by Samie Sands
The moment which shifted absolutely everything for evermore came the second evening, after dinner. One of the teachers had an amazing idea to run an orientation game in the dark for a little extra ‘fun.’ We were given a list of things to find in pairs, and the team that did it the quickest would win some form of prize.
Sensing that someone else was about to grab Joe to be on their team, I slipped my hand into his and squeezed it tightly as the teacher explained the game away. I’d been dreaming about him, thinking about him every single moment he wasn’t by my side, and it was making me crazy. I actually felt calmer with him, because then I couldn’t get myself all tied up in knots, worrying about what he was up to.
He shot me a smile as I did, accepting my request silently, which built up a false confidence within me—one that, looking back, should never have been there. I suppose in a way I thought it was him wanting me in the same way I did him, which was naïve and kind of crazy. I was just so wrapped up in him I couldn’t really see anything else.
As we raced through the crappy orientation course, quickly ignoring the game as we realised we were never going to win, we found ourselves laughing and joking in the way we normally did. Thankfully that ease of years of friendship was still there, allowing me to be around him in a semi-normal fashion. Eventually, through laziness, we gave up the pretence completely, and we found somewhere secluded to sit and have a—what felt like to me—much-needed chat.
“You do make me laugh,” Joe mused, tossing his arm casually around my shoulder. He was completely oblivious to my racing heart and the way my palms began to sweat at his mere touch. I gulped down a ball of fear and forced a smile on my face, wanting to act as normal as possible. “You’re such an awesome person, Lotts.”
Every time he called me Lotts—the nickname that only he could use for me—it built an intense bond between us. At least on my part.
“I like you a lot too,” I rasped, trying to control the tremble that raced through my spine. “I…I always have.” I meant something different there, but I wasn’t being forthright with that. It was very likely he assumed I was only talking about friendship.
However, there was an intense look in his eyes, one I felt could be desire. My pulse rate kicked up another notch entirely, and the butterflies grew even larger, turning more into bats as they swam through my stomach while we gazed at one another. I felt a disconnect with my body as I was certain I saw him lean towards me. For a split second, I tried to make the smart decision, the one that wouldn’t have horrible repercussions for our friendship, but I was so desperate for him, so needy, so keen, that I felt myself imitate him, needing to finally get more.
We were growing closer, I could feel his breath on my face, my lips were pursing…
“Oh look,” he cried out suddenly, jumping upright. “There’s Jack.”
I watched in a cold, icy horror as he ran off to join his friends, leaving me a quivering, emotional mess. As I remained sitting there, completely alone, eaten alive by my thoughts, I felt muddy and raw, exposed for the entire world to see.
The only problem was the person that I needed to see me was the only one who couldn’t.
“Come on, Lotts,” he called casually to me while laughing at something Jack had just said. “Let’s walk back with these guys now.”
I did as he requested, trailing numbly behind them all, but deep within me I knew nothing could ever be the same again.
I spent the final day and night of the trip in my sleeping bag, refusing to even move, never mind get out and join the rest of the class for whatever dumb activities they were doing. I wasn’t sure if the teachers fully believed in my illness, but they allowed me to remain behind. To be honest, I grew so worked up by what I perceived as Joe’s rejection, that I probably did look pale and sickly to them anyway.
The worst part of that time came from the fact that Joe didn’t even come to check in on me once to see how I was doing. Emily was kinder to me than I deserved, but even then I rejected her simply because she wasn’t the person I needed her to be. Looking back, I was cruel, and I felt terrible about that for a long time after.
When we returned home, I realised for certain that I needed something to change. I couldn’t keep going on in the way that things were—it was killing me. So as soon as the rumours hit my ears that there was another girl in Joe’s life, Kara from the year above, I did the only thing I could to protect my bruised and aching heart. I pulled back, moving away from him. I stopped seeking him out during school hours, preferring to spend time with Emily instead. Despite everything, she actually managed to become a really good friend to me.
I kept our friendship superficial, never discussing anything real, and definitely never Joe, but she was there for me when I needed someone, and for that I would always adore her.
I didn’t want to spend any time at home with Joe either, which proved a little more challenging. As soon as the eyes of our school friends were off us he would look for me once more, as if he needed to torment me. I threw myself into my studies, always telling my mum to send him away because I had homework, but he was relentless, which eventually caused our parents to intervene in a very unhelpful fashion.
I grabbed my diary, needing to seek out this time in my life, to try to see how I dealt with it. Looking back now, it was like a massive black void that I’d completely blocked out, but there had to be something that could help me…surely…
14th January 2007
Dear Joe,
I don’t know how to even begin to express my feelings to you out loud, never mind in a letter, but I feel like I need to just get some of it out before it full drives me mad. You’ve always been my best friend, my closest person, the only one I can speak to…but now, for some unexplained reason, things are different.
