by Blythe Stone
When I got to the room, it was empty. There was no one at the computers or desks. She was the only one who ever showed up in the mornings so it made sense for there to be no people. Except, where was she? I had no concept of time.
I was too tired to do anything but fall into the closest chair. She wasn't here. My heart thumped and my eyes slid closed. I would rest. Just for a minute before I tried the parking lot. Maybe she would even come in while I was here.
I lay my head on the table and sighed at the cool wood touching my sweaty forehead. Yes, I just needed to rest for a minute. He couldn’t find me here. This was where Olivia should be. Ben couldn’t touch me where she frequented.
Chapter 2
Olivia
My dream was like a full-length film. Sometimes I dream like that, so put together, so predictable, so obviously of my own mind.
In the beginning I’d been drinking and it was night or maybe just dark. I was shaky and upset. I’d been working alone in the dark room at school, or more like just sitting in there and occasionally ruining things: ripping them, smashing them, breaking them.
I had an intense looking knife and I kept picking it up and putting it down. I kept meditating on it. I would pace and slide down the small bit of wall off to the corner, behind the door, pushing my foot into the wedge on the opposite side and sandwiching myself in the tiny nook there, the place that’s hidden when somebody decides they want to come in.
In the half-light, over and over, I'd pull the knife up and stare at it. The metal would shine. I’d think of the crime and then turn the blade and see my reflection and spook myself back into reality.
I’d cry. Curse. And drop the knife.
I did it about three times. Taking swigs of the gross hard liquor every time.
I was upset and so pale. My hair was stringy, near wet. I knew I’d been in there a long time just freaking out.
Finally I got up the courage, rage filled me. I pulled the handle of the door and went out into his class with the knife in my right hand.
The students were there. They were all doing their own things like usual. Occasionally one would look up and make a blank face and look away.
When he saw me he smiled, relief hitting him as he pushed back from his desk leaving an open space between us. “There you are,” he said, facing me as non-aggressive as he could, as he usually did, as he always was with me, gentle. “I thought you’d left me,” he stated sadly.
I tightened my grip on the smooth hilt of the knife. This was so typical. This would be how it would happen and I hated that. My brain was too mean. It gave me more conviction.
I walked forward and lunged into him with all of my strength.
The blade sank right down into his chest, right over his heart, like a hot knife going into warm butter, there was no resistance, no hardship, no struggle. My knee had come up between his open thighs to rest on his chair and give me all the leverage and the power. I’d used both hands to expertly push the knife deep down within his chest and pierce his heart. As I’d done it, as I’d pushed into him so effortlessly, my whole body using the all of its strength, his arms opened instinctively and he welcomed me into a gentle hug, actually helping me to drive the knife straight into his heart. My own chest pushed into the butt of the hilt, placing the right pressure to make sure it went deep. After that, while he hugged me, I heard him whisper. “I’m sorry.” He said it sadly. “I never meant to hurt you. I’m sorry,” he said it again.
I whined and cried out a loud scream as I pushed with my whole body, sending his rolly chair back and standing, looking out at what I’d done. “It’s done,” he said, still trying to comfort me from afar. He let out a light laugh. He was happy. “It’s done, look. You did good, baby,” he comforted. “It’s gonna be okay.”
I stood shakily, trying to take stock of myself. I had blood on me everywhere. When I looked to the students they were slowly getting up and leaving, they had no urgency, no care. They weren’t moved or scared. They didn’t judge or even register what I’d done. It was just normal for them to see Ben and I like that. I wiped my forehead with my hand, smearing blood nervously along my skin without meaning to as I cried skittishly, covering my mouth with my shaking bloodied hand.
When I looked back to Ben it was over. He was dead.
I closed my eyes and fell to the floor on my knees. All my feelings rushed me and took me over. It was like the rainbow only dark. All those shades turned to black inside me.
My mind went thickly dark and all I felt were hands on my arms and my face. I felt restrained but also blinded like I couldn’t open my eyes. I knew I was being moved. There was so much talking but nothing made sense. I blacked out.
When I came to, I was so thirsty. I was in a hospital gown but I wasn’t in a hospital, I was in that room where we met Avery’s mom at that clinic. I was safe, clean. I was on a couch.
The fire was the first thing I heard and then saw. It calmed me instantly. The feeling was surreal, I never thought I’d be back there again.
There were other people there but they talked quietly and I couldn’t make out their conversations. None of them looked at me.
“Olivia?” I heard a familiar voice. My eyes fluttered over and it was her, it was Avery.
