It was too much and not enough at the same time.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and when he slid his arms down and cupped my ass in his hands, lifting me and holding me to the wall, I wrapped my legs around his waist.
The hard bulge in his jeans rubbed against me and everything inside me clenched painfully. I tore my lips from his, panting into the heated hair between us.
He pulled back enough to see my face, our lips still only inches apart. Our gazes crashed together, locking, searching, decoding.
“Nate—” I started, my voice rough and shaky. We shouldn’t do this. Everything was so fucked up between us. He was scared. And I wasn’t enough. And he was lying to me. I tried to wiggle away, but he was too strong.
“I just want to be inside you again,” he whispered. “I need you. Please, baby.”
I pushed him away. This time, he let me go.
My feet hit the floor and he stepped back, running a shaky hand through his dark hair. My heart pounded, my legs shook. Part of me was so amped up with desire that I had to physically hold myself back from leaping back into his arms and demanding he take me to bed.
But my mind was spinning too fast. My broken heart still ached, throbbing painfully in my chest.
He wanted me this way but…what about the way I wanted him? I wanted him to be my forever.
Not enough.
I swallowed against the lump in my throat. Before he could say anything or touch me again, I fled, shutting myself in my bedroom and locking the door. I wanted to scream and curse and break stuff.
Instead I collapsed on my bed and cried myself to sleep. Two words repeated over and over in my mind.
Not enough.
Chapter 12
Good Lord calls everybody home. Cowgirl don't cry.
~Brooks and Dunn
And then everything changed.
It was a Tuesday night, after midnight when my phone rang. I didn’t know why, but my heart dropped to my freaking toes in that moment. Like I just knew something horrible had happened.
“Ashley,” my aunt said on the other line. “It’s your dad…he’s been in an accident.”
My whole world stopped and narrowed. I started shaking.
“I need you to come to the hospital. Do you need me to send someone to come get you?”
I shook my head and then, remembering she couldn’t see me, I whispered, “No, I’ll be there.”
My tongue felt thick and fat, my throat swollen with unshed tears and dread swirled violently in my gut.
Everything was such a blur after that. I vividly remember the stark white walls of the hospital. That cloying smell of disinfectant and something else that filled up the hallways.
And him. I held his hand firmly in mine and watched as he took his last breaths. As his heart stopped.
The next few days were sketchy. I couldn’t cry much. I wasn’t sure why. I felt like a zombie, or like I was in some messed up dream that I couldn’t wake up from, watching everything from a far.
Katie was there making sure I ate. And my mom and my aunt. My Aunt Caroline, my dad’s sister took care of everything. All I had to do was show up to the memorial service on Friday.
It was heartbreaking and sad. Devastating. I kept waking up every morning, panic clawing at my throat as I remembered my dad was gone. Still my eyes stayed dry.
One Saturday night, almost two weeks later, I was lying in bed, clutching my pillow to my chest and staring blankly at the wall, when I felt the mattress dip.
Warm familiar arms encircled me, pulling me against a hard chest. I froze. I desperately wanted to push him away. To tell him to leave me alone. I was already so broken, and me and him—God, we were just as broken. I couldn’t deal with that right now.
Instead, a choked sob caught in my throat and my vision blurred as tears filled my eyes, fell down my cheeks and soaked my sheets, releasing my heartache and grief into the quiet of my bedroom. Into the strength of his arms.
Nathan held me tighter, pressed his cheek against my head and brushed his lips against my ear.
“Shhh,” he cooed softly. “Let it out, Ash. I’ve got you.”
His voice was soft and deep. I cried harder. I cried until I was so exhausted, until my voice was scratchy, and my throat burned. Until my eyes drooped and I fell asleep. In Nathan’s arms.
~000~
The next morning when I woke up, he was gone. I rolled over and stretched out on my bed, feeling slightly better. My heart still hurt and I didn’t think this sadness and anger and grief would just vanish, but crying last night and having Nate hold me helped.
A little. My chest still ached. I sighed and forced myself up when I heard my stomach grumble. I was hungry. Good. That’s a good sign. I’m still alive. Not dying.
My heart constricted at that thought. My dad was dead. But I wasn’t. I knew I couldn’t wallow in my grief forever. I knew I needed to at least go to class and try to rejoin the living.
I glanced at my messy desk and noticed a half empty pack of cigarettes laying there. I hadn’t even smoked one in weeks, but I had a sudden intense craving for the solace it offered.
After grabbing my pack and a lighter, I made my way out to the balcony and lit up. I took a deep lungful of smoke and slowly exhaled. A dizzying rush of nicotine flowed through my system, taking the edge off the ugly emotions inside me.
I was on my second cigarette when Katie stepped outside.
