Just leave him alone, I think fiercely, my mind flashing back to that happy, tiny thug holding my finger, my eyes watching the sun dance over Max’s lovely, soft, golden skin in the back of the car. Hasn’t he dealt with enough? Leave my baby alone.
Daniel
Two things are happening in our lives right now: firstly, Dad is running for Member of Parliament for our area.
This is extremely exciting. Debbie, who works for Dad, is around all the time, and so is Lawrence, who also works for Dad.
Lawrence is tall and old with a thin face and yellow hair, but not bright yellow like Max’s, sort of dull grey-yellow. He did not appreciate me saying this when I observed this.
I know this because he told me, ‘I do not appreciate you saying this, young Daniel.’
‘OK,’ I said. ‘Whatever.’
Lawrence basically tells Dad what to do, or sometimes he gives Dad advice, which he doesn’t follow. Mostly, though, it’s like the two of them are running for MP together, but Dad is the more nice one who everybody likes, so he is the front man.
Like when Max and me play World of War and he goes ahead to take enemy fire because he’s better at dodging. In the same way, Dad is better at saying things that dodge reporters’ questions.
‘Don’t repeat that to anyone but me,’ Lawrence said when I told him this theory.
Debbie is much, much younger. She is nineteen, and really nice, with curly brown hair and is thin but with a big bum and boobs.
‘They are not that big,’ she told me.
‘What cup?’ I said, but Mum made me leave the table after I said that and Debbie laughed and called me a ‘liability’. I’m going to have to look that one up.
Debbie basically does a lot of the work Dad and Lawrence don’t want to do, like photocopying, making phone calls, and running. Dad and Lawrence walk everywhere, but Debbie runs everywhere, like there isn’t enough time to do everything she has to do.
‘Why do you work for my dad?’ I asked her.
And she said, ‘I agree with his politics. I hate the other guy and your dad’s the only guy who offered to pay me.’
‘Hm, how much?’ I asked.
I think he should probably pay Debbie more than Lawrence, because she does more running around.
‘I’ll make a note of that,’ Lawrence said when I suggested this.
One exciting thing about Dad running for MP is that we get to go to lots of parties. I never knew people threw so many parties. This week, Mum, Dad, me and Max have been to the Rotary dinner (Saturday night) and a barbecue for some old dude (Sunday), the Lions dinner (Monday – no lions), and then yesterday Dad and me went to a party at an old folks’ home, which had surprisingly good jelly and ice cream and music. Dad talked about somebody called Cold Train with some old lady. I just danced, and they all said my dancing was good. Mum stayed home from that one because she said she had a headache, and Max stayed home too, because of the second thing that is happening at our house at the moment.
The second thing is that Max is ill and even being sick sometimes. This morning, I was waiting in the car with Mum and then he came in and immediately ran out again, saying, ‘Sorry.’
And then we waited ages.
I said, ‘What if he’s dead?’
And Mum didn’t move, but stared out of the window like she was hypnotised.
‘Go and see if he’s OK, Mum!’
‘Why?’ Mum jumped and said this like she was angry, but then she unbuckled her seatbelt, but as soon as she opened the car door to get out, Max came back.
I asked, ‘Are you alright, Max?’
Max said, ‘Yeah, it’s fine.’
Then nobody said anything for the entire time we were going to school, except when we pulled up at my school and I said, ‘Thanks for the conversation, folks.’
I poked my head back in the car.
‘Daniel! Don’t do that, honey. I could have run you over,’ said Mum.
‘I said, “thanks for the conversation, folks”.’
‘We heard you,’ Mum said.
‘I love you guys.’
‘Love you too,’ Mum said. ‘Be good at school.’
I waited for Max to say something, but he didn’t, so I said, ‘I love you, Max.’
And he said, ‘Love you’, and smiled. He looked really sad, though.
Max doesn’t usually come with us in the car, but this week he has been coming with us every day. Mum said nothing was wrong, he just didn’t want to go on the bus because it smelt of petrol and it was making him feel sick. She said he has a bug.
