by Blythe Stone
“Right now it helps me to be with you…” Olivia confessed. “It’s different than watching you at practice. Here I can see you working things out. I could feel you from up here… I don’t need anything from you. We don’t have to talk. I just really wanted to be close to you and I’m sorry if I’ve made it harder somehow tonight. I’m really sorry,” she seemed sort of sad. “Sometimes I miss you when we’re still together. It’s stupid… But it hurts. So it helps me sometimes, to be close.” She moved to get up and go back to her chair to place a little distance.
I lifted myself out of the pool and let the water drip off me a little before walking over and sitting next to her. “I didn’t mean that you shouldn’t be close. You know I see you right?” I looked her in the eyes and let myself feel it. “I get all dark and twisted up and if I don’t talk or do something I scare you even more. I’m just not sure which one is best anymore. It’ll be better. I just don’t have many ways to cope besides these things and talking to you. I don’t like hurting you. It sucks and it’s stupid.”
“I know you see me,” she said, staring back, her eyebrow peaking just a bit. “And I know you never mean to hurt me. I’ve always known.” Her eyes were traveling, tracing me a bit nervously. After a little while she moved to get up. “Well,” she sighed, at a loss for what else to say. “I’m gonna make myself eat something and put the food away. Come in when you feel like it. No worries.”
“I’m coming now. I’m tired.” I got up and held my hand out to her, waiting for her to take it. “I probably need a shower and about five years with a comb to get my hair untangled.”
“Well, I can help you with both of those things,” she said, comforting me as she tucked her left arm around mine and held my hand with her right hand, pushing into me with her body, not caring at all that I was sopping wet.
Chapter 6
Olivia
Trying to figure Avery out is actually getting a lot harder as the days go on. We’d been back to school for one stupid day and so many things had happened that I felt like I’d been up for several long days in a row without sleep.
When my mind would drift I’d remind myself of our lunch in the car. How she touched me so lovingly as she played me and watched me as I built. But my mind wasn’t given much of a chance to drift, not today.
From the second I woke up I’d been preoccupied with her. I did a good job splitting us up for a few hours but when she came home she was obviously going through so many more things in her mind than she usually was.
I’d gotten better at turning down the smoke alarms in my brain since the morning when I freaked out and brought up my dream. She just really had no idea what it was like trying to figure out what she needed.
If I just didn’t think at all, and I let myself be myself, our interactions would be five hundred times worse. She probably would’ve left me by now.
“Do you want me to shower with you?” I asked, as we walked through the French doors and the smell of the Chinese food hit me hard. I needed to really start eating better. This wasn’t me.
“You said you were hungry. You should eat,” Avery urged. “I can deal with all this.” She motioned to her body and I gave her a weak sort of smile and a nod of acceptance. I kinda liked when she told me what to do. It took some stress away. But my resolve was slipping. It had been a long ugly day.
Lunch with my mother, for the most part, was a spot of a relief. Roberta was so happy about the ring. She was thrilled to have been a part of my soon-to-be marriage. I showed her a few choice pictures of Avery and I and she completely cried causing my Mother to cry too. It wasn’t like sad bawling or anything. They were just happy and it was definitely cute.
My mom told Roberta all kinds of weird shit that my dad had said about it all though. Apparently he thinks I’m just going through a phase.
Can you imagine?
The hypocrisy kills me, it really does.
He thinks a lot of it is about him. About my wanting to get at him or defy him. A pure Freudian nightmare.
Apparently, the only thing he was remotely proud about was the connection of the way we both had proposed. Apparently, when my mother told him about that he completely froze and got this odd look on his face.
I hated that these were all things I had to find out second hand.
My mom had kept these things from me and I knew why. These were shitty truths, easier to reveal in front of a third party.
When Roberta asked me about the wedding I didn’t even know what to say. We hadn’t planned anything, we hadn’t even picked a date.
I never gave myself time to stop and realize how bad that actually made me feel. Sometimes it still just felt like some dream, like it never really would happen, and days like today did literally nothing but help and drive that point home.
I sat down on the couch and turned on The Voice. I ate the Chinese food semi-cold. I was too lazy to care. At lunch with Mom, I’d only managed to really get down my side-salad. Avery had been distracting me too much via text and all my mother’s new information had me too involved to really concentrate on eating.
I checked my phone.
Nat: Why didn’t you tell me about Ben?
Shit…
Avery must’ve brought it up.
Olivia: It was kind of a sensitive issue.
Was I supposed to just tell her everything now?
It was already a little too awkward.
All that talk about friends though made me know that Natalie was my friend now, my good friend.
Olivia: Why did you ask Avery about our sex?
