by Adam Cece
Tobias and Kipp both gave her strange looks, as if to say, we are not even going to bother checking our pockets for celery, because we are schoolboys, and the odds of finding celery in any schoolboy’s pocket are pretty low.
‘Well, they must be after something,’ said Cymphany.
The school of thrashing piranhas was getting very close now.
‘I just thought of something,’ said Kipp grimly. ‘You know how everything in this town is becoming normal all of a sudden?’
‘Yes,’ said Cymphany, keeping one nervous eye on the approaching fish.
‘Well, suppose the piranhas have turned normal as well.’ Kipp looked as if he didn’t really want to finish his sentence. ‘Which would mean they are—’
‘Not vegetarian anymore,’ Tobias said, as he turned white.
The rim of the boat’s hull dipped underwater at that point, so all three children did the only thing they could do: they climbed the boat’s little mast, which was the only bit still above water.
Kipp and Cymphany went up first, and just as Kipp reached down to help Tobias, a piranha launched from the water, hungrily snapping its teeth.
There was a loud crunch, and Tobias froze.
‘Arrrrrrrr,’ he screamed. ‘My bum!’
‘What happened?’ Cymphany said, as she scrambled to keep a good hold on the mast. ‘Did you get bitten?’
While Kipp held onto him, Tobias quickly checked his backside. ‘I’m okay,’ he said with a huge sigh of relief. ‘But the little fishy beast bit off my pocket, and right through my undies too, I think. I can feel fresh air on my behind!’
Cymphany laughed, although it wasn’t really a funny situation. ‘That was a close one,’ she said, stating the extremely obvious.
They looked down and saw the piranha, with Tobias’ pocket and part of his undies in its mouth. Other chomping piranhas converged on the fabric, until it was completely shredded and half digested.
‘Oh dear,’ said Tobias. ‘If they did that to a little bit of pocket and undies fabric, imagine what they’ll do to us.’
The boat’s tiny mast could barely support the weight of the three children clinging to it, and it groaned ominously in the breeze—even though we’ve already established that the presence of breeze on Misty Lake is impossible, but somebody please tell the breeze that, because it was there anyway.
The frantic piranhas surrounded the base of the mast. The rest of the boat was at least thirty centimetres underwater now. So to anyone passing it would have appeared as though three children were out on Misty Lake riding a pogo stick.
‘This is a very bad situation,’ said Kipp, who had obviously been to the same stating-the-extremely-obvious school as Cymphany. ‘We’re still sinking.’
‘And we’ve got no Spiritus Magnasomnigus to save us this time,’ added Cymphany, dismally.
‘Can anyone see anything?’ Tobias said, and he looked around madly.
But there seemed to be nothing around them except mist, water and piranhas.
‘What about your satchel, Cym?’ Kipp asked, clambering to keep high on the mast. ‘Is there anything in there that can help us?’
Cymphany shook her head grimly. ‘I’m afraid not. Only more of those chocolate-chip cookies we had the other day, and they won’t be any good to us now.’
Tobias gulped. He was actually a tad peckish, but he could hardly enjoy chocolate-chip cookies from Cymphany’s satchel at a time like this. Or at least, not enjoy them very much.
‘Well, this may be it,’ Cymphany sighed, as if to say, it might be time to say our final goodbyes, before we become piranha food. ‘We may have escaped Mrs Turgan, but I don’t know what can save us this time.’
‘There’s only one thing to try,’ said Tobias.
‘What’s that?’ Kipp asked, hoping his friend had a brilliant escape plan.
‘Well,’ said Tobias nervously. ‘I could jump in and swim for it. The piranhas are bound to chase me. If I don’t make it back to land at least the two of you might be able to.’
‘But,’ said Kipp. ‘Then you’ll—’
‘I know,’ said Tobias, trying to act braver than he felt. ‘But if it will help you two get away it’s a sacrifice I am willing to make—you are my best and only friends in the whole world, after all.’
Kipp and Cymphany were in awe of their wonderful, caring friend, who, despite his Treachery family name, was so loyal he would sacrifice his life for the chance to save theirs.
