by Jennie Lucas
After a little silence she looked up at him with those big brown eyes of hers. ‘I wish I could be sure people liked me for me. How can I know if they like me because of who I am as a person? I don’t even know if my mother loves me or simply sees me as a meal ticket.’
He reached forwards to brush the flour off her cheek with the end of his index finger. ‘Sorting out the friends from the hangers-on is always a challenge, even for a person without wealth. You just have to trust your gut feeling, I suppose.’
Her shoulders went down as she sighed again. ‘I think what you said before was right: I want to be loved so much that it clouds my judgement.’
‘It’s not wrong to want to be loved,’ he said. ‘We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t.’
She looked up at him again, her eyes soft and luminous. ‘Do you want to be loved?’
Edoardo gave an off-hand shrug. Loving was something he didn’t do any more. He suspected he had forgotten how. He certainly wasn’t booking in any time soon for a refresher course either. ‘I can take it or leave it.’
A little frown creased her forehead. ‘You can’t really mean that,’ she said. ‘You just don’t want to be let down again or abandoned.’
He curled his lip, threatened by how close to the truth she was. He refused to let anyone close to him. Godfrey had been an exception, but it had taken years, and even then he hadn’t told him everything about his past. ‘Got me all figured out, have you, Bella?’
‘I think you push people away because you’re frightened of becoming too attached,’ she said. ‘You like to be in total control of your life. If you had feelings for someone else, they could take advantage of you. They could leave you just like your parents did.’
Edoardo felt a ridge of steel ripple through his jaw until his teeth were locked so tightly together he wondered if he’d be left with nothing but powder.
He thought of the first home he had been sent to after the authorities had stepped in when he’d been ten years old. He had already had five years of his stepfather’s capricious and cruel treatment. Five years of living in dread, quaking with fear night and day in case things turned nasty.
The hands that had fed and clothed him, and at times even been kind to him, could turn within a blink of an eye into vicious weapons. It didn’t matter how well-
behaved he was. Sometimes the anticipation of the brutality was so torturous he would deliberately play up just to get it over with. But even then he could never prepare himself. He’d had no way of knowing when his stepfather would strike. His body had run solely on adrenalin. The ‘flight or fight’ mode had been jammed on.
He hadn’t stood a hope of settling in anywhere.
Looking back now, he could see the foster parents he had been sent to had done their best. Some had been better than others; they had tried to offer him shelter and support but he had sabotaged their every attempt to get close to him. Then Godfrey Haverton had taken him in and, in his quiet and unobtrusive way, shown him that it was up to him to make something of his life. Under Godfrey’s steady but sure tutelage, he had learned how to become a man, a man with self-control and self-respect—a man who was the agent of his own destiny, not at the mercy of others.
But he wasn’t going to parade his past to Bella, of all people. He had locked it away and it was staying there.
‘You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about,’ he said.
‘I think I do,’ she said in a quiet and assured voice that was far more threatening than if she had shouted the words at him. ‘I think you want what everyone else wants. But deep down you feel you don’t deserve it.’
He gave her a mocking look. ‘Did you read that in a self-help book, or is it something you just made up on the spot?’
She drew in a breath and slowly released it. ‘I didn’t read it anywhere,’ she said. ‘I just sense it—the same way my father sensed it. I think he understood you from the word go. He didn’t push you or force affection on you. He waited for you to come to him when you trusted him enough to do so.’
Edoardo gave a disparaging laugh but the sound grated even on his own ears. ‘You’re making me sound like an ill-treated dog,’ he said.
Her eyes meshed with his, soft and yet all-seeing—knowing.
The silence stretched and stretched.
He felt every beat of it like a hammer blow inside his head.
‘What happened to you, Edoardo?’ she asked.
The memories tapped him on the shoulder with their long, craggy fingers: Come here, they taunted. Remember the time he hit you with the belt until you were bleeding? Remember the icy-cold showers? Remember the gnawing hunger? Remember the raging thirst?
He pushed them away but one more crept up behind him and caught him off-guard.
Remember the cigarettes?
‘Stop it, Bella,’ he said tightly. ‘I have no interest in dredging up stuff I’ve forgotten long ago.’
‘You haven’t forgotten it, though, have you?’ she asked.
He clenched and unclenched his fists, his stomach feeling as though a crosscut saw was working its way through it. He felt the pain in his back. It had happened so long ago but he could still remember the searing pain and the helplessness. Oh, dear Lord, how he had hated the helplessness. Sweat broke out on his upper lip. He could feel it beading between his shoulder blades as well. His head throbbed with the memories, all of them jostling for their starring moment centre-stage.
‘Edoardo?’ Bella’s hand touched him on the arm. ‘Are you all right?’
Edoardo looked down at her. She was standing so close he could smell her shampoo as well as her perfume. Her eyes were full of concern, her soft mouth slightly open. He could hear her breath going in and out in soft little gusts.
His mobile phone pinged with the sound of an in-coming text, and the memories scuttled back to the shadows like sly, secretive rats running from the light of an opened door.
He let out a slowly measured breath. ‘I know you mean well, Bella, but there are some things that are just best forgotten,’ he said. ‘My childhood is one of them.’
