by J. Bengtsson
“I’m sorry I dragged you all the way out to the valley to get chlamydia and everything, but I didn’t know who to turn to.”
“It’s okay, Emma, really. How long have you known?”
“About seven hours. I’m three months along.”
Jake pulled away and searched my face for reaction. “Three months? Was that…?”
“Yes. The festival. Thank you very much!”
“Me? I fail to see how I’m to blame.”
“If you hadn’t invited me, none of this would have happened.”
“Oh, right. I should have predicted this very plausible scenario,” he said, humoring my hormonal outbursts. “And how do you feel about… uh, being pregnant?”
“Well, that depends on when you ask me. I started out stunned. Then I was excited. But now I’m strictly bone-chilling terrified.”
“And you’re sure Finn’s the dad?”
I had a sudden and intense desire to kick my brother squarely in the crotch. Whoa, what the hell? Were emotional outbursts a side effect of pregnancy? If so, this was going to be a long six months.
“You know, Jake, I understand you’re trying to be helpful, but I’m real unstable right now, so let’s try to just think before speaking, shall we?”
Jake snickered as he made a wide circle around me. “You have crazy eyes.”
“Because you were slut-shaming me,” I complained, irrationally.
“Do you want me to help you or not?” He grinned. “Jesus Christ. Is this what I’m going to have to look forward to when Casey gets pregnant?”
“I read somewhere that pregnancy magnifies your existing personality. With Casey, I’m sure when she’s with child it’ll be like living with a Disney princess. You’ll be fine.”
“I think it’s alcohol, not pregnancy, that magnifies the personality.”
“Oh, well, I don’t know. Casey’s perfect. There’s no reason to assume she will be any less dazzling when she’s carrying your child, so stop worrying. Besides, we’re talking about me now, so try and stay focused.”
Jake shook his head. “Okay, I’m going to ask a series of questions. Just answer them without the bitchy tone. Can you do that?”
“I can’t promise anything.”
We grinned at one another.
“Do you plan to tell Finn?”
“Eventually.”
“And by eventually, you mean real damn soon?”
“Yes, that’s what I mean.” I smiled.
“Do you… um… plan on keeping the baby?”
“Yes, I… yes.”
“That’s not very encouraging.”
“I didn’t mean it like that. I want this baby; it’s just that I’m scared. What if something happens? What if I can’t keep it safe?”
“You will.”
“You don’t know that. Mom couldn’t keep you safe.”
Jake’s eyes narrowed into angry slits. “So that’s what this is all about?”
“Well, it’s a big damn issue, yeah. I mean, aren’t you scared to have kids someday? You, more than anyone, know the evil that lives out there.”
“So what should I do then – shut myself off from the world? I did that, and I was miserable.” Jake stopped talking as realization swept over him. “Please tell me that’s not why you’ve sworn off marriage.”
I cringed and looked away.
“Seriously, Emma! You’re putting this on me?”
“No.” I grabbed for him, but he flinched away. “Not you. Just what happened to you. I’m entitled to be scarred by it. You don’t have a monopoly on this.”
“Is this because of what I told you? About Glen?”
I really was trying to keep a neutral expression, but Jake saw right through me. Yes, okay, that damn story scarred me for life. Why the hell did you pick me to purge your guilty soul?
“Not just that. You don’t know what happened when you were gone.”
“I wasn’t just gone,” Jake spat. “You act like on was on a fucking vacation.”
Oh, shit. Now he was really agitated. How had this conversation deteriorated so rapidly?
“That’s not what I meant and you know it. Let me start over. When you were in the clutches of an evil madman, Mom completely fell apart. Her loss consumed her. She stopped living. She gave up on everyone, including you. I vowed never to love that hard because it only leads to unbelievable heartbreak.”
“So, let me get this straight. You’re going to give up on the only thing that makes life worth living – love – just so you can stick it to Mom?”
“What?” My voice was high-pitched and offended. How the hell did he get to that conclusion? “No. I never said that.”
