by Samie Sands
Urgh, I didn’t want to think about Danny, not right now. I had too much else on my mind, too many other things to be worried about, things I could deal with right now…not things I had to wait for. If I didn’t want to allow this to overwhelm me, then I really had to tackle it one moment at a time. Luckily I had quite a few hours until I was meeting Joe, which I’d planned perfectly to give me some time to adjust. I’d brought my diary with me to get me back into the right frame of mind. Sure, I was aware it could potentially drag me right back into being sixteen-years-old all over again, but I felt like that was the only way I would be able to tackle things with Joe. I felt like I needed to be that person before I could even consider seeing him, and that was a whole lot easier being surrounded by everything that made me her.
Chapter Sixteen
The morning after my first kiss with Joe, I woke up with my mind twisted all around in knots. I wasn’t quite sure how I was supposed to feel, and that was harder than anything to deal with. In every dream I’d had about kissing Joe, everything had been magical, absolutely perfect from there on out, the glue to hold the pieces of the rest of my life together…but it wasn’t, and that was a difficult pill to swallow.
I slumped out of my bed, and down the stairs in a state of sheer upset. Mum tried to speak to me, to work out what was wrong, but I couldn’t give her anything. I knew she was desperate for me to open up, to tell her everything, she was practically screaming for it, but I couldn’t. There was just no way. I was certain our parents were harbouring a secret hope for me and Joe to end up together, so I knew they’d get carried away if they found out the truth, which would add endless pressures to us. I hoped she would simply take my grunts as teenage hormones running wild, but I wasn’t totally sure she did. I got the sense she could see far deeper into me than I wanted her to.
Maybe I was making it obvious by unwittingly gazing in the direction of his house, or maybe it was simply written all over my face.
“I just think you should know,” she told me in that overly innocent sounding tone of voice—the one I knew would lead to something bad—all the while refusing to make eye contact with me. “That the neighbours are coming over for dinner tonight. I don’t know if Joe has told you yet?”
I nodded morosely, not wanting to admit he didn’t mention it, before racing up the stairs to get myself ready for school. Considering I had no idea how me and Joe were going to be with one another, I wanted to look my best. If I was his girlfriend now—which there was every possibility I could be—then everyone would be looking at me, comparing me to the absolutely stunning girls who had hit puberty early and very well, which meant I wanted to at least attempt to make my scrutiny a positive one. And if we weren’t…well, I wanted him to understand what he was missing out on.
Of course, in my mind I wanted to look like the sexiest, most grown up woman on the planet, but in reality it didn’t quite work out like that. My red, frizzy hair was literally unmanageable. I couldn’t have it spilling down my back in endless curls, so I felt compelled to tie it back out of the way instead. I wore makeup, but it didn’t seem to sit right on my skin, and it definitely wasn’t hiding my spots in the way I really needed it to. As for school uniform, well, I tried on all sorts of combinations, trying to work out what image I wanted to portray, before—probably very unwisely—choosing the shortest skin and the highest heels I could find. It wasn’t quite ‘sex goddess, deserving of Joe Davies,’ but it would have to do.
“What are you wearing?” Mum yelled at me, but I didn’t give her time to stop me, I scooted out the door as quickly as I could instead. I didn’t need a lecture, I just needed the day over with to work out where I stood with the boy I now knew was the love of my life. Sure, things hadn’t quite gone to plan, but that didn’t mean I’d fallen out of love with him at all. We were young, I was inexperienced, everything would get better with time.
***
I held the tears in until lunch time, however difficult it was. They were always there, on the brink of coming out, but I had my pride…and that was all I had left. Not only was Joe not treating me like his girlfriend, he was completely ignoring me. I smiled at him from across the room the first moment I saw him, but he turned away and continued talking to his friends.
At least he had the decency to blush at his terrible treatment of me—not that it made me feel much better.
Emily chased me into the bathroom and begged me to tell her what was wrong. I made up some story about a fight with my mum just to get her off my back, but I couldn’t hide the pain from myself. I’d never considered heartbreak as anything more than an emotional pain before that moment, but there was a physical pain racing through my chest and down into my stomach, as if everything was being torn apart.
How the hell was I supposed to carry on knowing that I could have had him, he’d actually given me a chance, but somehow I’d blown it?
The torture wasn’t going to just continue at school either. I couldn’t even get away from it at home. His entire family were coming around for dinner, and I would have to at least attempt to act like everything was normal if I didn’t want to be swarmed and bombarded with endless questions. Deep down, in the part of me where my fantasies lay, the ones that I wouldn’t admit to anyone, I’d believed that we would finally make the announcement to our families tonight about us. I assumed that as soon as I stepped into school, all of my self-doubt and fears would be shot down, that Joe would reassure me everything was fine…yet here I was, in a worse state than before.
27th May 2007
I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be around him. Things were hard enough when I was experiencing unrequited love, but now I know I could have had it back, but I haven’t, and I have no one to blame for that other than myself.
It broke my heart all over again to read and run my fingers over those words. Of course, I was wrong to be so worried, to be so freaked out about Joe’s reaction, but I wouldn’t learn that until much later on in the evening.