‘We can’t let you do that,’ said Cymphany. ‘Either all of us make it out of this or none of us. Ahhhhhhh.’ Cymphany flinched as a flying piranha shot past her face and a sharp tooth flicked the end of her nose.
‘We haven’t got time to argue,’ Tobias said. ‘In a few seconds this mast will be underwater. There is no other way out of this.’
With that Tobias leant back and started to release his grip on the mast.
‘No,’ Kipp shouted. ‘No, Tobias.’
Cymphany also screamed for her brave friend to stop.
Now, as storyteller, I feel I have to interrupt at this point to reassure you that Tobias didn’t jump. But I honestly believe he would have, if not for the fact that a voice rang through the air just in the nick of time.
‘I wouldn’t do that if I were you,’ bellowed a smiling Felonious Dark, as he and his sailboat emerged from the mist. ‘The piranhas will have you shredded and eaten in seconds, and then your friends as well. None of you will make it anywhere near the shore.’
‘Help us,’ yelled Cymphany.
Felonious Dark laughed a wheezy laugh. ‘Help you? Why would I do that?’ The thin cruel man casually steered his boat in close to the children, but not close enough for them to jump on board. ‘I was the one who put the holes in your boat.’
‘You are evil,’ Cymphany screamed.
Felonious Dark laughed again. ‘Of course I am. I never claimed to be otherwise.’
Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany sank lower and lower. They were only half a metre above the water now. Felonious Dark was taking great pleasure in watching as they screamed and dodged the flying, teeth-gnashing piranhas.
Just when Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany thought Felonious Dark was going to sit by and watch them perish, he pulled in closer and yanked the children, one by one, into his boat.
Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany huddled together at one end of Felonious Dark’s boat, shivering and shaken by their ordeal.
Felonious Dark watched the mast of the sinking sailboat finally disappear under the water. ‘You’ve lost my red bucket,’ he said in a bemused tone. ‘I expect compensation for that.’
‘Your red bucket?’ Kipp asked, as if to say, that’s odd because I found that red bucket half-buried in the sand.
‘Well, of course.’ Felonious Dark smirked. ‘The red bucket I partially buried for you to find. I knew you’d think you could bail the water out fast enough, but I also knew eventually you’d be overcome and then you’d have no chance of making it back to shore.’
‘You mean you had this all planned?’ Tobias asked in disbelief.
Felonious Dark seemed especially proud of himself. ‘It was a beautifully devious plan, wasn’t it. And it would have worked. Only, I realised that if children’s bones started turning up in the Huggabie Falls drinking water a few too many questions might be asked. It was almost as good as my plan last week to ring Mrs Turgan and tell her I’d seen a few truant children loitering outside my office.’
‘You fiend,’ yelled Cymphany, which is exactly what I would have yelled if I’d been there.
The realisation came over Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany that they’d been tricked by this evil man not once, but twice, and they all felt exceptionally gullible.
‘What are you going to do with us?’ Tobias asked.
‘That’s enough questions for now,’ Felonious Dark hissed. ‘You children should just be happy to be alive. Now, sit back and enjoy the ride.’
Actually, Felonious Dark’s suggestion that Kipp, Tobias and Cympha
ny sit back and enjoy the ride reminds me of another Huggabie Falls resident who enjoyed rides. I think now might be a good time to tell you about him.
Pidge Priestly loved roller-coasters. At the age of nine he went on his first amusement-park roller-coaster ride. He liked it so much he went on it again, and again, and again—thirty-four times in a row. The only reason he stopped was because the amusement park closed for the evening.
At ten the next morning, an amusement-park worker found Pidge waiting outside for the amusement park to open, so he could ride the roller-coaster again.
Pidge’s parents soon became quite concerned with their son’s obsession. Pidge even said he would live on a roller-coaster if he could.
Then, many years later, he read an article in the paper that said Huggabie Falls was the only town in the world where it was legal to build your house on a roller-coaster. So Pidge moved to Huggabie Falls and built his house on a roller-coaster.
