by Blythe Stone
“Yeah, well,” she was trying to keep it together. “Olivia’s not anyone,” she said. “I just… I wanted you to know, despite what it looks like, I’m happy about this,” she said, touching my hand with hers and lightly twisting my ring. “I mean, I can’t be really happy. Of course I’d rather it be me but I know you’re probably better for her. I’m just. I get too easily worked up. She could get me to a place where I wanted to do certain things and that wasn’t okay. I mostly just wanted to love her and she wouldn’t let me and I let her make me angry and that was dumb. I’m glad she found a person she could trust to let in. I’m glad she’s letting you love her. That’s all I ever wanted to do.”
She laughed a little, bitterly, and took her hand away.
“I’ve thought about things a lot,” Nat went on. “And I didn’t want to do anything that could upset you, accidentally ruin Olivia’s life. I stayed away. Just in case. I want her to be happy.”
“You’re a lot sweeter than you like to let anyone see,” I said. “You were both lucky to have each other. I know I’d rather have a few months with her than nothing but it would still kill me if she chose someone else. I admire your selflessness.”
I typed a few things into my phone and then handed it over. “Put your number in. I’ll text you so you’ll have mine and if you ever want to ask anything, talk, or need something, you’ll have a way to get in touch and I’ll do the same.”
She took my phone reluctantly and punched her number in. “It wasn’t selfless… She just wasn’t like anyone else. There was so much more there. Just getting a text from her could change my whole week. She just didn’t know.”
She put my phone down and pushed it over. “Okay, I’m really sorry. This was dumb, I just had to make sure. I couldn’t stop thinking about it and when I saw you I just knew I wouldn’t be able to leave that place without asking you. I’d follow you around the whole store and try to imagine the things you did to her just by your body language...”
She scooted out of the booth after rambling and stood up. “Okay, well, I’ve already been annoying to you, already gave you a lecture and made you feel bad. None of that mattered. This mattered.” She tapped her finger down on the table and looked down on me, making sure I knew.
“Oh,” she realized, sitting back down and sliding into the booth.
I looked across at her, confused.
“If you have questions,” she offered. “Anything. About her, about us. You can ask, its fine. She’s kind of secretive sometimes. I get it. It’s not like I’m gonna go text her or anything. Last thing I want to do is see her all alone again.”
“Okay,” I sputtered. She was like a whirlwind. “Will do.”
I couldn’t think of anything right now. My brain was overwhelmed with the entire conversation.
“If you ever want to know how she’s doing you can text me. I know she likes to brush-off concern.”
“I trust you,” Nat said. “I have to trust you.” She was looking at me, telling me that it had to be. “I should trust you right?” She asked, needing my secure answer.
“You can trust me. I only want her to be happy too. She’s the most important thing in my life.”
“Yes but do you trust yourself? With her? Olivia is not a thing.” The wrong words about us could worry her tremendously and I was seeing that now.
“I didn’t mean it like that. You’re parsing. She comes first for me. I don’t even think about it. About the only way I trust myself is with her. I’d never hurt her. I’d rather hurt myself first.”
“All I’m trying to do is make sure,” Nat explained. “If anything I know can help you, I’m here. That’s all I’m trying to say. Believe me, I’ll feel a lot better knowing I trust you. It’s easier to trust another person with her than it is to trust myself.”
“I know,” I said. “It’s just hard to be challenged when it comes to her. I get kind of defensive about it. Sometimes I want to put her in armor, build a castle and a moat, so I can keep her safe but I also want her to live her life. I’d kill anyone that thought about touching her the wrong way.”
I was serious. Violence made me go to bad places and I hated that but for her I’d go anywhere, even the darkest, scariest parts of my mind.
I watched relief wash over Natalie. She calmed incredibly and then smiled, picking her drink back up. “You’re the perfect person for her,” she said. “I know I can trust you and you have no idea how much that means or how much I needed to know that, just for my own peace of mind. These last few months have been hard. And that wasn’t just about me being wounded. I can care less about my own stupid heartache. I love her but love isn’t about putting yourself first, it’s about the other person. I was genuinely worried and I had no control or knowledge of how she was. The last time I saw her she was depressed and sad and she broke up with me. I haven’t seen her since then. It’s been months.”
She was completely back to her old self now, relaxed, semi-cocky, definitely strong, but, at ease.
“Should I ask you what happened? You mentioned the papers…”
I laughed, stuffing back the paranoia that came up when she asked that. I still couldn’t help but look over my shoulder and around.
“I guess there’s no point in not telling you. Did you hear about the teacher from our school that got fired and charged?”
“What? Of course I heard. Olivia was in love with him.”
“She wasn’t in love with him. They were friends.” I shook my head. “Anyway, he got fired because we’d been a thing and he… Tried to… He raped me.” I never knew how to characterize what Ben did. So much was muddled up in relationship dynamics.
