. Schuster? I liked her too much and didn’t want her to think less of me. Plus I would be hopelessly embarrassed talking to a woman about this, anyway.
I could talk to Bob.
He was not after me, and he knew a tiny bit about having sex with men. He could be a dispassionate advisor. I vowed to talk to him as soon as possible. Of course, he hadn’t returned from his family holiday. They weren’t expected back till several days after New Year’s. Meanwhile I was stuck with myself and my dilemma. Should I keep the dinner date with Scott? I really enjoyed Scott’s company when he wasn’t on the prowl, but he seemed to be doing just that now. Before I realized it, the sun was very low in the sky and it was past five. I jumped into the car and drove back to the motel. Scott was behind the desk in the lobby, so I walked in to see if he still wanted to go to dinner. I was hoping he’d say no so I wouldn’t have to face the choice of going with him or not. No such luck.
“Hi, Aaron,” he said. “Ready to go to dinner?”
“Oh, sure, I suppose.”
“Don’t sound so enthused. What’s the matter with you?”
“I’ve just got a lot on my mind, that’s all.”
“Is it about your grades? Were they terrible? I was afraid of that with all that has been going on.”
“That’s partly it, for sure. I didn’t get anything lower than a C, but I had several Cs and only one B. I’m not starting my college career out with a bang, I’ll tell you.”
“But you passed, didn’t you? You’re not kicked out of school.”
“Yeah, no I wasn’t kicked out. I needed a 2.0 grade point average and I got a 2.3, so I’m all right. I just feel I could do better than that.”
“You will, Aaron. Next semester you’ll be over Rick and have Mark and Isaac off your mind, so you can focus on more important things.”
Yeah, but what is important? I asked myself. “I know you’re right,” I said to Scott, “but I still feel unsettled. There’s a lot going on inside I don’t know how to handle.”
“I’m always here to listen, Aaron, you know that. I care a great deal about you.”
“Thanks, that’s good to know. But to tell you the truth, you’re part of the problem.”
“Me? What have I done?”
“No, no, nothing really. Like I said before, I’m just confused as to what I want to do with myself right now.”
“Well, put those worries out of your head for tonight. We’ll go have a nice dinner, maybe go get a drink if you’re in the mood. We’ll just have a good time.”
“Sure.”
I’m afraid I wasn’t very good company for Scott that night. I kept brooding about my problems and ended up going around in circles thinking first of one thing, then jumping to another and another, then back to the first. Scott kept trying to engage me in conversation, but I was so distracted I couldn’t follow the flow of his ideas. Finally in desperation, he asked, “Aaron, are you listening to me at all?”
“What? I’m sorry, Scott. I have so much on my mind right now that I can’t think clearly. I’m really sorry.”
“Let’s go on back home, then. I know when I’m beaten. I can’t get through to you tonight.”
We returned to the motel.
Chapter Thirty-two
Cars. Glorious Cars.
The next day Scott was behind the desk when I walked in. He asked me what I was going to do to celebrate New Year’s. I told him I had no plans, just assumed I’d be working. I originally thought I’d be spending it with Rick, but that was out.
“I have a wonderful idea for New Year’s. Let’s go for a drive, and I’ll tell you all about it.”
He grabbed my arm and led me out under the porte cochere, where his Jaguar was parked.
“Scott, I’m supposed to be working. What are you doing?”
“I feel like going for a drive and want you to come along.”
“But there’s no one at the desk. Who’s going to run things? Much to my surprise, I’m actually needed at the motel today.”
“I suppose you’re right. Okay, but I’ll get you about eight so we can have a late dinner.”
He jumped in the car and drove back up to his room. I walked back into the lobby, and Mrs. Schuster had just sat down.
“Hi, Aaron, I thought you might need some help. With that medical convention coming in this evening, I want to make sure things go well. Where’s Scott? Didn’t I see him coming into the lobby?”
“Yes, ma’am, you did. But he wanted to go for a ride, and I think he took off in the Jaguar.”
“I’ll never understand that boy. He knows he’s needed today of all days. If Bob was here I wouldn’t care, but with just you and me, we’ll be run ragged.”
Just at that time Scott walked back into the room. “I had forgotten about the convention coming in. I guess none of us will be going anywhere this evening.”
“That reminds me, Mrs. S. Whatever happened with the Best Western people? Did they ever come to inspect the place?”
“Thanks for asking, Aaron. I noticed you never asked about it, Scott. Aren’t you even a little bit interested?”
“I sure am, Dollie. I’m sorry, but I really did forget about it. How did it go?”
“It went great. You know, they never tell you when they are coming. They just give you a general time frame. Well, two days ago I got a letter from BW headquarters that we passed. They had a man stay at the Rancho the week before Christmas for three days. He was duly impressed. So we will be getting the Best Western sign put up in a few weeks. I’m delighted.”
