by Blythe Stone
“Not mad, no,” she lied.
“Sky,” I said, openly staring at her.
“You just shouldn’t let her be all over you like that.”
“Like what?” I scoffed. We hadn’t done anything. Sky couldn’t know what it was like. “Have you ever had an ex?”
“You have to have a real girlfriend to have a real ex,” she joked dryly.
“Hey, I never let Nat have this part of me before,” I said quietly.
“What do you mean?”
“We weren’t friends before. I kinda used her for sex.”
“Used her how?”
“It was the only thing I let her do with me,” I said sadly.
I looked off at Nat, seeing her smile.
“She’s a good person,” I said. “I’m a shithead.”
“You always tell me crazy things,” Skylar noted.
“I just don’t want you to think this is some light thing I’m doing. Nat was always deserving of more. It was my fault we never got closer. I decided she wasn’t worth it. And that was bullshit. It was mean.”
“You kick yourself too much Olivia. You’re like an abused puppy sometimes, I swear.”
“That’s a strange thing for you to say.”
“Doesn’t make it any less true.” She was being unforgiving right now. It was my fault. I knew that much.
“I guess,” I said, turning back to see Natalie score again.
Avery looked over at me. I gave her a soft smile even though I felt like shit.
“Anyway, I tried to tell Avery this was a stupid idea. This is the first time I’ve seen Nat since we last slept together.”
“What?” Skylar looked at me shocked.
Avery turned around a second to check on us but then she was back in her game.
“Yup,” I sighed. “It’s been months.”
“So you just sort of told her to fuck you all the time?”
“Pretty much,” I said. “Nat’s smart. I didn’t have to tell her. She paid attention, picked up on cues. I never had to say anything twice. She could sense what I liked and what I hated. She made a game of learning me, finding my buttons and pressing them. She’s really smart. Smarter than she thinks.”
“Sounds dangerous.”
“The opposite,” I said, staring off at Nat and remembering her now, all of her. “She was perfect for me, I just wasn’t in love with her.”
“Sucks to be her,” Skylar said, feeling a kinship with Nat due to that statement.
“She deserves better anyway,” I said, speaking to her too.
“Okay, the way she looks at you is intense,” Skylar laughed.
“You see it?” I asked, surprised.
“Of course I see it. Why do you think I was so pissed with her touching you?”
Skylar was lighter now that we’d talked. I think she was worried about Avery. I got that. It made sense.
“I lost a bet,” Skylar said.
“What do you mean?”
“Nat’s going to take me to a strip club after this.”
“Uh-oh,” I laughed. That probably wasn’t a good idea. “You are so in trouble,” I laughed way louder than I meant to.
“Why?”
“You’re just no match for her, believe me,” I mused.
“Hey! What the hell is that supposed to mean?!” She seemed upset by that.
“It means, it’s terribly easy to get a rise out of you.” Skylar couldn’t even go one hour without getting physical with Nat. We’d seen that already. Before when it happened Nat was obviously pissed. I couldn’t believe Avery yelled at her. Nat and I laughed about it though. We knew where it was all coming from, knew why. “She will eat you alive,” I said simply.
“Yeah right,” Skylar said, miffed.
“Okay,” I teased. “I bet you anything though she’ll have you eating out of her palm by the time the night’s through.”
Knowing Nat, Skylar would be getting a very private lap-dance after this. They wouldn’t make it to a club. They’d be lucky to make it a block away from here before the real conversation actually did start. Once they were alone Skylar would see. Nat wasn’t one you could easily resist.
I turned my head back to check on Avery and noticed Nat was kissing her, really kissing her. It was like that kiss Avery and I had shared only moments before. Only it wasn’t our kiss, it was their kiss. I had no part.
The sight sort of arrested me. It made me curious. Mostly though it just made me feel strange. I didn’t know why it was happening. They both seemed sort of sad. That was the strangest part.
When they broke away I heard Skylar speaking but I couldn’t bring myself to care about words. Words weren’t important sometimes. My stomach hurt and I held it.
Avery was immediately defensive once she came back into herself. I hated when she did that. I hated when she downplayed important things and kept secrets.
My eyes decided to follow Nat.
Something was up…
Soon as Skylar mentioned it had been some bet I knew what must’ve happened. No wonder Avery had been so mad before Nat had kissed her.
It was stupid though, it all was.
I chased after Nat only catching her just outside her car.
“Hey,” I said, stopping her. “Wait.”
“This wasn’t a good idea,” Nat said, her back turned to me. “Your girl gets too jealous,” she sighed. “I shouldn’t be around you anymore.”
