Searching for Beautiful

by Jennifer Probst

  Last night, he'd given her the truth.

  Now he needed to give her his heart.

  "Wolfe."

  He jerked, sloshing coffee over the rim. Setting his feet back on the ground, he mopped up the spill and set the cup on the table beside him. "Sorry. Didn't hear you."

  They gazed at each other. Remembering. Her gaze flicked to his wrists, covered by the leather bands once more. He tugged at them, then stilled.

  "How do you feel?" she asked softly.

  "Good."

  "The police called. They found who did it." His brows snapped in a frown. She quickly went over the scenario, and he seemed to accept the explanation. "I told them I'd be flying back tomorrow."

  "We can do that. I'll help you repaint."

  "I've decided to go back to the hospital."

  He nodded, as if trying to keep up. "Good. You deserve to be there. It may be a bit rough at first, but you can handle it. I always knew that."

  "Wolfe?"

  "Yeah?"

  "I love you."

  He flinched. Turned pale. Her heart dropped, but she'd committed to her last stand and damned if she wasn't going all out. How many times had they mentioned love to each other? In friendship, and laughter, and fun? The words had spilled out so easily before, yet today they held a whole new meaning and were stuck deep inside where the memories had been trapped. Refusing to come out.

  "Well, we're friends."

  She stiffened her spine at the raw hurt. "Not like that. I'll always love you as a friend. But it's more now. I love you as a man. My lover. As my partner."

  He jumped back, pressing his back against the balcony. "Why are you doing this now? Let's fly back, get our heads in the game, and see what happens." A nervous laugh escaped. "A lot of shit went down last night and I told you stuff no one knows."

  "Do you love me?" His eyes widened. Gen swore he was already calculating the odds of jumping over the balcony rather than face her questions. She closed the distance, forcing him to deal with her. "Because last night meant something more to me. You shared a gift by telling me the truth. But it's more than that. I look into your eyes and see a man I want with my whole heart. I want you in my life as more than my friend. Do you want that, too?"

  He swallowed. Stared. Pure fear shone from those bright blue eyes.

  And he didn't answer.

  Gen stopped inches before him. "I love you," she said again. "Right now. Right here, I need to know how you feel about me. The truth."

  The sun beat down bright and hot. The roar of mopeds and heels clicking on the sidewalk rose in the air. He didn't move, didn't blink, standing as still as a statue. Or a victim watching his attacker move in.

  Her fingers shook. Her gut clenched in terror. She was losing him, and she didn't know what to do to push him over the edge, make him fight for her, admit his true feelings.

  "Please say something," she whispered. "Anything. I can't do this anymore. I'm fighting for both of us, but if you don't give me a sign, something to hope for, I'll--" She struggled to continue, battling the raw emotions that rocked her to the core. Gen grabbed his T-shirt, tugging him forward. The heat between them caught and surged.

  "I don't care about your past. I care about your future--with me--but you have to say it. Dammit, Wolfe, say something!"

  The silence was deafening.

  Her grip loosened. He stared at her, refusing to speak. Gen took a step back, and another, until her back pressed against the door and there was a space between them as large and deep as the Grand Canyon.

  It was over.

  IT WAS OVER.

  He knew it. Sensed what was going to happen when she stepped on the balcony with him. She was so beautiful. Even as he stood dumbstruck, she raised that stubborn chin and challenged him. I love you. Words that struck a chord inside and healed. Word that struck a chord inside and destroyed.

  Julietta and Sawyer and Gabby and Mama Conte were different. It wasn't the kind of love that consumed you raw, devoured you whole, and made everything messy and terrifying and bloody. This type of love, this possession to be and give the world to one person, wasn't possible. He'd end up hurting her, because he was damaged. He'd done terrible things. The years of violence on the street. Beating up strangers and ripping away their innocence. Stealing. Being raped by monsters. He wasn't clean, or good enough for someone like her. He didn't trust himself to raise a family, be a healthy spouse and father. What if one day the demons rose again and gobbled him up? She deserved more, and if by not saying the words she needed to hear he could protect her, so be it.