I’m slightly worried Max will be weak for my army. What if he dies?
Children get cancer. I saw it on a programme on television. A boy became sick and threw up everything he ate and had no hair. Children get leukaemia. I don’t want Max to have leukaemia. I don’t want Max to have no hair. I don’t want my brother to die. Thinking about it makes me nervous all day. I chew through the cuff of my jumper, because I remember this boy in Great Ormond Street Hospital on TV who looked a bit like Max and he got small and sick and had a tube in his face and he died. Then I go and sit in the little house in the playground because I am crying and I don’t want anyone to see.
It’s Wednesday today and Max hasn’t even come in my room, even though I know he’s in from school, because I can hear his music in his room. He hasn’t spoken to me much at all, even though I keep asking him if he is OK. Max is never all rubbish and doesn’t want to play. Something must be wrong.
Also, Mum and Dad are pretending not to notice that he is very quiet.
He didn’t even finish his food at the dinners we went to. And we always finish our food because if we don’t, Mum says children in Africa will die.
At the Lion’s dinner, which was full of mostly old people, Mummy was talking about seeing Auntie Leah and Uncle Edward, and Hunter, our cousin, and how we haven’t seen them for ages. She asked Max if he wanted to hang out with Hunter and Max said no, because Hunter takes drugs and stuff. Then Mum said ‘shh’ and looked at me. Like I don’t know what drugs are! I’m not stupid.
Then she told Max to finish his food and Max nodded and tried to eat more, but he couldn’t, so I said, ‘He could box his up.’
‘What’s that, sweetheart?’ Mum said.
‘For the children.’
‘What children?’
I frowned. ‘In Africa.’
‘Oh.’ Mum looked confused and smiled like she was sorry about me being weird to the other people we were sat with.
‘For the children in Africa, right Max?’ I said, and he looked at me and nodded and smiled, but in a kind of not-really-smiling way. His eyes were sad, like dogs’, except dog eyes are brown and Max’s are green.
He said his tummy hurt. Tonight we are not going out. I don’t know what we will have for dinner. I’m looking forward to it, though. I hope it’s broccoli. I’m a fan of broccoli.
The music Max has been playing this week is sad music too. Usually we listen to rap and rock music because that is the soundtrack to World of War, but he has been listening to very slow, spacey music that makes me feel tired. I really hope he’s not dying.
I decide to go and see him, because he always comes to see me when I’m feeling bad.
I knock on his door, one, two, three, like Mum showed me, and then when I don’t hear anything, I open the door.
He is curled up under the duvet with his face in the pillow.
I walk up to him. He is very still.
‘Max?’ I say, and I reach out and poke him.
He does not move, so I check if he is breathing by putting my hand over his nose to feel the breath. I would usually do the mouth, but it is closed.
‘Hey!’ He moans. ‘What are you doing?’
‘Checking you’re alive,’ I say.
‘I can’t breathe when you do that.’
‘Sorry,’ I apologise politely. ‘What’s wrong with you?’
‘Nothing,’ he says into his pillow.
&nbs
p; I narrow my eyes. ‘I’m not stupid.’
He groans and turns over so he is facing the wall. ‘This isn’t about you, Daniel.’
‘I know.’ I frown, because Max is stating the obvious, like he says I do all the time. ‘But I was worried about you.’
‘I’m OK,’ Max mumbles.
I start to worry a lot, because I’ve been worrying all day at school and for Max not to tell me something is a big deal, because we tell each other everything. If I ask him, he always tells me stuff.
‘Please, Max,’ I say, wiping my nose on my sleeve because it has started to run. ‘Are you going to die?’
‘What?’ He turns over, and his hair is all fluffed up and his face is all red from the bed. I put my hand to it. It’s very warm.
‘You have a temperature!’ I cry.
‘No, no.’ He rubs his eyes. ‘I’ve just been asleep in a hot bed. Come here,’ he says, and pulls me onto the bed next to him. ‘I’m not going to die. I’m not even ill.’
‘But you’re sad and you’re being sick!’ I sniff.