It isn’t necessarily you. To be honest, you haven’t really changed at all. It’s me. I don’t know how to be around you anymore when I like you so much. I don’t even know how to fit you in to that part of my life, never mind deal with it. I can’t talk to you about it without wrecking anything…so I just don’t speak to you at all.
I love you. At least, I think I do. Yep, I definitely love you, but you’re with her, so it’s obvious that you don’t feel the same way.
I’m sorry. I don’t even know…
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I recalled writing this scrambled letter. I thought I was going to give it to him, to help us to find a way to make some kind of bond again, but I didn’t. I hid my feelings, kept them buried inside until they became rotten and twisted, eating me up alive.
If there was one thing I could take from this, it was to not allow situations to just wash over me again. I couldn’t continue down the same path as fifteen-year-old me. Somehow, I was going to have to man up, and to take action this time. I needed to do something…I just didn’t know what!
Chapter Eight
“I honestly don’t know why you’re getting so upset.” Gabby shrugged her shoulders in a blasé manner, taking a massive swig of her glass of wine as she spoke. She kept checking her watch continually, making it clear she was looking forward to her escape from the pit of sadness I’d created for myself—and from the way she was dressed, she intended to get to that nightclub whatever was going on with me. She was more concerned about getting drunk and having fun than helping me through my very difficult time. Not that I expected anything different—we weren’t exactly friends, after all.
To be honest, I would have preferred for them both to just go. When I called Cici to cancel drinks with her because there was no way I could face the outside world, all I wanted was to be alone. I didn’t tell her my true reasoning for locking myself away, but she must have already known because she insisted on coming around to comfort me despite my endless protests. I knew she wanted to help me, and I was grateful for that, but honestly, having company was a little draining, and making me feel worse.
It didn’t help that I got the distinct impression that Gabby’s intentions for coming to se
e me were much less honourable. I felt like all she wanted was some first-hand gossip, or maybe to feel a little better about her own relationship issues.
I gave her a look, hoping she’d get the hint, but she simply grinned at me and continued to noisily pop her gum. Baz cheated on her all the time—that was practically common knowledge—but Gabby simply didn’t care. I got the idea it didn’t bother her because she only latched on to their relationship to get herself into the limelight, launching her own fifteen minutes of fame. She was constantly making jokes about which reality TV show she wanted to appear on, and she ensured that she attended every single event Baz allowed her too—girlfriend-wise she was the complete opposite to me, which meant we would never fully be able to see eye-to-eye.
“I honestly believe Danny. He didn’t do it,” Cici quickly interjected before things got too nasty, rubbing my back in a comforting gesture. I aimed my wine glass numbly in her direction, needing a refill. There was nothing anyone could say to make me feel any better right now, because no one understood what I was going through, and what awful things my mind was telling me about myself, but the booze was numbing it just a little bit. “I mean, why would he be proposing to you if he was going to cheat?”
There it was again—that icy spine, the thick cold blood, the uncomfortable pounding of my heart. The proposal. The more I considered it, the more it felt like the gesture of a guilty conscience, and that damn near broke my heart. Okay sure, I might have been freaking out about the prospect of a lifelong commitment, but at least I was taking it seriously! At least I really did care. I couldn’t stand to think it was only an empty gesture that would make me question absolutely everything about our time together—I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to trust my own judgment again.
“I don’t know,” I muttered almost incoherently as a reply. “I don’t know want to think about that at the moment.” The alcohol had started to swim around me now, and it was making me want to do something crazy. I felt like I wanted to get up and do something, but I wasn’t quite sure what. “I just…I don’t know.”
I could hear Cici trying her best to give me more comfort, but my ears were no longer tuned into her words, my focus was flickering all around the room, trying to work out how to get some of this frustration out. I wanted to stand up, to yell, to scream, and to violently smash something, but I knew those were actions I couldn’t take with other people in the house, not unless I wanted to look like a crazy person. Maybe Cici would understand why I’d gone so mad, but Gabby was a problem. Knowing her, she would likely record my moment of madness, and post it online for the rest of the world to see.
The buzzing in my ears grew louder, the itch in my fingers more intense, my heart began to thump so painfully against my chest that I feared it might burst out at any second…
“I think I need to get some sleep,” I suddenly gasped out, causing the two girls to stare at me in a stunned silence. Obviously my plan to appear sane wasn’t going too well! “I’m just…I’m exhausted and I need some rest. Plus I don’t want to ruin your night out. It’s only about eleven-ish, you guys can still have some fun.”
“No,” Cici insisted, shaking her head vehemently. “No, I’m not leaving you alone.” It didn’t escape my notice that Gabby shook her head and rolled her eyes when she thought neither of us were looking, but I’d completely lost the ability to care about her at that moment. “I’ll stay over tonight.”
I knew that was supposed to reassure me, but it sent a bolt of terror racing right through my body instead. How the hell was I supposed to act like a crazy person with my best friend here?
Her intentions might have been good, but I really did need to be by myself.