“Shit,” Nat said, brushing her hair back out of habit. Her eyes went somewhere else, they weren't seeing anything in this room. “Olivia knows, right?” She asked carefully. “I wouldn’t have said that before just to get at you. She wouldn't shut up about that guy. He was like her only real friend. He was closer to her than she let me be. God… Do you think he...”
She stopped herself from asking. I could see her thinking it through.
“Nevermind,” she said. “That’s horrible. I’m sorry.” She was definitely disgruntled by it all.
“That’s how we met,” I said. “He assigned her to interview me and she saw him talking to me and she followed us. She helped save me from him when we went on our ski trip. She did save me from him and myself. She made me feel like I wasn’t completely worthless. Loving her gave me a reason to live.”
Natalie took a deep breath in and gathered herself. I felt her take both of my hands in hers and pull them close to her and squeeze. “Okay,” she said, trying to find something to say. What I said had moved her. “I don’t have the right words,” she said, looking up at me a bit proud with tears hanging in her eyes just waiting to fall. “But I know now, I know you’re perfect.” She laughed awkwardly and took one of her hands away to wipe under her eyes carefully. “Okay, yeah, I should go,” she laughed. “Now, it’s time.”
She got up and when I got up too she pulled me in and hugged me so tight. It may have been the tightest hug I ever felt. “Thank you,” she said.
I hugged her back, no longer feeling weird. We had a connection. We both loved her, needed her to be safe and happy. I couldn’t help but wonder if we’d met another way… Would we be friends?
“Thank you too. I’m glad that she has you if she needs something. Just be there, okay?”
I needed Olivia to have someone she could turn to if anything happened to me.
“I’ll always be here,” she said, shrugging. “And I’ll text you, I promise. Just right now I think I need to just go somewhere and cry for about seventeen hours straight. I’ll get over it. It just wasn’t something I could get over without this.” She tugged on my hoodie and smiled. “I want to kiss you and love you a little but that’s fucked up so I won’t,” she laughed. “Just love her... Lucky bitch…”
The way she called me a bitch, it wasn’t like anyone else using
that word. It was soft and secret, almost like when Olivia called me baby right after we made love.
Nat hugged me again only this time it was looser and I felt her laughter tickle my ear. “You’re both lucky,” she said sweetly. “Enjoy it.”
“Someday, you’ll find someone who isn’t just someone and you’ll make them lucky,” I said back, shaking her a little.
“Yeah, gross,” she joked, pushing me away. “Okay, I’m going now.” She turned and walked fast and I watched her disappear.
I just sighed, tired again. There were too many emotional moments going on in one ten hour period. I knew I’d fall asleep early tonight as long as Olivia came to bed with me. I wasn’t going back to the store. I didn’t want to walk around and have to think of something to make.
Avery: I’m picking up Chinese. What do you want?
Olivia: What happened to the store? I want to know what Natalie said to you first… I’m on my way home, I’ll probably beat you… Everything okay?
Avery: I’m too tired to go back to the store. She just wanted to make sure I was good enough for you and she bought me bubble tea, which turns out I hate. She’s kind of ferocious but she means well. I’m just going to hit the drive-thru. I can’t wait to see you.
Olivia: Aww :( Ferocious? … I love bubble tea… You probably got the wrong thing. Wish I’d been with you :( We have food at home, you don’t have to pick something up if you’re tired. I can order delivery. Just come home, baby...
Avery: I always get the wrong thing, which is why I need you to order for me. I’m just coming home. I need a hug. Your ex-girlfriend rubbed her boobs on me. I’m still not really over it. Lol
Olivia: Come home! I’m calling for delivery right now.
Avery: Okay, driving now. See you soon. Love you.
I may have driven a little faster than I needed to because I made it home in fifteen minutes. Even without traffic that was pretty good. When I pulled up I saw her car and it made me even more anxious to see her. Four hours apart and I was hopeless.
I came through the front door, looking around for her. She wasn’t in the living room.
“Babe?” I called out.
I only had a second to register the sound of her feet running before she reached me and jumped up into my arms, nearly knocking me down with the force of her whole body coming up around me and latching onto mine in mid-air.
I caught her quick and felt her legs around my waist and her hands on my face as she pulled her body all the way up mine and she kissed me. Her love was so fierce she completely took me over in an instant as if it were her well-practiced occupation.
“I missed you,” she panted. A haze of love made her eyes so very potent. They drifted open and drank of me.
“I missed you too,” I said, carrying her to the couch and setting her down, hovering over to kiss her again. I didn’t stop, just settled my body on hers and felt myself finally relax because I was home.
“Texting with you is super fun and cute but I prefer this.”
“I prefer this too,” she said, staring. She was checking to make sure I was okay, that all my things were in the right place: my eyes, my nose, my lips. Her eyes traveled everywhere.
“You okay?” She asked, watching me nervously. She, more than anyone, knew that distance could estrange.