“I can’t come down, Mum,” I groaned, faking an illness as I lay in my bed. School had been torture. There was no way I could go through all of that again. I just needed to be alone. Knowing he was downstairs would be torture enough, being around him was unthinkable.
“Well…okay, if you’re sure,” she murmured, slightly disbelievingly. “I will come and check on you before everyone arrives, to see if you’re any better.”
“I won’t be, Mum,” I told her, a little more firmly this time. To highlight my point, I gripped tightly onto my stomach and let out a small groan. “I just need to sleep. I would prefer to be left alone.”
But as she left the room, finally giving me the peace I so desperately needed, sleep was the last thing from my mind. My heart was thundering painfully in my chest, anxiety and sadness was coiling through my veins, I felt wide eyed and panicked, and that had no chance of going until he was gone.
All those looks I’d snuck at him throughout the day, just to see him looking the other way, all those tears I’d shed in the toilet, just to see him laughing and joking with his friends as if he had no troubles in the world—I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to forgive him.
At least, I hoped I wouldn’t. Deep down I knew all I wanted was for him to take me in his arms and tell me everything would be okay. I was pathetic and needy for him, and much as it pained me, I felt like it would always be that way.
I could hear everything clearly, from the moment Joe’s family entered my home, to the last. I was aware of them chatting over drinks in the front room, I heard them moving into the dining room to eat, I even heard Marie leaving early when the adults remained to have a few more drinks.
Then someone thundered up the stairs, and much to my horror I heard a knocking at the door. I sat bolt upright in bed, lightly rubbing the wetness from my eyes. All the panic that had been flowing through me before became sheer terror, bolting everywhere, damn near sending me insane.
“Who…who’s there?” I asked, fully knowing it would
only be one person. Marie was gone, and our parents were drinking. In my mum’s mind, I was probably long forgotten. It was Joe, finally coming to face me, way before I was ready for it.
“It’s me, Lotts, can I come in?”
Just his voice—that was enough to have my cold veneer melting. I did feel shame for how easily I could forgive him, but there was nothing I could do to stop that. “Yes,” I finally replied morosely, forcing myself to sit around to face him. “Come in.”
Guilt was written all over his face as he slunk into my room. He reminded me of the times we would get in trouble when we were kids, and how he seemed to go in on himself, just to attempt to stop his mother yelling at him. It didn’t ever work, but it sort of was with me, I couldn’t keep the smile from my lips.
“I’m so sorry for how I’ve been acting, Lotts,” he finally met my eyes, pleading with me. “I just…I didn’t know how to react, it’s all a bit sudden.”
Not to me! I thought, but of course I didn’t say that aloud. I simply nodded silently as a reply, willing him to go on, needing him to tell me everything.
“Last night, it was…”
He perched on the end of my bed next to me, and as a cold icy sensation trickled up and down my spine, it took all I had not to scoot away from him. Don’t say it, I begged telepathically. Please don’t say what I think you’re about to.
“I know, it was a mistake,” I finally spat out, unable to take the tension. Plus I felt like if I said it first it would seem like I wasn’t bothered either, and if Joe was about to break my heart, I at least wanted to save face. “Let’s just…just forget it—”
“No, no.” He grinned widely, sliding his body closer to me. “No, that wasn’t what I wanted to say at all.” He sighed deeply, while I sucked in and held a very deep breath. What the hell was going on now? “I just wanted to say that our parents might freak out if they found out about us. Plus everyone at school.” He wasn’t saying it aloud, he was trying to tactfully skate around it, but I knew what he meant. We were from different social circles now; he was at the top of the ladder and I was at the bottom. I probably should have been offended by that, but I didn’t even give it a second thought, I was simply waiting desperately for what he was about to say next. “So, maybe we should…keep hanging out in secret?”
Oh. My. God.
I soared higher than air, feeling like everything was finally right with the world again. Joe wanted me, he really did, he just didn’t want any pressure adding to that. Maybe he was right, maybe that was what had destroyed his past relationships, maybe it would be better for both of us. I quite liked the idea of a secret relationship anyway, something that would be there, just for us.
“Okay.” I nodded, finally allowing a big grin to spread across my lips. “Yeah, I like that plan. Keep us a secret.”
He let out a breath I hadn’t even realised he was holding, before pulling me in for a hug. As my head rested on his chest, all the negativity that had been controlling me all day long simply melted away. It made sense for this to be an easier transition for me—I’d been wanting it forever. It no longer mattered that it would take Joe that much longer to adjust, I didn’t care. He was mine now, and that was all that mattered. We were forever, I just knew it, so what did it matter how we began? With our whole lives ahead of us, this part of us would eventually become insignificant.
I’d been in love with Joe for so long it was insane, but now it was real. It was substantial, because he was in it too. It may have been confusing, but all of that was worth it, just to have him love me back.
27th May 2007
So, it turns out all that worry was for nothing. Joe snuck up for a quick chat after dinner and we really cleared the air. We’re going to be together, but keep it between us just for now. Then, just before he left, Joe lightly pressed his lips up against mine again in a way that felt incredible.