“Congrats, Mom. We should celebrate.”
“We can celebrate after this convention leaves,” she said just as the conventioneers started arriving. I was dazzled with all the wonderful cars. There was the occasional Bentley or Rolls-Royce, but I guess I was jaded after riding and driving Miss Ruby’s car. The ones that really caught my eye were the Detroit models. And that’s when I saw my dream car—another ’67 red and white Lincoln, just like the motel’s airport car, but this time it was a convertible. For some reason, of all the cars that I saw that summer, that convertible Lincoln floored me. I really wanted one. I simply fell in love with it.
I saw a gorgeous blue and white Imperial Crown Coupe and numerous lovely Cadillacs, but I walked around the red Lincoln several times during the next couple of days and knew I had to have one. With my newfound wealth, I could actually buy one.
When the conventioneers came in, I was run ragged. Both Scott and Mrs. Schuster registered them, and I handled everything else. I showed people to their rooms and ran errands continually. No one wanted to go to the ice machine themselves, so I was constantly bringing ice to the rooms. As soon as they got to their rooms, they opened up the liquor bottles to make a real festive environment. I had a great time and made lots of money on tips. Around eight, two busses arrived. That meant over a hundred people wanting things done at the same time. “Grab my bags, boy.” “Help me down, boy, and be quick about it.” “Where’s the can? I’m about to explode.” Just as I was about to become overloaded, Scott brought registration forms out to the people on the busses so they could fill them out there rather than waiting in line at the front desk. I could see Mrs. Schuster, working frantically, trying to answer calls and register people simultaneously. I knew she needed someone to run errands, and I figured I needed to help her more than I did Scott. So I ran into the lobby.
“Aaron. Thank God you’re here. Please come here and answer these phones. They’re driving me crazy.”
For the next hour or so, I was the switchboard operator. Whenever people wanted me to get them something, I had to explain I couldn’t get to them right away.
“What a time for Bob to be out of town,” Mrs. Schuster observed to no one in particular. It was an exhausting evening.
Happily, Bob and his family returned the next day from their holiday. It was still hopping with the full house, so Bob was thrust right back into the work mode. The day before New Year’s Eve, Scott caught up with me and wanted to talk about the next evening’s festivities. “We’re going to have the time of our lives. You’ll be so excited when I tell you what we’re going to do.”
“So tell me, Scott, what’s the excitement you have planned?”
“The Queen Mother Herself has invited us to her special New Year’s Eve Ball.”
“You’ll have to translate for me, Scott. Who or what is the Queen Mother, and what on earth is she doing hosting a ball?”
“Oh, it’s Otto, you dolt. He’s hosting a dozen or so friends and has graciously included you on the invitation list.”
“Bob asked me to work tomorrow night, Scott. Maybe I shouldn’t go.”
“Nonsense. We’ve already arranged for Lupe’s boys to fill in for us.”
“Yeah, but Bob told me I’d make a lot of money on tips.”
“Oh, that. Don’t worry. I’ll give you some cash to make up for the tips.”
“Jeez, that makes me sound like a whore, Scott.”
“What on earth do you mean?”
“You know, you’re paying for my company for the evening.”
“Nonsense. Hmm. Yeah, maybe it does. Let’s just say I’m giving you a New Year’s bonus. Your attendance at the ball is something else altogether. You’re not a whore, so stop worrying about it.”
I realized I was trapped. I had to go to the ball at Otto’s place. I expected the worst, a bunch of drunk gay men pawing me throughout the evening. My fears were right on target. Aside from the continual sexual innuendo and constant battle to keep everyone’s hands off me, it was a pretty dull evening. Most everyone was dressed like women, so I was really bored. Men in drag were never my thing, and even though some of the men had beards and mustaches in addition to their dresses and wigs, I still wasn’t impressed. And since I didn’t want to drink, I was about the only one who could put a coherent sentence together. I was slobbered on, kissed on, and pawed over.
Unbelievably, Rick walked in alone around eleven. He was dressed in nice regular clothes, so I was relieved not to see him as a woman. He made a beeline for me and took my hand.
“Aaron. I didn’t expect to see you here. Man, it’s great to see you again. I’ve missed you a lot the last few weeks. Why haven’t you called?”
“What? Why didn’t I call? When I did call, you sounded disinterested.”
“That’s utter nonsense. True, I have been playing with another man, but that doesn’t mean I can’t see you, too. Come spend the night with me.”
I was really stunned by this bald-faced admission that he was sleeping with someone else. “What about this other playmate?”
“He’s back at the bar. Somebody had to run things. Come on, Aaron, he’s only a friend, a fuck-buddy. What do you say? Come spend the night with me.”
“No.”