I laughed, pushing her hair back and threading my fingers through it. “Are you checking me out?” I kissed her cheek. “I think you know my body with your eyes closed by now.”
Her face flushed with redness and she tried to pretend she wasn’t embarrassed. “Well… You’re really sexy, sorry…” She said, completely giving up and letting her arms fall down to her sides and her head turn away.
“You should be sorry. It’s your fault,” I joked, stroking her temple. “I’m okay. Promise. Are you okay? I see you survived the afternoon with your mother.”
“Hey now, I wasn’t the one hanging out with your ex. My mother was the same. A little gushy about you and a little too happy about all this,” she looked around. “But nothing there was new. What happened?” Olivia asked, knowing.
“You wouldn’t want to hang with any of my exes.” I settled into the side of the couch, giving her a little space to lay. “We talked. She asked me a lot of personal questions and asked me about you and I really think she just wanted to make sure that I wasn’t going to hurt you.” I paused, thinking over the conversation. “Oh, and she said something really weird about how she thought about kissing me. What the hell was that? Transference?”
Olivia raised her eyebrow and smiled a very queer smile. “Yeah, I bet she did,” she seemed to be enjoying that news. “What kind of personal questions?” She asked, tugging on my hoodie just like Nat had done.
“What do you mean you bet she did? Is that something she’d do? Go around and kiss people?”
“If Nat likes you she usually just kisses you,” Olivia said, amused. “That’s how we started. I’m sure with you she had to hold herself back.”
“Wait? Likes you? Like, likes you?” I was somewhat troubled by that.
“When she’s turned on she’s turned on. She knows there’s no shame in that. Okay,” Olivia laughed, enjoying it. “You should see your face right now. I want a framed picture of this.”
“How do I miss these things?” I frowned and sighed. “I really thought she was probably just being funny or trying to make me feel awkward. Whatever, you’ve got a framed picture of me and it’s way better than my confused face.”
“This isn’t your confused face, this is your prude face,” Olivia laughed.
“I don’t have a prude face,” I protested. “This is me weirded out by the thought of kissing anyone but you. Also, she’s your ex.”
“Oh, believe me,” Olivia laughed. “You definitely have a prude face. Why do you take such offense from things like this? It’s a positive thing. You’re probably right. It probably is some twisted transference. Either way, it’s only her liking you. Not in a grossly sexual way, in a nice positive way. I’m not saying she wants to take you somewhere and keep you or anything.”
“I’m not taking offence. I’m just perplexed,” I explained. “I don’t see why she’d like me considering everything. I guess I can see though in a way. I’m close to you and she wanted to be. I know she doesn’t want to keep me. It’s just funny. She did flirt with me a lot but I figured that was just Natalie.”
“She likes that I like you!” Olivia nearly growled. “And she wouldn’t flirt with you if she didn’t like you. But also, she wouldn’t hold back kissing you unless she had a pretty good reason, which makes me know she trusts you with me and doesn't want to get in the way. I haven’t heard from her in a while. I was scared I’d hurt her feelings. I think I understand now. She didn’t want to upset you. I get that.”
“She just wanted you to be happier,” I said. “I think she’ll probably text you more often though. You should talk to her. I know she’d want to hear from you.”
“What’s there to say?” Olivia sighed, making a sort of, it’s out of my hands, expression. “She cares about me. She doesn’t want to get in the way of this. It’s good. It’s all good. But what did you mean about hurting me? What was that about? Like cheating on me? Or leaving me? Was she trying to see if you would kiss her?”
“I don’t think so,” I said. “I think she was thinking in more general terms. Any kind of hurting you was off limits. She wanted to know that she could trust me.”
Olivia paused for a second, thinking.
“She asked you about sex, didn’t she,” she said flatly.
“Yeah, she asked me if I hurt you.”
Olivia paused and stiffened. “And what’d you say?” She asked.
“I said that I never go full strength on you and that it helps you get out of your head when things get a little rougher. That you don’t need it but it helps sometimes.” I shrugged.
Olivia sighed. I felt her hands sort of pushing me so she could get up and move.
“W
hy’d she ask you that,” Olivia said, standing awkwardly and pacing a few steps before walking away to the bathroom and half closing the door.
“Probably to make sure I wasn’t some kind of crazy sadist that liked to hurt you for fun and to see how our relationship was different from what you two had.” My voice rose a little so she could hear me.
I knew that this all probably made her feel guilty again. The way she treated Natalie would always be something she blamed herself for.
I heard her running water. When I peeked into the open door I could see her gently splashing her face and then pulling a towel to dry it.
“Still,” she said, sort of broken.
She walked back out into the room and pulled her journal off the bed. “Speaking of sadists,” she said, pushing her journal into my chest, her eyes catching mine sadly, as she walked away to wait for the delivery man. “Nat wasn’t a sadist,” I heard her say back at me, from far off, as she opened the door and sat down outside on the steps obviously troubled and scared about what I said and what she’d given to me. “She liked to please me. That's all.”