A familiar feeling settled onto his shoulders as he kicked off his shoes in the living room in the house. It took him a few seconds to realize what it was. He was used to the house being a safe place, and the outside world being a threat. This was the first time in days that he’d been active without the hobble of his anxiety. It felt good, but also scary, in a way.
Part of him wanted to go upstairs, turn on his computer, and boot up Valenfall. It was a larger part of him then he could admit without feeling a little ashamed, and Ben stood at the foot of the stairs for a few seconds, motionless.
“Hey.” His mom came up behind him and set her hands on his shoulders, gently massaging and standing close enough for the tips of her breasts to press into his back. “You seem a little tense.”
Ben took a deep breath and slowly turned around. He met his mom’s eye, and then leaned forward and kissed her softly on the cheek. She smiled and let out a self-satisfied squeal.
“Thanks mom,” he said. “That was a huge help.”
“You don’t have to tell me,” she said. “It’s been days since I’ve seen you like this, Ben.”
She cupped his cheek and slowly rubbed her fingers down to the crease of his neck.
“And I don’t want to see you regress into holing up in your room,” she said. “Not now.”
“I won’t.” Ben felt his fingers tightening on the script in his hand. “In fact, I think I’m going to practice my lines in the kitchen.”
“Do you even know what part you’re auditioning for yet?”
“I don’t even know the name of the play,” said Ben. “Luciana was too busy getting under your skin to give me any details.”
His mother did a mocking imitation of a scowl and started walking toward the stove.
“Well, I don’t mind,” she said. “And there is one other thing I think we should talk about.”
“Anything.”
Alexa nodded slowly. She looked away from him and began pulling the materials for sandwiches out of the fridge. Ben got the distinct feeling that she was taking her time, and choosing her words carefully.
“Your treatment earlier today,” she said. “I was torn about it when Dr. Kim told me but…”
Ben cringed. He hadn’t forgotten about it, but the excitement of meeting Luciana and thinking about the play had pushed the experience into the back of his mind. What he did know was that talking to his mom about it was the last thing he was interested in doing, at least at that moment.
“Ben,” she said. “I can see the difference in you. It’s turned you into your old self, your old self in your new, fully grown body. It’s helped you, honey.”
Ben tapped on the table, feeling a bit of anxiety that had nothing to do with his depression.
“I think it has, too,” he said, in a quiet voice. “I really do.”
“You’re on the verge of turning over a new leaf,” said Alexa. “And more importantly, keeping it turned over.”
“So you think we should make another appointment?” he asked.
“Well…” Alexa hesitated, holding a head of lettuce in one hand and a jar of mayonnaise in the other. “That’s part of what I discussed with Dr. Kim.”
Ben watched her for a second, waiting for her to continue. When it became clear that she needed at least a second or two to gather the words for what she had to say next, he looked down at the script. The play was affectionately titled “Romeo Unchained (Working Title)”. He started to flip open to the first page when his mom sat down in the chair next to him.
“Sweetie,” she said. “Dr. Kim thinks that you’re going to need the, uh, the treatment, as a regular part of your life.”
She reached her hand out and set it on Ben’s thigh. His entire body stiffened to attention, and he was suddenly aware of his mom’s feminine presence.
“Yeah,” he said. “That’s what she said to me, too.”
“I think…” Alexa’s hand drifted further up along his thigh. “Well...”
She hesitated, and took a deep breath.
“I think you should keep your eyes open for any girls your age auditioning for the play tomorrow,” she said, after a moment’s thought. She also pulled her hand back, which sent a confusing surge of mixed emotions raging through Ben’s chest.
“To ask out, you mean?” he asked.
“Exactly!”
“And what if I can’t find anyone?”
His mother’s eyes met his for the briefest of moments. It was long enough to make the room feel like the backseat of a borrowed car.
“We’ll… cross that bridge when we come to it,” she said.
She stood up and cleared her throat, busying herself with the sandwiches. Ben closed his eyes for a second and then opened the script.
CHAPTER 8
Ben spent the most of the next day reading through the script and pondering which role, out of the various characters in the play, suited him best. Romeo Unchained was a reimagining of the classic Shakespeare story, set in the modern age and bearing only a slight resemblance to its renaissance counterpart.
Eventually, he ran out of energy and retired for the night. He fell into a deep, easy sleep without even trying, which he hadn’t done in longer than he could remember.
And yet still, when Ben woke up the next morning, he felt tired. Sitting up took far more energy than what he remembered. His mind was a foggy, jumbled haze.
He spent several long minutes staring at his TV. The idea of playing Valenfall had never appealed to him more than it did at that moment. The idea of going outside, on the other hand, was terrifying.
“Ben?” His mother’s soft voice called from the hall. “Are you up yet?”
“Uh, yeah,” he replied. “I am.”
“You should start getting ready. The auditions start in just over an hour.”
Ben closed his eyes and fell back flat on the bed. The idea of getting up on stage and even making an attempt at acting felt foreign and scary to him, as though someone else had committed him to the task.
