Searching for Beautiful

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Searching for Beautiful Page 11

by Jennifer Probst


  Gen let herself go, crying and shaking as they moved her to the couch. Kate held her tight, Arilyn patted her knee and whispered soothing words, and Kennedy crashed around the kitchen, cursing like a banshee.

  "Asshole prickface! Putting on some type of wimpy show for the reporters to look good! I knew something was up, Gen. I never trusted him. Anyone with teeth that white is trouble." The bang of a kettle and the rushing of water echoed in the air. "Jumping out the church window was the best damn move you've ever made."

  Gen dragged in a tearful breath. "But I left him at the altar. He loved me, and I'm so messed up, I panicked and now everybody hates me and I don't know what's going to happen next."

  Kate gripped her shoulders. Her voice was strong and calmed the rising panic. "Yes, you do. You just didn't want to face it. It's time to look at the truth, honey. You didn't want to marry David. I think you wanted to leave for a long time."

  "You've changed over the past six months," Arilyn said. "We all saw it but didn't know what to do. You avoided your friends, you looked stressed all the time, and you lost your joy."

  Kennedy slammed down a mug on the counter. "Bastard asshat. I had a feeling he was working you behind the scenes. Every time we had plans, you'd call with an excuse regarding David. You started to disappear. And you were so jumpy, I'm so pissed I didn't talk to you sooner. I should've known he was an abuser."

  The past year drifted before her, and the inner voice she kept tamped down rose to a shrill scream. Yes. Remember how he'd tell you what to wear. How to act. How to please him. Remember the cold look in his eye when he was displeased? The temper just barely kept under control if something didn't go his way?

  "He never hit me." Her voice came out weak. Gen realized it was her last defense. At night, when she thought of leaving, when she thought of how her life was so entangled with his, and her fear of him grew, she'd tell herself that. As if it was a prize. He never hit her. Wasn't that a good thing? Didn't that prove that she was crazy to believe he was slowly taking over her soul, piece by piece, until there was nothing left but a shell of who she used to be?

  Arilyn smiled. Her strawberry-red hair glowed around her face, giving her the look of an angel. "Of course he didn't. That would have given you a reason to leave. Rarely do abusers start with the physical. It's a slow build of control, a subtle shift of power as they isolate you from your support system, until there's no one left."

  The truth slammed through her. A gasp wrenched her lips. My God, how many times had she wished he would just hit her? Arilyn was right. She would've left without a glance back. Clean. Instead, he cloaked manipulation with love until she didn't know what was real anymore.

  Kennedy brought her the mug of tea. She clasped her fingers around the heat and took a sip of the scalding liquid. Blessed warmth coated her belly. "Did he make you nervous? Make you question your decisions? Check your phone and messages and all communications? If you did something wrong, did he have ways to punish you?"

  Kennedy knelt on the floor in front of her, gazing up at her with knowing amber eyes. Again, the flashbacks hit her like stinging pebbles. The time she'd burned dinner when his friend was over. He'd laughed and chided her gently at the time, but when they were alone, he refused to speak to her for two nights. She never screwed up cooking again.

  The time she refused him sex. His complete disappointment and subtle jibes about her selfishness, the flirting with other women at the hospital while he warned her not to push him into another's arms by denying his needs. She always said yes to sex after that.

  "Yes. He did. All of it. I don't know who I am anymore without him."

  Kate squeezed her shoulder. "You. But a different you. We're never the same after a relationship, or a tragedy. We're not supposed to be. You'll figure it out on your own terms."

  Disgust curdled her blood. Her entire life she'd been independent and strong. At least she thought so. "I never knew I could be this weak," she whispered. "I used to read these novels with some dumbass women who kept being abused by the hero and it was supposed to be okay because they had good sex. How did I get here? Why couldn't I just have said no, or leave before I made everything into a disaster? Am I that needy?"

  Kennedy snorted. "Hell, no. Listen, most of the books I read are romance, and they mostly show women saving the men's dumb asses and sell more copies. We're not perfect, sweetie. We do the best we can. You were strong enough to run before you got married. Strong enough to listen to your gut. Now you just have to move forward."

