by Samie Sands
This wasn’t the first time Danny had been thoughtless, and I was sure it wouldn’t be the last, but that didn’t stop it from cutting deeply into my chest.
“But it’s okay to let me down?” I asked, no longer bothering to keep the hurt from lacing my tone. He needed to see what he was doing to me, how badly I was destroyed. I wanted him to understand there were consequences for his actions, and dire ones this time. But he remained silent, telling me all I needed to know. He wasn’t coming back, no matter what I needed, and that was the end of it. “Fine,” I eventually sighed, resignation consuming me.
“It’s not like that, babe,” he whined. “This is just…it’s my career, you know?”
I couldn’t listen to that anymore, I needed to shut it down quickly, and I had to get myself the space I so desperately needed. “Okay then, you go and focus on your career. Just…don’t bother to speak to me until you’re coming home. I can’t even think about talking to you before then.” I felt a little bad cutting him off so quickly, but I was doing it for me. No one else seemed to consider my needs, so I had to. Before he could even answer me, I cut him off and shut my phone completely, giving me some time to think.
I shifted my body to the end of the bed, where I hung my head in my lap for a few seconds, needing the nausea to stop twirling in my stomach. I felt angry because I could tell that Danny thought I was being unreasonable by needing him to come home, for asking him to put me before his career, but I just assumed he would this time. I knew his job was incredibly important, I was perfectly aware of that, but I considered my job huge too, and I would have taken the time off to explain something like this to him.
We couldn’t all be damn rock stars at the grand old age of twenty six, some of us had our creative dreams stolen from us for whatever reason. Not that I cared about that anymore, I thought that teaching was great career choice for me.
I mean, given the choice, I would have become a photographer—that was what I always wanted to do—but when the foundation of my life was ripped out from beneath me, just before I started university, I lost my passion for it. The colour from my life simply disappeared, and all I was left with was a monochrome existence—how could I be creative in that?
So I changed my major from Photography to English Literature. I felt it would lend itself to a lot of reading, which meant I could lose myself in a whole range of other worlds. A distraction from reality was exactly what I needed.
As it turned out, I actually loved it. I relished finding meaning in text, looking at structure, grammar, symbolism…it brought out a side of me I didn’t know I had. I rolled with that, glad to have something going well in my life, and it led me to the place I was today. At first, as soon as I left university, I got a job in a library for three days a week, allowing myself to lose myself in even more books. I was happy there, satisfied, but it wasn’t enough, so when the teaching opportunity swung my way, I grabbed onto it with both hands. It came in the form of a random flyer, and it actually turned my life around. The community college gave me a chance to teach adult students all that I’d learned in my course, and that sparked a new version of me. A much happier, more fulfilled version.
Passing on my wisdom and knowledge to people who really wanted to learn, who were thirsty for information, was incredibly rewarding. It gave me a purpose, a reason, and I honestly didn’t believe that made me any less important in the world. My students loved me, and I enjoyed their company, plus I felt like I was helping to further other people’s lives…and who couldn’t be happy with that?
I eventually slid off the end of the bed and took myself into the bathroom to have a shower. I needed to get ready now, there was no lazing around for me and simply recovering from my hangover. I had work today, and if Danny wasn’t about to take time off to sort this shit mess out, then neither was I.
I would just have to get through it, one way or another…
Chapter Twelve
The memory of when I first fell in love with photography flooded my mind as I stood in the lonely, dusty library by myself. It had been a sunny, Friday afternoon, and I was half-heartedly completing my media homework, taking random photographs in and around my garden without even thinking about it, when Joe strolled causally over to me with a sweet smile playing on his lips.
“It’s nice to see the expert in action.” He touched my arm as he spoke, sending those familiar tingles coursing through my veins. Things were definitely on their way to improving between us, but I was constantly aware of the unrequited love. It was like a massive black cloud hanging over my head the entire time, making me slightly awkward around him. I just wasn’t quite myself, which stilted every single one of our conversations, and if I had electricity bolting through me, then this chat wasn’t going to be any better.
“What…what do you mean?” I stammered uncomfortably. My mind was desperately spinning, trying to figure out what I was so clearly missing, but it remained frustratingly blank.
“Everyone has been talking about your photographs. They’re like, the talk of the school.”
My heart stopped dead in my chest. I didn’t want to be the talk of the school about anything. I’d already been there once before and it didn’t feel good. I certainly never expected to be there again, especially not with my photographs. I thought they were just normal, and a little boring, certainly nothing to care about…
I stared up at Joe, bewilderment in my eyes, causing him to laugh loudly. “What’s wrong? That’s a good thing. You should be proud of yourself.”
He didn’t get it, of course he didn’t. He loved being the centre of attention; it seemed to be the thing that kept him going. For a brief second, it hit me how different we were, how we were the complete opposite ends of the scale, a revelation I’d never noticed before. It caused a sharp pain in my chest, one that nearly had me staggering backwards. It never used to be that way, when we were younger we were like two sides of the same coin. When had that changed? Why couldn’t I seem to pinpoint the moment of something so utterly dramatic and life changing happening?