Our first kiss might have been a little…weird, but this one blew my mind.
Everything is solidified now. We’re going to be just fine.
Chapter Seventeen
“Oh God, no,” I muttered angrily to myself as I looked through my clothes spread out on the small bed in front of me. I thought I’d packed all kinds of different outfits, to ensure I had a decent choice with me, but now as I glanced through it all, it was obvious none of it was good enough. I needed to get the exact right mix of casual and cute, and I didn’t seem to have anything that worked.
In an attempt to convince myself I wasn’t acting like this was some kind of crazy first date, I told myself I’d be just as worried about what I looked like, whoever I was going to meet from my school days…but I knew I wouldn’t. I knew it was just because it was him. I knew it was because I wanted Joe to see what he’d lost out on. I wanted him to regret letting me go. It might not have been the right way to feel, but I couldn’t help that.
As the time of our meet up drew nearer, my nerves intensified, I started to feel sick to my stomach, almost pulling out of the meeting more than once. I kept grabbing my phone and typing out cancellation text messages before deleting them rapidly. I needed to do this, however scary it was. I had to wade through this door, I couldn’t leave it half open any longer, it was driving me insane.
“Come on, Lottie,” I whispered to my reflection in the mirror, trying my best to rearrange my face until it looked semi-normal. “You can’t keep balancing on this knife edge anymore.” One day I would slip and fall, one day it wouldn’t be possible anymore. I needed to end this now, while the opportunity was there.
I allowed my eyes to slip shut for a second, before sucking in some deep, calming breaths. Then, I reached forward and grabbed a sparkly top, fit for sixteen-year-old Lottie, a pair of jeans, and some ballet flats. Joe wasn’t much taller than me anyway, so I never wore heels around him, making it feel like the most obvious choice in the world. I was acutely aware that I’d gone the whole hog now, and completely reverted back to the teenage version of myself, but I didn’t even care. I couldn’t see it going any other way.
Knock, knock…
“Mum? Is that you?” I asked, growing more and more frustrated with her. “I’m getting changed.” She probably meant well, but she was driving me insane with her constant, seemingly meaningless, interruptions.
“I just wanted to see if you’re okay?” she called quietly through the door. “You know, if you’d rather, you can stay in with me…”
“No, thank you,” I shot back firmly. “I’m going to meet J—my friend in a minute, so it’s too late to back out now.”
“Right…okay…” She made it obvious she had more to say, but if she wasn’t about to delve right in and just tell me, I refused to drag it out of her. I had too much else on my mind. I couldn’t even consider her needs when I was about to jump right into the one place I never thought I would go again.
I tapped my foot impatiently, waiting for her to leave, just like I used to do when I was a kid. Everything was so different these days, the entire world had changed around me, but it seemed that deep down, I was still the same. There was no escaping the person I’d once been. I could move away, date a rock star, make new friends, get unexpected jobs, and try to move forward…but it seemed like impatient, childish Lotts would always be there, locked away inside of me.
As I heard her footsteps finally vanish, I returned back to my reflection and started to style my hair. Now that I had my clothes chosen, I didn’t want to continue focusing on them, I didn’t want to give myself the opportunity to change them again, so I brushed my hair hard and clipped it back off my face, examining myself closely as I did.
I looked strange, but familiar all at once. I kept staring at myself for a few moments, just picking out the parts of me that were the way they’d always been, and the parts that had completely changed. My nose would always be slightly upturned, my lips would always be plump, my eyes would always be blue with flecks of grey—but now they had a wisdom that didn’t used to be there. I’d lived through many things, survive
d parts of my life I never thought I would be able to, and I was still standing. Even if my entire world was crumbling around me, I hadn’t given in and fallen apart—not yet—and that felt like something to be proud of.
I can do this, I tried my best to convince myself. This is nothing. This will be easy…all I need to do is get there.
With that, before I could change my mind once more, I grabbed my bag and stomped out of my bedroom. I needed to use that determination to spur me forwards. I wasn’t going out on some weird first date with a stranger I’d never laid eyes on before, I was about to hang out with my old friend, Joe. Before things got complicated, before I started to see him in a different way, being around him was the easiest damn thing in the world. If I thought about only that, maybe it wouldn’t be so hard after all.
He was the boy who held my hand to stop me from falling…the only friend I had when I fell out with my mum…the one person I wanted to see throughout the early days of school, and when we got home too…he didn’t scare me then, and he really shouldn’t now. I knew him, I knew everything about him—or at least I did—seeing him again wasn’t something that I needed to fear.
I tried to imagine Joe, getting dressed, freaking out about seeing me again, but I just couldn’t picture it. He didn’t seem to share my intense anxiety, my need to overanalyse every last detail, he was always content to simply go with the flow and I could only assume he was still the same today. I bet he would chuck on a new t-shirt five minutes after the time he was supposed to be meeting me, and he would rock up then without a care in the world.
It still hurt that his home—or his parents’ home—wasn’t right there anymore, and I couldn’t just look into it. I just couldn’t imagine him in this area without being there. Would that be as weird for him as it was me? That would probably be the only thing that could bother him.