Paper Dolls [Book Five]

by Blythe Stone

  I was obviously joking. If she told me to burn it though, I’d have fun with that. I’d certainly try to read through the flame.

  Avery: No, you shouldn’t burn it. I’m not scared so much as excited. A little scared maybe but that’s just because I’m a giant pool of anxiety on a regular basis.

  Now I really wanted to read it.

  Olivia: I put my bathing suit on and I’m going out to the pool to read it. I wanted to give it attention and time, two things you will always deserve.

  I walked out to the chairs and got comfortable. The sun was high and I wanted to live the life of a goddess now that I was being selfish and greedy again.

  I took her letter up and unfolded it carefully. I was a little scared but I also wanted to know what it was she was so worried about in the first place.

  Avery: I’m shameless and want a bathing suit selfie. Also, sorry about the crappy handwriting.

  The least I could do was oblige her. I turned my camera mode on and held my phone up in the air, curling my body up in a way that I knew would fit it all. I made an innocent looking face and turned my eyes up just for show.

  The picture turned out perfect and I sent it right away since I knew she’d just die.

  Avery: *immediately changes phone background to this photo and then dies* You’re too hot for me.

  Olivia: I almost sent a naked pic

  It was a lie but it was fun to fuck with her. The other day when she mentioned having photos of me I thought she meant she had taken some while I was asleep. It was the kind of thing only a creeper who would do that would think.

  Avery: Stop. You’re going to kill me. I’m going to TRY and pay attention now. Thanks for ruining me. Love you xoxo

  Olivia: Awww. That’s right little puppet. Be good.

  Avery: I’m going to torture you later in the best way if you keep that up. Hush. I’m trying to learn.

  I took my phone and opened the camera function again. This time I was going to be mean.

  I tilted my head back and opened my mouth, touching my free hand to my neck and trying to make the picture seem the way I must look sometimes when she’s fucking me.

  It took a few shots, even one where I stared right into the camera. I got one that really drove it all home and sent it off.

  At this rate I’d never read her letter. It was too much fun to tease her all day. She was right, I guess we missed out on a lot of this when I was following her around.

  Avery: That’s it. I’m coming home. You’re the devil dressed in the body of the hottest woman I’ve ever seen.

  Olivia: Okay, quiet now. I really do want to read this letter.

  Once I started to read I crawled back in my head. Her handwriting was cute, it wasn’t messy at all. The letter started out sad though, all about life sucking and wanting to not cause me so much strife. She was letting me know she understood sometimes why I acted so upset or so cruel.

  She could excuse me but I couldn’t excuse myself. That was part of her letter too. She recognized all that.

  It made me feel good for coming home. I’d chosen to do that before reading this and that was me proving that we’d broken through one of our many walls.

  “It’s my mind that’s sick.” She’d said.

  That part wounded me inside.

  She had no control over these things and it pained her even more than it pained me. The thought of that was so so frustrating.

  As I got down further I felt my heart start to race.

  “I want to ask you to go with me to the therapist or at least to talk to them by yourself. I think we both need it.”

  I’d talked to her about this before. It hurt to see it there like that. It meant she wanted me to go to therapy but she hadn’t said.

  My heart instantly sank.

  I wondered how long she’d been feeling this way. Probably since the Friday before Napa. Since our crazy odd sex and our first few days away when I’d freaked us both out.

  I’d asked her then if she wanted me to go to therapy and she had said no.

  I’d asked her then if she thought I was sick.

  Again, she said no.

  I hated this… She’d lied to me…

  Her whole next paragraph just came off as her covering her ass for the suggestion…

  It was sweet as candy but I couldn’t taste it now. Not after that.

  Then she went into the shady topic of my dream.

  At the diner earlier on I’d been frustrated so I’d told her the truth. She always got me to that point where I’d stop being good and just let everything out as ugly as it was. I’d held back the part about Ben but she must’ve been able to tell because she was asking me again about what happened and telling me we could talk about it if I wanted to. She didn’t like not knowing what was going on in my mind.

  Given everything with Skylar this morning, bringing up the B word just seemed an idiotic venture.

  I didn’t know what to do about that. On the one hand I wanted to tell her. On the other hand I knew she’d freak out if she knew the whole thing. It hadn’t been a sweet dream. Ben had hugged me while I killed him. He’d helped me drive the knife deep into his own chest and he’d sympathized with me and called me: baby. Those weren’t things I could just say to her. She would freak the fuck out. I knew my lover. She would not take that news well.

  Every time I tried to talk about him it was a disaster with us. She’d only hear half of what I said, only understand half of my pain while taking in SO MUCH MORE of her own and all of it avoidable. It just seemed smart to avoid the topic of Ben. Saving her pain was a good thing. She’d already had enough. I could take a stupid dream. My dreams weren’t debilitating they just itched and left indelible marks but it wasn’t something I couldn’t take.