As if Joe couldn’t see the distress his statement had just caused me, he slipped the digital camera from my fingers, scanning through all of the photographs with admiration in his expression. Simply seeing that lifted something inside of me, it filled me with a confidence I’d never felt before, making me forget the worries that had only just been racing through my mind. He made me feel worthy, like I might actually be good at something, and that honestly changed the course of my focus from there on out.
“These pictures are incredible,” he told me seriously. “But maybe you should snap from that angle, to get a better lighting…”
Photography became a focal point of rebuilding our bond from there on out. With something other than just us to talk about, I became less awkward, I become more the Lotts that I’d always been around him, and for that reason it became incredibly special to me as a hobby. That made me even more determined to follow it through as a career too, really taking things to the next level. It was almost as if I wanted it for myself because Joe wanted it for me so damn badly.
When it came to the end of school, I strategically picked photography courses at colleges where I knew Joe had applied to complete his Sports Science qualification. I didn’t even think about what I needed, I just wanted to stay near him at all times. I couldn’t even consider my life without him in it, it wasn’t even something I could conceive happening. I suppose I didn’t even think it was a possibility back then, I never thought we would end up where we were today.
I had to get used to that in the end, of course, because my college plans fell apart, but by that time everything had shifted anyway. My entire perception of the whole world had completely changed.
I took a second to wonder what would happen if Joe ever messaged me back to my stupid drunken post. Would he be disappointed I hadn’t followed through on my creative dreams? Would he think less of me because I wasn’t a photographer? Would he tell me as much?
; I tried to imagine myself in the life I always felt he wanted for me…jet setting around the world, shooting photographs of celebrities, or wildlife, or something, but that just didn’t fit in with me. Maybe if I’d pushed harder, that’s where I could have been. Maybe that would have made me more interesting to Joe…Danny too, but I just couldn’t see that ever being possible.
Did that make me boring?
I knew I was on the quieter side, and that maybe I wasn’t a go-getter, but I hadn’t ever seen that as a negative thing necessarily, until now.
I glanced around the library, inhaling some of the dust, for the first time feeling like I hadn’t done well for myself. I imagined Joe picturing me here, and the snarky comment he might make about me allowing my talent to go to waste. I didn’t even own a camera anymore, I hadn’t even thought about taking photographs for many years…how the hell would he take that news? If he even cared, of course…
All of a sudden, everything I’d loved about my life up until that point simply crumbled. I started to see it through a different vision, and it all seemed a little weak. I gulped down the sickness that flooded through me, trying desperately to claw my fierce determination to come back. I’d always felt extremely protective about the way I lived my life, especially because it made me so happy, but that was no more.
Why the hell was I so pathetic when it came to Joe, and his opinion? Why couldn’t I seem to just stand up for myself? I’d never experienced much of a problem with it when it came to Danny, so why couldn’t I apply that to him? He hadn’t even replied to my message yet, we hadn’t even connected, and to be perfectly honest, we might never do so, but the mere thought of him had me slipping back to the sixteen-year-old girl I’d once been.
Oh God, I’d already known contacting Joe was a stupid idea, but now with all the crazy thoughts swimming around my mind that was more prominent than ever. The past belonged in the past, I should have known that. I should never have dragged it up, however uncertain I was about my present. Now I felt like I was about to reap the consequences of that, and it didn’t feel good.
Chapter Thirteen
I tried to pretend I had some innocent reason for logging onto my social media accounts, even though I was acutely aware that wasn’t the case. I didn’t know why I was acting cool for no one to see, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. I kept my expression smooth as my heart pounded furiously in my chest, my lips remained firmly clamped together, despite the fact I was desperate to scream. I guess I just wasn’t ready to admit to myself how freaked out I was at the possibility I might have had a response.
I mean, it had been twenty four hours…everyone checked their Facebook accounts on a daily basis, didn’t they? I felt like I needed to accept that if I didn’t get a reply now, then I never would. If I didn’t think like that, then this fierce dragon within me might never calm itself down.
Breathe…I had to remind myself as the page loaded agonisingly slowly. Breathe, no matter what happens, I will be okay. I hoped I would, anyway. With everything else that was going on, it was hard to feel like I would ever be all right again, but I had to try. I couldn’t crumble, not totally. Once that happened, I wasn’t sure if there would be any going back.
My heart flipped in my chest as I spotted the amount of communications that I’d had during the few hours that I was working—thirty six new posts on my public wall, and fifteen unread messages. My mind raced, trying to figure out what dramatic event had occurred to cause such a flurry of activity, before it became clear that it was all the do with Danny, and the story about him cheating.
Sending thoughts your way xxx
Sorry to hear that happened to you…you’re too good for him anyway.
What a dick!
The words swam in front of my face, leaving me feeling sick to my stomach. These were all acquaintances, not people I knew well, who the hell did they think they were, getting involved in my personal business? I would never do that to anyone else, whether their partner was in the public eye or not. It left me dizzy and shocked to even consider the audacity of some people.