‘I’m just a bit tired,’ he says, hugging me. ‘My tummy is poorly but that’s it.’
‘Do you want to sleep?’ I ask.
Max nods.
‘Can I sleep in your bed with you?’ I say.
‘Sure,’ he says, but then when I go to get under the covers, he looks around at the bed and says, ‘Actually, let’s go in yours.’
‘Why?’ I ask, as he takes my hand and pulls me after him through the bedroom door.
‘Because I like your bed more. It’s comfier,’ Max says, and we both get in it.
He falls asleep very quickly and I stroke his fluffy hair on his forehead and then I wriggle out of the bed and I put Daniel The Bear under his arm so Max won’t be alone. Then me, and Pingu, which is a penguin that I named after the penguin on telly, play World of War with the sound turned down so we don’t wake Max.
Auntie Julie’s baby was due today, but it didn’t want to come out yet. I hope it will come soon. I’m going to recruit it for my army.
Max
I saw Sylvie when I was coming out of the door of the new school building with Marc and Carl earlier today. We had been in the music room. Carl plays guitar, so we were listening to him. Marc was mucking about on the drums. He’s terrible. It was giving me a headache, but it was good too, to just mess about. It gets my mind off stuff. I just want to feel normal. I just want to feel kind of drunk. But I’m not really a bad boy. I was tubing Smarties instead of drinking. Tubing is where you put the whole tube in your mouth and basically drink the sweets.
So it was coming close to the end of lunchtime. I’ve been letting my homework slide a bit, I really should have been doing it. It’s only two weeks, though, and then it’ll be over. I’ll be able to think clearly again without feeling in pain, like my brain is my twisted guts. We headed out of the music room towards afternoon registration. The bell starts ringing as Carl is pulling open the door of the new block.
‘Heeeey Sylvie,’ I hear him say. ‘How you doing?’
‘Err, alright,’ she says, looking him up and down like he’s an alien.
‘Sylvie! Sister from another mister,’ says Marc. ‘Up high!’ He raises his palm. Sylvie just looks at it.
‘Sorry,’ I say.
She does her funny, smirky, to-the-right-side-of-her-mouth grin and slaps Marc’s palm with her own. ‘S’OK,’ she says to me.
I smile but I blush at the same time. Imagine if her parents knew what I was, what had happened. They’d throw up more than I’ve been doing.
‘Hey, Marc, we have that thiiing,’ Carl drawls.
‘Ohhhh.’ Marc nods. ‘That thiiiiiiiing.’ He draws it out comically. They leave Sylvie and me standing by the door and run off across the quad. I rock back on my right foot.
‘Hi,’ I say shyly, not looking at her.
‘Hi,’ she says.
She looks me all over, my face, my hair, my eyes, my neck, my chest and all the way down my body. I don’t like that. I shift on my feet and drop my head down, suddenly needing to swallow and finding it difficult.
She moves in closer to me, slowly. Her arm slides around my neck from the left side, her breasts meet my chest. She’s warm and soft and inviting. I slip my hand automatically around her waist.
‘I don’t know why you’re being so shy, but it’s a frickin’ massive turn-on,’ she says.
I grin helplessly, as she leans in and slips her tongue between my lips. Her own lips close around my top one. I can feel myself getting hard. She presses her body against mine, pulling my head to her with her arm. Kissing Sylvie Clark is totally delicious. I wrap my other arm around her and pull her closer, then lift her up off the ground and towards me, leaning back. She shrieks and laughs in my mouth, still kissing me.
I drop her to the ground and she backs away a little.
‘You look so pretty today,’ she says.
‘Pretty?’ I say.
‘Pretty,’ she confirms.
We look at each other for a little. I study her skin, the little freckles on her nose, the wide lips.
If she knew what you are, says my brain, she would freak out. She would tell people. She would tell her next boyfriend, the one after you.
No, I say.
Yes. The one after you.
Shh.
Max, you’re disgusting.
How come it’s ‘you’ and not ‘us’ all of a sudden? I ask my brain.
There’s no answer.
‘Max?’ Sylvie is looking at me quizzically. She laughs. ‘Dreaming of me, are we?’