“You didn’t have to. It’s so obvious. You’ve always blamed her, as if none of it would have happened had she been a better mother, more attentive… that’s bullshit. I’m sorry she wasn’t there for you, Emma, and that sucks; but she was there for me. And I…I needed her more than you did back then. You want to know what kind of mother she is? She’s the kind that held my hand and helped me breathe when I thought the fear was literally going to eat me up from the inside out. She’s the kind who slept on the floor by my side for a year just so I wouldn’t have to be alone with my nightmares. She’s the kind who was handed a broken shell of a boy and painstakingly pieced him back together again. And, Emma, she’s the one who gave me back the music, which ultimately saved my damn life. So if you’re worried that you’ll be just like Mom… well, I say, you should be so lucky.”
Sometimes in life you just need a swift kick in the ass. Jake did that for me, leaving me shell-shocked and bruised in his wake. I was forced to reevaluate everything I’d held true for so long. Maybe Mom had done the best she could with what she’d been dealt. Maybe this wasn’t fear. Maybe this had always just been my way of punishing the woman I blamed for every damn thing in my life; and if that were true, I had many years of atonement not only to my mother but to myself, as well. My god, had I just wasted ten years?
The woman who opened the door to Finn’s new bungalow was young, gorgeous, barefoot, and wearing a soft white beach cover-up that reached mid-thigh. I could see the outline of her yellow bikini beneath the flimsy fabric. Her sun-streaked wavy hair wore the telltale signs of having recently been dipped in the ocean water… probably after spending the day with the father of my baby.
We stared at one another for a moment before she asked in a friendly voice, “Can I help you?”
Fresh, pretty, and sweet – the flip side of my coin. Apparently Finn was taking a break from psycho bitches, and I couldn’t say I blamed him. Why I’d pictured him as still single was beyond me. Finn was the full package, and I should have expected that women would be going after him the minute I shut the door on his face.
“Is Finn here?”
Her expression instantly transformed from pleasant and sweet to predatory and defensive. Oh, yeah, she’d claimed him all right. Her eyes pierced through me like an invasive TSA screening.
“Who are you?”
“Is he here?” I ignored her question to repeat my own.
“No. Sorry. He’s not home right now, but I can tell him you stopped by, if you like.”
The moment she finished her sentence, Finn’s earnest laughter rang out in the background. He was happy again. My heart clenched further. He’d definitely moved on. I’d waited too long, and now he was blissful and healthy and dating a hot surfer girl.
“You’re Emma, right?” she asked, trying to remain casual, but the tone had an undeniable challenge to it. She was ready to fight to defend her territory.
“Yes.”
“Well, Emma,” – she said my name like it was a dirty word – “do you really think seeing him is the right thing to do? You broke him in half, and now that he’s finally healing, you want to come back and do it all over again. I won’t let you hurt him any more than you already have.”
Her words stung but certainly were not without merit. I actually appreciated this pixie gir
l’s commitment to Finn. Just the fact that he’d had support through this all was encouraging, even if it was in the form of a young, gorgeous woman who wanted to rip my head clean off my shoulders. Unfortunately for her, I had no intention of debating my worth to anyone but Finn, and with that in mind, I pushed the door open and muscled my way in. Beach girl had nothing on my stately frame as I breezed past her, stealthily evading capture.
I headed straight for the voices in the kitchen, and as I rounded the corner, I saw Finn, a guy I assumed to be Richie and an older woman I assumed to be his rich divorcée girlfriend. All three turned their heads to stare as I came into view with the barefoot blonde nearly running into the back of me when I stopped.
“I told her you didn’t want to see her but she wouldn’t listen,” surfer girl ratted on me.
There was no way to read the emotion on Finn’s face. He was just blank.
“You must be Emma,” Richie said, breaking the awkward moment as he stood up and walked over to me. “I’m Richie. It’s nice to finally meet you.”
“Hello,” I said, shaking his hand.
“I believe a thank you is in order,” he said.
