by Gwen Lowe
‘Frazzling fruitcakes! That’ll be easy,’ Kevin murmured, but Jago totally missed the sarcasm.
‘Yes, it will be, won’t it – we just need a plan,’ Jago told him, his eyes lighting up. ‘Now . . . if you three distract Mrs Peasley at bath time, I’ll sneak into her office, find her computer, crack her password, identify the nearest Public Health doctor and find where they live. Then tonight we’ll go to bed as normal and sneak out when everyone’s asleep. All we need to do after that is get to the right house, force the doctor to answer our questions and get back here before anyone notices we’re missing. It’s so simple, what could go wrong?’
For a moment they were too stunned to speak.
Kevin recovered first. ‘Yeah, really nice and simple. We should fit that in before bedtime.’ He shook his head in amazement. ‘Wow, yer really off the wall, mate.’
But to Alice and Kevin’s surprise, Chloe agreed with Jago.
‘It’s the only logical thing to do. We can plan everything properly in Dicing with Death Cookery this afternoon – Mr Pye teaches that too and he usually leaves us alone.’
‘It’s my problem,’ Alice protested, not liking the sound of Jago’s plan at all. ‘You shouldn’t get involved. We could all end up in serious trouble.’
‘It’s too late, we’re already involved. No, Public Health’s our best option for now.’
And Alice had no answer to that.
‘What’ll we wear?’ Chloe asked hesitantly. ‘We’ve only got school uniform. If we turn up wearing that they’ll know we’ve escaped.’
‘Pyjamas of course,’ replied Jago, as though this was obvious. Kevin rolled his eyes.
Despite her worries, Alice giggled. ‘Forget being forced to talk, it’s the pyjamas that’ll really freak the public health doctor out!’
‘Nice pyjamas!’ grinned Kevin when they met up at midnight. They were all wearing identical shapeless outfits, and Alice had to admit that Jago was right. Their baggy brown school pyjamas were more like badly made tracksuits than nightclothes.
Much to their amazement, Jago’s plan had worked perfectly.
‘How on earth did you work out Mrs Peasley’s password?’ Alice asked him in awe.
Jago shrugged. ‘Easy, for a Genius like me,’ he replied. ‘It was obviously Miss-Grammaticus-Is-Perfect.’
This made Alice want to giggle quite badly, but the others soon shut her up.
‘I’m scared!’ whispered Chloe, as they crept nervously through the dark corridors.
‘Yer fine, no one’s gonna be up,’ Kevin told her, but he was wrong. At the entrance hall, Jago abruptly halted them.
‘Look!’ he hissed, pointing.
Alice’s heart almost exploded – Mrs Peasley’s office door was slightly ajar, with yellow light spilling outwards.
‘Oh no! She’s still awake! What’s she doing?’
‘Probably thinking of new ways to torture us,’ Kevin whispered.
They crept forward very gingerly. As they drew level with the open door, Alice felt sick. She could see Mrs Peasley inside, humming happily as she polished her dusting trophies.
Chloe gulped in terror.
Mrs Peasley paused, lifting her head suspiciously. Terrified, they all dived back into the shadows, just as Mrs Peasley strode to her door and peered out.
Hurriedly, Kevin pulled something from his pocket and tossed it upwards. It landed with a click in the corridor opposite and Mrs Peasley immediately scuttled off to investigate.
And as soon as she disappeared out of the hall, they dashed for the front door.
‘What was that?’ hissed Jago.
‘Rat treat from Pest Control – knew it would come in handy.’
Alice felt giggles rising up.
‘Don’t start!’ warned Chloe as she slid back the huge door bolts. ‘I’ll wait here and cover up for you if there’s trouble,’ she promised, just as they had planned earlier.
‘I calculate we’ll be back in exactly four hours,’ instructed Jago. ‘Be here then – we need you to let us back in.’
Chloe nodded.
‘Good luck,’ she whispered, closing the door behind them.
‘How do we get over that?’ asked Alice, when they reached the boundary wall.
‘Use these to catch that tree branch and swing over,’ said Jago, plucking something out of a nearby bush.
Alice stared.
‘No way!’ she protested.
Jago was holding several pairs of trainers with enormous springs attached to their soles.