“That’s it? Just no? Why don’t you want to see me?”
“Because I’m not interested in you as a lover, Rick.”
“What? You don’t want me? That’s rich. You know as well as I do that you want to jump in the sack right now.”
“I’m not particularly sleepy, if that’s what you mean.”
“You know exactly what I mean, Aaron. Make love with me. Now, stop this nonsense and come home with me.”
“No.”
“Shit. What kind of game are you playing, Aaron? I’ve been pining away wanting you so bad I can taste it.”
“Rick, I have accepted the fact that you and I can’t be lovers. I think I would value your friendship, but lovers? No.”
“You’re only eighteen fucking years old. Where do you get off sounding so worldly? What right have you got turning me down? I should be rejecting you.”
“I thought you already had. I don’t want to have sex with anyone right now. I’ve been very confused these past four or five months. I don’t want to jump into that fire again.”
“I’m going to call you anyway, Aaron. My feelings for you haven’t changed. And I’m betting that yours haven’t either,” he said, walking away from me. Actually one of the drag queens he knew led him away. They staggered off together, and I realized that Rick was a bit drunk. I was betting he wouldn’t even remember our conversation when he sobered up.
At midnight, fireworks began going off in the backyard, and I saw Otto / Regina in her finest gown and wig, dripping in jewels, bent over lighting firecrackers, his / her ample bottom staring everyone in the face. It was about the only funny thing I saw that evening. Rick and a couple of other guys were also out there with Regina. The fireworks display was fun. Seeing Rick bent over in his tight jeans was also a wonderful display.
As midnight struck, Scott grabbed me from behind, swung me around, and planted a big kiss right on my lips. “Happy New Year, sweetheart.” He was so drunk by then, I didn’t even bother to put up a fight.
Everyone just assumed I would spend the night with Scott at Regina’s place. Scott and he had even gotten the guest room spiffied up specifically for us. Shortly after midnight, I found Scott’s keys in his jacket pocket and quietly left the party, driving the Jaguar back to the motel. I felt like I had escaped some awful trap.
As I drove, I couldn’t help but think about Rick. Did I have feelings for him? Certainly I was attracted to him physically. But did I care about him in some deeper sense? I honestly felt I did not. But it was tempting to jump back in the sack with him. And become a fuckbag all over again. Nuts. The temptation was there, and so were the reasons not to yield to it. He said he would call, so I decided to put off worrying about him till then. I doubted he would anyway. I got back to the motel and went straight to my room and to bed.
Chapter Thirty-three
The Blood Red Ford Galaxie LTD
I decided that time away from men was my best medicine. I was enjoying my self-imposed celibacy. I had begun the spring semester and enjoyed the routine of going to school, working, studying, and sleeping. Scott even recognized I wanted to be alone for a while, so he was much less insistent that I traipse around with him all the time. But during work hours, I was still his companion of sorts. We still did things together. I thought his amorous attentions were ending, but he occasionally attempted to start something. I think
he was just being playful, but I could never be sure. I thought he’d be angry I had abandoned him after Regina’s party, but he barely mentioned it, just saying he was glad the Jaguar had gotten back safely. If he had driven it that night, he said, it surely would have been wrecked.
One afternoon I was on my appointed rounds at the back of the motel when I noticed a very red Ford LTD parked not far from LuLu’s suite. As I glanced around, none of the rooms looked rented, so I thought I’d ask Bob who he thought might have parked there. He was just as curious as I was, so we looked through the registration forms. No one staying at the motel had registered with a red Ford. Bob said not to worry about it, since it was a new car. Its owner would no doubt return for it soon. He said it might be one of the guests’ new cars that had not been registered, so not to worry about it. I didn’t. However, a couple of days later, I noticed the car had not moved. I had even marked the tires to see if someone was driving it after dark, but it hadn’t been touched since I made the marks.
LuLu kept complaining of a foul odor behind the motel near her room. We had her carpet and drapes cleaned, thinking that was the cause of the problem, but it persisted. We became more and more curious, and finally Bob, LuLu, Scott and I decided to scout around the back of the motel to find the offensive odor. With very little trouble, we determined the smell was coming from the Ford. And it was a vile smell indeed. Scott got wide eyed and grabbed Bob’s arm.
“Bob. There’s a body in there.”
“Now, Scott. Let’s not jump to conclusions. It’s probably just a load of garbage or something.”
“We have to call the police,” Scott said.
“Yes, I quite agree,” LuLu concurred.
The police came out in about a half hour, and we followed them to the Ford. After only a cursory sniff around the car’s trunk, one of the officers said he thought there might be a dead animal of some kind in there. LuLu was distraught, since the car was so near her suite. She said she wouldn’t go back to her room. We moved her upstairs, near Mrs. S’s apartment.