  The letter went on. She was adorable, wanting to swallow her pain and be there for me. I couldn’t ask her for that.

  “I think we met at the exact right and the exact wrong time.”

  “I’m not at my best and so you get to see the worst before it gets better.”

  She was so much better than I could ever imagine any other person ever being.

  After all that self-hate she brought up the trial and what it would feel like to have to see Ben.

  It was a bad idea. I knew that now.

  I always thought the whole concept of having a victim share the same room as their oppressor was archaic and wrong. With Avery now though, I was 100% sure that she personally should not have to endure that. I wanted there to be some other way.

  Olivia: Your letter was very sweet, baby. I don’t know how to feel about the whole therapy thing and I wish you didn’t have to ever see Ben again. I’m having conflicted feelings about those two things but I definitely want to go to therapy with you if you want me to.

  Avery: Don't worry about the therapy thing. I can ask them for tips for dealing with spouses who have PTSD myself and relay the info. That was the only reason I suggested that. And because I like having you around to hold my hand. Maybe l need to see him again.

  Sometimes I couldn’t tell if she was covering her ass or telling the truth.

  Olivia: Babe, if you think I need therapy I probably do. I know I’ve spent a lot of time driving us both up the wall. You don’t have to pretend you didn’t mean to suggest that. It’s okay.

  Olivia: What do you mean you need to see him again? Just me seeing him freaked you out.

  Avery: I don't think you need therapy. If you want to go then you should. I wasn't trying to say that you did. You needing to go for yourself never crossed my mind.

  Avery: Isn't getting on with your life easier if you face things that scare you though?

  Olivia: All I know is I was an idiot and I thought I needed to see him and that only hurt me and you too… You were right about my dream. It wasn’t so simple but I can’t talk about that right now. Nothing involving Ben is simple, baby.

  Even in text I said too much.

  The urge to throw my phone in the water was pretty str
ong. But my phone was my lifeline to her. I definitely needed it to work.

  For now I’d ignore the therapy stuff. Why she thought she needed to see Ben was beyond me. She got so mad when I went and talked with him. She completely freaked out.

  She always wants for things to be cut and dry. For me they just aren't.

  Avery: We had very different relationships with him. My freak out over you seeing him had a lot of variables affecting it. One of which was my overwhelming fear for your safety. I know he couldn't get to you physically but the thought of you being near him scared me. I figured he was probably involved with your dream somehow. Did he have anything to do with you being “crazy”?

  Olivia: I want to tell you about it but I think I should wait until we’re together and alone. I’m worried about what you’ll think of it. Okay… I don’t really want to tell you about it. It’s a perfect example of how fucked up my brain is.

  Avery: Aww, match made in heaven. Two fucked up brains. I’m all ears if you decide to tell me. I think I'm all episode-ed out for the day and you totally relaxed me with backseat sex so I should be fine. If it will help you to talk it out I'm your girl.

  Olivia: It makes me feel better when you understand me but things like this, I have a hard time justifying them. Maybe I’ll just write the whole dream out and let you read it. I just don’t want to tell you while you’re at school and far away.

  Avery: Yeah, it would be best in person. I love finding more Olivia puzzle pieces. It’s like winning a jackpot.????????

  Olivia: You’re just… You’re not going to love this, baby… That’s why I’m hesitating so much. I know you. I also know I hated it.

  Olivia: Why do you want to see him? Do you want to see him alone? Do you want to ask him something or is it just to prove to yourself that you can do it? I don’t understand…

  I’d somehow allowed us to move away from the most important thing…

  Avery: I generally don't love anything that upsets you but I think it's important for us to talk about it. I want to see him because I know it's going to be worse if the first time I do see him again is when I walk into the courtroom and he's staring at me. I need to ease into it. I can go alone or with you or your mom. Whatever makes it better for everyone.

  Olivia: I hate to say it but you might be right… I’d go with you if you want.

  I’d do it for her. I didn’t ever need to see Ben again. It was best if I didn’t. I was sure of that now. But if she needed someone, I would be there for her.

  Stage fright was real. Avery could freeze up on the stand. The likelihood of that was definitely up there. He was a monster to her, a scary horrible piece of shit monster.

  Avery: I need to see him as he is now. Reduced to being punished for what he did and still does to me and you.

  Olivia: He’s the same though, baby…

  What did it mean? She needed to see him restrained? Restraints were temporary. These cases were sometimes thrown out by the time these men stood trial. Ben getting much time wasn’t super likely. Who knows, maybe by the time the trial came he would’ve served half his time?

  I was pretty sure I had told her these things.

  Avery: In my head he's not human anymore he's not mortal. He's impossible to kill. I want to see the man and be able to know that I won't allow that image of him to have that power to turn me into a permanently sinking ship.

  She stole the air straight out of my lungs.

  My dream told me the one thing she’d been searching for.