‘I made them in my Advanced Engineering class,’ he said proudly.
‘Yer off your rocker if yer think we’re wearing them,’ said Kevin.
‘Theoretically, they work!’ Jago protested, sounding hurt. ‘I’ve done all the calculations!’
Kevin swore loudly. ‘All right, show us. If we’re not picking bits of yer splattered over the wall, we’ll ’ave a go.’
Jago laced up the trainers, stood up and began to run.
‘Wow, that’s amazing!’ said Alice, as Jago rose higher with each bound. He sprung up into the air, caught the tree branch easily and swung over the wall.
Kevin swore again. ‘That’s a blinking miracle!’
Alice had three goes before she managed to scramble over. As she lay gasping on the grass, Kevin landed lightly at her feet.
He hauled Alice upright.
‘Ups-a-daisy Sunshine!’
Alice refused to speak to either of them all the way down the lane. Instead she stroked Nibbles, who was still quivering from being bounced.
‘Where are we going exactly?’ Kevin asked Jago. ‘I don’t do walking – take me bike mostly.’
‘Snowdrop Cottage, in Slugsend. It’s only five miles away, we’ll be there in one hour and fifteen minutes if we walk at the recommended postal service speed,’ said Jago.
‘Five miles!’ Kevin looked about to faint.
This made Alice giggle a lot.
Snowdrop Cottage was the sort of cottage you saw on holiday postcards, all pretty yellow walls under a thatched roof.
‘Go on – I’ll keep watch and rescue yer if there’s trouble.’ Kevin crouched behind the hedge as Jago knocked.
It was ages before the door was opened. At last a stern-looking lady, clad in an orange flowery dressing gown, cautiously peered out.
‘Oh, just children!’ she said, sounding relieved. ‘What do you want?’
‘We need to talk to Dr Goodish-Leech,’ said Jago in a solemn grown-up voice.
‘I’m Dr Goodish-Leech,’ the woman told him.
Jago looked puzzled. ‘You don’t look like the photo of Dr Goodish-Leech on the computer,’ he objected.
‘Perhaps you saw my husband’s picture,’ the woman smiled. ‘We’re both Public Health doctors so people often muddle us up. What do you want?’
‘We want the truth about the Pirus,’ said Jago. Alice tried to kick him to shut him up but it was too late.
The woman looked wary. ‘You’d better come in,’ she said, holding the door open. ‘Digby!’ she called up the stairs. ‘There are some young people here who want to talk to us!’
‘What, Diana . . .? Who?’ Dr Digby Goodish-Leech stumbled sleepily down the stairs wearing orange-striped pyjamas.
‘We don’t mean any harm,’ said Alice quickly as they moved into the sitting room. ‘I just need to know what’s going on.’
Dr Digby picked up a pair of glasses, rammed them on and peered at her closely.
‘Alice Dent!’ he exclaimed, recoiling.
‘Y-y-yes,’ said Alice, too surprised to deny it.
‘Alice Dent?’ asked his wife, her eyes widening. ‘No way!’
Leaping backwards, she stared hard at Alice. ‘Yes . . . I can see it is now. But that brown hair colour makes you look so different, especially with such neat plaits and your shiny scrubbed face.’
‘How did you know it was me?’ Alice asked Dr Digby.
‘All of us Public Health experts in nasty in
fections have been studying your photograph for days. I recognized your eyes – those bright amber flecks against that vivid blue are quite unusual,’ said Dr Digby, busily flinging open all the windows. He hurried over to a large cupboard, wrenched the door open, pulled out a box and grabbed a fistful of blue surgical masks. Strapping one over his face with trembling fingers and handing another to Dr Diana, he threw two towards Alice and Jago.
‘Put these on and stand over there!’
Alice tied the mask over her mouth and nose.
‘What’s wrong with me?’ she asked.
‘You’re infected,’ said Dr Digby, as though that explained everything.
‘Yes, well I guessed that,’ said Alice impatiently.
‘But what with?’
‘Ah, that’s the problem. You’re shedding a Positive Virus . . . a Pirus.’
‘A Positive Virus!’ exclaimed Alice. ‘Is that bad?’
‘It’s very bad!’
‘But I feel fine!’ she protested.
‘You just wait – probably too early yet for the worst symptoms.’