“Hey,” I said, touching her waist so that she’d turn and look at me.
When she turned I touched my hand to her face and noticed she was close to tears.
“Come ‘ere,” I said, pulling her in for a hug.
Her body felt so familiar against my own. Touching her had always been this important thing. It was hard to not know that and not feel it.
“That other girl will definitely hate me too now,” she laughed.
“Who, Sky?” I laughed too. “She just loves Avery. She’s all defensive. You’ve seen them, they’re both like that.”
“Weird,” Nat sniffed and laughed a little. I kept holding her. We didn’t need to stop.
“I’m sorry we haven’t…” I tried to apologize in person. It didn’t work.
“It’s okay…” She said anyway.
We didn’t even have need for full sentences. She knew what I was sorry about. She didn’t want me to be sorry.
“Your girl’s soft,” she teased, finally pulling away.
“She is,” I laughed through tears. Avery was an excellent kisser. So vulnerable yet so strong. She could just really keep you. Make you know you were hers...
“I would’ve kissed you,” she said. “But I promised her.”
“What?”
“Before,” she said. “I told her I knew she was right for you. It was true.”
“Okay,” I laughed awkwardly. Nothing had to be as serious as everyone was making it. I think that’s what bothered me the most about tonight. So they kissed, so what?! It was hot. It probably turned them both on. But Avery loved me more than life. That was clear. I’d learned that by now. It was a concrete fact.
“I hate that we never got a goodbye kiss,” Nat said, staring at me all broken and serious.
“Okay,” I said, deciding that I did, in fact, owe her. Deciding, that this was something I could do. Nat wasn’t allowed, due to honor. But I’d just seen Avery kiss her and Avery had kissed Sky. It’d be fine. “Come ‘ere,” I said. I wanted to let myself kiss her one last time.
I used my hand to pull her in and give her a proper lover’s goodbye.
As we kissed I felt her tears on her cheek and my tears falling from tasting her hurt. I had to let this go. I had to let this guilt go.
Nat kissed me back sweetly. She’d never kissed me so sweet. I felt her breath hitch. I felt her let herself be real with me, be soft. All our kisses were usually some preamble. This one was just so.
We never kissed like this. She had always been playing a role for me: the strong one, the sexy on
e, the girl that stood out among the rest.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, really feeling her as my forehead pressed to hers. I kept her close. It was all my fault…
“You deserve so much better,” I said. “I was a jerk.”
“You weren’t,” she said. She was always defending me. I had to finally accept that I could never fix or explain what I had done to this beautiful caring person.
“I was,” I said, defending her this time. Natalie needed some defending. No one else did that for her. She had built up this shell. Even I had been unaware of how much she actually cared.
“Anyway… I have a date with that girl now. Figured I’d try.”
“You don’t have to,” I said. “Sky’s great, I really like her. She’s real and she’s hilarious.”
“She’s pretty,” Natalie shrugged. “She’s just not you.”
I didn’t know what to say after that.
“I think you’ve built me up to be this person I’m not.”
“You’re sensitive Livia. You’re sensitive and you’re quiet and you’re brilliant.” She sighed heavily. “Other people are boring. That’s my thing.”
“I’m boring too,” I said.
“You’re not though,” she completely disagreed. “You haven’t had a life like most people. You know what it’s like to be pushed into things by your parents… To become something you probably never would’ve been and all for reasons that make no sense even to you. We’re a lot alike,” she said. I never realized how much she thought about all that.
“With you I found someone I thought I already knew… I dunno how often that can happen.”
I got that… That’s how I felt about Avery.
Avery instantly felt like a part of my heart, a part of my home.
I couldn’t think about how stupid it was that Natalie never told me. I know that was my fault more than hers. I silenced her. I made her feel like she couldn’t be herself or say the things she wanted to say. She’d tried to be the nonchalant one while she was screaming inside and vying for my touch and my attention. I just didn’t know. In a lot of ways with her I’d been a bit of a monster. She would never see it that way.
No matter what, it was time now for me to let it all go.
“Anyway,” Nat sighed. “Thanks for seeing me again. Even if it was a disaster.” She ran her hand through her hair and smiled it off, strong as ever.
“It was a good mess,” I said, labeling it.
“Only you would think that,” Nat laughed. “Your girlfriend probably wants to kill me right now.”
“Probably,” I laughed. I looked back toward the building and noticed Sky and Avery talking inside.
“I should go,” Nat said.
“What about the strip club?” I teased.
“Shit,” she laughed. “You know about that?”
“Mmhmm,” I teased, sizing her up. We had some distance now. Distance was healthy for us I think, it was good.