  The words reached deep and clicked into place. Yes. They were right. Punishing herself for mistakes wouldn't make them go away. But she'd have to retake charge of her life and figure out what she wanted. The real Genevieve. Not David's creation.

  "I love you guys." She sniffed. "Seriously."

  "We love you, too," Kate said, pulling her in for another hug. "I was so worried. I threatened Wolfe if he didn't take care of you, I'd kick his ass."

  Gen gave a half laugh and wiped her eyes. "No, he saved me. Gave me the time I need to realize how different I was away from David. We came back after we saw the headlines in the paper. Have reporters been bothering you?"

  Kate waved the question off. "We took care of them. Most of them are trying to find you in Nashville."

  "Huh?"

  "Kate led them on a false trail. Alexa backed us up. Said you had a dream to be a country star and you had texted us you were on the road toward Tennessee. They're probably still waiting for you to show up."

  A laugh escaped her lips. "Thanks. It'll buy me more time."

  "Where'd you and Wolfe stay?" Arilyn asked.

  "Sawyer has a cabin in Saratoga. It was good. I forgot what it felt like to have fun without worrying I'd do something wrong. He took me to the racetrack. I won a lot of money."

  Kennedy gave her a high five. "Nice. I think Wolfe's missed you."

  "Yeah, David gave me a hard time about our friendship. I realized I began avoiding him, so we talked a lot this weekend."

  Kennedy and Kate shared a look. "Just talked?" Ken asked.

  The memory of their kiss seared into her brain. The heat of his mouth, the softness of his lips, the decadence of his tongue. "Of course. I just ran away from my wedding. I'm not the type to jump into bed with my best friend. There's nothing like that between us."

  "So you've said for a long time," Kate commented.

  "Because it's the truth."

  Arilyn tapped her finger against her lips. "Hmm."

  "Guys! There is nothing going on with Wolfe and me. Never has. Never will. Got it?"

  The door opened. "I got breakfast, sweetheart. Time to get up. Oh. Shit."

  He stared at the group of females for a moment. Then shrugged and dropped the bags on the table. "Hello, ladies. Kate, I'm surprised you waited till morning. Figure you'd be guarding the door when we got here last night."

  Kate crossed her arms and glared. "You turned off your phone. I'm pissed you didn't give me full disclosure."

  Wolfe grinned and began unpacking. The scent of eggs and bacon drifted through the room. "You're scary when you're being protective. I took good care of her. Right, Gen?"

  When she woke in the middle of the night, her head rested on his chest and his thigh lay heavily over hers. His breathing and heartbeat soothed her. The delicious scent of washed cotton and male skin surrounded her. She knew she should untangle herself but he felt so good, so solid, she went right back to sleep.

  "Right."

  "You just come over now, Wolfe?" Kate asked.

  Uh-oh. "Umm, he--"

  "Nah, we slept together last night."

  Crap.

  Arilyn cocked her head. "Hmmm."

  Kennedy grinned. "About time. You know what I say about getting over a guy?"

  Wolfe rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I heard, get under another. You share that theory with Nate?"

  Kennedy flushed. "I plan on being under Nate for a damn long time."

  "Still no wedding date yet?"


  Her friend gave a long-suffering sigh. "Soon. Why mess with perfection? Now, stay out of my love life or I won't let him play with you on the golf course again."

  Wolfe laughed. "Trust me, Ken, you're the one whipped in this relationship."

  "Screw you."

  Gen burst out laughing. God, she'd missed this. Missed them. The back-and-forth banter, insults, and love shining underneath. How had she made it this long without her friends?

  Arilyn, always the peacemaker, spoke up. "What can we do to help? Are you talking to David today?"

  "I left him a message, he wouldn't pick up. I'm heading over to my mom's house to talk. I asked for everyone to be there. They deserve an explanation."

  "We'll go with you," Kate stated.

  "No. I think it's time I'm honest with them and myself about what type of relationship I was in. I need to do this on my own."

  Arilyn nodded. "We understand. Listen, we'll be at Kinnections all day. Why don't you come by and we'll have a girl's night? You can come to my place."

  Gen smiled. "Thanks, but I don't know if I'm up to it right now. I need some time to think. Deal with David. How about I let you know?"

