by Blythe Stone
Her posture was perfect and it made me want to run my hand along the line of her straight back and then along her thigh down to her knee. Instead, I leaned into her ear.
“You look amazing,” I whispered.
Her eyes closed and a smile played on her lips as her chest rose and fell a bit faster now and she felt me near her and touching her with only my voice.
She’d been playing still when I said it and she slowed her fingers little-by-little like one of those music boxes that needs to be wound. Eventually she slowed to a stop, falling onto the keys with her forearms and resting her head in a loud dramatic thump.
“Fabulous ending. The Russian judge deducted for the dismount though,” I teased, walking my fingers down her arm to where her head was sitting on it. I played with her hair that had fallen over her skin.
“I missed you,” she grumbled.
“I missed you too,” I said, tugging at her arm. “I want to see you,” I pouted.
She turned her head to see me. I watched her eyes open and stare. “You’re pretty,” she sighed after her eyes searched me a little while.
“Thanks,” I chirped. She was giving me one of those love-drunk looks that made me feel all typical, like a girl in a romance novel. I stroked her cheek with my hand.
“You get prettier every day. Did you know that?”
“Nope,” she said, rather serious. She smiled though after watching me a while.
“Well, you do,” I said, serious myself. I put my arm up on the keys and laid my head on it so I could look back at her. “It’s not just the outside. I love your crazy brain and your big heart.” I said it matter of fact, like I felt it. I was just happy to see her.
She laughed and slowly pushed herself up off the key, turning and falling down onto my back and hugging me. “I can never deserve you,” she whispered, pushing my hair to the side and kissing my face as she moved her arm to reach under my hoodie and shirt and rub my back.
“Mmmmm, yes you can. If you keep rubbing my back you deserve every bit of me.” I moved a little closer and sighed in happiness.
“How was your day?” I ventured.
“Odd,” she said, a strange lilt to her voice.
“You wanna talk about it?”
I pulled my hoodie up a little so she could get at my back better. This really was like heaven.
“Mmmmm,” she said, touching me liberally now, with both of her hands. Her right hand was scratching, light and slow, nails dragging. “I dunno, it was rather strange from start to end... What was your good news?”
“Oh, Skylar and I had a talk and everything seems to be smoothed over. We’re still friends and she’s staying on the swim team.”
I wasn’t going to forget though. If she didn’t want to talk about her day it was fine but I didn’t want her to sit with something if she did want to talk.
“Really?” Olivia asked, semi-skeptical. “So, you were good to her then?”
“What do you mean?” I was taken aback, not too much, but I did frown.
“Well… She found me this morning at the cafe. Did she tell you about that?” She flattened her right hand lovingly on my back and began to rub again instead of scratch.
“Yeah, she said you talked.” I let myself relax again under her touch.
“She looked so beaten down this morning,” Olivia said. “Are you sure she was really okay? I made her laugh and she said she hadn’t laughed like that, really laughed, since the days before the party...”
“I told her she looked less than her usual self and we talked about it and I really think that things are going to be okay. She seemed lighter, at least, when we left. We made plans to hang out Friday.” I shrugged, not knowing what more I was supposed to do.
“That makes me happy,” Olivia said. I felt her lips on my back, she’d pushed my clothes up and she was placing gentle kisses on my skin, tracing me with care.
“Me too,” I said. “She was worried about if she could come to the wedding and I told her she had to and that she was going to be my other maid of honor.”
“I think she might have hated us if we didn’t invite her,” Olivia said. “When I brought it up she got all happy and dazed. It was sweet.”
“Yeah? That’s nice. I got the impression that she was excited about it.” I was starting to get distracted by what she was doing inbetween talking. I shivered as she got close to my side.
“I have a feeling she might faint if she sees you in a white dress.” I felt her lay the side of her face on my skin as she hugged me again.
“Oh god. I haven’t even thought about what I would wear. I don’t want anyone fainting.” I laughed and turned, moving her body into mine more. “Have you thought about it? What you’ll wear?”
“I thought of asking you what you’d like me to wear,” she said. “I thought a woodland wedding would be nice. Something intimate and simple. But I want you to have the wedding of your dreams. I don’t really care much about weddings usually. I’ve never really dreamed much of my own before you. I didn’t think I’d ever want a wedding, truthfully. But I want one with you.”
“Oh, a woodland wedding. That sounds amazing.” I leaned back, getting a dreamy feeling. It floated up, getting me a little drunk from the thought of us getting married in a beautiful forest. “Definitely small and intimate, natural and nice. Maybe we could have a tiny reception thing, rent a cabin or something. And the honeymoon in the summer.”