“A thank you?”
“Well, when you were setting Finn up with Martin, I managed to hook myself into the deal. Now we both have a new agent.”
“Oh. I…” I glanced nervously at Finn, but he had yet to meet my eye. I wasn’t sure how he had taken my meddling into his professional life. Jake really was the driving force anyway, as Martin was his agent. “I really didn’t have much to do with it. Jake wanted him for a video, so he’s probably the one to thank.”
“Well, I’d love to thank him in person. Anytime. You just set it up,” Richie said, laughing. “Anyway, we’re both real grateful – aren’t we, Finn?”
I smiled at Richie, thankful for his attempt to lighten the mood. My eyes settled back on my reason for coming.
“Um… Finn, can I talk to you for a minute? I know you’re busy, so I promise to make it quick.”
He didn’t reply, nor did he make a move to get off the chair. The knots in my stomach started double tying. I hadn’t planned for such a scenario, and now I wasn’t exactly sure what to do. Begging seemed the best option. “Please?”
Finn, his eyes still averted, sat for a moment, clearly contemplating his next move. Suddenly he rose from the table and walked in my direction, but instead of stopping in front of me, he just brushed past, heading for the front door. Richie provided me with a sympathetic nod as I turned to follow him.
Once we were both outside, Finn shut the door and turned to me, arms crossed in front of him, and waited impatiently for me to speak.
“Hi,” I said, in barely more than a whisper.
“That’s what you came here to say?” he challenged, his tone short and unemotional. I’d hurt him, and he clearly wasn’t in any mood to let me get away with it without significant repercussions. I didn’t blame him for a second.
“No. I’m just nervous.”
“Look,” Finn sighed. “I’m grateful for the help with Martin, but I’m not interested in being friends, if that’s what you’re here for.”
“No. I just need to talk to you real quick.”
“I think you’ve pretty much said it all.”
“I haven’t said this. Please.”
Finn hesitated, looking back at the door. “Richie and I have some people over. This really isn’t a good time.”
“Are you seeing that girl? The one who answered the door? She seems nice – and protective of you.”
His eyes caught mine and I saw the hurt. “Why do you even care, Emma?”
“You know I do. Don’t insult me. And I just want the best for you.”
He laughed bitterly at that. “And you think she’s it?”
“I don’t know. Is she?”
“That’s none of your business,” Finn said, shaking his head. “You have two minutes.”
He took a seat on the steps and I sank down beside him.
“I know I hurt you, and I want to apologize. I made decisions for the both of us and didn’t give you a chance to even process what was happening before cutting you out of my life. In my warped brain, I thought it would be easier on you, but it was just mean, and I see that now and I’m so sorry.”
“I’ve heard you say you’re sorry a hundred times. I’m just over it. We could have been great, and you threw it all away. What more is there to say?”
“I could tell you what happened in my past that made me choose not to have children.”
This caught Finn’s attention, and he watched me with interest, the anger already dissolving. He was so forgiving. I’d spent ten years blaming my loving mother for perceived slights, when Finn had been ‘raised’ among junkyard trash and still found it in his heart to care.
“You know what happened to my brother when we were younger, right?”
He nodded. Of course he knew. Everyone did.
“When Jake disappeared, it affected me in ways I can’t really explain. I watched my family fall apart. My mother… it was just awful. Her loss consumed her. She’d wake me up at all hours of the night with this terrifying cry, like she was dying. And, at the same time, I was having nightmares about my other siblings disappearing one by one until I was the only one left. I became fixated on protecting myself from loss. By putting these chains on myself, I thought I could avoid the pain… but I only made it worse for you and for me.”
“So what are you saying?”
It was unmistakable, the hope in his voice. After everything I’d put him through, he was still looking for a hole in my armor, a way back in. I didn’t deserve this man… but our baby sure as hell did.
“I’m saying something has happened that’s forced me to open my eyes, and now I don’t have a choice but to change my way of thinking. I’m pregnant, Finn.”