She stepped back from him, her hand falling back by her side. ‘If ever you want to talk about it...’
‘Thanks, but no,’ he said and, briefly checking his phone, added, ‘Look, I won’t be in for dinner after all.’
Her expression clouded. ‘You’re going out in this weather?’
‘Rebecca Gladstone needs a hand with something,’ he said. ‘I’m not sure how long I’ll be.’
She screwed up her mouth, her eyes losing their softness to become glittery and diamond-hard. ‘What does she need a hand with?’ she asked. ‘Turning back the sheets on her bed?’
‘Green doesn’t suit you, Bella.’
Her brows jammed together. ‘I’m not jealous,’ she said. ‘I just think it’s disgusting to lead someone on when you have no intention of taking their feelings seriously.’
‘You’re a fine one to talk,’ he said.
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘While your intended fiancé is out of sight, you’ve been up to all sorts of mischief, haven’t you?’
She coloured up and glowered at him at the same time. ‘At least I’m not messing with your feelings,’ she said. ‘You don’t have any, or at least certainly not for me.’
‘Does that annoy you, Bella?’ he asked. ‘That I haven’t prostrated myself before you like all your other suitors, declaring my undying love for you at every available opportunity?’
She gave him a flinty look. ‘I wouldn’t believe you if you did.’
Edoardo gave a little rumble of laughter. ‘No, you wouldn’t, would you? You know me too well for that. I might want you like the very devil, but I don’t love you. That stings a bit, doesn’t it?’
‘It doesn’t bother me o
ne little bit,’ she said with a pert hitch of her chin. ‘I have no feelings for you either.’
‘Other than lust.’
Her cheeks pooled with colour. ‘At least that is something I can control,’ she said.
‘Can you?’ he asked, taking her chin between his finger and thumb, holding her gaze steady. ‘Can you really?’
Her throat rose and fell, and her eyes flickered.
‘Why don’t you try me and see?’
He was sorely tempted. He felt the urge rising in him like a flash flood. Blood pumped and poured. His need for her was a hungry beast inside him, rampaging through his body until he was almost shaking with it.
But instead he dropped his hand from her face and stepped away. ‘Maybe some other time,’ he said.
For a nanosecond he thought her expression showed disappointment, but she quickly masked it. ‘There’s not going to be another time,’ she said. ‘As soon as this snow melts, I’m out of here.’
‘What if it doesn’t melt for another week?’ he asked as he shouldered open the door.
She set her mouth grimly. ‘Then I’ll go out there with a hair dryer and melt it myself.’
* * *
Bella slept fitfully until about two in the morning. She got up and looked out of the window. The snow was still falling but not as heavily now. It looked like a winter fairyland outside. It was a scene she was going to miss dreadfully when she left Haverton Manor for the final time. She tried to imagine how it would be once the guardianship period was over. There would be no reason to see Edoardo again. No more twice-yearly meetings. No more monthly phone calls, texts or emails. He would go his way and she would go hers.
They would never have to see or speak to each other ever again.
She turned from the window with a frown. She had to stop thinking about him. She had to stop wondering why he was the enigma he was. What had put that hard cynicism in his eyes? What had made him so self-
sufficient that nothing or no one touched his heart?
She couldn’t stop thinking of him as a little five-year-old orphan. Who had looked after him? Comforted him? Who had nurtured him? Who had loved him? Had anyone?
For all these years she had thought of him as a rebel who didn’t fit in anywhere, who didn’t want to fit in anywhere. But what if his childhood had made him that way? What would it take to unlock the guard he had on his heart?
Would he ever come to a point in his life where possessions and financial security were no longer enough? Would he crave the connection he had been pushing away for most of his life?
Bella went downstairs in search of a hot drink and was waiting for the milk to heat in the microwave when Edoardo came in. He was still dressed in the clothes he’d had on earlier and there were snowflakes in his hair.
‘Waiting up for me, Bella?’ he asked as he shrugged off his coat.
She gave him a scornful look. ‘You must be joking.’
‘Rebecca sends her regards,’ he said and dusted the snow out of his hair with one hand.
Bella glared at him. ‘You talked about me while you were...in bed together?’
‘We weren’t anywhere near a bed.’
‘Please spare me the lurid details,’ she said with a roll of her eyes.
‘I was helping her with a horse that had injured itself on a neighbouring property,’ he said. ‘Do you remember the Atkinsons’ place? The new owner has thoroughbreds. One of the brood mares cut her foreleg on some wire. Rebecca needed an extra pair of hands.’
‘Oh...’ She chewed at her lip for a moment.
‘Rob Handley is the new owner,’ he said. ‘He’s a bit shy but he’s fine once you get to know him.’
Bella frowned at him. ‘Why are you telling me this?’
He gave a shrug. ‘Just thought you might like to let Rebecca know some time if you’re talking to her. Rob got off to a bad start with her. She thinks he’s arrogant. It’s a shame, because he really likes her. They’d make a great couple.’
Bella cocked her head at him. ‘Don’t tell me you’re a romantic at heart?’