“We could always just rent a house on a cliff…” She suggested. “Big Sur… Sunset wedding… What do you want?” She asked, placing her hand in mine and sitting up too, letting my shirt and hoodie fall back down.
“That sounds perfect,” I closed my eyes and imagined it. “Yes, that one. I’m not super specific in my thoughts. That’s the hard part. I’m really not that picky but I just want it to be small, simple, and gorgeous.”
I was sad that she stopped with the back rubbing. It would have put me to sleep if she did it for much longer though.
“Are you tired, sweetie? We can take a nap.”
“I always get sleepy when someone rubs my back. It just puts me out like a light, doesn’t matter how hyper I am sometimes. It’s like an Avery tranquilizer dart.”
“Mmmhmm,” she hummed. “I’ve noticed.”
“Yes, by the end you’ll know all my secrets,” I teased.
“The end of what?” She asked, curious.
“Mmm, when we’re old and sitting in rocking chairs by the fire. By then I’ll tell you the last secrets or you’ll whittle them out of me. Not bad secrets. Just little things I don’t even think of myself until they come up. No one has rubbed my back like that in a really long time so I didn’t even remember how calming that was until you started to do it and I got some flashes back to when Mom used to calm me down by rubbing my back.”
“I like touching you,” Olivia said. “Come on, let's go back to the room.”
“Okay.” I lifted myself from the piano bench and twirled around to grab her hand and pull her toward the door. “I don’t have any homework so we can do whatever you want. I’m so open to suggestions right now.” I smiled at her, a little evil and a little sweet.
“I was just going to get these tops off of you to make the back rubbing a little easier,” she said. “I like calming you,” she sighed. “I think I’m addicted.” I watched her run her free hand through her hair and breathe in the fresh air as we walked outside.
“I like this plan. We can get in bed and continue the back-rubs unless you’d rather watch TV or something. I don’t care. I know I’ll get so hypnotized and lethargic, it won’t matter.”
We walked out past the pool and into the guest house where I stopped to let her lead.
“Come on,” she said, tugging me along.
When we got in the room she pushed my shirt and hoodie up and off me.
“Lay down, sweetie,” she said, moving her hair behind her shoulder on one side and turning the tv on low just for some background noise.
I soaked it in, this feeling of calm and anticipation. I crawled up onto the bed and unhooked my bra before laying down. I could hear the pleasant buzz of TV voices and the sound of her moving. I was already relaxed.
She crawled up next to me and I could feel she’d taken her dress off as her skin touched down on my side and then her hand began to rub my back again.
She cleared her throat. “Better?” She asked sweetly.
“So much,” I groaned with happiness. “You’re too good.” I sighed and just felt her moving her hands on me. “That is so good.”
“I’m glad,” she said. After that she was quiet as she pet me. I could feel how calm she was. Her breathing was even slower than it was before at the piano.
“Your magic hands strike again,” I sighed, loving that she had taken her dress off. “I can feel you beside me too. So good.”
“This is my favorite part of the day,” she said, leaning over more to kiss the skin over my shoulder. Her body pressed into my side securely as she continued to pamper me.
“Mine too. When we wind down and just get to be with each other.” I could feel when she moved over more tense parts of my back. “S’nice.”
I turned my head on the pillow so I could see her.
“I’m just happy to have a good day. I think I appreciate them more now.”
I blinked slowly, fighting sleep. I didn’t want to doze off now. I wanted to see her.
“How are you? I gotta make sure my baby is good.”
She laughed and smiled. “I’m alright,” she said. Though she was laughing, she was rather serious today somehow. “I just like this.” Her eyes moved to watch her hand as it moved. I saw them return to me and flicker. “I like knowing you feel good.”
“I do and it’s being directly caused by you in this very moment. I’m glad you’re alright.”
“I did some risky things today,” she said, her eyes falling a bit. “Yesterday kinda kicked my ass into high-gear. I’ve been upset with myself...”
“What risky things?” I asked. My eyes blinked closed and open again. She was still looking down.
She sighed.
“I talked to the counselor at school,” she said. “And went to a therapist while you were at swim.”
“You did?” I almost got up but I didn’t want to upset her and I didn’t want to lose this feeling of calm. So, I stayed where I was. “How was it?”
“Weird,” she said simply. She shut her eyes and breathed deeper.
“Weird how? Sounds like it wasn’t good or bad,” I added.
If she was doing therapy now I felt like I had to go soon.
“How did you set it up?”
“Last night after we talked I just knew I wanted to fix myself,” she said. “Or, to try,” she corrected. “I didn’t like the way I’d gotten in the morning. Or how upset I got inside when I thought you said I needed therapy. I just felt… I felt like I could at least try it. I felt like I needed help… This morning I text my mom how I was feeling. She called me right away and told me she’d help… I already knew I was going to see that counselor to ask her about PTSD… I just felt sick with myself for putting important things off. When I do things I do them all the way.”