“Please Cici,” I held onto her hands and stared intently into her eyes. “I just need to go to bed, I just need some alone time. It’s been a really long day.”
Her resolve began to waver because she wanted me to have what I needed, so I fixed my gaze on hers so she could see how serious I was. “Okay,” she eventually relented sadly. “But keep your phone on you, all right? So I can check up on you.”
I nodded, not wanting to tell her I had switched off my phone before she even arrived, wanting to stop Danny’s constant stream of calls, and I wasn’t sure when I would be ready to turn it back on again anytime soon. If I started down that route, I sensed she would really freak out, and then I would never be able to get rid of her.
As soon as I closed the door behind them, and let out a sigh of relief, I waited for that intense need to overcome me again, so I could actually act on it. But this time as I searched within myself, all I found was that familiar black emptiness within.
“Fucking hell,” I muttered as frustrated tears filled my eyes. What the hell was I supposed to do now? How could I carry on and get over this? It felt damn near impossible.
I glanced over to the computer, the temptation to slide over there and open that can of worms becoming more powerful. Rationally, I knew it was stupid, and that it would end up being a huge mistake, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself from wanting to take that step regardless. The booze and the craziness inside of my brain was egging me on too, making the desire even more overwhelming.
So with a tingle sensation racing right through my body, I tentatively made my way over to the computer, knowing it would be a minefield of information on the exact topic I was struggling with. It wasn’t exactly like I wanted to log on, and experience all that it would unleash, but at the same time I didn’t want other people to be more informed by all of this than I was, either. It was a horrible choice to make, but it felt like the smart one. I had to do it. It was the only way I could make any progress with this.
As the computer loaded painfully slowly, I felt a sick feeling rising up inside of me, which only the wine could dull. I kept drinking, just to keep myself going, which left me in the middle of an intense, vicious cycle—one I had no idea how to break.
I instantly typed ‘Danny Boreom’ into the search engine, just to find the pictures I’d already seen repeated a hundred times over. My heart fluttered excitedly as I saw images of him with the other band members, or playing up on stage, giving me the familiar excited sensations I always felt around him. But that all rapidly ebbed away as I saw him with her all over again.
I knew I should probably be glad that there wasn’t anything else to agonise over, but all I focus on was the sad fact that these pictures were now forever. Whatever happened, whatever the outcome, these photos would remain out there for people to see. Whatever the truth, this would never ever go away completely…
The enormity of that hit me hard, and I could feel my mind slipping back into an unwelcome tailspin. I took another much-needed swig of wine before taking action once more. Only this time I typed in another name to look up. One that threatened to provide a much more powerful reaction.
Chapter Nine
The muddy, raw feeling that came from trying to avoid someone I couldn’t live without quickly ate me up alive. I had to push my feelings, my devastating heartbreak, right down to the pit of my stomach, where it twisted and writhed constantly, needing my attention regardless of I was doing.
Of course, Joe was pretty much oblivious.
When we were in school, my existence didn’t seem to matter to him at all. Most of the time it made me wonder if we’d ever really been friends at all. He continued on with his life and his friends, all the while my focus was on simply getting through each day, holding myself together. I attempted to throw myself into my school work, to maintain my grades, but even that felt like a chore…a massive waste of time.
It was as if everything that made me the person I was had simply slipped away, leaving me with nothing.
Of course, things were different when we were at home, with no one around to see. That was when the old Joe began to resurface—the one who would do his best to make me laugh and be happy, however I felt inside. I was ashamed to feel it working, to feel myself being drawn back in so easily, but it was too diffic
ult for me to just cut him off completely. That would have involved far too many questions from our parents as to why we suddenly weren’t friends, so really allowing him to creep back in felt like the easiest option all round.
I was in a vicious cycle—one where I couldn’t stand the way he made me feel when we were around one another, and one where I hated him being away too. It damn near killed me. My biggest fear was the possibility that I would one day let my guard slip a little too much, and I would accidentally say something about the truth of my emotions by mistake.
That was an unnecessary worry in the end…
“You seem down, Lottie,” my mum mused one afternoon after school, actually paying me some real focused attention for the first time in a very long time—it was just too bad that it came at a moment when I really didn’t need it. “What’s going on with you?”
“Nothing,” I shot back quickly, allowing my hair to fall across my face so she couldn’t see me properly. “I’m just…thinking about school.”
“No, it isn’t just that,” she assessed, as if she knew so much better than me. “It’s been going on for a while now. I mean, you were really weird around Joe last night.”
“Leave it out, Mum,” I warned, standing up to move away, but rather than just letting me go, she grabbed onto my arm and made me look at her.
“Don’t start acting crazy around Joe, we need his family, you know?” That was the first moment in my life that I didn’t recognise the woman my mother was. There was an expression on her face I didn’t recognise, and it made my blood run cold.
“Whatever.” I shrugged her off quickly, but the damage her words had done was still there, bursting powerfully through my veins.