  Her own father knew it. Called out the truth right to his face.

  Jim knew about the demons and said they'd always come back. He wouldn't let the bastards drag both of them into the pits of hell.

  She moved away. Coldness seeped into his chest, familiar numbness wrapping around his organs and dragging him into nothingness.

  Say something.

  The plea and the tears gleaming in her eyes would haunt him forever.

  He opened his mouth.

  Her voice shattered and broke like a thousand pieces of fragile glass. "I can't do this anymore."

  The door shut.

  Wolfe turned away. She was gone. He'd done it. Severed the final ties between them. Maybe, with time, they could go back to friendship. He'd bury his emotions, wait the proper grieving time, and approach her. At least she was safe. Getting her life back on track. Coming into herself again.

  He'd wait. For now, he'd tell Sawyer to let her fly home so she could have the time she needed to get over him. He'd return in a few days, lie low, and slowly introduce himself back into her life. With distance. Safely.

  As a friend.

  Say something.

  Wolfe bowed his head and reminded himself he had done the only thing possible.

  He'd saved her from himself.

  twenty-eight

  GENEVIEVE SLID INTO the booth and grinned. Her besties roared with approval and pushed over a margarita with just the right amount of salt rimming the edge. Today was her last day at Kinnections before officially going back to her residency. After a long conversation with Brian about options, a heart-to-heart with some key people at the hospital, and a discussion about Sally's vandalism on her house, Gen felt better prepared. She was a surgeon and it was time to claim her future. There would still be plenty of ghosts to fight, but she was finally ready to take them on.

  "I'm gonna miss you guys," she said, lifting her glass. Kate, Arilyn, and Kennedy clinked their glasses together and drank. "I kinda got used to having you around all the time."

  Kate lifted a brow. "That's not going to change. I know you're going to be crazy busy, Gen, but I don't want you to ever slip away from us like before. You need balance. You need us."

  "Absolutely," Arilyn chimed in. "Life passes too quickly, and though your work is important, it's not everything."

  "Hell, when you start getting weird or secretive, we'll just drag you out for a drinkfest," Kennedy informed her.

  Gen laughed. "Thanks guys. It's good to be back at Mugs."

  They launched into girly chatter about shoes, the latest matches at Kinnections, and wedding plans for Kate. She also noticed Kate's hesitation to discuss any details, and immediately grabbed her friend's hand. "Kate, listen to me. I know things have been uncomfortable with my wedding blowing up. But I'm so happy for you and Slade. Because you showed me the difference between a real love match versus what looks good on paper. Talking about dresses and favors and flowers is fun, and it doesn't make me sad. Understood?"

  Kate nodded, and her face relaxed. "I just felt so bad. You're my maid of honor and I didn't want you to regret saying yes to me."

  "Never. It's going to be an epic wedding, and standing by your side will make me happy. Now, no more bullshit."

  Kate laughed. "Done. Now can someone help me talk my mother out of donating marijuana brownies for the favors?"

  Kennedy lifted a brow. "I think I'm about to encourage it."


  Arilyn kept oddly quiet throughout the next round of drinks. Finally, Gen leaned in and pitched her voice a bit higher to be heard. "A? What's up? You seem distracted. You okay?"

  Kate and Kennedy shared a knowing look. Arilyn smiled, but it was weak compared to her megawatt genuine one that made people happy. "I was wrong," she finally said.

  Gen cocked her head. "Wrong about what?"

  Her green eyes flickered with a hint of regret. "I told you it's best to let the moment lead. Not discuss the terms of a relationship or the rules, or real feelings. I meant what I said at the time, but lately I've been thinking I'm very wrong."

  Kate began to get that mean look. Gen figured she was about to beat the living crap out of Yoga Man. Kennedy actually curled her fingers into her fists as if getting ready to train. "Did something happen?" she asked gently. "Did he hurt you?"

  Arilyn's shimmering golden red hair shook, then settled. "Not yet. But it's the coward's way. If you love someone, you need to be honest. Brave. Tell them straight out and blow up the fucking rules. Because I'm starting to believe there shouldn't be any rules when you love someone."