Pidge loved it, but he soon discovered that it’s quite expensive to keep a house on a roller-coaster running twenty-four hours a day, so he was forced to sell rides on his house. People could pay to sit in his lounge room, his dining room, or even in his little vegetable garden, while enjoying a roller-coaster ride. They often asked Pidge how he could enjoy living on a constantly moving and dipping, and sometimes upside-down house. Pidge would just shrug and say he liked to sit back and enjoy the ride, and the only downside was he couldn’t flip pancakes anymore.
So I hope you enjoyed the story of Pidge Priestly and how he came to live in Huggabie Falls. Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany had heard of Pidge Priestly, and, just like me, they’d thought of him when Felonious Dark said sit back and enjoy the ride. The children doubted that even Pidge Priestly, who enjoyed rides more than anyone, could enjoy this ride. When you go on a normal ride you usually do it of your own free will, not out of being kidnapped, and you are not normally surrounded by hungry not-vegetarian piranhas.
So, subsequently, the children did not sit back and enjoy the ride. Instead, they continued to huddle together, shivering from the cold and keeping a close eye on Felonious Dark.
Felonious Dark stood at the other end of the boat, steering it with one oar, and looking like an evil gondolier sculling a gondola in Venice. He whistled happily to himself and started to sing a song. Felonious Dark was not a good singer. The song went:
Normal, normal, normal.
I like things that are normal.
They are better than things that are weird.
Everyone agrees with me,
even that guy with the beard.
Normal, normal, normal.
Felonious Dark pointed at Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany. ‘Sing along, children. You know the words.’
Normal, normal, normal,
Normal, normal, normal,
Normal, normal, normal.
Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany did know the words, or really just the one word repeated many times, but they didn’t sing along because the song wasn’t that good, and even if it was good they wouldn’t have felt like singing. They were cold and scared, and Felonious Dark’s smelly feet were making them all feel nauseous.
Felonious Dark kept singing, and steering, all the way to the gigantic Huggabie Falls water plant, which sat on an island in the middle of Misty Lake. This water plant was responsible for pumping water from the lake, filtering it, and piping it into the town for the residents of Huggabie Falls to drink, and shower in and flush toilets with. The plant was full of rusty pipes and vats of freshly filtered water.
Felonious Dark steered the boat through one of the grand brick-archway entrances and he, Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany drifted into a cavernous domed room that had a vast metal platform on one side. A creepy woman with white hair, glasses and a long white lab coat—the sort scientists wear—stood waiting on the platform. Nearby, two big muscly men in suits sat at a little foldaway table playing cards. They didn’t look like scientists—they looked more like henchmen.
Felonious Dark steered the boat over to the edge of the platform. He sprang onto the platform and tied the boat to a bollard with a thick rope.
‘What’s this?’ the creepy scientist said to Felonious Dark.
The two big muscly henchmen looked up for a moment, but they must have decided Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany weren’t that interesting, because they were soon taking turns throwing cards down on the table again, and every few seconds one of them would slam a hand down and shout, ‘Snap!’
‘These kids were snooping around,’ Felonious Dark said, responding to the creepy scientist’s question. ‘This one is Kipp Kindle.’
The creepy scientist looked at Kipp, and her eyebrows shot up. ‘Oh, so you’re Kipp Kindle,’ she said.
‘That’s right, I am,’ Kipp said, defensively. He was used to people knowing who he was, due to his famously weird family, and it wasn’t usually in a good way. ‘Who are you?’
The creepy scientist laughed. ‘You used to have the weirdest family in Huggabie Falls. You’re our biggest success story.’
‘Success story?’ Cymphany humphed and crossed her arms.
‘And this is Cymphany Chan,’ Felonious Dark explained.
‘That means you must be Tobias Treachery,’ the creepy scientist said, studying Tobias.
Tobias glanced down at the water, as if he was considering whether he might be better off in with the piranhas.
The creepy scientist smiled at Tobias’s apprehension. ‘You must be enjoying the fact that your family is no longer the most disliked family in Huggabie Falls.’
Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany had no idea what to say next. They were all a bit shaken—which was not surprising considering they had almost been eaten by piranhas only a short while ago, and now they’d been kidnapped and brought to an isolated water plant, and had no idea what this creepy scientist or the evil Felonious Dark, or those two muscly henchmen had planned for them. So silence seemed like the best option at that point.
‘Well, come on then.’ The creepy scientist gestured at the platform. ‘Get out of that boat. We’re not going to hurt you.’
Felonious Dark grinned evilly at them, as if to say, well, maybe these others won’t hurt you, but I wouldn’t be so sure about me.
‘Why should we trust you?’ Kipp asked the creepy scientist. ‘You’ve obviously had something to do with the extremely weird thing that has happened, and because of Mr Dark we came very close to being eaten by piranhas.’
The creepy scientist glared at Felonious Dark. ‘Felonious, we’re supposed to be doing a good thing here, not hurting children.’
Felonious Dark shrugged. ‘What? I’m evil. That’s why you hired me.’
The creepy scientist eventually convinced the suspicious children to get out of the boat—she even ordered one of the muscly henchmen to get Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany some fizzy drinks from some other room.
While one muscly henchman was gone the other muscly henchman rearranged all the cards in the deck, giggling mischievously.
When Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany were given their fizzy drinks, they were sensible enough not to drink them. They had all been warned not to accept gifts from strangers. ‘Especially,’ Kipp’s mother had once said, ‘drinks from creepy scientists or their henchmen.’ Which was very wise and, now that I think about it, suspiciously accurate advice. When the creepy scientist asked why they didn’t want the drinks, Tobias said, ‘We don’t trust you. These drinks could contain anything.’
I suspect the drinks were orange flavoured, as in a recent survey of creepy scientists across the nation, it was found that nine out of ten creepy scientists prefer orange flavoured drinks. But I do think it was wise for the children not to accept the strange drinks, especially if they weren’t aware of the survey.
The creepy scientist laughed. ‘You are very smart. Perhaps I should tell you what we are doing here. That might put your minds at ease.’
Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany all looked at each other. They most certainly did want to find out what was goin
g on here, which was why they’d followed Felonious Dark in the first place.
The creepy scientist continued. ‘I’m a scientist who works for the government, and a few years ago I identified the weird gene.’
‘The weird gene?’ Tobias said, frowning.
‘Yes,’ the creepy scientist said. ‘Do you know what genes are?’
‘Of course,’ Cymphany said. ‘Genes are the little coded bits of us that determine what colour hair we have, how tall we are going to be and all that stuff.’
‘We’ve got a smart one here,’ said the creepy scientist and she winked at Felonious Dark. ‘Genes make up your DNA. All human beings are made up of DNA…’
The creepy scientist then started explaining DNA to Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany, but I won’t write about that. Explanations of DNA are about as exciting as watching paint dry. When someone uses the expression ‘as exciting as watching paint dry’, they are referring to the fact that watching paint dry is the most boring thing imaginable, because it takes hours and hours for paint to dry, and you can’t actually see anything happening, so all you are really doing is spending hours and hours sitting, staring at a painted wall. But, still, Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany would have preferred that to spending hours and hours listening to the creepy scientist explain DNA.
And if I were to write down everything that the creepy scientist said you’d soon put this book down and go look for that painted wall to sit in front of.
So I’ll just cut to the chase, which is another expression. It means get to the point, and get to the point is another expression which means hurry up and get on with the story, which is what I bet you want me to do, so I will.
*
‘So,’ Cymphany said, relieved that the creepy scientist had finally finished explaining DNA. ‘Now that you’ve spent three hours telling us all about DNA, can you tell us what a weird gene is, which was our original question?’
The creepy scientist smiled. ‘Well, a few years ago the government put together a list of one thousand normal genes. For instance, people who have a gene that says they are going to have blond hair, that’s a normal gene, a gene that says you are going to be short-sighted, or one hundred and eighty centimetres tall, or have green eyes—all normal genes. And then the government put together a list of one thousand weird genes. For instance, if you have a gene which says you are going to have X-ray vision, or be one thousand four hundred and nineteen centimetres tall, or have checked pink and yellow skin—those genes were all declared weird genes.’