“Hey,” she said, sitting next to me in one of the plastic chairs. I tried to force a smile but it didn’t feel right on my face. Katie gave me a sad smile and stole a cigarette from my pack, lighting up and letting the smoke curl around her. “So, did Nate already leave?”
I coughed hard. I’d almost forgotten for a moment about Nathan. Everything inside me seized up for a minute. I took two long puffs of my cigarette before I could answer. “Yes. Did you…why did he—”
I couldn’t even finish a damn sentence.
“Drew told me he’d been asking about you and how you were doing. I think he told him that maybe you might need him. They got into a fight about it like a week ago,” she paused and took another drag. “But then, last night he just showed up. I wasn’t sure if I should let him in or not...”
She trailed off, searching my face to see if I was angry. I wasn’t angry with her. I didn’t know what I was. I was a mixed up ball of emotions. And too tired and broken to even try to make sense or analyze Nathan or my relationship with him.
Instead, I closed my eyes, and let myself to think about his strong arms and his deep tender voice, his lips on my skin.
I shivered, as I remembered being with him. The feel of his stubble on my sensitive skin, his rough calloused hands on my hips as he thrust—
I swallowed hard and opened my eyes, trying to blink away my sudden and inappropriate fantasy.
“It’s fine,” I told her, stubbing out my cigarette in the small glass ashtray. I sighed. I’d always been able to talk to Katie about anything. And I needed to do that now. To talk. To let some of this out. “It was nice, actually. I finally cried.”
Katie reached over and squeezed my fingers. “I’m glad. It’s good to let it out. I know this is tough for you. Are you going to go to class this week?”
Her question was soft, tentative, but not judgmental. I knew Katie wouldn’t let me stop living, eventually she’d kick my ass into gear, but for now, she understood. “I don’t know,” I replied honestly. “Maybe.”
~000~
A couple of nights later, I was sitting on my bed crisscross, a notebook with scrawled poems and lyrics laid in front of me as I fingered my guitar.
I remembered vividly the day my dad had given it to me. My mom had wanted me to take piano, but I had begged for a guitar. Something about it called to me even as a twelve year old girl.
I closed my eyes, remembering his face and the way the skin crinkled around his eyes when he smiled.
I hadn’t attempted to play in months. Maybe longer. But something
about writing out my pain and trying to put it to music was soothing. Just the physical act as I struggled to remember the chords, as my fingers slipped over the strings and became sore and bruised was a distraction.
It reminded me that I was still alive.
And wouldn’t that be what my dad wanted? To not stop living. To remember I was still alive.
With my eyes still closed, thoughts of Nathan suddenly popped into my mind. And how alive his kiss, his touch, and how being totally and completely wanted by him had made me feel.
I strummed the strings and adjusted my left hand on the neck. I thought about what Katie said. About him and Drew fighting. What were they fighting about? Did Nate only show up out of some misplaced sense of obligation?
That thought made my stomach turn. God, I hope not.
A sudden intense pressure seized my chest, making it hard to breath. My gut clenched. I strummed hard, letting my emotions out in a flurry of sound. I missed Nathan. In that moment I wanted nothing more than to see him. To kiss him. To lose myself in his arms, in his eyes, in him.
My fingers slipped and I stopped playing, covering my face, I began to cry into my hands. When I opened my eyes and looked up, he was there.
Nathan looked different. And the same. It was weird. His dark hair was slightly longer, curling around his ears. His eyes were different. I didn’t even know how to describe what I saw there.
Was it defeat or regret or pain swirling there?
Or indifference?
A choked sob worked its way up my throat, spilling out into a startled, mournful wail. Why was he here?
Nate crawled across my bed, moving my guitar aside and kneeled between my legs. He gently took my face in his hands. For a moment, I thought he was going to kiss me. His blue eyes darted to my lips as I licked them.
Despite all the grief and pain, my stomach flip flopped.
Instead, he pulled me to him, wrapping his arms around me and cradling my head against his chest. My legs automatically wound around his middle and my arms curled around his broad shoulders.
I clung to him, and cried. Hot ugly tears streamed down my cheeks, wetting the taut white t-shirt that stretched across his chest.
My tears began to slow and I readjusted myself onto his lap, pulling myself closer and wrapping my arms around his neck. His warm breath tickled my skin.
Everything changed. All the ragged, raw-edge emotions inside me exploded. Lust and desire flooded my system. A pulsing hum that started low in my gut and spread like wildfire through my limbs.
I needed him. In that moment, something carnal and primal and instinctual took over, erupting inside me like a volcano and whipping my thoughts and mind into a cloud of lust.
I turned my head and without hesitation pushed my lips to his neck. Once. Twice. Nathan froze. But nothing could stop me. I needed him. I craved this form of comfort. Desperate for this connection, I slid my tongue up the side of his neck, tasting his salty skin and inhaling the spicy clean scent of his aftershave.