  Gen almost doubled over with pain. The image of Wolfe flashed in her mind, and the hurt wasn't any better. It was blinding, breath-stealing pain that made her heart whimper. Since they arrived back home two weeks ago, he'd moved out of her house and kept his distance. A few texts, some calls. One night she could have sworn she caught sight of his car parked down the road by her house, but when she walked outside to investigate, the car was gone.

  She sensed him everywhere, yet nowhere. Since that fateful day on the balcony, Gen realized she couldn't live her life in a constant state of need anymore. It might hurt, and she also worried she'd never truly get over him--that she'd wind up searching for a mate who would be only a pale imitation of the man who held her heart. But she was going to give it her best shot.

  This time, there was no consolation prize of friendship. Those chick flicks had been right after all.

  Sex between friends ruined everything.

  The group sighed with sympathy. "I'm sorry, A," Gen said. "When I finally told Wolfe the truth, he couldn't give me what I needed. But you're right. I think it may be better to find out sooner rather than later."

  "Yeah."

  They drank their alcohol while the music blared in the background. "Do you think Wolfe will come after you?" Arilyn asked.

  Her stomach pitched. "If he's not ready to be all in, I don't want to hear it. And if he's biding his time, thinking this will all go away and we can be buddies, he's going to be sorely disappointed."

  "He'd never be that stupid," Arilyn said. "Wolfe is a pretty smart guy."

  Kennedy snorted. "He has a penis. Trust me, he may be stupid, especially since Gen's thrown him into a tailspin. No woman has ever demanded anything more than a quick lay and a good conversation. He doesn't know how to handle it, because he's never been in love before."

  "I hate love," Arilyn said grumpily. Another shared look between Kate and Kennedy.

  Gen sighed and drained her drink. "Me, too. Love sucks."

  Kennedy raised her hand in the air and flagged down a waitress. "That, my darlings, is why they created alcohol. Another round, please."

  They looked at each other and began to laugh.

  WOLFE WAITED UNTIL HE spotted her coming up the sidewalk.

  He sat in his car, in the dark, waiting for the woman who had replaced his nightmares and now haunted his dreams. Since that fateful night, things had been cold and stilted between them. He'd been ready to accept the blame and ride out the rocky path until she calmed down and realized they were better as friends.

  But the last two weeks had almost killed him.

  She was going back to the hospital. He was so proud of her. Sometimes, when he couldn't sleep, he drove up to Verily and parked on her street. Looking at her sunny yellow bungalow made him happy. Now that David was out of her life and safely in Boston, now that the culprit had been caught and punished, things were going back to normal.

  And so should their relationship.

  He caught his breath as the moon threw her in silhouette. She was gorgeous. Probably out with the girls at Mugs. She wore tight jeans, high-heeled sandals, and a shimmery gold top with lots of sparkle and lace. Her hair was curled in tight corkscrews and tumbled around her shoulders in a silky mess. Pouty red lips mouthed the words to a song he couldn't catch. Yeah, definitely Mugs. Her hips swung a bit as she bopped to the mental rhythm and skipped up the stairs. The porch light flickered on.

  She disappeared inside.

  His palms sweat. Wolfe cursed under his breath and got out of the car. He refused to be a pussy. Sure, he'd hurt her, but it was far better than watching her begin to hate him when she realized he was only half a man. The rape and attempted suicide had wiped out a part of who he was. He rebuilt himself, but there was so much violence in his past. She was clean. He was dirty.

  She was better off without him.

  He wiped his hands over his jeans and trudged up the walkway. He'd keep it light, friendly, and polite. Just check on her. Maybe share a beer. Surely she'd let him inside and begin to forgive him? Surely she'd understand why he had done it and realize things could be good again between them?

  He knocked.

  Her face froze when she saw him.

  His heart stumbled, then dropped into free fall.

  Her voice blasted out a spray of pure ice. "What do you want?"