‘Not at all,’ he said. ‘A blind man could see those two belong together. They just need a little nudge in the right direction. You want to make me one of those?’ He indicated the hot chocolate she had on the counter.
Bella made the drink and handed it to him. Her fingers touched his and a shockwave of heat ran up her arm. She quickly put her hand back down by her side. ‘While we’re on the subject of perfect couples, I’d like to firm up some plans for my wedding,’ she said.
His eyes collided with hers. ‘No.’
Her brows snapped together. ‘Will you at least listen to me?’
‘You’re making a big mistake, Bella,’ he said. ‘Can’t you see how foolish this is? Look at what’s been going on between us. How can you think you’ll be happy settling down with a man who you can go for weeks or months without making love to you?’
Bella glared at him. ‘Not every man is a slave to his desires,’ she said. ‘Some men have self-control.’
‘Yeah, well, let’s see how much self-control he has after a year,’ he said.
‘I’m not waiting a year,’ she said. ‘I told you. I want to get married in June.’
‘What is a year in terms of your whole life?’ he said. ‘Rushing into marriage can be disastrous for women, even in this enlightened day and age.’
‘I’ll sign a pre-nuptial agreement if that will ease your concern,’ she said. ‘I’m sure Julian won’t mind. In fact he’ll probably insist on it.’
‘It’s not just about the money,’ he said. ‘I don’t believe you’re in love with this guy. How can you be? Look at how you respond to me.’
Bella glared at him. ‘That’s your fault.’
‘How is it my fault?’
‘Because you’ve done nothing but try it on with me from the moment I arrived,’ she said. ‘You haven’t touched me in years, not since that night when I was sixteen. Why now? Why now when I’m about to marry someone else?’
His jaw clenched tight as he put his mug down on the counter. ‘You think I haven’t wanted to touch you over the years?’ he said. ‘God damn it, Bella, are you blind? Of course I wanted to touch you. You were too young back then and you were half-tanked with alcohol. By the time I felt you were old enough, your father got sick. And then he died, and when he made me your guardian, that complicated things.’ He raked a hand through his hair. ‘If I’d known what your father had planned, I would’ve tried to talk him out of it.’
Bella frowned at him. ‘I thought you cooked this up with him,’ she said. ‘Did you really know nothing about it?’
He sucked in a breath and released it audibly. ‘I knew he was worried about how you would manage your wealth,’ he said. ‘He felt you would be easy pickings for someone who was after your money. He knew you had a soft heart.’
‘I didn’t show much of that soft heart when he needed it, did I?’ she asked sadly.
He tipped up her chin and met her eyes. ‘It wasn’t all your fault, Bella,’ he said. ‘Your father could be very stubborn when he wanted to be. He pushed you away just as much as you pushed him away.’
‘Like you do?’
He dropped his hand from her face. ‘I’m nothing like your father.’
‘Yes you are,’ Bella said. ‘That’s why you got on so well. You were kindred spirits. He saw himself in you. I’ve never realised it until now. He had a rough start in life, too. His mother died when he was young; I think he was only about six or seven. He was sent to live with distant relatives because his father had to go away for work. He didn’t like talking about it. It was like a wound he didn’t want anyone else to see.’
‘You’ve really missed your calling, haven’t you?’ he said with a sneer of a smile. ‘Just think, if
you hadn’t made a career out of doing lunch and shopping, you could’ve have been a psychologist.’
‘Go on,’ Bella said, glaring at him in irritation. ‘Mock me. Make fun of me. That’s what you’ve made a career out of, isn’t it?’
He came up close and grabbed her chin between his finger and thumb. ‘Let’s see how good your psychologist’s skills are, shall we?’ he said. ‘Why do you think you’re rushing off to marry a man you barely know?’
Bella stared him down. ‘I love him, that’s why.’
‘You’re panicking, that’s why,’ he said. ‘You’ve only got a year until a truckload of money lands in your lap. You’re not sure how you’re going to handle it, are you? You’re worried that it will be too much to deal with on your own so you’ve latched on to the first reliable, steady person you think will be able to help you.’
‘That’s not true,’ she said. ‘I want to settle down and have a family. I don’t want to be on my own any more. I want to belong to someone.’
He pulled her up against him. ‘You’re frightened of the passion that’s burning inside you,’ he said. ‘You’re worried you’re going to end up like your mother, flitting from shallow affair to shallow affair.’
Bella strained against his iron-strong hold. ‘I’m nothing like my mother,’ she protested. ‘I’m not going to marry for lust. Lust doesn’t come into it at all.’
‘No, well, it can’t, can it?’ he said. ‘Not when your lust is directed elsewhere.’
Bella felt the hot probe of his erection. She felt the need rising up in her like a giant, swamping wave. It overpowered her defences. How could she resist him when her body was programmed to respond to him and only him? ‘I don’t want to want you,’ she said.
He fisted a hand in her hair, his mouth so close she could feel his breath on her lips. ‘Do you think I want to want you?’ he asked. ‘I’ve fought it for as long as I can remember.’
It thrilled Bella to hear his gruff confession. For so long she had thought he felt nothing for her. His indifference had annoyed her so intensely, but all that time he had been fighting his attraction.