Nat: He was close to you, Livia… Did he touch you?
How strange of her to ask me this way.
Olivia: No. He never touched me. Not like that. Not sexually.
Nat: Did you know he touched her?
Olivia: When I met her, no. I followed her though. I found out.
Nat: She said you saved her.
Olivia: She thinks I did. She saved herself.
God… Why did Avery think that way? I did nothing. All I did was be around. I was damage control more than anything. This extra person who just so happened to always poke her head around at the exact right time.
Olivia: You didn’t answer me. Why’d you ask her about sex?
Nat: Why do you think?
Olivia: I honestly don’t know Natalie… But it’s pretty odd.
Nat: Right. I’m the odd one.
Olivia: I didn’t mean that.
Nat: I know…
Olivia: You’re really not gonna tell me?
Nat: I needed to make sure she wouldn’t hurt you.
What did that even mean?!
Olivia: Hurt me how?
Nat: You always wanted me to hurt you but I knew you didn’t need it so much.
Olivia: What are you talking about?!
Nat: You didn’t need it, baby. It was fun for you. You liked it. It gave you a thrill but really you were just as satisfied when I’d kiss you for hours on end so don’t give me any shit.
Olivia: I’m not giving you shit, I just don’t understand. What did you think she would do?
Nat: I could’ve really hurt you Livia.
Olivia: You did sometimes…
Because I ASKED HER TO! WHY WERE WE EVEN TALKING ABOUT THIS?!
Nat: No. I mean. I COULD HAVE but I mostly chose not to.
Olivia: What, like you held back?
Nat: Exactly.
Wow. Okay. So apparently I’m the most fragile little flower in the entire state of California.
Nat: Asking the wrong person to hurt you could end up really badly.
Olivia: Well… She’s not the wrong person. She’s too scared to hurt me and things are pretty shit sometimes because of what she’s been through.
Nat: Yeah… I heard…
It was wrong of me to just be mad at Nat all the time. I should at least tease her or say something nice.
Olivia: So… Were you hitting on her today?
Nat: Ha! You’re hil
arious! *slaps knee*
Olivia: She said you wanted to kiss her.
Nat: Well, I did say that but that was more about wanting to give her something for being a good person for you. It was about gratitude.
Olivia: Okay… That's really fucking sweet Natalie…
Nat: I was worried about you, boo.
Olivia: Well, you could've just asked me...
Nat: Yea but I know you're semi-crazy. Your word is no good. Also, after my last encounter with the lil knight I was trying to let go and let God.
Olivia: Ew… Too noble.
Nat: Yeah… Pretty dumb, huh?
Olivia: I’m sorry I’m such a shit friend…
Nat: It’s okay. I’m the same way.
Olivia: Nah. You’re kind of amazing.
Nat: I know.
Olivia: Seriously though… Thanks.
Nat: I gotchu…
Olivia: *hugs*
Nat: *hugs back*
It was enough to make me want to cry. I didn’t deserve her. I never did.
Nat: Anyway… Have fun having weird sex ya lil freak.
Olivia: I’m watching The Voice and eating cold Chinese food… Your vision of my life is a fantasy.
Nat: Hmm… I’m gonna text your girl and tell her to punish you…
Olivia: Please do…
It was a joke but not really. Avery was off somewhere else in her head. The world was already managing to steal her away and there was absolutely nothing I could do about that.
Being around her wasn’t helping her. She even told me I was somehow making it worse.
She didn’t mean to say it and she probably didn’t even notice she said it but she told me that in more or less words.
I know in the morning I somehow messed everything up but how was I supposed to act? She told me to do what I want but then all my choices were wrong and she was just sitting across from me pretending to not even be there…
It wasn’t the greatest fucking time.
Then as soon as we split up she spent all her time texting me and writing me a letter.
Then we had AMAZING sweet sex and on and on and on. Our day was just like being shot into a pinball machine. I was just being smacked this way and that, sometimes it hurt like a bitch and sometimes I scored.
I’d really been trying to work on it though, on being manageable.
I didn’t feel too great right now. We were going into school again and I was losing her, really losing. What was all that at the pool? What was she saying?
And then she’d find the one thing I said that I wasn’t really worried about and she would worry about it and worry about it and fixate. What the hell was I supposed to do?
On the couch before, she brought up Skylar and she brought up Ben.
She kept bringing things up but when I talked back she would go inside herself. She’d act like I brought it up, like I needed to talk.