“I know you do. I love that, how you throw yourself into things full-tilt. What did you think of it? The therapist, and what happened?” I laughed. “I’m sorry. I’m badgering you for all these details. I feel like I’m asking too many questions at once.”
“I dunno,” she swallowed sadly. Her voice got so quiet sometimes. “I just sort of feel a little more vulnerable right now… They didn’t really help me. They just sort of made me more worried… I had three different people today imply that I’d been through trauma.”
“Do you think that’s true?” I sniffed and turned, pulling her into a hug. I just wanted to take that confusion away from her. I could feel the rawness of her emotions. She didn’t mean to but it just rolled off of her.
“I didn’t like people asking me if you hurt me,” she said.
“Who asked you that? Hurt you physically?” Now, I couldn’t help the rapid-fire.
“Everyone asked me that, sort of,” she said. “Including my mother,” she sighed. “And both the counselor and my therapist asked me about trauma. It just wasn’t what I was expecting I guess. I thought they could help me with my thoughts. They just gave me more fears.”
“What kind of fears?” Now, I started to rub her back. It was automatic as soon as she said fears.
“The counselor, Mrs. Daniels, stressed the severity of your dreams. Mrs. Daniels asked if you’d ever hurt me on accident. Like, coming out of the dreams. I guess that happens… When I said no and got upset she said it was something I needed to be aware of because it could happen.”
“Oh, that’s… Heavy.” I didn’t know what to say. I was concerned for her now and a little upset about what it implied. That I could hurt Olivia even if I was waking up from a nightmare. It scared me.
“Only the counselor asked about you physically hurting me,” she said. “When I asked my mom about therapy she suggested maybe we spend some time apart. I didn’t like that.”
“Time apart? A lot? Or like we’ve been doing the last few days… Or, trying to do.”
I shrugged my shoulders and kept rubbing her back.
“I didn’t ask for clarification,” she said. “I just said no.”
“Oh, okay. I can see why you’re feeling vulnerable. That’s a lot of stuff to process in one day.”
I wanted to support her and not take anything like it was about me. It was hard because some of her issues involved what happened to me and how I was acting. She thought she was the one that complicated my life. Really, it was the opposite or maybe we each brought our own little storms. Whatever, I brought Ben’s heinous actions to her attention so it was me.
“I liked talking to Mrs. Daniels I guess. She was helpful. But another girl came in and needed her too... That girl seemed far more damaged than I was at the moment so I had to bow out. Mrs. Daniels gave me pamphlets though if you want to see. And she gave me her number.”
“Good. Maybe you can go back if you want. She gave me pamphlets too when I saw her.” I was still focused on the part where I could hurt her.
“Vivianne was strange… With her I felt more like a subject. I don’t like it when people pretend to not be people… Her questions were more neutral and they seemed to bounce from this to that. I tried to understand her process but in the end I realized it wasn’t even worth dissecting. I’m just going to go and let it happen and see if it helps.”
“Was she cold?” I didn’t know if I could go to her if Olivia didn’t like her.
“She wasn’t cold, no,” Olivia laughed. “She was actually kinda hot… And I made a cat friend… I just felt like she was condescending. She tried to be too neutral and to me that comes off as pure bullshit. Mostly because I know how to do that...”
“Oh, now I have to go see her. Now, that I hear she’s hot.” I snorted.
“If you want I’ll call and get you an appointment. I wasn’t sure what you’d want. I was scared to tell you I was going. I was scared to tell you any of this…”
“That would be good. I’ve been thinking really hard about it and this is perfect in a way. I’m a little jealous that you got in before me but I’ll forgive you if you promise to rub my back all the time now,” I teased.
“You shouldn’t be jealous. I really didn’t feel relief after that…”
“I’m not really jealous and I’m sorry you didn’t feel better after. I think it just happens that way sometimes. Do you feel any better now? You want me to play you a song or something?”
I struggled to think of anything I could do to make her feel better.
“Being calm with you makes me feel better. I just like your voice,” she said, pained. “I just feel kind of weepy…” She confessed. “I don’t like feeling helpless like this…”
“It sucks. Powerless or vulnerable feelings can
drain you.” I stopped rubbing her back and leaned backwards and looked at her for a moment before I kissed her.
“There, let me start working my real magic,” I said and wiggled my eyebrows at her.
She laughed lightly and scrunched her forehead as she hugged me tighter with her body, wanting to feel closer to me.
“You’re too cute. It hurts a little to look at you sometimes… In a good way.” I turned my head and kissed her neck. “I’m glad you at least got some good out of talking to Mrs. Daniels.”