“If she wants to go I’m still up for it. No pressure.”
“I’ll go in and ask,” I suggested. It was obvious to me that Nat didn’t want to run into Avery again unless Avery wanted to run into her. She was smart. Always smart. Always knowing when to push and when to pull away.
“Thanks,” Nat said, sniffing as she watched me turn to walk away.
I could hear the rev of that man’s motorcycle as I made my way across the parking lot. His kid was holding onto him and they were slowly moving from the edge of the parking lot back to the entrance. I waved. The young boy waved back.
The place was getting a bit busier now. I noticed it was sort of crowded in the entrance since people were in line for nighttime laser-tag.
“Hey,” Sky said as I came close enough to hear.
“Nat’s gonna take off. She said if you still want to do that thing she’s definitely up for it.”
I watched Sky and Avery exchange a glance.
“Go,” Avery told her. “Have fun.”
Avery pushed her just a little and Sky smiled a bit embarrassed.
“K,” she said, more to Avery as she was staring at me. I pulled Sky into a hug, forcing her to hug me. “You don’t have to,” I said.
“I know,” she spoke condescendingly.
“Lemme know if you need a getaway car.”
“I’ll be fine,” she chuckled as I finally let her go. I could tell she was still a bit mad at me somehow. She’d always have Avery’s best interest at heart. I kept having to remind myself she was Avery’s friend, not mine.
I turned and waved as she walked out of sight. I hugged my arms around my body after that, unsure of what to do or say.
I wasn't sure now what would happen. That whole outing was just super disruptive for Avery and I. I wasn’t sure what kind of night we’d have now. I was kinda scared actually…
I dunno why they kissed. I didn’t even want to ask. I knew I didn’t need to. If she wanted to talk about it that’d be fine. I wasn’t going to pressure her though. I just hope she knew I wasn’t mad. Whatever it was, I was sure deep down that it was a one-time thing.
I tried to set myself back to a few minutes ago, to her holding me calmly, to the place where I could imagine us on a motorcycle in the sun. It was too cheap though, I needed to talk to her.
“You okay?” I asked, turning to see her and check.
I already knew the answer.
That’s why it took me so long to ask in the first place.
Of course she wasn’t okay.
That whole afternoon had gone nothing like she had planned.
Chapter 17
Avery
“I’m fine.”
She didn’t know I’d seen them kiss or about the chest sucking pain I’d felt the second I saw her kissing someone else. That’s what it had to feel like when she saw Skylar kissing me. I knew that exact feeling now.
“Please don’t lie to me,” Olivia said. “I don’t know what that was but I know it’s not something you just forgot.”
“I don’t want to talk about it right now. I’ll just get pissy and you’ll get pissy and then what’s the point?”
I felt dull, like a knife that had been used for years.
“I’m sorry,” Vi sighed, letting her arms fall down off her body as she faced me. “I haven’t seen Natalie for months. That was weird. I didn’t know how to be.”
“You’re right though, we don’t have to talk about it. Come on.” She didn’t take my hand. She just turned to walk out to the car.
I stood there for a second thinking about how she’d taken care of me that night of the party. It wasn’t fair. I wanted to crumble. I wanted to scream but I couldn’t. I was silenced.
I just followed her out and got in the car. I didn’t even realize we were moving until we were on the highway.
“I kissed her goodbye,” Vi said.
“Uh huh,” I said and rubbed my temples.
It was only an acknowledgement. I couldn’t do anything else.
“I think I needed to let go of that guilt. Seeing her made me realize. Anyway, I’ll shut up now. I just wanted you to know,” she said nervously.
“Did it work?” I asked. “Did you let it go?”
“It helped,” Vi said. “Neither of us had closure. It felt like that. It was an i’m sorry kiss…”
“Good,” I said, sinking down in the car seat.
My hair fell forward and I pushed it back. It didn’t matter. If she needed to kiss Natalie to get closure then fine. I was just going to have to swallow the jealousy that rose like bile in my throat. It burned to know that she’d been kissing me not long before that.
“You’re mad at me,” she noticed. I could feel her eyes avoiding me, staring out at the road. “Great,” she said flatly.
“I’m not mad at you,” I wasn’t lying. “Promise.”
How could I tell her what I was feeling when I didn’t even know how to put it together inside of me.
When she finally looked over at me there were tears hanging
in her eyes. “I didn’t even want to do this, Avery,” she swallowed, turning back to stare out at the road.
“I know. It’s my fault. I set it up and I should have known it wouldn’t be a normal night. I’m sorry. I swear. I know this was a shitty night for you in a lot of ways. It’s a lot to deal with.”