“Ashley,” he warned, but there wasn’t a lot of fight in his voice. It was low, full of gravel and restrained passion.
I smiled and kissed his ear, then his scruffy jaw. He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me back, holding me away from his body.
I looked up into his conflicted eyes. “Please? I need you.”
He furrowed his brow and I watched his Adam’s apple strain against the skin of his throat as he swallowed hard. His grip on my shoulders was weak. Taking advantage, I surged forward, pulling his bottom lip between mine and rocking my hips against his. The hard bulge in his jeans pressed firmly against me and he groaned.
“But, Ashley, we—”
I pressed my lips more firmly to his and rocked my hips again, finding a rhythm and silencing his half-hearted protest. I didn’t want to hear about how broken we were or how maybe this wasn’t right. Maybe it was entirely inappropriate. But I didn’t care. I needed him.
His mouth opened, one hand fisted in my hair, the other cupped my ass, holding me firmly against him.
His kiss had a hard frantic edge to it and I responded, ripping my shirt off over my head and then tugging on his until our naked chests were pressed against each other.
Nathan laid me back against the mattress and kissed a line down the side of my throat and in between my breast. His fingers glided over my skin until they found my pajama covered hips. He pulled the baggy fabric from my body. My panties soon followed.
He started to unbutton his jeans, but I pulled him to me, desperate for his lips to be on mine again. He was going too slow. I needed him. Now.
“Now,” I growled, giving voice to my thoughts. “I need you inside me. Right. Now.”
The urgency in my voice couldn’t have been any clearer if he’d been hit with a truck. Nathan pulled his jeans down to his knees. He lifted me up onto his lap and in the next instant he pushed inside my wet heat.
It was fast and furious, a blinding explosion of carnal lust and wicked desire. Want and need collided. I poured out my pain and he obliterated it. I fell apart in his arms, his name a soft prayer on my lips. I collapsed against his chest, sweaty and breathless.
I tried to pull away, but I couldn’t. My arms and legs were heavy, my eyelids like lead. I pushed my face into his neck and held on tight. After a few moments he pulled away. I clung to him as fresh panic welled in my chest.
“No. Don’t go,” I pleaded. I knew that we were still broken. This didn’t fix anything. I knew he was still scared. That we weren’t together. But I needed this closeness. This connection with him, to remind me I was still alive. “Stay.”
He pulled all the way away and I let him go, my arms fell limply by my sides. I fell back against my pillows and rolled onto my side as tears filled my eyes. A thick chain of disappointment wrapped around my heart.
I heard Nate get up and shuffle across the floor. The door closed and few minutes later reopened. My mattress dipped down and his arms came around me, pulling me against his naked chest.
My breath stuttered and wetness coated my lashes.
“Shhh,” he murmured, kissing my neck. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
Chapter 13
I woke up at two in the morning to the sound of rain beating against the window. I twisted my neck and looked over my shoulder at Nathan. He was asleep, all his frown lines completely smoothed out. No dimples either. I flipped around and his arm flexed against my bare waist.
I knew last night was a mistake. I was trying to bury my pain, trying to feel something other than the crushing grief by having sex with him.
And somehow, I knew what I was about to do now was wrong too.
But I couldn’t stop myself. My body was vibrating with want. With need. Longing for him welled up inside me, twisted my insides and strangled my heart.
For one moment, before I started anything I just stared at him, so peaceful in his sleep, and traced my finger over the strong lines of his face. Nathan was undeniably sexy. All hard lines and sharp angles. Muscle and testosterone.
And I wondered why we didn’t work out. Why I couldn’t get over him. Why sometimes—like right at that moment—it felt like I never would. That there would never be anyone else. But that there would never be an ‘us’ either.
Maybe he has a secret.
This tickle of déjà vu fluttered at the back of my mind. I’d briefly thought that maybe he was hiding something before. That something didn’t add up.
All his chasing after me and then leaving me so quick after we had sex. And then the excuses. The night he was screwing that blonde chick in the bathroom flashed through my mind.
And then the locker room and the night when he showed up here spouting a bunch of pretty words and kissing me breathless.
And now, here he was, comforting me, taking care of me.
I didn’t get it. Nothing made any sense with him. He kept pushing me away and then kept pulling me back in. When I woke up in the morning would he be gone again?
/> My insides suddenly constricted.
In some fucked up way, I couldn’t let him leave without being with him again. It was like, I never got to tell my dad goodbye and now, I couldn’t not express how I felt to Nathan. Just in case he never came back.
Even if I couldn’t completely open my heart to him again. Because he’d hurt me. Rejected me. And because I was suddenly clear that there was something he was hiding from me. There was a secret there, but I was too broken and messed up right now to dig for it.
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