He tried to push the thoughts out of his head and slowly began getting ready. He knew that there was no way he could back out of it, not after everything he’d gone through yesterday. Ben wanted to break out of the cycle he’d been stuck in, and the only way to do that was through decisive action.
He finished getting dressed and stepped out into the hallway, immediately realizing that decisive action was something that sounded a lot easier in his head than it felt in his body. The sun pouring in through the living room window was too bright. The noise of cheerful birds, early morning joggers, and cars rumbling by sounded out a chaotic chorus.
“Ben?” His mother was wearing a thin nightgown, and she frowned when she saw him. “Are you okay?”
She walked out of the kitchen and toward him, taking soft steps on bare feet. The nightgown was well worn and almost translucent from going through an uncountable number of wash cycles. Ben could see the outline of her breasts underneath it, and two tiny, peaked centers that could only have been one thing.
“I’m fine…” he managed to mumble. “Just tired.”
“Oh, sweetie.” Alexa reached her arms out and pulled her son into a soft hug. Ben felt his entire body reacting as he entered the embrace. She was soft, and her body was femininity distilled into perfection. He felt his entire nervous system responding, pleasure gushing through him, blood rushing to certain places in particular.
“Do you want to sit down, eat some breakfast before you leave?” she asked, her whispered words hot on his ear. “Maybe review your lines one more time, with me as your partner?”
Ben pulled back suddenly, feeling incredibly ashamed at the fact that he was on the verge of getting an erection from the mere closeness of his own mother. He blushed and shook his head.
“No!” he said, a bit too forcefully. “I mean, I should probably get moving.”
He started walking toward the door.
“Wait, don’t you want me to give you a ride?” asked his mom.
“I’ll walk,” said Ben. “The fresh air will do me good.”
He was halfway out the front door as he finished his sentence. Closing it behind him, Ben took a deep, calming breath and tried to push unwanted feelings out of his head. It was the morning and he was moody and overexcitable. That explained his reaction to waking up. It also explained his reaction to his mother a moment earlier.
What it didn’t explain was why the outside world continued to feel oppressive, even minutes into the walk. Ben’s heart pounded out a fight or flight response every time he passed someone by on the street. A man nodding and waving hello to him from his porch was almost enough to make him bolt into a sprint.
It was irrational, silly, and an overreaction, and Ben knew it in his heart. It didn’t change the fact that his body and mind continued to force it upon him. It was as though a presence traveled with him in the back of his head, pulling invisible emotional strings and triggering nervous reactions. It was as though he was suffering from an untreated condition, and the more Ben thought about it, the more he knew it to be true.
Reaching the Pinecross Player’s theater was the worst, by far. Other actors were milling around outside the building, chatting with each other and waiting for Luciana to arrive. Ben couldn’t bring himself to head over and join them. Instead, he walked passed the building, and then over the course of ten minutes or so, looped back around. Everyone had gone in by then, and after taking a breath of air that did nothing, he forced his legs forward.
I just need to relax, he thought. Once I get on stage, everything will be golden, he told himself. Ben was auditioning for a general male role. That meant that he’d be reading lines for whichever part Luciana wanted him for. He still held the script she’d given them in his hand, and as he took a seat in the back of the darkened auditorium, he flipped through it anxiously.
Almost immediately, a hand settled down on his shoulder. Ben almost jumped out of his seat.
“Oh, sorry,” said Luciana. “Must have snuck up on you.”
She smiled at him and then leaned over, bringing her face in close with his.
“I already spoke to most of the other people auditioning,” she said. “Would you like to go early, or near the end?”
“I, uh, well…” Ben felt like a stammering fool. Luciana smiled knowingly and clapped him on the shoulder again.
“I’ll bring you up as soon as I’m done with the people onstage now,” she said. “Audition jitters are the worst.”
She disappeared down the unlit aisle and Ben took several more slow, deep, utterly ineffective breaths. He closed the script and spent a minute thinking about the play, and about which role would be best suited for him.
Romeo Unchained was the story of Romeo Montague, an A-list actor living in modern day Los Angelos that falls in love with Juliet Capulet, a gorgeous an incredibly expensive escort. Together with his friends, Romeo spends most of the play working to track her down and contrive situations for them to be together. As in the original, after murdering a brothel bouncer and an overly ambitious paparazzi, Romeo and Juliet are both gunned down in a shootout with the police.
“Ben?” called Luciana. “Ben Murdock, we’re ready for you on stage.”
Ben stood up abruptly. He slowly began walking down the aisle, each step feeling as though it was taking him toward his funeral, rather than something he wanted. He walked around through the side hallway that led up to the stage and then walked out onto it, staring into the stage lights like a doe in front of a speeding car in the dead of night.
“Do you have a role in mind for yourself, Ben?” asked Luciana.
“Uh…” His mind was completely blank, and he did his best to cover it by shaking his head vigorously.
“Alright, that’s fine,” said Luciana. “Let’s try you out as Emanuel, the man that brings Juliet back to the brothel after her illicit rendezvous with Romeo.”
Ben nodded slowly. He still had the script in his hands. It was fine for him to read from it, but he couldn’t remember what page the scene was on. Moreover, he could hardly breathe.