‘Will I die?’ Alice was really frightened now.
‘Oh, I’d say that’s highly unlikely. These Positive Viruses are a bit like common cold viruses.’ He stopped, considering. ‘Actually, nothing like common cold viruses. Except that they’re both very infectious.’
‘What does a Pirus do to you?’ asked Jago curiously.
‘When you catch one, it changes you for the better. Let me see now, some examples . . . there’s the Carrot Pirus, good for eyesight, and the Jester Pirus, good for making up incredibly fantastic jokes. And there’s the Flower Pirus, which makes people peaceful. Last time that came round it infected millions of youngsters; they did nothing but lie around all day singing. And let’s not forget the Wow Pirus, good for—’
‘Yes, thank you, Digby, they get the picture,’ interrupted Dr Diana Goodish-Leech, frowning at him. Alice got the impression that the doctors weren’t supposed to talk about Piruses.
‘But what’s so bad about them? They sound great!’ she exclaimed.
‘Well—’ said Dr Digby, but his wife cut him off abruptly.
‘Never mind about that. Have you noticed anything odd yet?’
‘Odd?’ asked Alice nervously. ‘What sort of odd?’ She could feel Nibbles stirring in her pocket. Having a mouse in my pocket, well, that’s quite odd, and then there’s Cuddles and Precious . . . She pushed the thoughts hastily away.
‘Well, is anything strange happening to you?’
Jago looked at Alice’s pocket, then opened his mouth. Alice stood on his foot, hard. She didn’t think it would be a good idea for Jago to reveal everything right now.
‘Nothing really strange,’ she said quickly, ignoring Jago’s surprised face. ‘Which Pirus have I got?’
‘Yours is related to the Snortle virus, I’ve been told,’ said Dr Digby. ‘One of the most dangerous.’
‘The what?’ interrupted Jago.
‘The Snortle virus, named after Professor R. B. Snortle, who discovered it. It makes you happy.’
‘Happy! So why’s it so dangerous?’
‘It’s unpredictable and has very odd effects. It starts with a horrible cold, like many viruses, and then has different effects in children and adults. Almost immediately, grown-ups become very happy all the time. Some just sit around smiling all day, others do strange things; usually what they’ve always secretly wanted to do but never dared. In the last Pirus epidemic, for example, there were reports of an old lady building a tree house and throwing ice-cream snowballs at passers-by.’
‘What about children?’ interrupted Alice, not sure she really wanted to know.
‘Giggling attacks.’
‘Giggling attacks?’
‘Yes, annoying fits of giggles.’ Dr Digby Goodish-Leech spoke slowly. ‘Odd little bouts of being incredibly happy, which makes them laugh and giggle, and then . . . I’m surprised you haven’t had any yet.’
But I have! Alice thought, going cold all over. She couldn’t deny it any longer. It wasn’t a mistake. There was no doubt about it now; she definitely had this Pirus.
She could see Jago staring at her, horrified. She guessed he was also remembering all the giggling attacks she had had lately.
‘Go on!’ Jago demanded. He and Alice were on the edge of their seats.
‘Then after a week or two weird things start happening. Piruses seem to have a deeper effect on children.’
‘Weird things? Like what?’
Dr Digby shrugged his shoulders. ‘Nobody knows what after-effects your Pirus has but I’m sure you’ll find out soon enough . . . Hopefully nothing too bad but there are some alarming reports from the last epidemic . . . ’
The Pirus must be what’s made me an animal magnet! Alice realized with a shock. That wasn’t so bad, she really liked having animals attracted to her, but how much worse would it get? Everyone was bound to notice if packs of animals started following her everywhere. But what if it attracted things like snakes and tarantulas? And the giggling was getting worse too; surely it was dangerous to laugh so much? Sometimes she couldn’t even catch her breath for giggling.
Dr Digby was still talking.
‘The Best Minister’s declared this an emergency,’ he continued. ‘He wants you found and dealt with. There’s no getting away from him. He’s putting everyone else you’ve had contact with into quarantine to stop the Pirus spreading.’
Alice shivered. The Best Minister for Everything Nicely Perfect again. Her insides knotted every time she heard his name.