I was over it now. I could go the rest of my life without talking about Ben. That dream was a fucking wake-up call. That dream basically told me: you would kill him for her. That was actually really huge. It was comforting if I really thought on it and I knew I should take it that way. The end was stupid and would never happen. Avery was pushing me into therapy and she was trying to take care of me sometimes but she was kind of shit at it… Like, really shit.
I was getting so sick of talking about things. I just wanted to do the things I could do. Like therapy. Yes. Go ahead. Sign me up. If it can help, it’s worth a shot. Talking about the potential of it was completely useless to me. I just wanted to do.
Sometimes Avery glued herself to my side and expected me to be able to weather her moods. That was the hardest thing about us right now. I’d promised myself to try and have independence because of what happened with us in the past few months.
Yet, the second I wake up in the morning she needs me.
It’s terrifying. Of course I want to be there.
I heard the shower shut off and tried to clear my head. The show had been playing but I hadn’t been watching. I ate a little but not much.
I sort of didn’t want her to come back over to me. The chances of her actually settling down tonight were obviously slim to none. She was in one of those weird moods where nothing I did could be good.
I had no control. No say.
Yet she kept making me feel like I was some sort of loose-cannon or some broken bird or I don’t even know what.
When I heard her changing I got up and shut the TV off. I knew she’d come in and sit down by me if I didn’t so I started to clean up.
“Want me to heat you up a plate?”
“Yes, please.”
She’d swam a lot. She hadn’t been eating.
I threw the most Avery-esque items onto a paper plate and heated it.
She came up behind me when it was halfway through cooking. I felt her body come and trap mine against the counter.
Her hands touched down on my waist and I tried not to get excited but she smelt so good.
“Thanks again for getting food.”
“It’s no problem,” I said, reminding her. She was the one who insisted on making me something and then bailed.
I felt her move my hair to the side and kiss the crook of my neck.
“Mmmm,” I hummed. Upset as I was, I was always a sucker for her.
I tapped the prongs of my plastic fork against my bottom lip and shut my eyes just to feel her.
The microwave beeped and she reached out above me to pull the food out. I ducked just in time, almost getting hit by the swinging microwave door.
“Whoa! Sorry,” she said, balancing the hot plate over my head.
“It’s okay,” I said, touching her waist with my hand and handing her the fork as I slid out of the way and walked to the room. “I’m gonna take a bath,” I said loudly once I was there.
“Right here,” she said, leaning on the door-frame and sort of watching me undress as she slowly ate. She’d followed me.
“Oh,” I scoffed a small laugh. “Sorry.” I didn't think she was that physically close.
“Don’t be,” she said. “But you could’ve showered with me.”
“I know,” I said. “You said I should eat, remember?” I pulled my bra off and turned away quickly. I hadn’t been trying to invite her. I was just trying to relax.
“Yeah but I didn’t mean-”
“It’s fine,” I said, being short but not in a harsh way. I did use the word I hated though. It was sadly the perfect word for right now. She’d done that thing to me again, pushed me between a rock and a hard place.
I walked to the bathroom and set my phone down on the sink. I just wanted to remain unaffected. Avery’s suit was all wet on the ground. I looked over at it and sighed. I hated not knowing where we really were. It was constantly so very frustrating.
I felt and heard the door open a bit right behind me. My eyes shot up in the mirror to meet hers.
“Everything okay?” She asked.
“Yeah,” I said, no hint of it being a lie. I looked down at my phone and fiddled about to find my playlist and turn it on.
I walked to the tub and waited for it to get warm before plugging it up and adding bubble bath.
“Ahh, so you’re going to take a long bath then?”
“I just need to relax,” I said. She didn’t understand that a lot of our time together wasn’t exactly calming for me. She’d been playing me like a violin. All my strings were getting worn and loose and sometimes she’d wind them up tight without meaning to. If pushed upon- some of them could snap or split soon. I needed reprieve or at least a little care. I could become worn and thin at the end of a complicated day.
Just being left alone could remedy that…
I got into the bath and laid back.
I shut my eyes and used the bath pillow. There was a washcloth on the rail and I took it down and dragged it onto my skin with my eyes still closed.
“Want some help?”
“I want you to eat,” I
said, keeping my eyes shut. The violin concerto filled up my ears and soothed me. The warm water healed me as the bath rose and filled.
When I felt the water cover that certain spot on my body I used my foot to turn the faucet off.
The music was perfect. The water was perfect.
But then I felt Avery’s hand pushing the cloth along my skin.
“Babe,” I said, stopping her hand as I looked up at her a little pained. “Eat, please. I’m okay. I just want to lay here a bit.”
Stillness. I wanted to be perfectly still.
“Okay,” she said, setting the cloth aside and leaving the room. “I'll let you soak. Yell if you need anything.”