  Kate looked worried, but finally agreed. Wolfe broke off pieces of the breakfast sandwiches and handed out coffee, and her friends finally left. Odd, she felt different already. As if a piece of her had flared to life, reminding her there were plenty of people who loved her for who she was and never asked for changes. Isn't that love, like Wolfe had said? Had David ever really loved her? Had she ever loved him?

  "What time are you heading out?"

  She shook off her thoughts and put the dishes in the sink. "Now."

  He washed his hands, dried them, and grabbed his keys. "I'll drive."

  Gen stared at him. "You don't have to come with me. It's my family. I'll be fine."

  "I know. I haven't seen your parents in a while, and I'd like to hang with you today."

  She narrowed her gaze. "You and my father don't get along. Izzy will probably be there. I don't need a babysitter."

  "I know. I'm still going."

  She glared at him. He stood in her kitchen, relaxed, the black ink of his tattoo crawling up his meaty shoulder and caressing his ear. The diamond in his ear gleamed, along with his eyebrow ring, and his hair was a delicious mess of dark curls. Gen knew he wasn't budging. She'd seen that look before, and it was all pretend casual. Inside, he was a rock, and if he wanted to go with her, he was going.

  She huffed out a breath. "Fine. Come on."

  When they pulled up to her mother's house, Gen was grateful for his presence. A mass of cars filled the driveway, and her stomach fluttered. Had she always been afraid of disappointing her family? Funny, they'd never pressured her with career, or their expectations of what type of person she should be. Had it all been her own aspirations and drive for success? Maybe it was time to be brave enough to admit her mistakes. That she didn't know all the answers, and maybe wasn't the person they always thought she was.

  "Ready?"

  He grabbed her hand.

  "Ready."

  They walked together up the steps to the big porch, where white wicker rocking chairs and tables spread out. Their family had called her home Tara because it was the core of who they were. She remembered when her father had abandoned them for the lure of the bottle, and how her mother struggled to keep the house on her meager salary. Remembered the endless crying at night from her mother's room, and the anger burning in Izzy directed at her father. Her brother, Lance, was in medical school at the time and had gotten his girlfriend pregnant. The house welcomed all of them in, along with the new baby, who became her first beloved niece. Lance married Gina and raised Taylor there for the first few years as he struggled through medical school.

  One day her father returned, sober, determined to get his family back. It was a long, hard road to forgiveness, but never forgetfulness. Eventually her mom took him back and they healed, but scars were left behind. She knew something had changed in Izzy during that time. Her twin had always been physically the same, but so very different under the surface. Where Gen longed to fit within the rules and be the best, Izzy flouted those same rules and embraced rebellion. It was almost as if she felt too much, and her emotions had gotten too big to contain. The long spiral into trouble almost broke the family apart again.

  She remembered the day she discovered marijuana hidden in the closet, deep inside an old gym bag. Izzy begged her to keep the secret, promising she was holding it for someone else, and that Gen needed to trust her.

  Gen wondered if things would've been different if she'd listened to her sister. Instead, she told, and after that everything changed. Izzy never trusted her and shut her out, and the closeness they'd once shared dissolved. A coldness seeped between them, a wall so high it couldn't be scaled. Gen mourned the loss of her twin every day.

  Gen took a deep breath and opened the door.

  The house enfolded her in a tight embrace and memories of comfort. The scent of lemon polish floated around her. The gorgeous staircase with the elaborate Southern charm emphasized high ceilings, bay windows, and an innate coziness that welcomed visitors.

  "Genevieve!"

  Her mother rushed toward her, holding her tight with a mother's strength. Maria MacKenzie was of Italian blood that bred a foundation of family, food, and iron willpower. Alone, she held all the fragments together and was always loving to strangers, opening her home and herself to anyone who needed her. Petite, with curly dark hair and strong, animated features, she took control in moments.

  "Wolfe, thank you for taking care of my own. I knew you'd bring her back."

  Wolfe nodded, kissed her cheek, and stepped back.

  The rest of the crowd bum-rushed her.

  Alexa reached her first, gripping her fiercely like a mama bear bent on protecting her cub. "I was so worried," she whispered. "I'm glad you're okay."