  Olivia: I killed Ben in my dream and it was easy.

  That wasn’t the whole truth. Physically it was easy. Emotionally it was an ugly mess.

  Avery: I don't know what to say other than even in dreams you know and protect me like you were born to do it. Easy… You’re not someone killing would come easy to so I can only imagine...how did it happen?

  Olivia: I’ll write it out for you, baby. I don’t want to tell you this now.

  I shouldn’t tell her at all but I would. I couldn’t keep things from her.

  At the very least she’d feel comforted knowing how much weakness I see in Ben. Or how much of a willingness I see in him to give himself up. It’s complicated. I don’t know what I see. I just know that dream felt real. The end was shit but the beginning was real.

  Avery: Okay. Is it weird that I'm looking forward to reading it? I guess nothing about this situation is totally normal.

  Olivia: Weird? No. Predictable? Yes. You can’t know what I haven’t told you. I can see why the thought of me killing him would excite you. It’s all the other stuff that’s ugly and hard to take.

  Avery: It doesn't excite me. You killing anyone, especially for my sake, makes me unhappy because I know it would plague you. Of the two of us it would haunt you more. I don't want that burden for you. I'm looking forward to reading it because I have all these pieces of the dream and I want to put them together and find out what happens.

  Olivia: Not killing him haunts me more… Sometimes I wonder how many ugly things will be too many…

  I’ve told her so many horrible things about my mind and my past and how I work. It’s hard not to have fear for the one time when I’ve said too much. I really do believe that some people just deserve to be extinguished...

  All the things involving Ben are too much for her.

  She wants to face him and I’ll go with her but it won’t be worth it. He’s going to fuck us both up.

  If I hadn’t gone and seen Ben I would never have had that stupid dream. That dream was delayed; a byproduct of our secret talk and our secret life that was just ours and no one else's. My teacher, my only real friend way back when...

  Avery made me feel so wrong about all of that. She kept saying I was stupid. She didn’t say it in quite that way but that’s what she meant. I can’t forget that reaction of hers then or the potential for what he could say now after time has gone by and he’s had no one on his side. Her words from that day still echo in my mind.

  Baby, he’s not that smart...

  I hear her saying that to me all the time in my mind. She doesn’t know.

  I would like to see how he talks to her though. I’d like to see how he looks at her.

  My mind often flashes back to the lodge. I see how most of the times, when I was present, he wasn’t looking at her, he looked to me with regret, with apologies. He was always different with her.

  My mind muddles. I feel strange.

  I take my notebook out and write my dream down for her.

  By the time I finish it’s near the end of the school day and I know Avery’s coming home soon but I have a text from my mom about some lunch with one of her friends. I hadn’t been too present lately and I love Roberta so I really do want to see her and go.

  Olivia: Baby, my mom is going to some last minute lunch right now with an old friend. Is it okay if I go? If I don’t go now I might miss her, she drives home later today and we’re close.

  Avery: Go have fun. Tell your mom I said hi and I'll stop and get stuff for dinner. Just tell me what you want.

  Olivia: Hopefully it won’t be long. I hate being away from you. And I want what you want. Surprise me.

  Avery: Just think about the hug I'll give you when you get home. Your feet will leave the ground for sure. Okay, I'll make sure to get all the food you hate and I love. What a hell of a surprise.

  Avery: I'm not that mean. Ha! I'll walk around till I get inspired. Love you.??

  Olivia: Can’t wait to see you, really. Time apart just makes me sad. That hug sounds like a miracle right about now. I love you, I love you, I love you and I’ll say it forever. Te Amo.

  Avery: That text did two things: made my heart race and made me grumble because you 1-uped me. See you soon, but it will feel like forever. Je t’aime. P.s. these texts made me feel all grown up.

  I sighed. I didn’t want to make her feel all sad. I just wanted for us to be able to have our lives and have each other and have it be less of a fight.

  All t
hat stuff in the letter filled me up and ran races ‘round my mind. I wondered which concern would win out. If I distracted myself, with text battles like this and lunches with my mom and then getting attacked by Avery, life could be simple. I really wanted that.

  Olivia: Send me selfies. You are in debt.

  I’d keep it simple for now. For now we could just play. She sent me one right away of her in the back of study hall with a snapback on giving the camera her seductive face.

  Olivia: *arrow through the heart*

  After I showered and got ready I hid my dream in my car. Last thing I wanted was for Avery to find it without me and read it all alone.

  Later we could go into all that nonsense together. Right now it was time to be separate and just remember why we love each other. This was healthy. This was good.

  Chapter 5

  Avery

  I loved swimming and I seriously thought about changing my mind about practice. The actions of practicing were soothing but the social aspect was not. I didn’t need that right now. Hours ago one short conversation with Skylar had reduced me to panic. I felt weak, pathetic, and mad that I even felt that way.