A girl walked out on stage, smiling. She was around the same age as he was, with fiery red hair, a lovely face, and freckles. Ben opened his mouth to say hi to her, but nothing came out.
“Ben?” asked Luciana. “Are you okay?”
“Your face…” said Ben. “I’ve seen you before.”
It was one of Romeo’s lines, rather than the one he was supposed to be speaking. The girl let out a giggle and stepped in closer to him.
“I think what you meant to say was, ‘what the fuck are you doing here’?” She batted her eyes at him.
“Er… yeah,” he said. The girl frowned at him and glanced out into the darkness of the audience, out at Luciana. After a second, she turned back to Ben.
“This isn’t the life I want to live anymore!” shouted the girl, the line acted out with the perfect amount of conviction. “I am my own person, and I refuse to be bought and sold.”
Ben stared at her. He couldn’t remember the line, and knew that no amount of thinking would bring it to his mouth. Opening the script and searching through it was his only option.
He pulled at the first page a little too vigorously and felt a huge tear rip into it. The girl across from him was trying not to laugh. Ben cringed inwardly, feeling his anxiety and racing heart crippling him as if someone had cut out his tongue. He fumbled through the pages, blushing furiously.
“Uh… uh…” He stopped at a page, hoping it was the right one. “That’s not for you to decide!”
The girl sighed.
“That’s not the right line,” she said. “I’m sorry Luciana, I can’t even work around that one.”
“Take a break, Ally,” called Luciana. “You too, Ben. Actually, come talk to me for a second.”
Ben walked through the door in the stage’s wing that led down to the auditorium. His legs carried him up the aisle, faster and faster. He didn’t stop as he passed by the seat Luciana was sitting in.
“Ben,” she said. “Over here!”
He didn’t turn around. He couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t do anything except get himself out of there. And that was exactly what he did.
CHAPTER 9
Ben walked around aimlessly for a while, feeling completely drained of emotion. He recognized the feeling of emptiness, like an open drain, sucking out his vital essence. The last time he had felt it was after getting the rejection letter from Lakewater University.
He knew he was being ridiculous. He told himself that it was teenage angst, pointless mood swings and anxiety, and that all he needed to do was buckle down and push through it. Unfortunately, his mind seemed to be on a different wavelength and delighted using the botched audition as the newest example of why he was irredeemably flawed in every way.
The scene replayed itself over and over again, each time a bit distorted. People in the audience laughed at him. The girl he was acting across from made rude gestures and whispered cruel things that only he could here. Luciana led through the chaos, mocking Ben as though the entire play had been a ruse to lure him into making a fool of himself.
Ben walked around Pinecross, continuing to suffer in a mental hell of his own making until it was late in the afternoon. He made it home when his legs were too exhausted to carry him any further, and immediately kicked off his shoes and headed for the stairs.
“Ben?” His mom was sitting on the couch in the living room, reading a novel. “How did it go?”
He didn’t answer her, instead walking straight up to his room. He closed the door and turned on his computer, booting up Valenfall and setting up his cushions on the floor with movements born out of a long practiced routine.
“Ben!” Alexa knocked on the door and kept knocking. Ben ignored her, until finally she gave up. He loaded his save and began to play.
Time lost all meaning. The game was a distraction, but an effective one. It let Ben zone out and keep his focus away from the pai
nful memory of his failure. He wasn’t sure how much time had gone by when his mother finally threw the door of his room open.
“Come downstairs, Ben,” she said, in a firm, authoritative voice. “I’m not letting you fall back into your old habits.”
“Mom, it’s fine,” he said. “Just leave me be.”
“Dr. Kim is here,” she said. “I called her, and she offered to stop by once she finished for the day at her office.”
Ben stared at his mom blankly. It was clear enough that there wasn’t going to be any way for him to get out of it. He paused the game and stood up.
“Turn it off,” said Alexa.
“It’s paused, it’s fine.”
“Turn. The game. Off.” His mother took a few steps toward him. She was wearing a pair of tiny jean shorts and a sleeveless white shirt, but managed to still look as though she meant business.
Ben sighed. He leaned over, quickly saved, and then turned off the game. His mother led him down into the living room, and sure enough, Dr. Kim was down there waiting for him, dressed in her casual business pencil skirt and tan blouse.
“Hello, Ben,” she said. “Your mom told me that you’ve been having some trouble today.”
Ben shrugged. He met her gaze and felt a spark of something, possibly leftover tension from the day before.
“She says that you were excited about this play,” said Dr. Kim, choosing her words carefully. “But then the audition didn’t go quite as planned?”
Ben opened his mouth. His throat felt tight, and there was a painful lump on the edge of it.
“Look, Ben, I can’t stay for very long.” She stood up from where she sat on the couch and walked over to him. “You were doing better yesterday. I want to help you, but I need to know where you’re mind’s at.”
“So do I,” said Ben, softly. “It doesn’t make sense to me. I felt so confident, and so ready to face the world. And then I woke up this morning and everything just… crumbled.”
Natural Hormone Therapy (Taboo Erotica) (NHT Book 1) Page 4