I press my lips together. I have to tell her I can’t see her. It’s not fair to her. If she knew what I was, she wouldn’t want to go out with me. If this gets out – if it blows up – everyone will talk about her too. She’ll be the person who went out with the knocked-up hermaphrodite.
Oh god, I think, the thought making me feel like being sick.
‘You want to come round tonight?’ she says.
I open my mouth. I close it again. ‘Um, I can’t. Another dinner thing with my dad.’
‘Ah, the wining and dining phase of the campaign. Are you schmooze-ready?’
I shrug and smile.
‘Well . . .’ She leans in to me. ‘You just tell me when you want to hang out again, OK?’
I swallow and keep my mouth shut. But our faces are close together, and I look into her lovely eyes and she looks back at mine and I nod.
She leans away slightly, then screws up her nose. ‘I was trying not to ask you this, but can I just grab your arse?’
I let out a quick, shocked laugh, then blush. ‘Yeah.’
‘Yeah?’ she says teasingly. She leans in, checking down the corridor behind me to make sure nobody is coming, puts her arms around me and gropes my bum.
‘Mmm,’ I say, suddenly feeling really turned on. I drop my head to her shoulder and hug the top of her back, my arms over her arms. I giggle into her neck.
‘Oh my god!’ she shouts, whirling away from me, passing by me into the new block. ‘So hot. SO hot!’
I laugh, watching her go.
She turns towards me, walking backwards. ‘Bye,’ she says.
‘Bye,’ I say, helplessly, and give her a little wave.
You didn’t tell her, my brain says.
No.
I watch her go, biting my lip. Sylvie Clark is phenomenally sexy. I press my head against the door handle and moan in frustration. Fuck.
I think about it in bed later that afternoon, which I go to as soon as I get home, like I have every day this week. I’ve been so tired recently. I should have told her, shouldn’t I? It’s lying not to tell her. I wouldn’t tell her about the baby or being what I am. I would just tell her I couldn’t see her. Maybe I could just tell her I couldn’t see her for a few weeks. But why would anyone say that?
Danny comes in, upset because he thinks I’m ill. I go to his bed with him and sleep for a bit, then wake up around eleven, throw up in the t
oilet, go back to my bed and sleep again. The phrase ‘morning sickness’ is a total misnomer.
Football tomorrow. That’s good. It’ll take my mind off it. Although if anyone asks me to run backwards, bend over, or collides with my stomach I will upchuck all the fuck over them.
Sylvie
‘Come on, keep it up, boys!’ Mr Harvey booms across the field. We’re playing netball on the courts, but I’m sat out on the sidelines with Carla Hollis, waiting for our teacher to call for a substitute. Carla’s nice, and pretty weird, but we don’t take many of the same classes, so we don’t spend that much time together. We just hang out in Art and Games. Carla is sprawled on the cement next to me, making a sculpture out of gum that she is legitimately using for her Art GCSE.
‘You’re weird,’ Emma tells her.
‘I know,’ says Carla.
I smirk.
Over in the top field, the boys are jogging around in a group. Max is with them. I wave to him and he waves back. Carla nudges me and smiles. I told her about the other night.
‘So, Sylves,’ says Emma. ‘How good is Max?’
‘Huh?’
‘You know . . . Like, in bed,’ she says, winking. I make a face. ‘I don’t fuck and tell.’
She nods. ‘I knew it. You haven’t done it, have you?’
I roll my eyes. ‘Why?’
‘No reason,’ she says, looking at Laura. She shakes her head with an expression resembling audacity, and looks out over the field at Max.
‘He’s a good kisser, huh?’ murmurs Carla, from the ground next to me.
I nod. Carla got with Max last year.
‘He’s really nice,’ says Carla. ‘I like you two together. I think it’s a good thing.’
‘Why did you break up?’ I ask.
‘Ours was a temporary love.’ She sighs. ‘We met, we loved, we lost, and for about three hours we drove each other crazy.’ She grins at me. ‘I was on a brief break from Dean.’
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