‘The Best Minister’s becoming the most important man in the country. Lately he even tells the Prime Minster what to do. Be careful, he’s very dangerous,’ warned Dr Diana.
‘What will he do with me?’
‘Hopefully just lock you up so you don’t spread the Pirus to everyone. But it could be worse, much worse. He thinks your Pirus could destroy us all,’ said Dr Digby anxiously.
There was a silence while everyone stared at Alice. Suddenly feeling wobbly, she collapsed backwards into the soft armchair.
‘Is Alice the first person to get this Pirus?’ asked Jago curiously.
‘She’s the only person to have had a Pirus for decades.’
‘How can that happen? Where do Piruses come from?’
Dr Digby’s face lit up. ‘Well, let me tell you about the mysterious habits of germs. I’ve got a brilliant slide show on it, would you like to see it?’
‘No time, sorry!’ Alice said quickly. Jago looked disappointed. ‘How do you know I’ve truly got the Pirus?’ Alice asked.
Dr Diana Goodish-Leech stared at her gravely. ‘Because you’ve left a telltale trail of destruction behind you – worse than a hurricane. The doctor that visited and swabbed you, remember her?’
Alice nodded. ‘She said I had a virus.’
‘Yes, well, she was almost right: you had a Pirus and it looks like she’s got it too. She’s closed her surgery to humans and set up a sanctuary for insects. Says she’s always had a passion for them. The whole building’s now filled with spiders, ladybirds and beetles and attracts birds and frogs from miles around. She’s very happy – but we think she’ll never be normal again.’
‘Spiders aren’t insects,’ muttered Jago, but no one was listening to him.
‘It’s nothing to do with me!’ Alice felt really panicky now, she wanted to put her hands over her ears and shout at the doctors to stop talking. The trouble was that it all fitted together, the cold, the giggling, the animals . . . and it sounded like she was going to send everyone else crackers too.
‘What about the antidote?’ she asked hopefully. ‘Do you know where it is?’
‘I think there used to be one, but it’s long-gone,’ said Dr Diana, staring intently at Alice, almost as though she was weighing her up.
‘What do you mean?’ said Alice.
‘It’s disappeared. No one knows where it is.’
Alice’s stomach twisted
with disappointment. She hastily changed the subject.
‘Will you report me to the Best Minister?’
Both doctors went white.
‘Absolutely not!’ said Dr Diana, horrified. ‘We obey Public Health law on infections, not blindly do everything the Best Minister wants. If we reported you, I’d hate to think what he’d do to you.’
‘I agree,’ Dr Digby nodded. ‘And if he finds out you’ve been here he’ll put us in quarantine for ever – even though we’ve taken all the proper precautions to stop us catching your Pirus.’
Alice was relieved, but another concern struck her.
‘Are my parents OK?’
‘Well, there’s an odd thing,’ said Dr Digby. ‘They’ve disappeared. The excellent Public Health nurses in Knott Sowell who went to put them into quarantine found your front door open, with nothing gone but your parents.’
‘My mother’s gone?’ said Alice slowly, staring at her. She felt as though an ice cream snowball was sliding down her back. ‘She can’t have – she hasn’t left the house since I was born. She’s too afraid of catching germs!’
It was a long walk back to Tryton Mell.
After they had told Kevin what the Dr Goodish-Leeches had said, he and Jago kept shooting worried glances at Alice, but to her relief they didn’t linger to discuss anything.
Instead, Jago marched them along at top speed.
‘You’re slowing down! If we’re not there to meet Chloe on time, we’re sunk!’ he reminded them every few minutes.
‘That’s . . . coz . . . we’re . . . dying . . .’ panted Kevin, his face purple.
Alice didn’t mind walking, she was glad of the time to think. What had happened to her parents? She didn’t miss them, not at all, but she did hope that they were safe. Most of all though, she was now sure she had to take the antidote.
If I don’t, someone’s bound to notice that there’s something odd about me and start investigating – then I’m in deep trouble, she thought, shuddering. She was still having nightmares about that transparent person-shaped box that the Best Minister’s men had carried at her house.
‘Perhaps I shouldn’t go back,’ she said aloud. ‘They’re sure to work out who I am soon. And if you haven’t already got my Pirus, I don’t want you catching it. Maybe I should look for the antidote instead.’