  Wolfe tried not to jerk back. This wasn't like her. Gen would never treat him like an unwelcome stranger. "T-to see you. Catch up. It's been too long." He waited like a dumbass on her porch while she studied him like a bug she considered squashing. His temper reared. For God's sake, this wasn't what was supposed to happen. "Are you gonna keep me out here or invite me in?" His half joke fell flat when he gazed into those blue eyes and saw . . . nothing.

  A wall stood between them. If he reached out, Wolfe swore he'd be able to touch it. Somehow, he had to get them back on track and fix this.

  "Gen, please. Let me in. For one beer?"

  Finally, she opened the door and let him in.

  Trying not to breathe out in pure relief, he remained casual. Walked over to the refrigerator and grabbed two beers, flipping off the caps and handing one over. Like a familiar dance, he expected her smile of welcome or some smart-ass remark that made him laugh. Instead, she just took the bottle and held it in her hand as if afraid to drink.

  Irritation cut through him. "So, you went to Mugs with the girls?"

  "Yeah."

  "Have fun?"

  "Sure."

  He nodded, sipped his beer, and tried to keep calm. Her one-word answers were pissing him off, but if he lost his temper, she'd throw him the hell out. And why was he so mad? He'd been the one to push her away, so he couldn't expect this to be easy. Maybe it was best to launch right into the topic they were both avoiding.

  "I wanted to talk to you." More silence. "I'm sorry about what happened that day on the balcony." No expression. "You can jump in anytime, you know."

  "What exactly are you sorry for?"

  So cold. Controlled. He pulled himself to full height and swore he'd make her understand. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I did the only thing I could. A relationship like that could never work with us, sweetheart. I'm fucked-up in the head, and can't stand the idea of messing us up. We're better off as friends, don't you agree? I wanted to give you some time so you could come to the same conclusion."

  She just stared at him. Analyzing his words as if he was a stranger. He'd buried himself deep into her body and made her scream his name in orgasm. He'd rescued her from the wedding. He'd told her the truth about his past. And yet there was not even a flicker of emotion revealed on her face.

  "Anything else you wanted to say?"

  "Why are you doing this? I don't understand why you'd want to throw away our friendship. Do you need more time? Tell me what to do to make this right and I'll fix it."

 
She slowly put the beer down. The only sign she was affected by him was the way she wrapped her arms around her chest, hugging tight, as if she was trying to protect herself. Regret flowed and the numbness inside melted away to explode back into a fiery pain that hurt every part of his body. She was killing him. All he craved to do was take her in his arms, make her happy, make her laugh. But this was different from when she left David.

  Now she looked at him like he was her very worst nightmare.

  "You can't fix this," she finally said. Those blue eyes remained calm. "I don't think you really understand, Wolfe. We're not children anymore. I can't just flick a magic wand and make myself not love you anymore. I can't share a beer and a burger and not want to take you into my bed and give you everything I am."

  "Sweetheart, we'll work it out. With time, things will get better, like they were. I swear."

  She let out a humorless laugh. "No, it won't. Not if I keep seeing you and reminding myself of what I can never have. It's over between us. All of it. The friendship, the casual get-togethers, the texts and the calls and the emails. I need you to go away and stay away. I don't want to be your friend anymore."

  Panic clutched at his chest, making it difficult to breathe. "You don't mean that. You're still pissed off and hurt, and I get it, but I'm not going anywhere. How can you walk away from what we have together? Don't you want to fight for it?"

  "I could ask the same of you."

  They stared at each other in a standoff. He slammed the beer down and shoved his fingers through his hair. "This is different," he gritted out. "Fuck, I told you why I didn't want to do this! You're punishing both of us for something I have no control over. I'm trying to protect you!"

  A sad smile curved her lips. "No. You're trying to protect yourself. For a man so brave and strong and pure of heart, you're taking the coward's way out. You've hurt me by not fighting for us. Hiding behind a lie won't make it go away. I'm sorry if you can't get everything you want, but I'm not a consolation prize. I played all my cards and I lost, and now I'm done. With you. With us. You'll have to find someone else to hang with. Someone else to drink with and play darts with and pretend you're something you're not with. Because I'm out."