I was so shocked and disgusted that I almost clicked off the page entirely, wanting to ignore it all until I felt ready. That was until I spotted a face in my inbox, a name I’d been desperate to see. He still managed to shine through and crack my shock barrier, no matter what was going on. He was like a shining beacon of joy, a calming sensation when everything else was shit.
Just like that, everything else dulled. I became calmer, my head sorted itself out, and I remembered my sole purpose for doing this. I wanted to see if he had messaged me back, and he had, so I clicked on it to read what he had to say.
Hi Lotts, It’s so good to hear from you! I’ve searched for you online before, but I wasn’t sure if you’d want to hear from me. What are you up to these days? Coincidently I’m back at Mum’s this weekend for a couple of days. Would you like to meet up? Joe xx’
And there it was, the innocent questions, the possibility to pick things up where they left off before things went to shit. This was what I’d been wanting for many years, but now that it was here, it felt really strange. It didn’t feel quite as good as I expected it to. I felt like it was going to be a risk, that if I did choose to accept his offer, I would end up with my heart shattered into a million pieces once more.
Then again, why shouldn’t I? After all, Joe was an old friend, and Danny was off doing God knows what, with anyone and everyone. Why should I sit around and wait for him to not come home, when I could go and hang out with someone I used to know. It would just be a chance to catch up, to go over old times…
The thought of seeing him once more, back in our hometown—although no longer next door since his family moved—was too tempting for words. Of course things couldn’t be exactly as they once were because our parents were no longer next door neighbours, but it would be the closest that I could get. Maybe going back there, and feeling more like the old me, I could put things to rest much quicker.
With my heart thundering in my ears, blocking out any possibility for rational thought, I typed an agreeable reply before I could talk myself out of it once more. I knew what my heart wanted me to do, but I was also acutely aware of what my head thought I should do, and I desperately wanted to listen to one of them over the other.
That sounds good, I need to pick up some bits from Mum’s anyway, so I can combine them both! Here is my number, give me a text. x
I felt like sounding breezy and calm was the best way to tackle this. Joe certainly hadn’t mentioned anything from the past—or his present either, for that matter—so I had no idea how we were going to tackle that. It seemed much easier to simply wait and find out than to push it. A lot of time had passed now, maybe we would simply blow past it as if it was nothing…
Whatever we did, it had to help me. I didn’t feel like it could make me feel any worse, at any rate.
While the thought that this was a good idea span through my mind, I picked up the phone to call my mum. If I was going to go back there, I would need to stay at hers. She didn’t live too far away from me, I hadn’t managed to move as far as I would have liked, but it’s too far to travel back to if I’ve had a couple of drinks.
Plus, I didn’t think I would be able to come back to the home I shared with Danny after spending time with Joe. It would just feel like the ultimate betrayal. It really was the only solution, but that didn’t stop the tight knot of fear from coiling around in my stomach as I waited for Mum to pick up.
“Hello?” she answered, in the too-serious voice she’d adopted these days. “Lottie? Are you okay?”
“Erm…” I stammered, suddenly realising I should have planned this conversation before I started it. Now I wasn’t really sure what to say. “Do you think it might be okay if I come and stay this weekend?” As those words left my mouth, I thought about my old home, and my old life, and a weird buzz of excitement grew in my stomach.
“Sure…” she drawled out, slowly and cautiously. She was cle
arly shocked, and I could understand why. I hadn’t been back there to stay since I ran away to university, I’d not intended to ever go back, yet here I was, desperate to do so. “I just…with everything that’s happening at the moment, I need a time out.”
“I did hear something about that.” Her lips were pursed, I could hear it in her voice. I got the impression she was keeping a million opinions inside, which was where I needed them to stay. She’d never been bothered to tell me what she thought of Danny before, so I didn’t feel like she had the right now. Not when things were so bad, and not when I was effectively lying, using my situation as an excuse to get what I wanted. Luckily for me, she seemed to get the hint. “You can come and stay, when will you be arriving?”
There was a warmth to her tone, one that made my chest swell with love. For a split second, it almost had me opening up and telling her everything, but then the picture of how she might react if I told her I was in touch with Joe again filled my mind, and it shot that idea down too quickly.
Either she would freak out and tell me what I didn’t want to hear, or she would be far too excited for me, constantly reminding me of what a good idea it was. I didn’t want either of those things, I preferred to operate in secrecy where I could deal with this all by myself.
“I’m teaching tomorrow evening, but I’ll be down Saturday morning, if that’s okay?”
“Sure, we’ll see you then.” Just before my mum said the word ‘goodbye,’ I got the sense there was something on the tip of her tongue, something she wanted to say, but that she didn’t quite feel ready for. I wanted to push her, to ask her what it was, but I knew from past experience that would only cause her to shut down even more.
By the time I hung up the phone, all of my negative emotions surrounding what Danny had done were simply gone from my mind. All of a sudden, I didn’t care about that anymore, I had more important things to worry about. I had to decide what I was going to wear when I saw Joe again, how I was going to act. What questions should I ask him, and what subjects should I definitely avoid? This was going to be a minefield to navigate, and as much as that terrified me, it excited the hell out of me too.