  "I'm sorry," she said. "So sorry I did this to everyone."

  "Shush, we just want you to be safe."

  Gina and Lance came next. Lance gave her the older brother worried stare, while Gina fussed, explaining Taylor was at a friend's house so she didn't have to deal with her thousand questions about why her aunt ran out on her wedding.

  As they made their way into the hallway, her gaze fell upon the last two members of her family standing back. Izzy wore her usual badass outfit. Leather shorts. Tight black tank. The red ink of the thorny rose peeked over the curve of her breast. She used to have the same crazy curls Gen sported, but she had had her hair straightened. Long choppy strands entwined with purple framed her face. They were twins, but had never looked so different. Again, the distance between them panged. Gen opened her arms. Her sister responded but remained stiff, as if not used to physical affection. "You sure know how to make an exit," Izzy said. "You okay?"

  Gen choked out a laugh. "About time I caused the excitement around here. I'm hanging in." The comment brought a tentative smile to her twin's face. Gen looked over her sister and met her father's gaze. "Hi, Dad."

  Jim MacKenzie blinked, his blue eyes filled with raw emotion. "Genevieve. We were worried."

  "I know. Sorry, Daddy."

  He swallowed, then closed the distance to give her a hug. Even though he'd broken her heart when she was young, he was her knight in shining armor. A tarnished knight, yes. But he'd come back for his family, fought for redemption, and never allowed her to doubt him again. She hated disappointing him, but he also allowed her to see the possibility of making mistakes and recovering.

  When he turned his head, his eyes iced. "Wolfe. What are you doing here?"

  "Jim! He's welcome in our house," her mother said.

  "I didn't say he wasn't. Just wanted to know why he's here. In fact, I'd like to know how my daughter ended up in your car in the first place. Did you plant this seed in her head?"

  Gen gasped. "Dad, cut it out! Wolfe took care of me--it isn't his fault. This was my decision. I'm the one who ran out of t
he church, and he happened to be outside. I asked him to get me away."

  "Convenient."

  "Jim. Enough," Maria snapped.

  He fell silent. Wolfe didn't say a word. Gen didn't know why her father was always suspicious of Wolfe. From the early days of their friendship, a scowl would come over her father's face when she spoke about Wolfe, and he'd urged her many times to be careful of him, even though he was family to Alexa and Maggie.

  "Let's go into the living room and talk," Maria said.

  Jim grumbled something but followed. Her mom had set up an array of pastries, coffee, and tea. Everyone grabbed something to eat and sat down. How weird. Usually they had family meetings regarding a crisis, which usually involved Izzy. It had never been about her.

  Wolfe perched in the chair farthest away, but his presence pulsed around her in an almost physical manner. She relaxed, reminding herself they were here to support her decision. She just needed to tell them the truth.

  "First off, I can't say how sorry I am for doing what I did. I know I left everyone without an explanation. I stuck you with a mess and I never meant for it to happen. I just . . . panicked."

  Alexa spoke up. "We don't care about the fallout. We're more worried about why you ran."

  Jim cut in. "You heard what she said. She panicked. She had a bad case of bridal jitters and didn't handle it well. We can fix this."

  Lance nodded. "I loved Gina, but getting ready to say your vows is a big deal." He grinned when she punched him in the shoulder. "Look, I know how the hospital can get when you're a resident. Crazy hours, little sleep, and planning a wedding. David explained he's been worried about you for a long time."

  Her inner voice woke up from sleep and bellowed in protest. David was talking to her family about her? What was going on?

  Gen shook her head. "Wait. What did David say about me? This was more than a regular panic attack, Dad. There's been a problem between us for a while but I haven't wanted to deal with it."

  Her parents shared a pointed look. Alexa looked sympathetic. Izzy frowned. But there was something strange going on, an aura of anticipation as they were listening to her story. Jim cleared his throat. "Honey, I just wish you would've shared things with us. We could've helped you. David said you've been having some panic attacks. He said you're constantly questioning if you're good enough at the hospital, and started to feel you didn't deserve him as a husband. He's been honest with me and your mother about the issues, but he loves you. Why won't you take the medicine?"

 

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