“Avery,” I said, my chest practically breaking from my relief in hearing her and seeing her again. All of a sudden I was completely awake. I wanted to run to her, hold her, but, for whatever reason, I felt immobilized. I couldn’t move.
“We have to talk about what you did,” she said, twitching. She seemed serious and worried. There was something odd about it all. She had thick yet classic black-frame glasses on and she looked so much more put together than me, somehow more adult. She had normal clothes on, business casual. In front of her, on her lap, a fancy leather portfolio sat in her hands with a yellow legal pad inside just waiting to have words on it. She held a pen and stared back at me almost blankly.
“O-Okay,” I said, shaken by the subtle differences in her and the situation as a whole.
“Do…” She swallowed hard, her eyes looking down at the blank paper. “Do you know what you’ve done?”
“I do,” I said. “I killed Ben.”
“Okay,” she said, taking a minute to register my reaction. I couldn’t tell. It might’ve made her cry, that answer. If it did though, she hid it well.
She bobbed her head up and down, twitching her lips and writing.
“Why are we here?” I asked.
“We have to evaluate your mental state,” she sighed.
“What?!” I asked, my hand moving to touch hers. I was restricted though. I couldn’t touch her, I was in cuffs. “Oh,” I said, realizing. The only reason to cuff me would be if... “I’m a threat,” I realized out loud.
“You’re not,” she said, so sure of it and so hurt by the suggestion that she needed me to know.
“But they think I am,” I said, meeting her eyes and seeing all the pain.
She took her eyes away.
“It’s better if you don’t know what you’ve done,” she whispered carefully. “If you don’t know they might put you in a place like this.”
“Otherwise…” I mumbled.
I laughed sickly. Otherwise it would be a prison. I was 18 years old. I was a woman. Murder of a bad man, for whatever reason, was treated more harshly than the torture and continual rape of an innocent girl.
I felt scared. Not because of prison though.
“Baby,” I said, looking up at her. “Baby, what’s happening? How did this happen?” I needed her to love me.
“I dunno,” she said sorrowfully. “It’s probably my fault though. I know that.”
I moved to touch her again, cut-off by the handcuffs, restricted again, they made that ugly soft clanking sound.
“It’s not,” I said. “It’s not. I was so mad. He should’ve been in jail and he wasn’t. I was just so mad.”
“I know,” she said, standing.
She held her portfolio loosel
y in her hand.
When she turned I noticed… She wasn’t wearing my ring.
“Are we not?” I asked, confused and nearly frozen by the mere idea.
“What?” She asked, wiping her eyes and looking down.
“What am I to you?” I asked, looking up at her too serious for my own fucking good.
“You’re my patient,” she said. “I’ve been sent to care for you.”
I laughed again, heart dropping as tears filled my eyes.
“Your patient,” I said, bitter and reeling from the events. She didn’t even know me.
Then I heard some singing. I looked around but couldn’t place it.
I closed my eyes and when I opened them I was back in the room, awake…
Out of instinct, hearing that noise, I groped for my phone and answered it quickly. The singing had been my ringtone. An instrumental sway of clinging violins.
“Avery? Avery?! Are you okay?” These weren’t my words.
It was Skylar’s voice talking. She sounded disturbed, upset, worried. I sat up quickly and lowered the phone. I had Avery’s phone.
“Skylar? It’s Olivia.” I tried not to panic. My eyes searched.
“Oh, thank god, you’re with her,” she sounded relieved.
“What? I?” I looked around. Avery wasn’t around. “I’m at home” I said, standing and holding my head as I went to quickly check all the rooms. “She’s not here. I think she left her phone.” There were clothes on the ground in the closet, her pj’s. She’d dressed and gone. I remembered her saying she was going to see Skylar. “She was with you, right?”
“She was,” Skylar squeaked. “But I asked her questions and she freaked out and she was calling your name and now she’s gone.”
“What do you mean, gone?” I asked, instantly angry. “Where are you?”
“I’m at school,” Skylar said. “She- Something happened. She was running away from me and she fell and hurt herself. The way she was acting-” I suddenly realized that Sky had been crying. “It was like she was blind and I wasn’t fast enough to follow.”
“You need to find her,” I said. “Skylar, you need to go find her.” I didn’t want to be a bitch but Avery wasn’t in her right mind.
“She doesn’t want to see me right now,” Sky cried woefully.
“Well, she can’t be alone,” I pushed, moving quickly to dress, not caring at all what I looked like or who would see.
I was out the door so fucking fast.
“She has episodes,” I said. “Did you mention Ben?”
“What? Well… Yeah,” Sky said. “I didn’t think-”
I cut her off.