His eyes bulged from their sockets. “Wait. What are you…? Is…?”
“Of course.”
“How? I mean I used condoms…. and…and you were on the pill.”
“Only after the festival. I didn’t see the point before. The amount of sex I’ve had in the past few years didn’t warrant taking pills every day of my life.”
“But, I used condoms that weekend,” he repeated.
“Yes, Finn, I realize that, but they’re only 98% accurate.”
“Only?” he replied, suddenly turning hostile. “That’s a big fucking only!”
He didn’t seem to know how to react to my admission, so he let shock rule his responses. Finn looked around, possibly to see if anyone else was hearing this bullshit, and when he didn’t get any reassurance from the rosebushes, he lay on his back on the concrete, covering his face with his hands. I waited. I’d had time to process the information, and he deserved that courtesy too. A minute later he did something totally unexpected… Finn laughed. Hysterically. And when the laughter died down, he sat back up, still clearly trying to process the information.
“I’m sorry if this is not what you wanted, but you, at least, needed to know,” I said, touching his shoulder.
“It’s not that. It’s… I’ve been through this before, you know. And it was all one big lie so, yeah, I’m having a little trouble believing this, is all.”
“Right, but that was a fake baby by a woman trying to deceive you. I would never lie to you about something so important. I hope you know that.”
I handed him the ultrasound pictures, and the shift in mood was immediate. It’s hard to describe the rainbow of emotion that splashed across Finn’s face as he took in the photos of his child… shock, then awe, then acceptance, and finally heart-melting tenderness. In those few short moments, as he held proof of the little life he’d helped create, Finn fell completely and totally in love, as somehow I just knew he would.
“How old?” he asked, with tears in his eyes.
“Three months. I’m pretty sure he’s a festival baby.”
“He? It’s a boy?”
“No. I do
n’t know. I keep picturing a boy, but maybe it’s a girl. Do you care?”
“Are you kidding?” Finn was still looking at the pictures in complete amazement. The truth seemed to finally be settling in. “So, I mean, you seem okay with this for a woman who doesn’t want kids.”
“You should have seen me a few days ago.”
“Not pretty?”
“Well, there’s an ugly crier, and then there’s me.”
Finn smiled, but it was a short-lived moment of levity. “What are you thinking, Emma? If this isn’t something you can do….”
“I can and I will. I’m committed, Finn. I promise to be a good mother to our baby. I get that you are still processing, and I know you will want to be a hands-on father to this baby, but just know, I understand this isn’t a package deal.”
“Meaning you, me, and baby?”
“Yes.”
There was a long silence. Finn studied the pictures for so long I almost interrupted him to move the conversation along. Finally he surprised me by asking, “What if I want the package deal?”
“Then I’d tell you to think long and hard about that because, as you’ve probably figured out by now, I’m a piece of work.”
He laughed at that, harder than I might have liked.
“Look, Finn. I’m not trying to disrupt your life all over again. I understand that you’re with another woman now, and I’ll respect that.”
Finn shifted to his right side and studied me long and hard before removing a strand of hair from my face and whispering, “I’m with you, Emma. I always have been.”
My eyes brimming with tears, I asked, “What does that mean?”
“It means that even though, or maybe because, you ripped my damn heart out, I haven’t moved on with anyone else. Rachel’s not my girlfriend; she’s Vanessa’s daughter. She wants more, but you know, you screwed me up too much for anything more than friendship, so thanks for that.”
“You’re welcome?” I answered in question form.
My attempt at humor could have gone terribly wrong, but Finn always was a fan of my sarcasm, and he gave me the laugh I was hoping for. Boldly, I reached out and traced my finger over his face. It really was as swoon-worthy as the day I met him. His merciful eyes held understanding and patience. Where did that reserve of forgiveness come from? Why would he be willing to give me the second chance I so clearly didn’t deserve? Leaning over, I brushed my lips past his. Finn didn’t move or pull me in, he just lay there propped on his elbow and let me take the lead.