“Can you please just look for her. I’m coming but I’m not at school.”
I didn’t like this at all.
Talking to Sky first thing in the morning after everything, it only upset me. If Avery was struggling, I needed to be calm and level right now.
I sped to school, running at the edge of two lights and trying my best to flush out the aftertaste of that sickening dream.
There were questions in my mind about what it meant but it didn’t matter. It was just a dream, just a stupid dream.
I could make it make sense or I could decide to not give it power.
That second option seemed the most useful for now.
There’d be time enough to stew on the little subtle problems going round in my head on days that didn’t involve Avery going AWOL.
When I got to the parking lot I realized I was still quite early for school.
I barreled into my spot and pulled the brake so hard I nearly caused myself to have a cramp in my bicep.
I ran out and tried to calm.
Skylar was outside, just beyond the fence, I could see her.
“Where is she?!” I yelled, a bit louder than I meant to.
“I-I don’t know!” She said as I approached. I touched her arm as she fell into me. I couldn’t deal with her pain right now. I didn’t have the time.
“I have to find her,” I said. “I’m sorry. I know she probably hurt you.” That was obvious by Skylar’s state. I’d been moving her with me further onto the campus. Letting her hold me but also trying to reach the person I sought.
I tried to think of where Avery would go.
“Where did she meet you?” I asked.
“The pool.”
“So she’s not there?”
“No,” Sky said.
I let go of Skylar and jogged to the drama room and looked in.
On my way back I saw Skylar just standing and watching me.
I sighed and jogged around to the auditorium. Sky was no help right now. Whatever happened had really shook her up.
The stage was empty. The piano sat in the middle, the curtains pulled open.
I jogged back out.
“I’m gonna check the classrooms,” I said, jogging to do it.
If Skylar couldn’t help she couldn’t help. I just couldn’t stop and comfort her right now. That felt wrong but it was true.
It could all be a misunderstanding. That’s what I was hoping for.
What scared me the most was that Sky said Avery’d been calling my name…
That meant Avery wasn’t right in the head. Why would she call my name if she knew I wasn’t with her? That scared me a lot. And I wasn’t there...
As the rooms kept winding up empty I felt myself begin to really panic inside.
I checked Ben’s room. That was pretty much the stupidest thing I could’ve done.
As soon as I hit the dark room I felt instantly sick and remembered the knife in my hand, it was like I could feel it.
When I finally found Avery she was in the last place I thought to check. My first class for the day. She’d been waiting.
“Baby?” I called, relief dowsing me like a flame to a wick, everything burned.
Her head shot up off the table she was sitting at and she turned, looking at me like I was the second coming.
“Olivia.”
“Hey,” I said, trying not to seem shaky as I felt her come into my arms. She scooped me up into a nearly violent hug. I held her back loosely, missing the feel. I was confused. “Are you okay?” I asked, leaning back a little calmer as I brushed her hair back and made to check her for injury or pain. Skylar had said she fell.
“Yeah, I’m okay. I’m glad you’re here though. I couldn’t call you so I came here.”
She was strange, a little like nothing had happened or even childlike in her responses.
“That’s okay,” I said, touching her face and pulling her in for a kiss.
Once my lips touched hers I felt the nightmare slipping away from me. The residue had left me feeling empty and useless until now.
My baby...
“Did you eat breakfast?” I asked. “We still have time if you want…”
I didn’t know what to do with her. Things like this would happen and I couldn’t imagine what went on in her mind or where she’d gone. All I could do was try to move on, try to help.
Skylar was outside. She’d see us if we left, try to talk to us.
I knew it but I couldn’t think of that now. I just wanted to make sure Avery was okay.
“I don’t want anything except to get today over with and go home. I hate feeling like this and I’m sorry. Skylar said some stuff and it just made me space. She blamed me for not wanting to be with her instead of Ben.” She took a breath, standing up straight and containing herself, sad anger touching her eyes.
“Hey,” I said, touching her face and hoping she’d look at me. “You’ve done nothing to be sorry about. And I’m sure Skylar didn’t mean to blame you or upset you. She probably just feels guilty. You don’t have to talk about this now if it’s hard. It’s okay.” I wish I’d gotten up. I wish the morning went differently.
If I’d been with her when she saw Skylar I could’ve tried to steer the conversation or at least appease Avery’s fears.
“You’re defending her. You didn’t even hear the
conversation,” Avery snapped but she didn’t pull away at least.
“Hey,” I said, trying to figure out where she was. “I’m sorry,” I said, deciding to let it go. She was right. I was trying to explain instead of just being there. “You’re right,” I said. “I wasn’t there.”